Burning Old Journals – Volume 1
Six Packs, Stalled Papers, and Scattered Pages
I have written a lot of cringe journals in my life. They are scattered across random notebooks, planners, and even on scraps of paper. I have decided to burn them all. Before I do, I am preserving them here, heavily edited to be less cringy so I can still look back and enjoy them. I hope my family and future kids find these one day and have as much fun reading them as I am having rewriting them.
October 10, 2018
Purely a work and school task list. My day was spent editing my master’s thesis, preparing a presentation, and dealing with environmental compliance and management system tasks. No personal thoughts here.
October 13, 2018
A day filled with project updates, technical work, and travel. I wrote this entry mid-flight over the Philippines, unsure but optimistic about the days ahead. I ended with a pep talk to myself:
Dear Past Self,
This is a big week for you and you will remember it for the right reasons. You have your first big talk coming up and you should own it. You still have two days to prepare, so use the time well and do not stress yourself out. You are going to do well.
The work you left behind will still be there when you return. Check in when you can, but do not let it take your focus away.
Think about where you are heading, because it is going to be worth it.
October 17, 2018
Class notes for a business school assignment. Just bullet points for a Harley Davidson SWOT analysis.
October 19, 2018
Travel day from Narita Airport back home. I was motivated and determined to graduate in January, push for promotion, apply for another degree, and finally get a six pack by the first quarter of 2019. I followed this with a 2019 plan that blended career advancement, finances, fitness, and personal growth. The abs goal came up more than once.
February 21, 2024
I felt “alright” but carried work anxiety and dissertation pressure. I wondered if my avoidance was a trauma response. I watched coping videos but still replayed criticisms in my head. I ended with a note about facing people over financial matters and still managed to list my work deliverables for the day.
February 20, 2024
All work-focused. Engineering project updates, nothing personal.
In 2018, I was working in the water industry in operations, while also handling environmental compliance and management system roles. This was after a long detour in the food industry, where I had been about to be assigned to run a manufacturing plant abroad. It might have been a promotion, but it was not the path I wanted. Managing almost a thousand people in a language I did not speak fluently was not appealing. I wanted to work in environmental engineering, not food manufacturing.
After leaving the food industry in 2016, I spent almost a year unemployed, which was a strange and humbling time. I had trouble finding work in environmental engineering. I was often seen as overqualified for entry level roles and underqualified for senior ones because my experience was in food. When I finally got an offer in the water industry, even if it was still in operations and at a lower level, I took it because it aligned with my long-term goals.
By October 2018, I was also in the middle of my master’s thesis while trying for an international scholarship. At the same time, I was sent to Japan for my first international speaking engagement. It was strictly work-related. I was chosen simply because I was the right person for the job. That trip was a big moment for me. I have always had anxiety about speaking in public, and doing it in front of an audience of foreign academics was intimidating. There is a stereotype that Filipinos cannot keep up with foreign academics. At the time I believed that a little, because it is what you hear people say. Standing there and delivering my talk, I realised it was not true. We can go toe to toe with anyone. That is still something I am proud of today.
Mixed into all of this was a subtle quarter life crisis. Many of my college batchmates were already in high paying jobs here and abroad. Others were doing their master’s degrees abroad, where they eventually landed high paying roles too. I was close to my fitness goals as well. At 80 kg, just a few away from my ideal weight, my lines were already showing. I was almost there.
By 2024, I was in a higher management role in the water industry, one I had agreed to only under the condition that I would not be managing a large team. The title caused some confusion, which led to more pressure than I expected. I was also trying to restart my PhD dissertation, which had been frozen since 2022 after a round of heavy criticism that left me stuck.
It is funny to read back and see how intense I was about the six pack goal. Back then it was a fitness challenge. Now it is almost symbolic. At 100 kg today, I am far from that 2018 version of myself, but the drive is still there. Part of it is personal pride. Part of it is the reality that in the gay community, body image is a big deal. I have never touched a set of abs in my life, so maybe it is about finally touching mine.
Some things have changed. I am no longer avoiding leadership roles. I understand my capacity to lead now, though I still prefer technical work. Some things have stayed the same, like the dissertation anxiety. Back then, the PhD was partly a way to make up for what I saw as a lack of financial achievement. Now I can see it is just another goal to prove to myself that I can finish something that matters to me.
Looking at these pages, it is clear my journals are as scattered as my thoughts. One page has a heartfelt reflection, the next is filled with project deadlines, and the next is a random business school assignment. I think that is why this project of rewriting and burning them is so satisfying. I can laugh at my old struggles, see the growth, and still find a piece of myself in every line.
Alright. That is enough nostalgia for one day. I think I am ready to burn this journal now.