Last time I weighed myself I was 74kg. I am probably getting heavier.
I’m going through a terrible, terrible spiral of self hate. This is because of many things from life, but my weight contributes at a portion it’s never been before. I’ve never been this concerned and depressed about my weight before. I’ve never thought that life would be different when you lose weight - everyone is kinder to you, your parents are proud you, your friends aren’t embarrassed about you, boys will talk to you. I can wear what I want to wear, and look how I want to look. I didn’t realise that life in the 80s or 90s range was never like this and I am so so terrified of going back. When I eat too much I hate myself. If I can’t go to the gym I hate myself. I have so much self hate and it causes me to do things I don’t mean. I hope this terrible relationship I have with food and exercise and turn out better in every way, but that is at least not true in the moment I am typing this. I hate myself so much. I want to be skinny - stick thin - unhealthily skinny! It doesn’t matter if I starve myself, or workout until I throw up, I want to lose weight. I don’t care how I do it, I just want to look pretty. I want people to continue being kind to me, I want my parents to not be embarrassed about me, I want you to talk to me.
It’s not about self hate, it’s about self restraint, yo!
But it’s hard to control yourself when you hate yourself. I couldn’t control hurting my parents, there’s nothing I can restrain. Honestly, this feeling is so very terrible, and it seems like nothing can change it but me miraculously having the body of a supermodel by tomorrow or killing myself. This is a pain I feel like I can only cope with through another pain.
Please man, please. I just want to the world to be kind and continuously kinder to me.
