CJ

BrujaMermaidAlienSauceQueen From The city of lost angels 🌙✨🔮 Writer. Singer. Artist.

[thephasesofalex]

I AM HERE AND YOU CAN NEVER SILENCE ME

-SILENCE- This is something you’re born with A god given right everyone utilizes Whether it is to warn your caretaker of your soiled diaper or empty stomach Whether it’s to scream in fear on a roller coaster or silently whisper a secret to a friend We are each given this unique ability to survive and thrive Some are hoarse and some are soft Some can serenade and some can cut like a thousand knives through flesh Used in the right context it can destroy nations or create masterpieces We utilize our god given talent for business, for pleasure, for foreplay and for revenge We use this to our advantage, to discover a new shade of grey within the scheme, an ability to create sight with sound An ability to see noise with color When we are stripped of our right to express we are stripped of our identity as an individually unique whistle in a sea of tortuous thunder

My voice has been restricted, my identity had been ignored, my noise has been muted. For years I’ve lived the life of a silent storm, wreaking havoc in my mind, ripping apart my insides, scarring my temple with my silent screams. But no more, no more silence I will be loud and viscous and damn anyone to the depths of my hell who try to silence me NEVER SHALL I ALLOW SOMEONE TO STRIP ME AWAY FROM MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO YELL TO SING TO CRY TO LAUGH TO SURVIVE TO FIGHT never again will I allow someone to deny me my right to respond. Whether it be with my words or with my voice. You will hear me, you will listen and you will fear my words. You will fear because you will never know what I am capable of constructing with a couple of syllabus and a well placed comma. You will hear what I have to say because never again will I stay wallowing in the shadows wishing for what I should have done. You will hear me and you will cheer because I will have the courage to express what we are all scared of expressing. You will hear me and you will know that you two can fight. Because it is easy to identify a drum from a flute but when put together we can create a symphony of madness and chaos and destroy anyone who tries to silence us. Never again will I stay in silence. Never again will I cry in silence. Never again will I regret in silence. The only way to silence me, is to eliminate me, and even then I shall thrive with my words.

[mzcaves]

I AM FREE

I never meant to hurt anyone I just can't stop I can't stop roaming For I have wings And I cannot stay still for very long I released myself into the Wild Since then, there's no going back My soul belongs to the universe My heart is out, not to be captured, But to free everyone else's With endless love and compassion My free spirit will drift Dancing with the wind And capturing the beauty of the earth The beauty of kind souls on my path There's no room for sane thoughts Not in this life Only instinct and intuition Go with the seasons and follow what inspires you most I don't know if I could be followed I don't know if I could be loved But my heart is full and open And although you tried to love me, You just didn't know how. I never meant to hurt anyone. -cj

[mzcaves]

LIES YOU TOLD ME

You are perfect You are all I'll ever need You are all I want I love you so much You are everything to me My life revolves around you You make me happy You are perfect You are my world You're all I'll ever want I only need you You are perfect I'll always be here for you I'll always love you You are more than enough You are perfect I love everything about you You are so beautiful You're more than a woman You are so perfect -cj

[vomitingwords]

1. Hello. 2. I miss you. 3. Can we talk? 4. I hope I’m not annoying you. 5. I want to see you. 6. Please tell me you’re doing fine. 7. I’m worried about you. 8. Let’s listen to our favorite song. 9. Do not let other people bring you down. 10. I hope you’re truly happy. 11. I love you. I really do. We started from 1 and I felt 11. Sometimes we do 8 with comforting silence. You used to remind me about 9. And I will always be grateful about everything we’ve had. Wherever you are, and whoever you’re with, please always remember 2, and 10.

ma.c.a // 4 but 7,3,5 and 6 : An Indirect Message From Me (via vomitingwords)

*sigh* 💔

[mzcaves]

FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

Today's the big day And I couldn't be more destroyed My soul is broken, shattered and burned to a crisp I'm no longer angry How could I be? I'm dismantled Devastated from the inside out Everything beautiful inside me has died My heart has rotted completely You're tearing me apart slowly and painfully Torturing me with the idea that you truly love me But gradually breaking me further Taking the fragile heart that you own in your hands and crushing it Then throwing it in the garbage as if it's nothing but rubbish to you You cruelly pulverized all that I gave to you Everything that I am is now in the dust beneath your feet My love for you is incredibly real But love doesn't smash you into smithereens and leave you to bleed out deliberately until you die I'm dying My lights are dimming I gave you my heart and you murdered it I'm now a bloody mess waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel Breathing gently trying not to cause anymore damage I don't know what I've done to deserve such unmanageable pain But I am most definitely paying for it And it must have been a terribly evil thing that I did Because I've loved you unconditionally with all that I'm made of With my whole existence But I never seemed to be enough to satisfy you Love is the most important thing to me It is EVERYTHING to me I truly believe it can surpass anything But your conditional love isn't real It's death It's pain It's torture I die with every thought I have of you With every beautiful thing you've ever said to me With all the promises we made With all the beautifully delicate love we made With the way you'd look at me when you'd tell me you love me With your lovely smile that lights up my life With the way you'd caress my body With your wonderful scent And soft skin against my face With your beautiful eyes and luxuriously subtle lips I leave tonight a phantom As if I never existed to you Just another passerby in your life Just another girl who cried for you to love her Just another person who opened up their hearts to you only to be shut out by your brutal rejection I'm on my knees falling apart And the girl I once knew lies lifeless and mindless on the cold hard floor Never to be truly loved by you And you let her die.... -cj

[mzcaves]

BELTANE🌿🔥

The fire rises up to the stars Sensual energies near and far Gaia awakens bringing new life Beauty and nature without any strife Flowers spray their scent in the air Festive floral crowns in our hair Maypole dancers joy they bring Altogether welcoming spring Protected we are with flames high Crackling heat reaches up to the sky The festival of witches in full bloom All the while the Fae folk loom Fertile lands the goddess gives The Wild woman in you lives Our bodies bare we can't be tamed Mother Earth clothes us just the same Trees beautifully entrance me Loving meadows enchant thee Vivacious and free we are today Dancing in embers on this May Day -cj

[mzcaves]

SELF LOVE

We're all just broken little creatures trying to survive in this cruel world. Trying to find something or someone to piece us together. Giving others the power to break us further And completely trusting them not to. Distracting ourselves with the idea of true love. Hoping it would repair us indefinitely. Walking around with our IVs attached to our hearts. Weak. Malnutrition written all over our bodies. With a distant stare into the night sky wishing on stars to bring us what we need to feel whole. Broken creatures. That's all we are. Seeking soulmates in all the wrong places. Allowing other unrepairable individuals into our souls only to feel even emptier as soon as they leave with some of the wreckage they caused. Destruction of the self makes it impossible for us to love one another. Ruining ourselves for the lover who will love us unconditionally. So, we sit around waiting. Waiting for any act of kindness shown our way. Not knowing it could be the last of us if we don't learn to love ourselves first. -cj

[mzcaves]

INTOXICATED

I smell alcohol on everyone's breath sitting next to me Then i suddenly feel drunk myself Nauseous with a pounding headache That uneasy feeling in my stomach Coming to greet me And remind me it's over I'm all too ready for the numbness Hoping to feel nothing sooner And make me disappear into oblivion Into the blurred madness of my tears Intoxicating myself mercilessly Until I purge all the poison uncontrollably Down the drain and away from my heart Taking myself through a wonderland Of pure nuclear waste Gladly inhaling deeply with endless hope Driving my mind through a whirlwind of insanity Nothing. Only emptiness The darkness slowly creeping back And I can't runaway from it It attached itself to my body Spreading its carnivorous teeth Chewing on every part of me Nothing. I feel nothing. -cj

[mzcaves]

ALL AT ONCE

It's all a facade. Not once did I live in my reality. Not once did I feel so close to the end as I do now. Not once did I decide I hated myself. All at once it fell apart before my eyes taking me down with it. Not once did I believe it was fake. But all at once it shattered. Deciding to hold it together, although broken and crumbling little by little, taking the fragments in my hands and blowing away the dust particles to keep the fossilized remains in my pocket. Hoping to revive them, reattach them to my quavering body. Heaving heavily and frantically with a pulsing head on my shoulders. With one hand on my chest and the other holding me up on the cold, hard ground. Head spinning, heart heavy, tears flooding the entire room causing the apocalypse of my time. I deteriorate every part of me I ever knew. And not once have I ever felt so helpless. Not once did I ever feel so broken. Not once did I ever feel so scorned. Not once did I ever feel so despondent. All at once I was buried in the pitch black darkness of the earths wet soil weighing densely on my evanescent body. -cj

[ifthenightcouldtalk]

Alone. She ignores it all day, keeps busy with school or work or anything to distract her mind. She avoids sleep because she knows she can’t escape it then, the loneliness in her chest. Eventually she has to give in and she hopes she’s exhausted enough to fall straight to sleep. She doesn’t want to let those thoughts in. But she can’t fight it forever. It’s at 2 am, when she lays curled up in bed because she doesn’t want to feel the emptiness, that her mind turns to black. The darkness of heartbreak crashes in and the tears swell in her eyes while her body shakes until exhaustion takes over and she falls asleep. She may get a few hours of rest, but she knows it will all start again tomorrow. The cycle of loneliness. The cycle of missing him.

The cycle of heartbreak. (via ifthenightcouldtalk)

[alaskaisnothere]

Love is selfless. That doesn’t mean you should care less about yourself. You shouldn’t hurt yourself to keep them safe. That’s not love, that’s abuse.

giulswrites (via giulswrites)

[mzcaves]

UNIVERSE

The gloom looms over me Heavily with this retrograde Forcing its emotions upon me Deeply I feel it through my veins The planetary injustices That we empaths drain Ourselves of are exhausting And yet it is a gift The gift the universe has inflicted Psychically debilitating my mind My body and my cosmic soul Lady Luna as my heart Father sun as my brain Galaxies run through my blood Nebulas are in my eyes Vibrations of humans, time and space Dwindle my spirit numbing all of me Absorbing all souls and emotions That is my curse That is my gift I become one with surrounding energies I am stardust floating in space I am the blood flowing in your veins I am the UV rays of the sun I am the grass you step upon I am the universe -cj

[mzcaves]

OSTARA

Pastel hues all around Birds come forth to sing their sounds The air is fresh and full of dreams Waters rushing down the streams Flower child come and dance Through the wild in a trance Beauty as far as the eye can see Mother Earths gift to thee Milk and honey cover the lands Enchanted roses grow from my hands Pegasus whimsically flying above Bewitching is the season of love ❤️ -cj

[mzcaves]

COSMIC

The empty box in my chest remains It won't let me forget I've lost again I just want to be me I just want to be free In a land that's against all the love I want to give I've lost my mind within the stars My empty head filled with stardust Clouding me blurring my vision And the heart I once knew floating in pieces around me Uncertain of my next destination With not an ounce of hope left The steps I take have no meaning I don't know where my feet will take me I'm a meteor hurdling towards another planet Burning brightly through the stratosphere Waiting for the crash that will transform me Stripping parts of me as I penetrate through the atmosphere Blinding myself staring straight into the sun And yet I do not stop because this is my life -cj

[mzcaves]

INDIGO WATERS

Inhale dirt Exhale flowers Make it work Lasts for hours

Take my breath Feed my soul Rub my head Kiss my mole

Pull my hair Kiss my nose Take me where The roses grow

Feel the beat Intensify Gradual heat Electrifies

Mold yourself Inside of me As I melt Into the sea

Indigo waters Blinding me Take me further To ecstasy

Honey lips On rose wine Take a sip Enjoy the ride.

-cj

[mzcaves]

AFTER THOUGHT

In the darkest depths I find myself Squirming uncomfortably and awaiting your arrival I don't know what I'm doing here and I don't know why I'm covered in my own blood But it definitely means that something is afoot Avoided the void I feel whenever I think about this horribly lit abyss of a life Only makes me feel emptier and even more worthless It doesn't matter if people don't understand me I watch everyone rehearse their life as I read their script Knowing what comes next and fearing what I don't It all looks the same. It's all plastic. It's all a show. The wonderment of what goes on inside others' heads will always perplex me It's never known fully for their hearts contain the endless pit of despair they will never release as I tend to do My spinning head dizzies me only a few times today Distractions, distractions that's all around me. Keeping me away from my own damnation in my helpless heart. Empty hearts and empty minds collide like asteroids in space and time Less love and more hate heavily applied on earth Confused creatures of the night coming out to play in the light Burning themselves as they step out and still they proceed Numb and mindlessly deteriorating themselves until their brain is smothered Turns out I only feel alone as everyone always says. But the truth of the matter is, no one will ever be inside my head. I instinctually walk wherever needed without questioning my surroundings An apparition in the crowd in one of the biggest cities in the world With millions of other ghosts who see right through me as if I truly wasn't there My flesh crawls away from my body carrying all but my bones The inevitably despised reaper of life collects the dust that was once my skeleton Using small compartments as he is out of my size Scattering them in all the places that I once loved and inside the hearts that I desperately once craved. -cj

[mzcaves]

DESTRUCTIVE LOVE ❤

Artists don't fall in love. They destroy themselves completely. They rearrange themselves into a new organism. They become one with their lover. They melt into them and lose themselves so helplessly as if there is nothing more important in the world. They become them. They drown themselves so deeply into them causing a frenzy of utter elation. Euphoria. Pure ecstasy. They give more than just their body. They give their entirety. Their being. Their soul. When an artist falls in love with you, the universe will have your being spread among the stars. You will be imperishable in their hearts and in the cosmos. -cj