Mysterious Toast

i say things sometimes | he/him

[captain-price-returns]

[mysterioustoast]

Weather authority? That’s what they call me when I whip out my phone and scroll the weather app at a party 😎

[dogpuppy]

[mysterioustoast]

This was foreshadowing my current obsession with horsey game

[mysterioustoast]

Pants shitted. Plural.

[dogpuppy]

[dumbass5202]

We were meant to gaze off into the distance when taking a shit. Just another thing thats been taken from us.

[mysterioustoast]

No we were meant to read the contents of the shampoo bottle, and then science went too far

[mysterioustoast]

I just hit the nastiest 2 sleep cycles and am back at em again

[mysterioustoast]

Being funny irl is like being a tsundere. I-it’s not like I care if you laugh or anything! Hmph 0///0

W-what it’s not like I made the joke specifically because I thought you’d find it funny b-b-baka *hides behind bangs*

[mysterioustoast]

Istg my clothes dryer gotta be playing for the other team cuz my clothes come out wetter than when I put them in. Bro’s on a Benedict Arnold type flow rn

[mysterioustoast]

My Clothes Chair™️ gotta be the baddest bitch of clothes chairs. It’s wearing an absolute fashion catalogue rn and I think I hear vogue calling her name 💅💅💅

[pukicho]

I'm melting donald trump and turning him into resin

[mysterioustoast]

I’d rather you turn him into raisin. Because that’s tastier I think

[mysterioustoast]

Were incel cavemen just like “Grog fat fucking chud. Grog go cave and crank hog. Grog make cave soyjack showing alpha male eating big mammoth and beta male eating tiny berry”

[mysterioustoast]

It’s strange that we have shorts but we don’t call pants longs. I think im going to start calling my pants longs and see if it’ll catch on

I’m on the bleeding edge of lingo rn

[mysterioustoast]

I bring a sort of “I’m about to have a monster shit” vibe to the professional conference that LinkedIn bros don’t really like

[mysterioustoast]

Letterboxd got my phone heating up fr. My iPhone is rapidly becoming a C4 but I must persist cooking up a fire one liner for Nightcrawler (2014)

[mysterioustoast]

“Dress for the job you want” well great now im naked cuz i dont want a job

wait what’s that… I’m hired? And the boss wants to see me? Wowie the advice worked!!

[hardtobethebardbitch]

my weird flex is I'm still friends with all my sister's exes on Duolingo

[mysterioustoast]

All these languages and she can’t keep a relationship smh

[h3r-uns0b3r-ways]

why do he look like that🤔