the beginning of the end.
for those of you who remember, i said i would post my final draft of my letter to alex when i got closer to my graduation date. although it's still three months away, i'm satisfied with the final draft of said letter so i will go ahead and post it now. i'm not going to give this to him. here we go:
I honestly don’t know where to start with this letter. You don’t know how many times I have written and rewritten every single word. I have decided that this is going to be my final draft whether I like it or not. Forgive me if it gets all over the place; my thought process when I’m feeling emotional isn’t very coherent. I guess, let me start off by saying that I wish this could be written better. I wish it could sound sophisticated and meaningful but frankly, my mindset is incapable of finding eloquent ways to express my feelings. I suppose a written letter is better than me attempting to speak to you; that would not go well. It’s sad that I still haven’t been able to properly talk to you after knowing you for two school years. Anyways, time for me to pour my heart out in this farewell letter.
Truth be told, I didn’t quite like you when I first came into your AP European History class. It’s not that I disliked you; you just intimidated me. You intimidated me from the first time I met you during orientation, when it was just me and you in your classroom. You intimidated me from forty feet down the hallway. Even during school assemblies, with all of those hundreds of people, your presence still intimidated me. I say ‘intimidated’ like it’s past tense but you still do, if I’m being honest.
Do you want to know what changed and why I so obviously became attached to you?
I doubt you remember, but some kid (Andre or Connor probably) pronounced ‘gif’ incorrectly and you told him that if he pronounced it like that again you would hang yourself with the blinds in your classroom. I know that it’s kind of odd but that is a really fond memory to me. It made me realize that you weren’t as scary as I thought and that you have the millennial sense of humor that I’m so comfortable with. It’s a weird feeling, being so comfortable around someone yet on edge at the same time.
It’s exhilarating.
It’s exhausting.
Being around you is so exhausting but I wouldn’t change it for the world because you have taught me so much. You got me motivated when I just wanted to give up. I wanted to try and succeed, which is something that had been buried for so long. I wanted to make you proud. I know that in the second semester of last year I failed at that.
When I got suspended I wasn’t thinking about myself; I was just thinking about you (which is idiotic, I'm aware).
I was devastated because I knew that I had disappointed you. I didn’t want you to see me as an idiotic child who couldn’t care less about succeeding. I didn’t want you to think less of me. The logical part of me would tell myself everyday that you would understand that people make mistakes but I was still terrified.
Even as I write this now (August 3rd, 2019; 2:55 AM), I still don’t know if I can stand to see you when school starts. Part of me wants you to be mad at me because I deserve it. I want you to tell me you’re disappointed in me. I want you to tell me this because that would mean you noticed and you actually cared. Another, larger part if terrified because I know that the truth is, you probably don’t care enough to get angry with me or to feel anger about what I did (if you do in fact know why I was suspended; if you don’t, long story short, I had a drinking problem and it finally caught up with me). You won’t tell me you were disappointed with my actions or that you forgive me because you’re not as deeply invested in me as I am you.
I’m just another student and that’s perfectly okay with me.
Of course it hurts, but I would rather have my heart broken a million times than have the possibility of your happiness being taken away from you. Seeing you happy is all I need to be at peace with my emotions. Nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.
With that being said, I probably acted distant and indifferent to you throughout the year. I don’t know yet since I’m writing this before school even starts—it’s pathetic, writing about the end before it’s even begun. I have made a promise to myself to just treat you like any other teacher because if I allow myself any flicker of warmth, I know I will just fall back into this overwhelming pit. I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings (I doubt it will). It’s okay if you feel relieved (I expect you to). Addendum (August 25th, 2019): This letter was written under the impression that I would be in your government class, which I obviously was not. I don’t know why because I switched from AP to CP as soon as I heard that you were teaching CP Government this year and I put in a request to specifically be placed in your class with my counselor. She did that for me last year when I transferred to your APUSH class instead of Mrs. Wilson’s. With the new policy, I won’t be able to switch out of any of my classes next semester to take AP Human Geography or something that you might be teaching. I have a TA block next semester but it’s during first period and if it hasn’t changed, first period is your planning period. Plus even if it wasn’t, it is so hard to TA for you. A lot of people want to be your TA!
Now this is the part where you probably want to stop because having someone confess the whole truth to you is something that a lot of people can’t handle. The only reason that I feel comfortable enough to tell all of this to you is because you are one of the few people that I can 100% trust. I grasp onto the thought that you still stand by what you said about never getting mad at me ever with every coming sentence.
The saddest part about unrequited love is that you always try. Even as I tell myself to shut out anything other than teacher worthy emotions, I find myself clutching onto a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe you could love me back.
Please understand that although I did and do have feelings for you, everything that I did for you was not me trying to make you uncomfortable or seduce you or something like that. I would never never never want to do that to you. I truly did those things because I liked to make you happy. I love to do things for the people I love.
I don’t think you realized how devastated I was that time I got called to Student Services about you. I was so distraught that I had pushed too far and made you upset. Just the thought of me being the cause of you experiencing negative emotions makes me so upset with myself. I was so close to crying when I came into your classroom to ask if I did something wrong. Then you told me that everything was okay and for the first time in a long time, I actually believed it. You made me believe it.
I know I’ll miss you forever because the parts of you I have seen are some of the most beautiful pieces of a person that I have ever known. A wonderful quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald goes, “Suddenly, she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be.” That quote flickers through my head a lot these days and I think it is very fitting for me and how our time is coming to an end. Even though we will never be together, it warms my heart to know that a person like you exists.
It’s weird to think about all of the things that I think about when it comes to you. It’s weird that I’m even writing this letter to you, which you have probably already stopped reading and have thrown it away or given it to administration or something of the like. None of it matters though because even if you have or haven’t stopped, I’m going to get everything out that I need to.
For starters, you confuse me. I doubt it was your intention but some of the things you said to me made me overthink everything. You randomly told me one day after I brought you coffee, and I quote, “Don’t ever worry about making me mad, okay? You could never make me mad.” You even repeated it to me when I didn’t respond to you the first time. You know what I did after that? I took that little bone and ran with it like a starving puppy. Then when I jokingly told Faith to tell you that I love you and you said you loved me too. Then at the Black and White, when I swear time froze when we saw each other for the first time that night. And then when you placed me in my AP Euro seat at the beginning of APUSH, when you were seating us alphabetically by last names and when you got to my seat you were still at the ‘Cs’ but you put me there instead, in the front row and the place you lecture in front of the most. All of those moments mean so much to me even though I know they were thoughtless to you.
Secondly, you ignite me. I know I said this earlier, but I am going to repeat myself because I mean it with every fiber of my being. You motivated me again. You were the only reason I kept coming to school when all I wanted to do was quit. It was so easy for me to get away with not coming to school but when I got into your class, I never wanted to leave. I was actually so disappointed every day I missed school because I wouldn’t get to see you that day.
Lastly, I love you. I love you in a way that I want you to succeed with everything in your life. I love you in a way that I want you to always be happy and content. I love you in a way that is so foreign to me because it is completely selfless. If you asked anything of me, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it. That’s a scary thought to know that you have so much power over me. The only reason I can tell you all of this is because I know you won’t abuse it or me.
I wish I had more time with you. I could sit in those stupid, uncomfortable desks 24/7 and listen to you talk about history, politics, whatever else you wanted for the rest of my life and never be satisfied with the amount of time spent with you.
Although we will most likely never talk again after graduation, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you mean to me. You will always be important to me. I will fade from your memory but I want you to know that you will never fade from mine.
that's the end!
i feel like the letter is really all over the place but i think it does a great job reflecting my mindset and emotions when it came to him. i use past tense here because i have been thinking over a few things for a while. i am not going to be updating on this blog anymore and i am closing it down. i know that i've said this before in the past, but i truly do believe that i have lost feelings for alex now. since my last update, i actually saw him quite a bit and i... didn't feel anything? people change and mature and i believe that i have done that. thanks so much for taking the time to read that monstrosity as well as go on this tiring journey with me through the latter half of my high school years. it means a lot.
please remember to stay safe! thanks again!