My Vaginismus Journal

After five months of marriage and many tries at PIV sex I found out I have Vaginismus. I am now on the journey to get this under control! Feel free to ask any questions. Not a doctor! Header: @ophirabites

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hi, it's been forever and a day! Life has been absolutely insane for me with so many big changes and COVID and everything going on.

So biggest thing, my husband and I have separated. He moved out in July and it's definitely for the best. Back in February I came to a realization that my husband is incredibly emotionally abusive and has been for quite a long time, practically our whole marriage however it got a lot worse in the past couple of years. A lot of this realizing had to do with my mom and dad separating because my dad is emotionally abusive to my mom. It caused me to look and see the extreme similarities in my relationship, we tend to marry one of our parents or we emulate their relationship because that's what we know! Theres a lot of bad stuff that I'll probably post about every once in a while since I kind of need a place to let stuff out and he doesn't follow me here so I can speak a lot more freely. We had a talk about it in February and he said he'd work on stuff. I really pulled away though and I think his actions are so far rooted unless he seeks professional help, that won't really fully change. So fast forward to June and we have a big talk about everything and discussed the possibility of separating/divorce and said we'd each think about it. We also said hey, we need to start being fully and completely honest with each other so that was good. A week later, he decided to move out. I feel like I should have been the one to say you need to move out, but he thankfully knew I would probably have a really tough time doing that and did it himself instead. I'm grateful to him for that for sure. He moved out super quick which was really hurtful and surprise he ended up with a place he hates because he jumped into it so quickly. We still talk a tiny bit, but mostly just memes or stuff like mail or finances that we need to discuss.

When he moved out, I was very heartbroken and upset because it was so quick. But once he was fully out, the main thing I felt and still feel, is relief. No longer walking on eggshells all the time, being able to be myself, not having to constantly shove my emotions down. I've been feeling happy and free which I think says a lot. I've been unlearning a lot of my habits that I would do simply to placate him. I also have been realizing that although I'm extremely lonely and sad, I don't actually really miss him. I miss having a relationship and a partner, even though it was a toxic one.

A month later he came by to pick up some stuff and I invited him in for a little bit. As he started to leave though he asked me for a hug and we both started crying. We had another frank and honest conversation where he said he's trying to change as hes realized how negative and angry of a person he is and how he hates him own self so he needs to work on being happy with himself. He also mentioned how he realized that a lot of his behavior was learned from his dad since that's how his dad treated him/his mom growing up. This was probably the most emotional maturity I've ever seen from him! He talked about how he wants to get back together and work at the relationship but he understands if I cant. I had to be honest with him and said that I wasn't completely writing our relationship off but I was leaning towards not getting back together. Also talked about how worried I was if we got back together things would maybe be okay for a bit and then fall back into old habits. Talked about how he had to do his growing for him, not for me and a chance to get me back because that might not happen. Talked about how it would be a good idea for him to seek professional help with his depression and anger issues. It was a very very hard conversation but good.

Now it's been almost two months since he moved out and he came by today to pick up a package that got delivered here instead of his new place. He did try and get it rerouted but it didn't happen unfortunately. So he came by. He looked so depressed and sad but thankfully I was wfh so I couldn't invite him in to chat or anything. The loneliness hit me super hard after he left though. It made me think, oh maybe I should try again. But I had to realize that, no, it's not him I'm missing, it's having someone around. He was really really horrible to me and I don't think two months is going to change something so deeply rooted in him. As well, I don't think I'm ready to forgive all the hurt and pain he's caused me. Maybe one day I will. But right now, I need to end it, not lead him or myself one with hope of getting back together because I honestly don't think we will. I think it's gone too far and there's no turning back on what's occurred. God it hurts so much though. Like I've spent almost 6 years of my life married to him. September 27 would be our anniversary actually.

I'm also terrified of having to essentially start over. I am the type of person who loves love! I like being in a relationship and I see myself having a partner again. But goodness I have no idea how to date or flirt or do all of that!! I started dating my husband at 18 and then got married at 21. I've only ever been with him. I've only ever kissed him. I've only ever had sex with him and even that barely because wow when you're being emotionally abused and manipulated, it doesn't help the vaginismus (sarcastic shocked Kirk meme here). I somewhat wonder if vaginismus has something to do with that too. Like my subconscious didn't fully trust him and made it harder. We did have penetration a couple of times, however it wasn't ever really good for me. Hell we barely had any kind of sex in the past two years because either I was completely horrible at the task or it wasn't PIV and that upset him. Ugh. But like what does that mean for future relationships?? Part of me wants to just go out there and have a fling to see if maybe that'll help but it probably won't because I need to trust them first. Ugh. Just everything sucks so much and I don't want to start over but I have to and we'll see how that all goes with my vaginismus.

I've got a lot to talk about in regards to the emotional abuse and also other life stuff including: leaving a religious cult, working at a hospital during a pandemic, maybe becoming a witch???, and future dating updates hopefully. Lol I need to go to a therapist omg

Sorry to just word dump, I've been needing to get it out!!!

[meandvcomic]

Me and V #4: Reasons is up! Enjoy!

[meandvcomic]

Me and V #6: 1st Time. 

In which I am, once again, completely ridiculous. 

[myvaginismusjournal]

What is your opinion on women having vaginismus from a sexual abuse stand point (trauma ) and then having it from a non sexual abuse standpoint? I have it from trauma & have noticed it’s easier to over come in women who don’t have it stemming from trauma :( I feel hopeless at this point

Hi there! I want to first say, you are not alone in this! I know how it feels and it can seem so incredibly debilitating, but, you are doing amazing and I swear things do get better. As for my opinion on people having vaginismus as result of sexual trauma vs non sexual trauma, although there are differences between them and different things to overcome, I believe that no matter how it started, we are each on our own paths. No one person is the same and it’s incredibly unfair to chart our progress according to someone else’s. There is no deadline you need to meet, there’s no, oh I should be able to do the 2nd dilator in two months because this other person could! Physical and mental health just does not work that way. Each person has their own things they battle with. No two people are going to be exactly the same in how they receive treatment, how they deal with things and how they heal. I can definitely see how it might seem that someone with sexual abuse might overcome it faster. The vaginismus is linked with an (or multiple) event that they can focus on rather than an ambiguous thing. However, in my opinion, I don’t think that means that it can be overcome easier or faster. What someone with sexual trauma has to deal with is extremely difficult and something that I as someone without sexual abuse wouldn’t have to deal with. On the flip side, someone with sexual abuse wouldn’t be going through the same things I would be dealing with. There’s no right or wrong was of processing or healing! You just need to do what is right for you and not force or rush things to try and meet someone else’s level. I 100% understand how hopeless this can feel, especially when you see others that might have a similar situation as you, who seem to overcome it easily. The important thing to remember is that each person is so so different. One person might be able to use dilators for a month or two and then never have to really deal with pain again! One person might have to use them for years. Another might have more of a psychological thing that needs to be dealt with and go to therapy. Another might be more on the physical side of things. What works for one person, doesn’t mean it’ll work for the other!

Also another thing I want to address is that a lot of people thing progress must be done in one fell swoop and in a straight upwards line. THIS IS NOT THE CASE! You will have good days and you will have bad days. And just because you have bad days when you feel like you’re going backwards and have made zero improvement, doesn’t mean that all your hard work is gone or it’s all been for nothing. There’s no progress chart that says everything has to constantly be improving. There will be times when you take 1 step forward and 2 steps back and THAT IS OKAY! It’s completely normal! 

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hi, I've decided to do something about my vaginismus. I was wondering if you knew of any reputable places where I could buy some hegar dilators? I've looked and all the ones I knew of were way too expensive for me to afford

Hi! Sorry for the late reply!! I have a post with some links to dilators here: https://myvaginismusjournal.tumblr.com/post/175747319632/myvaginismusjournal-colormipretty but they may be out of date. If anyone else has suggestions please feel free to add! One thing you can also try are just regular dildos or anal plugs as they tend to be on the smaller side. Hope this helps!!

[myvaginismusjournal]

Sex has always been painful for me but there has always been full penetration. The last time a guy attempted to penetrate me, he literally could not get it in and thought I was doing it on purpose. Is it possible for vaginismus to just get worse without treatment?

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. I haven’t been on this blog much due to some mental health stuff but hoping to get back to it soon! NOW, first of all, one of the biggest things I want to say is vaginismus is not something you control! You are not doing it on purpose and even if you’re feeling aroused and ready for sex, your body can think the opposite. There’s a billion reasons why this can happen. I’ve found for myself, vaginismus is extremely situational. If I’ve had a bad or stressful day it can be worse, sometimes it’s where I am on my cycle, birth control...etc. so many things can effect how vaginas work, not just for people with vaginimus, but also people who don’t have it! One of the biggest things my therapist helped me to learn is that even people that don’t have issues with pain will sometimes experience it! Treatment can help, but in my experience, there’s so many factors that can effect it!

[myvaginismusjournal]

Not really an ask I just wanted to say thank you for making this blog. Having vaginismus is something I’m still trying to deal with but seeing someone be so open about having it and working through it means more than you know

I’m so sorry I haven’t been around much but I’m so glad that some of my story has helped you!!! Hope you’re doing well <3

[myvaginismusjournal]

I’m absolutely buzzing with happiness, because after years of anxiety and Vaginismus I was finally able to insert a tampon without busting into tears. Like I don’t feel I have a hopeless vagina anymore, i concurred the tampon!

CONGRATS!!!! That is such a wonderful feeling!

[the-goddamn-robot]

Damn, Rome really looks great in all four seasons

Winter

Spring

Summer

Fall

[ba7raltawil]

oh my GOD

[that-catholic-shinobi]

NOOO

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

Baited and hooked.

[moi-ennepe-deactivated20251213]

I'm cry

[myvaginismusjournal]

hi, I have vaginismus and one of my therapist’s advice was to engage in foreplay with my bf. And I realized that because of this illness, I have really low sexual desire and I can’t enjoy foreplay. I mean I knew that I couldn’t enjoy sex but now I don’t enjoy even TRYING TO HAVE SEX! Ugh! I feel so frustrated. Just wanted to ask, is it normal to feel this way? Or is there something way more wrong with me? :(

I found in my experience, this is definitely something I experienced and still experience. Especially when first starting out, any type of sex is difficult because the cycle of pain associates any pleasure with pain now. There a lot of other ways to be intimate with you partner that aren’t sex. It’s a good idea to talk to your therapist about this as well. Remember that this process takes time and have good open communication with your partner so they know it’s not their fault and explain how you are feeling.

[myvaginismusjournal]

OH ALSO! I have an IUD now! Me, the person who couldn’t handle a qtip at the beginning of all this, had an IUD inserted inside me.

It was painful, but not because of the vaginal walls, but more because of the you know cervix opening. I explained to my doctor about the vaginismus (which she knew about) and actually offered to do a smaller iud rather than the larger one and made sure to use a smaller speculum. I definitely had a lot of pain after the procedure with the cramping and stuff, didn’t help at all that my period came a couple days later and messed with me so bad.

The check up I did have a bit of pain with the speculum but it wasn’t too bad!

Overall though, the IUD has been great, no issues so far! 

[gravitren]

I don’t use tumblr a lot nor do I really have the mental capacity to help everyone here but back in the day I had severe primary vaginismus and now I don’t.

Anyways, a big part of that was physical therapy and THIS RIGHT HERE since heat + vibrations loosen your muscles

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hey, well I'm in a country where there is stigma about mental illness and of course nobody talks about vaginismus. I tried three times with my boyfriend to do it, and for the third time after a lot of pain succeeded. I thought that it would be better this time, since I'm new to this and it succeeded. But he couldn't get in and I bled. Doctor said prev I had no infection and a normal vagina. And it'snot like I didn't want to do it so I'm desperate because I don't want to feel every time likefirst

It’s very very rare to find anywhere where talk about vaginismus is common! Even here in canada where we discuss most of these kinds of things, I had no idea vaginismus was even a thing until I was diagnosed. It might be a good idea to go to the doctor again and get it checked out. Although pain can be an indicator of vaginismus, the pain could also be other things. However, it does sound a lot like it. Remember that although you may be able to have sex one time, it doesn’t always mean that it will be successful the next. And the same for the other way, just because it’s painful this time, doesn’t mean it’ll be the next time. Pain and the brain are very funny things. The more pain the body experiences, the more the brain goes HEY this is painful and being to associate the action with pain from then on. Each time it’s painful after that, the brain goes, hey I was RIGHT, it is painful. And then the cycle of pain has been born.If you can, see if you can try out dilators (smooth dildos essentially that range from small sizes to larger) or even fingers for the first bit. Work your way up and see what you can teach your body and brain to not associate with pain.

[myvaginismusjournal]

Recently had it confirmed that I have vaginismus. I’m not surprised because pain w/ penetration has always been a problem for me (I’ve never been able to use tampons) but for some reason having it confirmed really hit me. Felt a little better after explaining it to my boyfriend who seemed optimistic about treating it, but I don’t think he gets how long it could take or how shitty I feel about having it. I feel weird and broken and I don’t know where to go from here.

Hi love, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. I definitely experienced the same thing when I was first diagnosed. It definitely wasn’t a surprise at all once they told me. Open communication is the best here. There will be times when you and/or your partner are frustrated. Keeping that communication open and honest will allow you guys to share and go through this experience together. Counselling or going to a sex therapist helped me out a lot with the emotional side of things. You can go by yourself (which is what I did) or if your partner is up to it they can maybe attend with you sometimes. 

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hey kind soul! I just saw your acc while searcing for help on tumblr.. I want to ask questions if it is fine.. I did not go to the doctor yet but I think I have vaginismus. Me and my bf tried to have sex for 3-4 times but it hurt like hell everytime. Like there is a wall.. He can insert his whole middle finger(sometimes 2), it does not hurt but during penetrating his penis, it is painful. How you cured it? How did you approach it? How long did it take to heal it? I am so sad and disappointed..

Hi there! SO sorry for the late reply. The wall is definitely something I myself have experienced. Basically when the vaginal muscles become so tight, they come so close together it feels like a wall instead. For myself, different acts can have different responses, fingers can be okay, but a dilator or penis wasn’t. A lot of it can be a subconscious response to pain. Fingers are okay because you dont associate them with pain so your body doesn’t tense as much, but it does associate pain with a penis so then your body does tense up and creates that wall. It’s not your fault at all, this is completely normal for any type of pain response. The brain loves a pain cycle and will continue to do it for a while. I wouldn’t say I’ve been cured, I still experience pain from time to time and I know that sometimes when I try to have sex I have to listen to my body and feel and see if I can do it that day. Sometimes it’s a yes, sometimes a no. Dilators were a huge thing for me and I still use them now (mostly because I enjoy them now!!) The healing process can vary for every single person. Some people it’s a couple of weeks, some take years. There will be ups and downs and it may still continue or flare up again later down the line. This doesn’t mean there’s no hope though! It’s just good to remember that it’s never a linear line, there will be ups and downs and plateaus.

[myvaginismusjournal]

Hey guys, it’s been a HOT minute since I’ve been here. 

Updates: I can regularly use my almost largest dilator and it’s actually extremely enjoyable for me!

I have had penetrative sex a few more times! I still get somewhat nervous for it and lets be real husband and I haven’t been the happiest. It’s been a tough journey and right now that drive for me just isn’t really there. We’ve come to terms with it so that’s good, but I do still experience a lot of guilt when it comes to it. I’m hoping I can try and bump up that drive some more because even non penetrative sex with my partner is meh for me atm. other life: work is great! cat is great! family, not so great..

I’ll be answering some asks and messages today! SO SORRY TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN WAITING!

[siliquasquama]