Father’s Day
I had a great time with my dad but later my anxiety took over. And depression. And sadness. And tears. I am struggling with being alone. And struggling with borderline personality disorder. It’s like if I keep myself distracted long enough and pretend that everything is fine, I will be able to survive. Reaching out to guys has given me somewhere to place my energies, as well as music. I thought that I was doing well and just working towards my dreams but no, I am just quite simply unemployed, chasing a music and film pipe dream, and wanting to lose enough weight (ana) for life to not hurt anymore. I have been and will continue going to the gym and keeping my body tight but I am having a difficult day. My parents and family are very supportive but who am I kidding? I don’t have friends here. I have acquaintances who would be disappointed if i wasn’t here anymore because I was nice... but that’s about it. My best friends don’t live here and any guys who seem interested in me just want me for my body and rarely anything else. If they achieve that they are soon nowhere to be found. I feel empty, used up, alone, and without any skills that will get me anywhere. A failure. When I quit my job, pretty much everyone told me that I sucked at my job even though I poured my heart and soul into it for 8 months, even on my days off and in the middle of the night. I feel like I am not worth anything or anyone. I see people with their friends and I’m here living in a fucking vacation spot. And what do I do? I pretend I’m ok with being independent. Coffee shops alone to read, handing in random resumes, past “friends” who treat me like I don’t exist, bar-going or clubbing by myself to check out a person I know playing in a band to support them. My birthday this year when I was meant to see “friends” was me having a drink with two guys, who left and I went clubbing ALONE. On my birthday. I cried myself to sleep that night. If I disappeared and sunk away to nothing the world wouldn’t be missing out on much but a sad girl who wanted to achieve her dreams but couldn’t. Slowly, I lose faith in myself. And thus begins my undoing.
