Perpetual Dream theory

Sometimes I wander

[mzhlz]

I listen to sad music when im sad, not because i want to feel sad or stay sad..

..its because i dont know how to validate or honour that feeling and music seems to do that.

Music makes my sad glad... and i dont know if that makes sense, or if it should or if thats even normal but...music.

[mzhlz]

My body is sad, i mean i can feel it in my bones but its as if my thoughts havent caught up.

I feel that ache and yet... when it comes down to it, my body is calling out, and my brain is declining calls.

Imagine sending your own calls for help straight to voicemail...

[mzhlz]

Mexico made me invisible.

Ive stood out, my whole life. Always somehow different... foreign.

I felt like i came home, somehow my face was lost in the crowd of faces and for the very first time in my life, i felt home.

Like that was where i belonged, like my soul came home.

Being in my actual home, i feel foreign, even in the place where i grew up. Like somehow i was in the wrong place and couldnt understand why i always wanted to leave.

[mzhlz]

Being human and being a person shouldnt be mutually exclusive and yet, for some it is.

#peoplearehardwork

[mzhlz]

Whats the word for:

Being lost within someone,

When you're a mess of tangled hair and bedsheets, never being close enough, all-encompassing.

Where do you end? Where do they begin? Taste on your lips, the scent in your head, the sound of heavy breathing, everything, everywhere, at once. Too much and yet never enough.

Is that obsession? Is it even healthy?

Hopelessly love drunk, love sick and somehow painfully sober....

#lovecore #lovesick

[mzhlz]

Please dont praise my strength.

This wasnt my decision.

I wasnt safe, so i became strong to make myself and others feel safe, my body their shield.

And by the time i was close to being safe, my body wasnt one i knew anymore. Battles, scars, wounds that never seem to heal, i became atlas....

I wasnt shown how to love battle scars, only to love that which was fragile and beautiful.

How can something carved from pain be beautiful?

I will never be delicate and fragile and some would argue "why would you want to be"

Because thats only possible when youre safe.

[mzhlz]

"Ill always grieve the life we couldve had"

Im not mad or sad that youve grown, or that you're finally becoming the person i always thought you would.

Im mad at how much time i lost, hoping youd change, how much i drowned in the darkness just to keep everything else floating...

Im sad that i didnt love myself enough to draw a line in the sand.

I dont want us back, but i get to grieve the parts of me i lost for 10 years, because i wasnt strong enough to leave. The "we" is me... 10 years is a long time to be in pain...

Im happy for you, because i know what it feels to be lost, im just sad because my soul helped build your foundation and now i have to rebuild my own and im tired

[mzhlz]

Im not you, i cant be, because you are you. but if youd let me, even for a moment, id try to read the pages of the story you tell and all the words you chose not to say. I cannot carry your burdens, but i can carry you, even if only for a moment. I can hold your hand when you weather the storm, i can anchor you when the waves try to pull you away, i can love you even if i dont know how, i will try and i can wait for you to come home, so that you do.

I cant be you, i need to be me, so that i can have the privilege of knowing you.

[mzhlz]

Why is it when you stop feeling lonely... you suddenly want to be alone?

[mzhlz]

Having to tell others how to help you is exhausting. I get it, they want to help and theyre not sure how. But this is why people dont ask for help, because they only have enough to keep the lights on and people dont seem to understand that their version of help isnt helpful... the point of asking for help is that you dont have the answers to begin with....

[mzhlz]

Feelings suck, sometimes.