Soñado Underground @myundergroundlockbox - Tumblr Blog

I’m 33 years old, and it has become a real possibility that I might actually end up alone…!!

After years of thinking about it, I will have my first shrink appointment next week. I always thought stuff like that weren’t worth the investment for my petty problems, but at this point of my life, I guess I require adult solutions for adult problems.

Unhealthy relationship with sex, self diagnosed low levels of dopamine (can’t remember the last time I was excited about anything), love life in the same rot, and is becoming less and less funny as I realize I’m not getting any younger, body dysmorphia, self esteem…

all attractive qualities for a prime catch…!!

Is 5:24AM on a Thursday, and here I am again on another insomnia episode. In two and a half hours I gotta log into my first meeting of the day. The last time this happened I felt so sick and miserable that I almost couldn’t wait for my shift to be over so I could shove a sleeping pill and jump to bed to start fresh the day after. This year it has gotten worse, and I hate to admit I might be dependant on those fuckin’ pills, but so far that is the only way how I csn be remotely functional throughout the day.

I opened this lockbox again to kind of channel that wave of thoughts that show up when you’re in bed, alone in the middle of the night, to realize I haven’t written anything since my 30th birthday last year, and now I’m writing just 3 months before I turn 32. Thought I would be able to grow out of my emotions and insecurities at this age, but here we are…!!

Months ago, I disputed my cousin’s claims that work from home was the best thing ever, and that I thought I was more productive at an office. After two and a half months in WFH mode, I’m not really sure I like the person I’m becoming like this. I wasn’t particularly happy before anyways, but now it has become a bit more strange.

Here we are, 30 fuckin’ years old.

Somehow, this year feels particulary heavy. I’ve reached checkpoint in my life where I look how fuckin’ fast my 20s came and go, what checks and misses I had, how at this point I am still dealing with all my demons in this lockbox, but now trying to figure out how am I supposed to drag this into my real adult life.

Shall we do a quick checkup:

I still feel lonely...!!

What initially made me feel sad, now makes me feel embarrased and concerned. In 12 years of adult life, I had a single relationship that I toxically forced and proyected feelings to, which rightfully imploded at the end. And then a fair shot with somebody who ended up even more damaged than I was, which I didn’t even wanted to bother with.

This very early mid life crisis is making me feel that I wasted the best years of my life second guessing myself and figuring out how to deal with this shit. And now I enter my 30s feeling inmature, and without a grasp of what kind of adult am I supposed to be.

FUCK THIS SOUND PITYFUL

On good days, I feel like this decade could be my redemption story and that life will work itself out, whole other days I feel like I’m entering. Void of unceirtinty. Feeling lost, without a plan, Unable to leave home. I am punishing myself with my own expectatives and the ones from people around, all for my constant need of approval.

I need chance, evolution, growth. And at the same time I feel like I’m not ready to let go of my past until I get my peace with it.

HELP...!!

Is almost 4AM, and I’m back again...!!

How do people cope with loneliness, self worthiness, lack of human comfort, etc...!!

Every time my mind goes off, I am constantly reminded that I can’t find someone sho likes me, that I don’t feel atractive to no one, that I don’t feel as a priority to almost no one, and that people basically takes me for grantes. I unconciously switch my way of being just to others, and probably that’s part of the problem, but again, I am constantly looking for approval and any sense of value.

I’ve been thinking about therapy for a while, someone who can unravel my fucked up mind. There must be something really fucked up about me that I screw myself up from living a normal life, from attract the right girls and the right people into my life, I just wanna experience that fulfillment for once....!!

June 16th 2020, and it’s 3:30 AM.

As if my life wasn’t numbed and detached enough, COVID has drastically reduced my already reduced interactions with the world.

The year that was supposed to be about squeezing the last drops from my 20’s years has become a literal battle for life in the rest of the world. The 30’s are getting closer by the date, and I kinda feel like the years I am supposed to enjoy the most and become myself are flying like leaves in the wind.

What’s even worse, my lack of fulfillness at the end of my twenties is giving a rather somber look to begin my 30s. Like another damn millenial, I’m heading straight to my adulthood not feeling like an adult yet. With a worthless love life that ain’t looking better with time.

aestum

(by withluke)

kylebonallo

by Kyle Bonallo (Instagram)

What is wrong with me...!!

I feel numb..!!

I’ve been feeling numb for a while. Every day becomes easier and easier to just go with the motions, struggling to find excitement or genuine happiness about something. At first I thought it was just a symthom of maturity, that shit that made me axious and nervious doesn’t seem to matter that much anymore, but lately that feeling as been spreading further and further into my life.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt motivated or excited about my life. I’ve tried to focus on myself for self growth, but I guess the gratification for that effort haven’t quite arrived yet. I don’t know. Am I trying to convince myself of that whole “me first, me second” mindset, or is it just another way of looking for approval and appraisal. I guess everyone aims for those things, but I keep having a hard time to fill that gap in my life.

Like most of my entries here, it always cirles back into my (so called) love life. I used to beat myself up for being unable to live up to my manhood expectations of conquests and image, but now that has turned into an unsettlng realization that I just can’t find a connection with almost nobody. I keep trying to find this perfect scenario of girl and relationship into every girl I meet, but IDK if it’s just tough out there, that there is no such thing of a perfect soulmate, or that I’m so clueless and hopeless that I keep sabotaging myself from atracting the right things in my life.

Maybe I’m going after the wrong ones, maybe I’m approachig for the wrong reasons. Maybe I haven’t even started going for the right ones, Or maybe I have not figured out the right one(s) from the rest. Has my expectations blinded me, am I shooting for the stars an the unreachable, it the unreachable healthy, is settling like giving up.

#SoñadoNumb