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Happy anniversary

I’ve been also missing you lately Elle

You still have a feather of a soul lingering around my heartstrings too just in case I fall a bit.

I’m sorry to you only because I hope you understand Rochelle has my whole thing at a safety net just in case I fall fully.

I’m still in love with you

I’d rather grow with you but it’s ok I’ll watch you grow

It's been good

I am still in love like I knew.

All your feelings have been bottled, don't erupt.

- walk and dance

- write and eat

- sip and play

- work and radiate.

Heart is still

Fcking

Heavy

It's still drums harsh against my chest

My mind uneasy it doesn't rest,

Heart climbing exponentially, but limitless it is not.

I walk deep in harsh conversations. Care is there. Care is not. Care walks quietly because person cares about anothers plot.

Plots twine and dance and situation is tense,

Deep in conversation, but no feelings must be released. So tension is immense.

Face to face.

I've seen more on a face than 1000 worded pages. I've seen stories that shatter and clog Arteries and stream waterfalls of verbal abuse and mental break more on a face than a book.

I would rather. Talk than text. I would rather talk than Word smith my way to make words to make sense.

I am not watching what I'm saying but I'm watching what I'm letting out. The beast is alive in here. I love you, I wouldn't want you to handle this even if you're one of the few to calm it. You mean more to me than you'll know.

And all the reasons I love you are myriads into the sky, and I can't make these reasons walk, they just are real. I can tell you about them I can try to describe them but then you'd hear my wake in my happy, you'd hear my tears in my dreams, you'd walk into this comfortable spot that you wouldn't want these feelings to go away and walk be stripped of the seems.

Next to it are demons that you could touch and calm down yet off limits to me who holds the crown, and sounds are deafening, the silence gets deafening. The words of little to none can shatter, but the right ones can smooth it away.

I miss you so deeply. And the I love you I spray so softly, I pray you're ok, I wish I could see you or be next to you.

Don't let her see your thoughts now. You're balled up into this cold dust.

Yes she can feel your vibes but dont let her see you now. You're in shambles, don't let it all out now. It's a travesty rn. Besides wouldn't you rather have her talk to you face to face anyway?

Another fade to black

If I try to die, Will you stop me this time?

This anxiety is reaping my fucking mind.

I'm feeling it real my soul. My feelings let loose a little and it got over rejected and then returned with nothing else. Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me why do I even try to pull a nice thing. Why do I even try to pull something. Why do I try to pull myself together just to have myself implode. Why is it never my way. Why are my feelings always shitted on. Why am I being fuckdd over or why am I feeling the axneity and the heavy chest. Get me fckig out of here. I just wanted to do something nice. I just wanted to enjoy myself. I just wanted to enjoy company and have a good time. Do something nice something personal.

Let me fcking die. Idk why I'm reverting maybe I've been numb for too long. I need to sink in that ocean again maybe this time someone won't pull me out. Maybe I won't get dragged out. Maybe this time I'll freeze. Maybe this time they won't find me maybe this time maybe this time they won't find me. Maybe this will kill off my anxiety maybe this time I my good feeling will go away I'm trying to make everything go away. Kill me damn it. Idk why I'm feeling this way idk why I'm feeling these emotions it's not all that true I just want to feel. The sentiments I want to feel real. I want to feel like I mean something instead of being a nothing. I just want to be accepted. I want to feel ok. I want I mean something to someone and I want someone to show me and tell me I want to feel ok. I trie fro better myself and this is where it got me done with everything and now no one wants me. I should have just died since nothing happened I should've jus let died. I should've just died.

I want to fucking die

Oh God I let my guard down, I let my feelings out some.

I feel so uneasy. Why the fuck can't it go even.

Fucking let me jump off the damn bridge. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

I need sentiments.

"The world will know money can't stop suicidal weakness."

2:46am

This is misspoken. I'm rewinding time to take me back to when I wasn't so insecure. My personality was bigger, my skills were more refined instead of me being the jack of all trades. I miss a little bit of innocence.. and I don't. I like the feeling of the maturity that's been resonating within. I like this feeling but I hate it too. I know there's people who haven't grown and are still trying to but they can't pull themselves to be better. I get it. Sometimes something just has to break you so far that you just have to get back up. Sometimes there's situations that just have to bring yourself to come back. Now I'm back in this zone I was once in. I'm back in this zone where I held crowns and I'm just trying to tell people to walk off the top. I'm in this zone where i give a fuck but for those who hate me I don't give many at all. I give one for the same sake that I hope you're ok regardless if you hate me, whatever. I care enough but I could care more, that's the difference between me back then and me now, me now knows what to care about and still give. I gave too much of myself out back then. Now people are looking at me like I have something going on, and I do. I'm sorry I gained weight and most of it is in my head. I'm sorry my chest carries the memories that keep me warm. I'm sorry I'm carrying weight that's strong enough to bring down gravity. I'm sorry I'm carrying this feeling and the feelings I once had but this is me now, I'm glad. I carried it because I can carry it with not two but one hand using the other to grab on another who falling. I am here stronger than I ever have been still tearing my insides apart still dying at the stake sure. But nonetheless I write still. Now I write sweet sorrows and bring light to what I writer and I never thought I could write again. Still right now my writing is sporadic, and pathetic and I still have to travel the world and experience more. I want to see more. I want to do more. I'm here to do more so look at me as I plan for this business to take off and not skyrocket but fly. I want to be good. I need to bring this hype. I want to meet my regulars and listen to their words preach. I want to hear their rhythms and hear their inner thoughts speak. I want to watch their body move and swing and their hearts to be moved and sing on their heart strings. And I want to play emotions from the cafe wings. I'm here to thrive. Look at where I am. Still making money but making sure I don't go broke putting it all in the shop. I'm doing this myself, no one can stop me, people can help but don't take me out. I'm trying to be good. I'm gonna be good. I'm gonna be good. Watch me.

Watch me.

Elle

I remember you wanted me to do the best I could for myself. You said everything on your mind and wrote me in and out of the book.

But here, where I am now... can you feel my energy? Can you feel what I feel and tell me what to do? Because I have foggy answers and misguided truths. People gave me lies and hid their thoughts, it's like they forgot how to love and give the love back, and all they wanna do is stay neutral at the top.

Where is the soul that people used to have? Where is the freedom people used to own?

Where are their thoughts if they're always suppressed?

Why do they hide it? Why is there mess?

Who chained these people and who broke them and created these storms?

Why are they forever conflicted why are they torn?

Who took their happiness away and why do people lie to themselves?

Why are people awake in the bad place and put away their selves?

Who taught us to be proper but shed our own blood?

Why are people lying to themselves?

How am I living?

I know I'm not shedding my own blood, And I'm sewing all the buds, I'm growing the garden and placing seeds where I see fit, I'm fixing the lives of all the people I missed. I need break bread and give it back, I'm living, I have he truth to myself now, I'm thriving, I'm alive, I may not be loved, I may not be on top, I may not be there, but I'm awake. I'm better now, im back.

But I'm just asking Elle, I have some cloudy thoughts, if you can connect back with me, show me my light. Because everyone brings me to believe im not enough. So show me the truth I don't see.

Tell me the words i deserve to hear. Tell me what I deserve. Tell me what I should know. Because I swear I can hear everyone reaping what they've sewn.

Where the fuck are you Elle.

Show me how much I've grown.

Idk where my heart is. How'd you take it, or did I let you.. I still feel the same.

For the days you can't love your self

I'll always love you.

I'll love you even if you can't,

I'll love you so that you know someone does.

Even if it's not reciprocated, even if the feelings can't be located, I'll do it, I'll hold it.

I'll always be here.

Waiting in this spot.

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