Happiness is an Inside Job

Focusing on my happiness to heal myself inside and out.

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So I haven’t posted anything in quite a while. Mostly because I’ve had a lot going on but also because I haven’t had anything i wanted to post about. I also hate having to use a touch screen keyboard if I’m going to be writing something that’s rather long. But I’ve been wanting to start writing again. So i invested in getting a keyboard for my tablet. Showed up last night and I’m currently using it. It’s so much easier it and faster tp type things this way.

Well, in other news, i called in sick to work today because i feel like absolute shit. All this congestion I’ve had for a few days is finally starting to drain which is causing me to cough a lot, and have a horrible sore throat. I feel like death so i decided that I needed to call in today to rest as much as possible to give my body a chance to heal. I feel like I pushed myself too far yesterday with going to work a 9hr shift because as soon as I got home and I changed out of my work clothes i fell asleep, i slept for about 4/5 hours before I woke up feeling even worse than I did before. I fell back asleep after being awake less than a hour.

I woke up this morning at 7:15 to get my daughter ready for school, got her and her brother fed breakfast, did her hair and off she went to school. My bonus parents knew that I was feeling like absolute crap so they took my son on their errands so I could rest. After she left I laid back down and fell asleep for another 3 hours. And now, I’m just sitting in bed using my new keyboard, sipping on some water and contemplating on if I should attempt to eat something. My throat is so sore it’s unappetizing to think about eating and I don’t have any soup.

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My beautiful kids. I’m so thankful for them every single day.

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This was a much needed three day weekend for me. My days off are split up, so it’s difficult to get real rest in.

I had the kids with me every day and we had fun every day.

Sunday we did their Kiwi crates. (I got each of them a year subscription for Xmas this past year and they always look forward to doing them), we watched Inside Out, played outside, dug up Rollie Pollies, took some pics of the kids with my nice camera.

Monday, we read books together, watched The Little Mermaid, played with Legos, played outside, took a nap together, played outside again, then had a movie and popcorn night (daughter called it a stay up late night. They stayed up 30 minutes past bed time😂)

Today, Tuesday we all slept in til about 9:30, had a lazy morning of just relaxing and reading books until I had my therapy appointment at 11. When it ended at noon we had a picnic in the back yard on the grass, then we went on a walk through the neighborhood. The kids really enjoyed it. They each found some rocks they wanted to paint for me, so when we came home we washed the rocks for them to paint. I had to run a few errands, so Grandpa watched them so I could get them done fast.

Went to the dollar tree, where a woman called me a sheep for wearing a mask ( I’m fully vaxxed and have been since January, I choose to wear a mask because it’s what I am most comfortable with. I don’t trust this whole ‘Honor system’ that the government has going on - the amount of people I’ve had come up to me in the pharmacy with no mask asking me if they can get a COVID shot has been unreal.) I missed my opportunity to baaaa like a sheep at her. Instead I rolled my eyes and went on my way. Then just did some light grocery shopping for dinner.

Kids actually ate everything on their plates. At record speed too which was nice. After dinner, more legos, painted some rocks, then we watched The Owl House on Disney+ (which is super cute btw).

Having 3 uninterrupted days with my kids, no work, no ex husband was so freaking nice. I think the 3 of us really needed it. My daughter said she wants to go on walks every day I’m off, and never wants me to go to work again, and I’m so okay with that.

I’m going to try and utilize this more to write things down. I’m more willing to write the good than the bad. I’m not wanting to look back and see bad memories. Because bad memories aren’t worth it.

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Both kids went to bed BY THEMSELVES by 8:15 two nights in a row?!

How’d I get so lucky?

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I’m about to yeet this child of mine into another dimension if he doesn’t go to sleep..... it’s been 3 hours dude...

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It’s been a week.

Works been crazy busy. We’re supposed to be getting “the vaccine “ any day now.

On Wednesday I had a massive break down at work. My best friend, someone I’ve known for over half my life, her mom passed away suddenly. I found out at work and couldn’t stop crying. Her mom was another mother for me. I wish I could be in California to help her with everything that needs to be done. I asked her if she would be okay if I came out to help her, but she told me that me being there after us not seeing each other in person for a few years would be adding more stress on her. So I’m respecting her wishes, and I told her to just say the word and I would be there as soon as possible.

I do want to go out sometime this year to see her, and my family. but it’s going to have to wait.

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I got my tablet!

Ups is on something,.my tablet was in China on Monday, and by 5pm Tuesday the tablet was in my in hands. So far I’m really enjoying it, procreate is something else! I’m very happy with my decision.

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I made my decision

I made the decision on the tablet I’m getting. Decided to go with the iPad Pro 11 inch.  I’m so excited to get back into my art work, and I would love to share it here on this site. Looking for some art blogs to follow to inspire me.  If anyone sees this, please shoot me a message, a like, SOMETHING to help me. 

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I’m a free woman!

Its been over a week since my last post. Since then, I found out that my divorce has been finalized! I’M A FREE WOMAN! Yaaaasssss In other news, I’m in the market for a tablet. I’m wanting to get back into my art work. I gave it up once I had kids because I was so depressed, I had zero support, and I was so mentally drained all the time. I lost all my motivation, i was struggling to just live. It was work, come home, take care of the kids. I never felt like I could get enough sleep.

 Since I left my ex, I’ve been feeling more of the old me coming back. 

I know I want an iPad, I’m thinking of getting the iPad pro just because the specs compared to the other models are just way better. 

After the year I had last year, and the success I’ve had of this year, I deserve to buy something nice for myself.  But I still feel guilty, like I don’t deserve it.  Somethings stick with ya after spending years in a mentally abusive relationship. 

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I love it when....

I love it when my soon to be ex-husband is around, and just my presence visibly irritates him. It means that he still feels something for me. Even if that something is annoyance. He’s treating me like I am the one who has done something wrong. The only thing I did wrong was stick around for as long as I did for the sake of his happiness.  I’m not the one who decided to ‘hide’ something so big for the length of a 9 year relationship, only to drop a bombshell once feelings were developed for another person.  I’m not the one who decided that gaslighting was the way to treat someone you claimed to love. I’m not the one who decided to hold someone's depression, and anxiety against them. Telling them that they aren’t even ‘trying’ when they are giving everything they have. 

My presence also irritates his girlfriend too. Like bitch, I’m not the one who decided to become a home-wrecker. She gave herself that title, and it’s something she’s going to forever have.  I should have left him as soon as he told me he was polyamorous, I knew from the fuckin’ start that the lifestyle wasn’t for me. But I was too focused on doing what made HIM happy. I sacrificed so damn much for someone else only to be treated like shit.  And now that I’m HAPPY and THRIVING they’re getting annoyed at my presence. So I absolutely love it when I can see that me, just being me not caring that they’re around is annoying them. Because the only thing I feel for them is disgust. Because they’re both absolutely horrible people, and they deserve each other. I just really hope that the type of people they are, doesn’t rub off on the kids.  I want my kids to be good people, to care about others and have empathy. Not to cause so much grief to people they claim to love. Because what he put me through, it was the furthest thing from love.

Now that I’m learning to love myself, I know what self-love looks like, and if someone can’t love me for me. Then it’s their loss.

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Wear a mask

Today was a short day at work. By 10:30 it felt like it had already been a long-ass day.  An anti-masker came in, and my manager met her at the counter telling her that if she wanted service inside the store she had to wear a mask. Otherwise she can use the drive-thru. She demanded to speak to the store manager who told her the same thing. Then she asked him to pick up her item for her. He told her no, because of HIPAA and because he didn’t know her outside of conflicts.(lololol)  Anti-Masker stormed off then came through the drive-thru where my manager continued to help her because everyone else was uncomfortable.  Manager explained this, and Anti-Mask went off. Saying that she was never doing business with us again (....oh no.... don’t go....) said “fuck it” then she started to drive off, and my manager told her to have a lovely day and Anti-Masker replied with “You too bitch”. Needless to say, she will no longer be allowed to fill with us. Cursing at staff is where my manager draws the line. 

A few months ago, this same woman started screaming racial slurs at our security guard, and has caused several scenes in the store because she was asked to wear a mask. The overall store manager is trying to get her banned from shopping with us all together. Fingers crossed that thiis actually happens. 

The liquor department will be the only department taking a hit. lololol

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First Post

Its been almost 7 months since I left my soon to be ex-husband. I thought we’d be together forever. We had promised each other. But because he kept  huge part of him a secret for our entire relationship (9 years) then dropped a bomb on me one night, everything changed.  He came out to me as “poly” the only reason why he came out to me was because he had started to develop feelings for a co-worker. I was shocked. But I wanted to support him. Even though it was killing me inside. I felt like I wasn’t enough He wasn’t listening to me, or my needs. I told him I would try this poly-relationship with him. But he rushed me. I told him I wouldn’t be ready for things but then he would go ahead and do it anyways. Completely ignoring me, and the things I needed to be comfortable in this situation that I was thrown into.  I would have breakdowns. I was having suicidal thoughts. I was manic depressive. But he didn’t care about any of that. His only thought process was how I was making his new girlfriends feel. He didn’t give a damn about how I was feeling about anything.  Within 2 weeks of him breaking this news to me, I developed a heart condition which I fully believe was caused by the stress that was brought on by this situation. My heart would randomly start racing, sometimes getting up to 195 bpm, when all i would be doing was sitting/standing. Nothing that should cause an accelerated heart rate. 

Then COVID struck. I tried my best to be the supportive wife. To be there for him because I didn’t want my marriage to fail. Not only for myself. But for our children. But he started to treat me worse, and worse. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I packed some of my things, told him I was leaving for no more than 2 weeks because we had to figure things out... then less than 24 hours later he started letting his girlfriend move her things into our home.  He showed me how little he really cared about me with that decision. 2020 was really the worst year I’ve ever had in the 30 years I’ve been alive. But the past 7 months, have been the best years so far of my adult life. The longer that I’m apart from this person who made me feel so horrible about myself. Who didn’t validate me, the more I realize what a monster he truly is. To give him credit, he would tell me he was a bad person. Call himself heartless and a monster. I just refused to see it because I was stupid and in love. From the outside looking in, I can see what an awful person he is.  It’s true. Love is blind.

This blog is for me to focus on my happiness. To leave the bad things in the past where they belong because there is no changing them. There is no point to focus on them when its done and over. 

I’m growing into a better person, every single day. I’m happy. I’ve moved on.

I am a little bitter, mostly at myself because I allowed myself to be treated horrible for 6 months. I deserve so much better than what I went through. But I’ve learned from it, and I’m growing from it.