oct 29
i've been questioning my faith a lot.
The past couple of years have been a whirlwind of everything and nothing. My mind has been trying to process it all but I guess when I try to put it into words it doesn't know how to properly process it. Blogging has always been my gateway of figuring out why I feel a certain way, but i've halted it since probably 2017. & honestly, since then I don't really know what happened in my life. I'm not sure if I use to write more for myself or for my readers. In a way, knowing that other people are reading what i'm trying to process gave me a sense of purpose... cause I mean common, my brain already is thinking everything that i'm trying to put down into words. So maybe my goal will be to get back on here. I don't even know how to write anymore. My grammar probably sucks, and my spelling? Don't even be surprised. I write like I talk. And the way that I talk isn't much more sophisticated in any way. It's simple - and my brain can't seem to learn anything new. I'm currently 33.
In many ways, when I reflect on my life right now, it's ideally good. I have both my parents alive and well. My immediate family members are generally living with everything we can ask for. Money, cars, families, comfort, health and whatever the world thinks is the meaning of success. As for me, I have the most ideal life that I can ask for. I work probably 20 hours a week on a "busy week," make way more than I ever thought i'd make, can eat whatever I want and work out everyday. I have all the time in the world to watch tv, hang out with my friends, travel practically whenever I want. My biggest worries currently are probably thinking that I can never afford a house in San Diego, getting audited, my business taking a bajillion years to open, and of course not being married and having kids, or even being close to it. Which, I guess can seem pretty tragic to some people LOL. But, maybe i've convinced myself that I have enough that those things are just secondary.
In all this, i've been a been weary. Maybe being by myself more recently has reminded me of how lonely this life can be. Even though I am surrounded by all the greatest people, I at times still feel so alone. This I know is rooted in not being close to God. I remember specifically the moments I fell in love with Jesus. When I felt like nothing in the world or the universe can tear me away from. Throw me on an island I would say, and all will be well. He was actually living in me and alive within me. I heard his voice so clearly. My heart and soul felt fulfilled and satisfied in whatever situation I was in.
But now. Now I feel like an empty shell. I first felt this when I questioned if the Spirit was still in me. I then began to notice myself questioning things of the bible. Truths that I use to hold so dear and close to my heart, I began to find myself doubting. I also found myself minimizing the gravity of whatever the gospel was saying. & this scares me. Which is so ironic... cause I probably feel scared and want to cling on because I do have the spirit inside me right? RIGHT?
I've also recently started going to a new church. Kairos. It's everything that i've been looking for in a church. A smallish but big enough church where missions is a priority, prayer is being practiced, community isn't just a weekly food gathering and the leadership seems so in tune with the Spirit. BUT it's been wrecking me a little. This past week I went to a bible study for young adults. Going to these groups have truly humbled me. like.... did everyone go to seminary? Everyone seems so genuinely in Love with God. They all seem very grown in their walks as well. Like what, where are all the people that need to be reminded who Jesus is? Where are all the "Sunday church goers?"
ANYWAY, all this to say... we were reading Hebrews and in Ch 4 it talks about people that are being fed milk and solid food. And i felt like i've been drinking milk the past 7 years. I Also realized... in that same chapter that I don't think I knew the difference between Good and Evil anymore. My lines have been so blurred that I don't know what change in my life would look like if I were to be close to God. SO, this week I am going to challenge myself to pray more and really dig into the word again. I want to be changed. I want to be renewed. I want to have confidence when Jesus asks me who I am at the gates of heaven.
SO here I am... trying to make sense of myself and my faith. Praying for miracles in my life. Transformations in my heart. May my life look significantly different in a week, month, a year because of Jesus.