inner monologues of a troubled girl

[myunfilteredm1nd]

This is my brain space.

My mind moves so fast

sometimes i just need to put it down into words

so i'll put it here

maybe you care, maybe you dont

probably you dont, why would you, you dont know me

but here are the words from my mind as i try to figure out what the fuck it is that makes me feel so deeply broken

[geopsych]

Here’s a video so you can hear the water and the thrushes. I took it for you because you couldn’t be there. <3

[vexheart]

[myunfilteredm1nd]

I want to learn to watch life. I feel life, I feel every life I meet, I try to feel every person I meet. Empathy consumes me and every person I meet consumes me. I worry about every interaction I have. All my relationships are haunted by one all-consuming underlying feeling fear of rejection and need for them to like me. Im scared that im just like my dad and I snap at people the way he does im so scared people dont like me. Sometimes im rude to people and I know im doing it but I just cant stop it and I feel awful after every single one. All my days are consumed thinking of peoples perception of me. It didnt always feel this bad,  constantly worrying im upsetting everyone around me but not being able to control my actions. Maybe my empathy isnt empathy afterall. Maybe its a disturbingly deep fear of being alone. Being hated by everyone. Never feeling loved or wanted. The people who do love me and I know they love me I can’t allow myself to be loved by. I cant quite ever put my finger on what or how, but I just cant feel the love from them and it feels like theres something in my mind fighting it off. A little voice in my head, my voice in my head, they dont love you, they couldnt love you, they see that you care about them, that you spend every day every moment wanting to make them laugh or smile or know that you care about them, but when theres bad moments, when life hits, when I come across quite short, or I get a bit weird or make too stupid of a face I feel like an idiot and I I see myself for my flaws

Ive always known I do 

And ive known for a while now that I shouldnt

Ive been trying to figure out who did it 

Who broke me down to make me think so little of myself

Because I didnt always feel this way

[myunfilteredm1nd]

My dad

I don't even know where to start. He raised me and my brother. I always remember his temper, his snaps, I couldn't make a peep as the noise annoyed him, I know this was just undiagnosed adhd, now I can see it a mile off, he'd still never admit it. Even still. It doesn't make the memories any less painful.

When I picture my childhood, I picture the town I grew up in, a little town where everyone knew everyone, the town that I’ve now fled out of fear and shame, of myself? 

I picture how on nights my dad would get really angry I'd go to bed and cry and pray to god that my mummy would come and get me. I can't remember many of the tantrums now, I think I've blocked a lot of them out. I remember creeping around the house to get a glass of water or go to the toilet, because he didn't like noise. He stopped hitting me when I was around 5, It was only like a smack on the bum, but a horrible one. I remember how everyone always bit their tongue around him and just backed down, I'm the only one who wouldn't. I stood up for my big brother, my auntie, my nan, everyone. When his tone gets nasty, or he snaps, or shouts, or calls people horrible names, for no reason. I would tell him he's being unreasonable, and stick up for my brother when we were younger. He hated that, but he would've done the same for me if someone else spoke to me like that, and that's the hardest part about hating him for it. But he'd get angrier and angrier. Once, when I was about 9, he hit me with a pair of his denim jeans, and the button hit me on the face. I was a bit older then and he took me to the doctors after because he said I had wound him up so bad I was crazy. I told the doctor how he had shouted at me and hit me with the jeans. He sent me to my mum's for a week, and I cried because I thought he didn't love me anymore. That's when it became normal for him to go mental at me and then us not speak for a week, then go back like nothing happened, till it happened again. It's never stopped. 

I spent my childhood scared, I just remember being scared. Beating beaten down.  Telling me im horrible, I'm the most horrible child, I'm the most horrible person he’s ever met. So why do I spend my life trying to make him proud? Because he just gives me money. That's how he shows he loves me. There are people who do love me. My mum doesn't have money, but she loves me. She might not have been a good mum, but she loves me. She couldn't give me the life she thought I wanted, but she might've loved me more. It's hard to tell. And I guess I’ll never know. But she was never there.

I don't know who the bad guy is, I kind of think they both might be?

So I've been trying to find a new family.

So I moved to the other end of the country. 

Friends, partners, people. People I can love and people who will love me. 

God, this is just another story about love. 

Is that what it all comes down to?

Because there’s only one person I truly crave love from 

Who just wont love me

And its me

[myunfilteredm1nd]

i should probably put a trigger warning?

I'm doing better, I've started self harming

I've always been pretty prone to living in the ruts fuelled by ADHD exectuive dysfunction mixed with depression and anxiety, you know, not leaving bed for days, not showering, not tidying my room, NEVER making my bed.

I self harmed when i was 13, as you do when you're 13, I didnt gain anything from it and never really truly committed, but never thought about it again.

Then 11 years later, a few months ago, I had a bit of a *wobbly*, a mess up with my meds combined with a comedown from a few days bender and it just sent me west and i spent a few days cemented to my mattress, my brain felt so empty but so full at the same time, one day i woke up and i knew what i wanted to do that day. next thing i knew i cut myself, on my thighs, just enough to hurt and bleed. I did too much and panicked, my flatmate heard the commotion and came in, cleaned up the blood and got me bandaged up. took the day off work to make sure i was okay, and even got me out the house and all our friends there to try distract me the next day. I never told them but i think they caught on as I was in a pretty bad way, in contrast to my usual loud, funny (if i do say so myself) and confident self.

After a couple days my meds regulated and i started to feel myself again and feel better, i vowed to turn things around, started making my bed every day, keeping my room tidy, cooking meals, eating healthier, spending time with my friends instead of sitting alone in bed everyday, and i've been doing it for the first time the longest streak ive had in my 24 years, ive been doing it

but ive cut myself every day

i crave it, i know its wrong because i know people say its wrong, but my god im struggling to figure out why its wrong now. I dont want to die, i really dont and i have no intentions of ever doing it enough to kill myself. but i look forward to it, i come home from work, take my makeup off, make myself a nice cup of tea, get in bed, pop a movie on, reach into my bedside drawer and get my blade, and i cut my leg.

what could be so wrong with that?

[myunfilteredm1nd]

my first experience of love

i was 14, i had a crush on this boy in the year above me. he was quiet, kept to himself, sweet and mysterious. instagram had just about become a thing, and we started messaging because i was way too nervous to go up to him in school.

we spoke loads, but were still quite shy when we saw eachother, we'd meet at the station and walk into school together, keeping a sensible distance from eachother.

i got butterflies when i was with him, i'd never gotten butterflies for a boy before.

one day my friend was having a party because her parents were going away, we had just started drinking so this was really exciting, we planned a massive party/sleepover. i asked her not to invite him as i didnt want him to see me drunk and for me to embarass myself, but she did.

he had told me he wasnt going to be there till later on, i was so nervous i kept drinking and drinking, and by the time he arrived i was drunk. I'm sure we had our first kiss together, but i cant remember. the night itself was a blur. the next thing i remember is my friend putting me to bed in her room as i was too drunk. she put me to bed alone.

at some point in the night i woke up and could feel him next to me, trying to move my body, my shorts were off, i was just in a top and my underwear.

i was terrified, he seemed to be trying to roll me ontop of him, while putting his hands in my pants. i remember trying to resist while not letting him know i was awake. then every now and then i'd stop resisting to see what his intentions were, you know, incase he just wanted a nice cuddle or something.

i was a virgin, i hadn't really done much with any boys at this point, nothing more than a drunk fondle between friends figuring out sex for the first time. i really liked this boy.

but he kept trying to get me ontop of him, putting his hands further into my pants, and i started to resist more and more, try and lean my body away from him. this whole time i didnt let him know i was awake. i guess i was scared id upset him.

eventually a friend came in looking for his girlfriend, which i used as an excuse to 'wake up'.

i went downstairs and told my friends, who just encouraged me to go back and 'finish it off'.

i didnt

but i walked home with him the next day

i let him justify himself when i asked him about it, he said he was jealous the teddy i was cuddling had a better cuddle than him

i dont know if i really did love him, but ive never had butterflies for anyone since

i think from that day i realised, guys aren't ever going to love me and my body the way they should.

no matter how i feel, they just want one thing

and thats one thing i still to this day have kept to myself

and shock, they've all left when they havent got it

crazy lol

[myunfilteredm1nd]

please leave mentally ill-proof ways to love yourself here

[sweetsweetperil]

I’ve come to realize, that maybe the only person I want to belong to,

Is me

[myunfilteredm1nd]

god i so deeply long to have something so great and powerful

but here i sit in these 4 walls

listening to sad music

writing my thoughts out on this page

wondering why im not enough

[myunfilteredm1nd]

i know my boundaries and my baggage wont scare the right person away, but what happens when the real fear comes from people leaving

even when its the wrong person

they still left

[myunfilteredm1nd]

how do you explain the knowledge that you ARE enough and you ARE worthy, but every thought and action riddled with the all consuming belief its not true?

[myunfilteredm1nd]

a letter to my younger self

darling,

be brave.

darling,

i'm sorry.

i want to tell you that you'll go through life easy, your shine will never dull. but it does, only on the inside, but it does. you have so many great people around you, people who love you, people who'd move mountains for you and you them- but somewhere along the way this feeling came

this void

that its not enough

that they wont stay

and you won't be able to shake it

not yet anyway

and im sorry, i've let you down. if you could see where we are now and everything we've been through, everything we've experienced, you'd be so excited for the future, to go take it as it comes the good and the bad. but we didnt do it that way, we let it break us down, our brain betrayed us.

but i'll fix it

i'll fix it for you, for me, for us

because you deserve so much more than this resentment for trauma that was out of your control and the ever lingering consequences that weigh on my heart day in day out

i will fix it for you

i love you

im sorry

[myunfilteredm1nd]

im not a liar

i dont lie

people say im too honest

but if im being REALLY honest, i lie all the time

i lie that im fine

i lie that im happy

i lie to myself, when i tell myself im okay

i lie to myself, when i tell myself i'll get over this

of course i will, but in a deeper sense i wont

it'll chip away at me slowly

bit by bit by bit

until all thats left is

well

nothing

[myunfilteredm1nd]

please stay, please stay

please dont leave

please see im trying

trying to get through this

trying to get better

trying to find a reason to love myself

please believe i will

then maybe i will too

why do you hold so much power, when it should be me?

[myunfilteredm1nd]

how do i stop myself from fearing rejection

how do i love myself

if i get over my fear of rejection, will people want to stay?

can they smell the fear on me

smell the insecurity

see the tiny bit of self worth left buried beneath a mountain of confidence and happiness

hidden so methodically behind big smiles and little jokes

can they see how little i think of me, of her

the girl whos been through so much and still manages to shine on the outside

why is she so broken on the inside

[myunfilteredm1nd]

I wonder when life became so black and white

so dull

surely somethings going to shine some light soon, right?

right?