[myristicisms]

Multi-Muse // Multi-Fandom

// Written and loved by Ganna

- Primary muse focus;; Caesar Zeppeli, Hol Horse, & Vergil Sparda

- Secondary muses;; Nicoletta Goldstein, Zack Fair, & Miriam

Rules || Muses || Interest Check || Ask Memes

Affiliates;; immaculxtes ,

PSD credit;; violet by parkyoriii

Seba Natsuki icon credit;; @/tsukiigami

[myristicisms]

Vergil any time someone tells him he's doing anything ever

[myristicisms]

DISCORD IM TRYING TO PLOT INSTEAD OF DO MY JOB PLEASE

[devilmayreply]

"Doesn't matter what I cured." Dante gave a careless little shrug, apparently finding this technicality completely irrelevant. "That's what makes it impressive. Mystery illness, mystery treatment, miraculous recovery. Medicine's easy."

Nicoletta's supposed lack of a printer earned a disappointed click of his tongue. "Okay, fine. No certificate. I'll make one myself." A beat. "Crayon counts as official documentation if you sign it afterward."

The warning about mysterious voices in his head had him glancing off to one side again, his expression suddenly grave. "You hear that? She thinks you're a demon." Dante waited as though expecting some invisible entity to answer before looking back at Miriam. "Nothing. Guess you scared him off. Nice work. Two supernatural problems solved in one afternoon."

Though the correction that followed made his brow furrow.

"Distortionist?"

He repeated it carefully, then pointed at her with renewed accusation. "See, now I know your hearing's fine because I definitely didn't say that either." His grin returned almost immediately. "But you're probably right about the contortionist. Vergil sees somebody bend backward farther than nature intended and he's drawing Yamato before they can explain it's a hobby."

Hoof Hearted and the squirrel army, however, earned several seconds of complete silence.

Dante looked at her.

Then upward.

Then back at her again.

"Hoof Hearted."

His mouth twitched.

"You've been carrying that one around, haven't you?"

Whatever composure remained cracked into laughter, Dante shaking his head as though disappointed in himself for finding it as funny as he did. "All right, forget Vergil. I'm more worried about the horse. Anybody named Hoof Hearted has already seen things no living creature should."

Her attempt at the intimidating stare had him playing along at first, posture straightening beneath those enormous icy eyes as though he were genuinely being subjected to some ancient Shardbinder technique. The moment she broke first, though, his grin returned triumphantly.

"Almost had me." He pinched two fingers close together. "Right there. Another five seconds and I might've started confessing to stuff."

Then her declaration that none of her stories could make her lame in his eyes brought something quieter into his expression. Dante gave a small shrug, unusually willing to concede the point.

"Yeah. Probably not."

Simple as that.

"Pretty hard to ruin your reputation at this point. You've got the whole centuries-old demon hunter thing, weird swords, killer fairies, vampire librarians, criminally irresponsible cooking decisions..." His eyes narrowed thoughtfully as though tallying an impressive resume. "And you keep giving me cowboy stuff for free. That last one alone buys you a lot of protection."

The smile that followed was smaller but no less genuine.

"Besides, embarrassing doesn't mean lame. Usually just means there's actually a person underneath all the cool stuff." Dante tapped his own chest once. "Trust me. I've built an entire career on that distinction."

Then she declared herself no longer a customer.

That got his attention.

Dante glanced down toward the offered hand before reaching out and clasping it, giving it a firm shake as though the two of them were finalizing terms far more serious than coffee and increasingly questionable storytelling.

"Not a customer anymore, huh?"

His eyes lifted toward hers, amusement settling comfortably back into his features.

"Yeah. Think we crossed that line somewhere between the weapon demonstrations and you threatening to sic an organized squirrel militia on my brother."

He released her hand after the shake, already reaching for his coat.

"And since you're asking..." Dante barely allowed the question to finish before tossing the coat over his shoulders. "Absolutely. You never offer me free coffee and give me enough time to reconsider. Rookie mistake."

The argument about bad coffee being his own fault received an immediate scoff.

"Whoa, no. If you're taking me somewhere and the coffee tastes like somebody filtered hot water through an old boot, that becomes a shared tragedy. Friendship rules. Pretty sure it's in the handbook."

He moved toward the door before glancing back at her, grin sharpening.

"But I'll make you a deal. You pick the place, I'll order something completely reasonable, and if it's terrible, you pay the story tax. Doesn't even have to be a good one."

A pause.

"Actually, scratch that. I want one you think is stupid." Dante gestured toward her as he backed toward the exit. "Those keep turning out to be my favourites."

Then, with an expectant tilt of his head toward the door.

"C'mon, Miriam. You promised me coffee. And unlike certain people around here, I take legally binding verbal contracts very seriously."

[myristicisms]

“ You need to have it notarized too I would imagine, and I'm not sure what the criteria is for such but I think a black pen would be the wiser choice. ” A twitch of her eyebrow, like it dawned on her that she was enabling some sort of ridiculous antic only to find she doesn't much care. “ Mind you the mystery illness you supposedly cured is blindness in a woman you'd label as elderly but would be called crazy for doing so were anyone else around. ”

Perhaps the phrasing is a bit mean in its implications though the ease in her shoulders and smile on her face makes clear the lack of ill intent on the matter. The lack of malice does not extend to the discussion of Dante's invisible little friend, however. “ Well only a demon would tell you that a woman called you... What was it, devastatingly handsome? ” A soft laugh, “ It seems the little devil isn't used to being called out and fled to save face. ”

Then her features harden ever so slightly, like a cat caught knocking a jar from the counter, she quickly glances sideways. “ I don't know what you're talking about, that's what I heard. ” A brief side eye back to him before she rocks back onto the heels of her boots. “ I'm well aware, though I think he's also inclined to pull that out at any sort of inconvenience because he turned his blade on me over offering him a piece of pie I baked. ” Then there's a pause, fully turning back to look at him after the parroting of her horse's name.

“ I didn't name him. ”

Because that's what's important regarding the stupid name.

“ I call him Hoof or Hearts whenever I address him but I felt you'd appreciate his church name. ”

And she can't exactly return to being stoic given she does look the slightest bit embarrassed about the horse. Regretful? Not one bit but she is still capable of feeling silly for ridiculous remarks and ideas she has and in this particular instance, the horse being named hoof hearted is silly enough.

A soft hum, lips parting like she wants to say something only to press tightly together and instead focus on the coolness factor of who she was. “ It's only been two hundred years of hunting and half of that really wasn't doing much. I'm not that old, Dante. ” And humble too, as it turns out. “ The cowboy stuff is because I can't fit into half of the gear because I'm not a large man. I imagine I would seem much cooler if I were built like one but alas, I am short and built like a woman. ”

Though the praise certainly is not something she is immune to, not with the way her ears burn nor the obvious attempt at dismissing it. “ I don't mind humanizing myself a bit more if that's the intention behind wanting embarrassing stories, know though that I expect to be laughed at and not with. ” Especially given she already knows the first tale to share. “ Anyways enough with buttering me up, I already agreed to getting you your coffee. ”

She smiles yet again then, gently pulling her hand back once it's released to swiftly follow to the door. “ There's that little café about... Three blocks east I want to say? Give or take. I rather enjoy their macchiatos, though I cannot say what the quality of whatever you plan to order will be. ” And a playful pause, “ You can get extra whip cream if you like, don't worry about the price. ”

The tilt he offers draws another laugh, already stepping outside and squinting from the light assaulting her eyes. “ I do take verbal agreements quite seriously indeed, try not to run ahead of me in your excitement though, I've little legs. ”

[myristicisms]

DANTE'S REACTION TO THE STUPID HORSE NAME HELP ME

[spunsugarmusings]

Describe your muse's dream date with mine. If my muse likes the date, they'll have to go out on that date with the sender, whoever it is

Everything applies within the boundaries of the mun's rules!

[devilmayreply]

Dante's expression remained remarkably serious throughout the entire explanation, nodding every so often as though Vergil were providing him with genuinely valuable information instead of repeatedly insisting that none of this applied to him.

"Uh-huh. Right. Gotcha."

He held up one finger.

"Unwillingness to accept constructive criticism."

A second joined it.

"Open hostility toward management."

Then a third.

"Refusal to acknowledge employment status despite currently living at the place of business."

Dante gave a thoughtful hum, eyes drifting upward as though mentally adding another line to an invisible performance review.

"Oh, and habitual theft. Apparently dating all the way back to your teenage years. That one's probably gonna need an asterisk."

The comment about the elderly woman earned perhaps the first genuine break in his professional facade. His eyebrows shot upward.

"Wait, wait, back up. You're swindling some poor old lady into marriage?" His mouth twisted. "Man, I was joking about the side gig, but somehow you came up with something worse. What's the plan there, marry rich, inherit the estate, spend your golden years surrounded by lavender-scented body wash?"

Dante shook his head solemnly.

"Mom would be so proud."

Then, apparently deciding that subject required an entirely separate disciplinary meeting, he waved it aside.

"But we'll circle back to your geriatric sugar mama later. Right now, I wanna revisit something you said." A grin slowly spread across his face. "You said, and I'm quoting here, 'dock it out of my pay.'"

He pointed toward Vergil with the unmistakable satisfaction of a man who had just been handed ammunition.

"Just remember you said that."

How exactly Dante intended to deduct money from a salary that did not exist remained completely unexplained. Judging by the confidence on his face, that was a problem for Future Dante.

"Don't worry about the logistics. Payroll's got it handled."

Payroll, of course, was also Dante.

"Now, as for the forty-five-minute showers..." His expression faltered briefly at the mention of cleansing rot from Vergil's skin. There was enough behind those words that even Dante knew better than to turn that part into the joke.

So naturally, he turned everything surrounding it into one instead.

"Fine. Medical accommodation approved. Forty-five minutes for..." He gestured vaguely over Vergil's entire person. "Whatever horrifying Hell exfoliation process you've got going on."

Another imaginary note was added.

"But you're still getting written up for excessive hot-water consumption. Accommodation doesn't mean you get to boil the entire city reservoir every morning."

Dante leaned forward slightly, brows raised.

"And for your information, my hygiene routine takes longer than two minutes."

A pause.

"Sometimes I wash my hair."

Another pause.

"When it starts sticking together."

He immediately raised a hand before Vergil could respond.

"Save it. Anything you say from this point forward is going directly into the review."

[myristicisms]

The fact Dante ( seemingly ) hadn't caught on to what Vergil thought to be obvious sarcasm only makes the elder of the duo bristle.

“ Are you dumb? ” Palm raising to cradle the side of his face, Vergil can't help but to glare at his brother through the unobstructed eye. “ That was clearly a joke, I do not have a rich older woman that I'm working on marrying, Dante. ” There's a pause and a loud sigh. “ If I did, do you think I'd be utilizing methods from our adolescent years to get something as simple as soap? I would be basking in expensive colognes if I had a ‘ sugar mama ’, as you call it. ”

The ridiculous nature of the conversation is not lost on Vergil either, frankly he's rather irritated about the entire thing but not so much as to truly pick a fight about it.

“ I did say that and I know it won't happen because you don't pay me. ” Eyebrow raising while his hand slides down to rest beneath his jaw instead, chin digging into the meat of his palm. “ Payroll doesn't have anything covered because the company is in bankruptcy. ” As if that didn't also technically affect him in some regard.

There is a flash of gratitude though within his admittedly grouchy features at the restraint Dante has to not poke fun at the reasoning for his long showers, that was a can of worms that neither would want opened and certainly not with the inevitable tantrum that would come into play with it. Instead, he just shakes his head and laughs dryly.

“ A write-up for a reasonable accomodation is grounds for discrimination laws to come into play. ” Does Vergil know anything about laws surrounding the workplace? Most certainly not but he knows buzzwords. “ Though I should bring to your attention the fact that my shower water is not hellishly hot, I barely have the handle midway between when cold turns to hot and the maximum amount of heat, therefore the hot water issue is likely a problem with the water heater. ”

A bit too smug to announce another potential bill that neither of them could afford, albeit Vergil has no incentive to do anything about the possible problem to begin with. It doesn't technically affect him seeing as he makes it a point to be the first to shower.

Granted the smug smirk drops into disgust nearly immediately after, “ I don't care about my review, that's disgusting. You realize that oily hair has a smell, right? I feel terrible for anyone that has to have their nose anywhere near your head. ”

[myristicisms]

Doing a half shift tonight for evil personal reasons which means I'll have time to be a sick perverted freak and type up sick perverted freak thoughts for Sunday...

[devilmayreply]

"Second time, first time...details." Dante dismissed the distinction with an airy wave of his hand, the grin pulling at his mouth making it obvious he considered himself thoroughly vindicated. "Point is, I cured you. You're welcome. I'll have Nico print me a certificate later."

Her denial of the third compliment drew a skeptical hum from him. Dante tipped his head, regarding her as though she had presented him with a particularly unconvincing alibi. "Right. A malicious spirit." He glanced over one shoulder, then the other, performing a cursory inspection of the office. "Must be a powerful one too. Keeps telling me I'm handsome, charming, and extremely humble. Been haunting me for years."

He pressed a hand against his chest with all the solemnity of a man burdened by the supernatural. "Tried ignoring it, but what can I say? The thing makes some pretty convincing arguments."

The garbled version of his invented story stopped him cold. Dante blinked once.

"Vergil fought a contortionist in Canterlot," he repeated slowly, staring at her as the image arranged itself inside his head. A laugh escaped before he could suppress it. "Okay, first of all, that's way better than what I said. Second, I'm telling him you started that rumour. I'll even cite my source."

One finger pointed decisively toward her. "Miriam. Eyewitness. Allegedly present at the scene. Centuries old, vision questionable, but otherwise reliable."

Dante's expression only brightened as she elaborated upon the cruelty of story collectors demanding proof that she had witnessed historical events firsthand. "See, that's where you're going wrong. You don't cite anything. You just stare at 'em until they get uncomfortable and say, 'I was there.'" He lowered his voice into a grave approximation of ancient wisdom. "'Argue with me again and I'll tell everyone what you were wearing.' Works every time."

Her question about embarrassing memories earned a small shrug. "I wouldn't call 'em the stories that make you look lame. I'd call 'em the stories that prove you weren't born standing dramatically on a hill while lightning struck behind you." His grin eased into something warmer. "Besides, those are usually the best ones. Anybody can tell a story where they look cool. Takes real confidence to admit you ate toxic dark matter because you thought wasting food would be rude."

Before she could protest, he raised both hands in surrender.

"Your words, not mine. Mostly."

The criticism of his customer service returned the wounded dignity to his face. "Most businesses don't give their customers free demonstrations and restore their eyesight either. You can't judge Devil May Cry by ordinary standards." He paused, reconsidering. "Actually, judging this place by ordinary standards would probably get us shut down."

Her comparison to the burger restaurant caught his interest immediately. "Hold on. Better than a burger place?" Dante straightened, visibly pleased by the praise despite how low the bar might have been. "Now that is going on the sign. Devil May Cry: demons exterminated, eyesight restored, customer service marginally better than local fast food."

The snort threaded through her laughter, and although his grin widened, Dante mercifully chose not to single it out. He merely watched her laugh with the quiet satisfaction of someone who had achieved precisely what he wanted from the entire ridiculous exchange.

Then came the offer.

"No demonstration necessary?" His brows lifted, feigning disappointment. "And here I was ready to unveil the deluxe package."

Still, he didn't hesitate over the invitation. He pushed away from where he stood and pointed toward her as though they had just finalized a serious business contract.

"All right, you've got a deal. You pick the cafe, I'll provide the charming company, and we'll call your debt settled." A beat passed before his grin returned in full. "Unless the coffee's terrible. Then you owe me another story."

Dante folded his arms, looking entirely too pleased with the arrangement.

"And just so we're clear, this isn't a tip anymore. You invited me. That officially makes me the customer." His head tilted, satisfaction gleaming in his eyes. "Hope your service is better than that burger place, Hat Lady."

[myristicisms]

“ You don't even know what you cured. ” Bluntly spoken with a roll of her eyes and sharp exhale of amusement. Her nose scrunches slightly, eyebrow raising soon after, “ What, and a prescription too? I don't even think Nicoletta has a computer let alone a printer so I'm afraid you're out of luck. ”

The expression she's offered in turn does little to make her seem less unimpressed, the metal of her greaves squeaking as she stands on her toes to pretend she's looking past his shoulder. “ Humble? I'd like to know by what definition that little gremlin in your ear knows if it's managed to convince you I would utter such a thing. ” A tap to the side of her head, the briefest glimmer of fondness crossing her pale features. “ In any case I think perhaps you ought to ignore any odd voices muttering praise to you without a body standing nearby. That's a wonderful way to get possessed. ”

Warning lingers in her tone alongside the obvious amusement, clearly joking for the most part.

There's a soft hum, gentle as it trails off into a quick correction, “ Distortionist, I don't think Vergil would know how to handle a contortionist. ” At least not with what she knows of him, seeing how easily disgusted he would often grow just from receiving the occasional meal she's unsure if he could handle any sorts of interaction with someone that could do... Anything out of the ordinary with their body. “ That's fine by me, what is he going to do? Attack me? He'll have to get past Hoof Hearted and my army of squirrels. ” The pun rolls of her tongue too easily too, straight faced despite how ridiculous that one was.

The smile drops though, icy eyes widening ever so slightly to stare silently at Dante as though she were testing if the method would work. It does not last long, shoulders already beginning to quiver with the effort to not start giggling just to completely break eye contact. “ Perhaps I'll test that next time with someone I'm not friends with, I already know how to unnerve people with my gaze. ” That had been a prank she would pull with Gebel when they were kids, after all.

Large icy blue eyes made for great means of scaring strangers.

“ Hmm well, not to stroke my own ego but I think anything I tell you wouldn't do much to make me look lame in your eyes. ” Not because she thought herself the coolest being alive but because of the fact that she knows she provides him all of his antique cowboy items for free, Miriam knows she would think anyone that gave her cool collectibles wouldn't have the capacity to be lame regardless of whatever wacky situations they find themselves in.

She shakes her head, ignoring the throwback to The Incident with a soft 'tsk' and a gentle smile. “ Anyways, no deluxe presentation needed, I'm not a customer anymore. ” A tilt of her head, hand reaching out like she's trying to seal an important deal with a handshake. “ If the coffee is terrible then that's your own fault for ordering something gross, but if I have to placate you with a stupid story then fine. I assume you're wanting that coffee now, no? ”

[devilmayreply]

Dante rubbed the spot where Vergil's finger had jabbed him, looking deeply unimpressed by this sudden lecture on proper cleansing. "Okay, first of all, the bottle has bubbles on it. That means it's soap. I'm pretty sure that's how science works."

His eyes narrowed as Vergil's explanation caught up with him. Obtained through his own means? Now that was interesting.

"Hold on. Your own means?" Dante repeated, lifting a hand before his brother could dismiss the subject entirely. "Because this actually ties in nicely with something I've been meaning to discuss with you, your employee performance review."

With all the authority of a man who had never completed a legitimate performance review in his life, Dante folded his arms across his chest. "I've looked over the numbers, and I gotta say, you're lagging behind. Low job participation, poor customer service, hostile workplace attitude. You've contributed exactly zero dollars toward utilities, but somehow you've got luxury soap and enough hot water to recreate the Temen-ni-gru flood every morning."

He leaned closer, suspicion settling across his features. "So what's the side gig, Vergil? You selling motivational speeches to divorced dads? Doing sword tricks at kids' birthday parties? Standing outside the mall charging people five bucks to hear you call them foolish?"

A beat passed before Dante's expression turned horrified.

"You're not an influencer, are you?"

He shook his head as though even contemplating it had wounded him. "Whatever shady little soap operation you've got going on, some of that income needs to start finding its way into the Devil May Cry budget. Or at least toward the water bill, since apparently waking up before sunrise is now a requirement if I want a shower warmer than the ninth circle of Hell."

One finger pointed accusingly toward the bathroom. "And for the record, forty-five minutes is not a shower. That's a hostile takeover of a shared resource."

[myristicisms]

“ That is not— ” He sputters, looking utterly dumbfounded only to glare at the audacity to question Vergil on his finances and how he gets his own items.

“ That is not any of your business, ” A pause and a low growl, “ and I am not one of your employees so I don't particularly care about whatever my performance is. Were you paying me then I would say dock it out of my pay however as it turns out you are not. ” There's brief inward looking, recognition that he still needs to contribute to the household ( and he tries, heaven knows ) in some form but he's far too irate to acknowledge it at the moment.

“ I've an elderly woman I'm working on swindling into marriage — Obviously I don't pay for my soap, Dante. I don't have a side job that grants me money, I do as I've done since I was a teenager and take what I need as I need it. ”

Nevermind the fact that he's also begun playing nice with others, further incentivizing aid at times from those that have more than they need or simply don't want. “ And my forty-five minute showers are to cleanse rot from my skin. It is not my fault you are content with spending two minutes rubbing dish soap against your skin and hoping the water rinses the grime free, I cannot live like that. ”

[devilmayreply]

Dante looked genuinely affronted by the question, one hand pressing dramatically to his chest. "Of course I bathe. I've just switched to an all-natural hygiene routine. Water, elbow grease, and whatever that green bottle under the sink is. Might be shampoo. Might be dish soap. Either way, it gets the job done."

He jabbed a finger in Vergil's direction, apparently deciding the best defence was an immediate counterattack. "Besides, you should be grateful we've got running water at all. Do you have any idea what utilities cost in this economy? We can barely afford to keep the sign lit, and you're standing there acting like luxury soap belongs in the monthly budget."

His eyes narrowed accusingly. "And while we're talking about bathing, how about leaving some hot water for the rest of us, Your Highness? You spend forty minutes in there doing whatever dramatic shampoo-commercial routine you've got going on, then I'm stuck taking an ice bath like I'm training for the Olympics."

[myristicisms]

The concern swiftly melts away into his signature scowl before he stomps closer to Dante, the moment he's within arms reach a finger jabs at the younger's chest. “ First of all whatever the hell you're doing is not proper cleansing, presumably. If that is dish soap then I'm proud you at least use some sort of soap but nobody said anything about luxury soap. ”

A loud huff, “ And second of all, my luxury soap is obtained through my own means and does not cost you a cent so I think you ought to worry about yourself and how you smell and not how I procure my own items. ” The moment of pause he offers is just enough time for the request ( demand ) to sink and settle properly.

“ What I do in my spare time is not your business, if you want hot water then learn to wake up earlier and beat me to the shower. ”

[devilmayreply]

"Soap? Look at Mr. Moneybags over here, assuming Devil May Cry can afford basic hygiene."

[myristicisms]

The look on his face is the furthest from offended, rather it looks more concerned than anything else. “ Do you not... Do you not bathe? ”

[devilmayreply]

"Yeah, sounds terrible." Dante nodded with all the solemn sympathy of someone listening to an account of unimaginable hardship. "Bad knees, failing eyesight, chocolate cake turning against you. Next thing you know, you'll be complaining that the music's too loud and threatening neighbourhood kids with that sword-whip of yours."

The laughter that finally broke through her elderly-hag performance drew one from him as well, warm and unrestrained. There was something infectious about seeing Miriam abandon her usual reserve for a few minutes, especially when the result was this utterly ridiculous. Dante had always been willing to make a fool of himself for a laugh. Having someone eagerly meet him there only encouraged him.

Her enthusiastic applause was met with a flourishing bow, one hand sweeping outward while the other settled dramatically over his chest. "Thank you, thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. Especially considering you couldn't see any of it."

The accusation concerning his third compliment earned an exaggerated look of innocence. "What, devastatingly handsome? Pretty sure I heard you loud and clear." Dante straightened and casually brushed a hand through his hair, as though presenting further evidence in his favour. "No exorcism necessary. That's just an objective professional assessment."

Then came the gravelly voice, the sniffle, and the fingers peeking through the supposed veil of wounded dignity. Dante pressed his lips together, fighting a losing battle against another grin.

"Oh, I'm looking forward to that." He adopted a louder voice, leaning slightly toward her as though she had already lost her hearing. "I'll repeat everything three times and make sure each version gets a little less accurate. By the end of the conversation, you'll think I said Vergil joined a travelling circus and became their star contortionist."

Her concern about story debt, however, gave him pause, though only long enough to manufacture a thoughtful expression. "Story debt, huh? That's serious. Interest starts piling up, then collectors show up at your door demanding tales about vampire librarians and military defeats at the hands of oversized birds." He gave a slow shake of his head. "Ugly business."

The amusement in his expression softened around the edges as he regarded her. Beneath all the jokes, he suspected she could talk for days and he still wouldn't tire of listening. Not simply because her life had been strange enough to fill several books, but because Miriam had a way of making every tale feel worth hearing, even the ones she dismissed as ordinary.

"Good news is, I offer a generous repayment plan. No deadlines, no interest, and embarrassing stories count double." He lifted a finger before she could dispute the terms. "And before you accuse me of exploiting the elderly, I accept stories of my own humiliation as currency too. That makes it fair."

At the mention of his customer service, Dante's hand returned to his chest as though she had struck him somewhere vital.

"Improve my customer service?" He glanced around the office in disbelief, apparently searching for someone who might appreciate the injustice being done to him. "Miriam, you received two demonstrations, personalized medical care, and complimentary entertainment. I even restored your eyesight. That's premium service."

Still, he stepped nearer with a playful lift of his brow, lowering his voice into something conspiratorial.

"But I'm willing to hear the customer's complaints." His grin returned, bright and unmistakably fond. "Tell you what, you provide the coffee tip, I'll throw in another demonstration free of charge. Purely to make sure your miraculous recovery sticks."

A beat passed.

"Wouldn't want those ancient eyes of yours failing again the second I turn around."

[myristicisms]

“ I could see it the second time, excuse you! ” Mock offense laces each word, voice raised just slightly while she defensively points at him with a huff. Lingering in the attempt at a scowl is the makings of another large grin, far too content with being able to relax and allow herself the privilege of messing around to take any sort of mockery to heart. Unserious as it is and small an interaction as Miriam is certain this is, there is no denying the sheer joy that comes with knowing she isn't at risk of being surprised with an attack meant to maim let alone kill.

She allows another soft laugh, head shaking to get her hair back into the usual mess of fluff to cover her forehead. “ Oh please, I've yet to meet anyone that has made me utter such a thing. I think you're just hearing what you want to. ” A blatant tease, warmth coating the admittedly harsh nature of the words. An eyebrow raises, faux consideration crossing over her features before she waves him off. “ I'm afraid you need some hearing aids, Dante. Or to learn to ignore whatever malicious spirit that's mumbling non-sense to you. ”

Briefly her eyes twitch, clearly trying to adjust to the sudden volume before easing right back into the playful annoyance of the elderly woman that she very blatantly wasn't. “ What? I'm sorry Vergil fought a distortionist in Canterlot? ” Smug in the way she regards Dante, playing it up all the more as if she weren't the one that begun the entire joke to begin with.

“ Ah well of course, they're rather brutish too when they come to collect! ” Such a ridiculous notion, debt collectors for stories from a woman that logically shouldn't even be standing let alone speaking about much of anything. “ And the obligation to further cite my sources because saying I was there for it is not source enough, it's terribly exploitative and cruel. ” Though despite the leaning further into that particular joke she does take note of the way his expression shifts, curiosity flickering within her own only to ease back into something far more playful.

“ Oh? So what I'm hearing is you want the stories that make me look lame then, huh? ” The same teasing lilt in her voice, shoulders raising in a shrug of acceptance for the terms even without the offer of returning the very same sorts of tales. Perhaps it is an odd amount of trust to place in someone to be so willing to indulge more vulnerable tales from years past but Miriam was not a woman that experienced much shame from her history. “ I'm amiable to your terms once I run out of the interesting and thrilling memories. ”

Then she hums innocently, long lashes fluttering as though she hadn't just directly insulted the fake service he'd just provided her. “ Well most businesses don't call their clientele grandma so there's the first critique. ” A pause, finger raising to tap beneath her bottom lip, “ Actually I think that's my only criticism of your customer service which is far better than what it was for the local burger restaurant I went to a few weeks ago. Congratulations Dante! ”

Then she laughs once again, hard. Had she the mind to feel embarrassed by the snort that cuts into it she likely would have turned bright red, instead though she just grins up at the devil hunter. “ No demonstration necessary, you just let me know when you want to hit a cafe and I'll get you your coffee. ”

[myristicisms]

Thinking about muses and their scents because I'm a weirdo freak and I just remembered that Miriam smells relatively expensive because she wears luxury perfume but then she slaps cinnamon oil on top of it to try and mask the alchemic magic and rot/blood smell from killing demons so it's just Fancy And Expensive with some extra spice and there's not really a point in her doing it because you can't really smell her unless you're all up in her face to begin with 💀 then there's Vergil who just smells like soap because he doesn't have a means of buying a cologne he likes.

[devilmayreply]

"Old, huh?" Dante echoed, one brow climbing as he regarded her with theatrical suspicion. "Funny how those ancient eyes of yours made a miraculous recovery the second I agreed to do it again. I should start charging for medical consultations too."

The laugh threatening her carefully constructed seriousness was contagious, tugging his own grin wider. He caught the way those crystalline eyes remained fixed upon him, far too attentive for someone who supposedly hadn't understood the first demonstration, and gave a slow shake of his head. She wasn't even trying particularly hard to fool him anymore. Somehow, that only made him more willing to play along.

"Yeah, yeah. Gracious, kind, devastatingly handsome. I hear it all the time." Dante rolled his shoulders once more and settled back into position, performing the same motions again with exaggerated care. This time, he deliberately slowed each part down, turning a simple demonstration into something unnecessarily dramatic purely because he now had an audience willing to indulge him. When he finished, he added a small flourish that certainly hadn't been included the first time.

"There." His attention returned to Miriam, the satisfaction in his expression suggesting he considered the second attempt a flawless performance. "Clear enough for you, grandma, or did your eyesight mysteriously give out again?"

He folded his arms, though the warmth beneath the teasing remained unmistakable. "And don't worry about paying me. I'll accept another one of those stories you swear is completely ordinary while describing the most insane thing I've ever heard." After a brief pause, his grin sharpened again. "Although, if you ask for a third demonstration, I'm adding coffee to the bill."

[myristicisms]

The eyes in question roll, squinting with the grin tugging taut upon her cheeks. “ It comes in waves, you'll understand when you're my age. ” Granted that also is a bold faced lie in of itself too and she's well aware her demeanor makes as much clear. “ Bad joints that make walking hard and chocolate cake is too rich, oh the suffering! ”

There is a sparkle in her gaze, not quite with mischief but satisfaction and delight. Seldom does the huntress get to indulge something so ridiculous and youthful let alone have it played into by someone with just as much childish whimsy. Regardless of effort ( none of which she could muster at the moment ) to maintain the wise blind hag façade there's the laugh that shakes her body.

“ I said two of the three, I certainly hope you didn't hear that third item lest I need to perform an exorcism here. ” A shake of her head, fingers raising to push her bangs from her face in a facetious manner while her gaze tracks each slow movement. Each time he makes a gesture that's larger than the last there's a very obvious fake gasp of shock and once he finishes, very loud applause. Then an eyebrow raises, like she'd just thought of something with great importance.

“ Very clear, thanks. ” A pause, voice shifting into a lower, more gravelly pitch. “ Grandma! You kids and your insults, I ought to come back and bother you when my hearing goes out next, then you won't be able to pick on me for my poor vision. ” A sniffle, hand dropping from her hairline to cover her eyes briefly just for two to split apart to look at him through the crack.

The dramatic ( and rather fake ) tantrum doesn't even manage to last more than a few seconds, arms dropping lazily to her sides with a soft laugh instead at the demand of tales for his time. “ I only have so many stories to share from my lifetime, you're going to put me into story debt if that's the payment you insist on. ” Nevermind the fact that her bizarre tales vastly varied from amusing to downright traumatic in some instances. “ Thankfully I won't owe you any coffee, it seems you've made my eyes work fine and proper with your demonstration. Though I suppose a coffee tip might be in the cards if you improve your customer service. ”

[myristicisms]

A tilt of her head, lips curled into something more playful than concerned let alone unaware. Perhaps it is childish to ask for a second demonstration but there's little care for someone that's simply happy to spend time with a friend. “ I'm old, my eyes do not work well anymore. ” A laugh lingers on the remark, not quite coming out but very clearly on its way to deconstruct a poorly maintained façade of seriousness.

“ You're ever so gracious and kind, ” Fingers gently dig into her own elbows, crystalline blues fixating on @devilmayreply much the same as they had in his previous demonstration. Not quite the eyes of a predator but enough to express he'd had her full attention in both instances. “ Go ahead Dante, my vision seems to have cleared. ”

And with a soft laugh, she shrugs and waves her hand, a signal to get on with it. “ Well if I miss it this time I'll make sure you get paid fairly for the inconvenience. ” No arguing with the implied liar allegations, Miriam is far from the type to be offended by being caught. “ I'm watching. ”

[myristicisms]

I love letting Miriam be childish because wdym she's lying about having bad eyes on this reply I'm working on girl if you were an animal you'd be a damn apex predator