Untitled

never not on my mind.

[myyworldinadaze]

eres aburrido.

diviértete, sigue siendo un pendejo.

[walkingproof]

Kendrick Lamar x Not Like Us (Live)

[myyworldinadaze]

I am very much still traumatized by this recent experience. paranoia on deck big time. I cry literally everyday. the way life has done me this time around has truly hurt my soul. today was a breakthrough though. I was distraught and worried about him when I am the one that was affected. I suffered, I was in shambles trying figure out this whole shitshow. I took a little more power back. it is day one of this. let's see if I stick to it.

[myyworldinadaze]

I really do go after the wrong guys and it doesn't help that I move very swiftly. I do indeed take charge because most guys are either too intimidated or maybe oblivious. I might be permanently single 🤷🏾‍♀️😔 my type of love is not for this world I guess.

[myyworldinadaze]

I guess I have a personal test I need to put myself through.

I have to just let things be. I have to stop the pursuits for now.

I hear about people alienating themselves and keeping their heads down, getting their shit together on the sideline.

I think that's what I have to do, not just what I need to do.

I HAVE to do it.

This past traumatizing event has truly left a huge mark on me. My mental state is super fried. I am running around like crazy, just paranoid all of the time. Just trying to force shit to happen right away. It's backfiring on me though. I'm trying to make those stupid moves, making "calculated" decisions to try to sway the situation in my favor.

I made another "move" yesterday and I don't know what is going to happen now. I have to leave it alone until I hear something back.

That's going to be my test starting today. I have to sit back and wait. I cannot go and reach out for the time being.

This is really hard for me and I will be crying a lot and going back and forth about just reaching out anyway. I have to find distractions, I cannot stay in my house unless it's bedtime. I have to keep moving or I will go even more insane.

[myyworldinadaze]

why do things just happen? just why....

I guess there will always be select people who the universe will continue to toss shit at just because.

I am out here in my own corner, not trying to make waves, pursuing what I want for once without shoving it in anyone's face.

but shit just keeps on coming at me and I don't understand.

I am very much depressed and I am not seeing the light at the moment.

I wouldn't say that this is the lowest I have ever felt but I would put it up there in the top category.

Will I make it through this round of bullshit? Will I get to continue with my pursuits? idk anymore...

[myyworldinadaze]

idk idk idk idk. you think you have a clue but the universe has you on edge because whaaaaa???

no passes for you! this is what is intended so deal with it ???

fuuuuck you :)

[myyworldinadaze]

ha I was left hanging for a UFC fight. fml I will never understand the priorities of boys. am I being unreasonable? is this something that I shouldn't be so pressed about?

I mean he did state that he would try but it's like really? you're saying you want to really see me again but you chose to go and watch TV instead??? am I missing something here?

I truly need further instructions because clearly I missed something...

[myyworldinadaze]

is a new chapter about to begin??? this day was just wow. work shenanigans, parenting shenanigans, ex-relationship shenanigans, newly-forming relationship shenanigans. my brain peaked and I cried in my bathroom. so much that I am processing and trying not to fuck up by making the wrong moves. what in the actual fuck is going on??? self-care by taking sad girl pics because I like the emotional pain.... what a weirdo this gal is..

[myyworldinadaze]

I don't understand 😔 is it my brain? or is it bad timing? what is it? I am so in my feelings today. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I miss my mom.

[myyworldinadaze]

first date :)

[myyworldinadaze]

wow. my first date in a while and it was.... I am just so glad I was on my period because he definitely would've gotten some. definitely seeing him again 🤭😏😬

[myyworldinadaze]

[wetheurban]

Breathe. Everything takes time. Everything will fall into place. Everything is going to be okay. Everything will work out in the end.

[myyworldinadaze]

Will I ever seek the answer as to why I become so obsessed so quickly? Attaching myself to the next subject like a leech. I bleed it dry until it no longer suits its purpose in my world. Do I really get a kick out of just living on constant stress and the adrenaline that it brings? Is that my vice? What does a "healthy" life look like? A mentally, emotionally healthy life?? What is that? Or what is that to me? What brings me peace?

[myyworldinadaze]

I am so nervous-excited! 🫣 😩 haha I am glad I took a chance and tried a new approach. next Friday can't come soon enough.

[myyworldinadaze]

getting there like Flying Lotus. small steps here and there. today was a doozy for sure. it's nice to feel excited about something again. lol I think my little bro may have forgotten about my favor though. but either way, I am glad that I'm making attempts towards healing. gotta go and have another little chitchat.