Finals were a week away and Matt was beginning to realise he’d made a mistake spending all those nights hanging out playing poker, watching movies when he should have been studying. He couldn’t afford more bad grades or his parents would be very angry. Who wants to deal with that shit? Nope, it was time to pull a few massive all-nighters and cram like crazy.
The first night Matt downed a couple energy drinks and kept a steady supply of coffee on hand to keep him up and focused. Unfortunately that left him pretty jittery and absolutely wiped out the next morning. It was pretty obvious he wouldn’t be able to do that again without making himself very sick. But there was another solution, his room-mate, Josh.
“C’mon man, just a few Adderall to get me through to finals,” he begged. “I know you have plenty to spare and I can pay you pretty well.”
Josh looked at Matt with absolute disgust. “I have those pills because I need them, not to be a drug dealer,” he told him briskly.
“Oh come on!” Matt begged. When he found out his room-mate had ADHD he’s immediately thought, jackpot! Weren’t hyper kids supposed to be impulsive and easily led? Well Josh may have been a fidgety speed-talker but he sure wasn’t a push-over. Kid had absolutely refused to sell a single one of his pills. As far as Matt was concerned the guy had no entrepreneurial spirit.
“The answer, as always, is no Matt.”
“If I fail these exams my parents will kill me. You’d be doing me a solid, no one would ever know and I’d owe you, big time.”
Josh frowned but at least seemed to be considering it. Finally he said, “Okay, I’m not selling you my Adderall, that’s a schedule B controlled drug and we’d both get jail time if anyone found out…”
“But my doctor did just prescribe me a new medication, one that is supposed to really help improve focus without the danger of addiction amphetamines carry. But it is still a bit experimental…”
Matt didn’t care about the rest, all he needed to know was it improved focus. If it could make a twitchy kid like Josh sit still and study it would surely make him into a cramming machine.
“Thanks so much dude!” Matt gushed.
Josh nodded, retrieving a pill bottle. “It’s called Avertomin. The starting dose is 10 mg twice a day. The side effects to watch out for…” Josh began, pulling out an information sheet.
“I’ll look it up myself, don’t worry,” Matt assured, holding out his hand.
“Don’t take more than 20 mg a day,” Josh warned, handing him the bottle.
“You have my word,” Matt promised.
After dinner Matt secluded himself in his bedroom, books laid out before him. He grabbed the little bottle of pills and downed two 10 mg ones at once. There was no time to build up to a therapeutic dose with exams this close. Now it was time to cram.
Half an hour later Matt felt the meds kicking in. A sort of giddy elation settled over him and the whole room seemed to grow crisper, brighter. Time itself appeared to slow down as the pleasant sensation built into a full euphoric high. Wow, this was some gooood shit! Matt made a note to remember to take some more when he didn’t need to study. This would be awesome at a party.
For the next six hours Matt sped through his books. The outside world ceased to exist and his brain felt like a sponge absorbing every word perfectly. Then it began to wear off. He could feel the euphoria slipping away, the world losing its shininess. And then came a wave of fatigue, of absolute exhaustion. Matt yawned loudly, putting down his book and leaning back. He needed to rest his eyes for a moment. Just for a few minutes. He was asleep almost instantly.
When Matt woke up it was morning. He had class in an hour and he felt really strange. He wasn’t exhausted like the morning after his coffee binge. No, he felt well rested, refreshed. But his head felt foggy, felt spacey. He couldn’t shake the sensation as he got dressed, got ready for class.
It was like internal thoughts kept interrupting him, kept distracting him from what he was meant to be doing. Next thing he knew he was already running late for class. He hurried out the door, then realised he’d left his notebook and pens sitting on his desk, so had to rush all the way back to get them.
It was embarrassing getting to class late, making people stand up so he could get to one of the empty seats at the centre of the lecture theatre. Matt was always on time to classes, to important things. But not today. And once he was seated things only got worse. The lecture wasn’t particularly boring but other thoughts kept popping into Matt’s head and suddenly he’d realise he missed the last minute or two of the professor’s notes. It was very annoying.
That wasn’t the only issue though. He felt really restless, like he’d had way too much coffee. The harder he tried to concentrate on the lecture the more intense the sensation became. He was actually starting to feel anxious, like he physically needed to stand up and walk around a bit, but he couldn’t. He was trapped in the middle. He could feel every movement of people in his row, it made him dizzy, like his senses were all turned up to eleven.
The guy next to him suddenly gave him a nasty look. For a moment he was confused, then he realised his knee was bouncing up and down furiously, knocking against the desk and he’d been clicking the end of his pen against his notebook over and over. In fact others were glancing at him too now. Ugh.
Matt managed to stop fidgeting, though that made his internal thoughts only rush faster. He gave up on listening to the lecturer, instead rifling through his bag, looking for the fact sheet Josh had given him the day before. Mercifully he found it amidst the mess of what was normally a well organised bag.
At first nothing much jumped out at him under side effects. Dry mouth, headaches, nausea, tachycardia, hypertension, all the normal stuff. But then came the one he feared, “Increased symptoms between doses.”
Fuck. The pills were basically giving him ADHD. It had to be temporary of course, but how long would it last? If this didn’t wear off soon he’d really be screwed for the exams. But it only said increased symptoms between doses, so that meant there was still hope. Should he risk it? What a choice.
Sitting on his bed that evening Matt contemplated the pill bottle. The last few hours had been shit. He gave up on hanging out with his friends on campus because he kept tuning out in mid-conversation when they were talking, then jumping in to finish their sentences to get to the point, so he could talk. He knew it was rude, it was annoying as hell, and he couldn’t stop doing it. He had to leave before he lost his friends.
He’d tried just going home and watching a movie to unwind, to calm down. It turned out to be torturous to try to sit through a movie, made him even more wound up until he gave it up halfway through.
It was obvious the symptoms were not lessening. There was only two paths from here. Accept likely failure this term and hope the side effects went away with time, or double down, pass this semester and use the term break to detox.
Matt popped two more pills, glad the decision was made. Half an hour later he felt the twitchy sensation subside, his thoughts calm down, focus returning. But there was no euphoria, no super-focus. He just felt normal again, like he’d never taken the pills. And that just wouldn’t do. Matt popped two more.
His body soon felt warm and wonderful.The time slowed down and his brain was once again a sponge. This time eight hours passed in a flash as Matt studied like never before. It was amazing. And then came the crash. It hit harder and faster than last time. A wave of sleepiness from out of nowhere and Matt basically slumped back on his bed and passed out, pen still in his hand.
Matt awoke to two very strange sensations. One was cool, clammy wetness in his bed, the other was that something was in his mouth. Opening his bleary eyes Matt looked cross-eyed down at the thumb jammed between his lips. What was that doing there? And why was he still suckling on it? He knew that he shouldn’t be, that only babies sucked their thumbs, and yet, it made him feel better, made him feel safe.
He sat up in bed, thumb still in his mouth, looking down at his shorts, stained dark all around the crotch, his notebook, left lying on the bed next to him, now also soggy, the ink runny.
Matt frowned around his thumb and suckled harder as he grew nervous. Something was very wrong. He knew that. But he couldn’t exactly explain it, even in his own head. He’d done tinkles, that was clear. And babies made tinkles in the bed. But he wasn’t a baby, was he? No, he was clearly much too big and old. He was… he was…. Matt sobbed quietly as he found he couldn’t recall his age.
Matt tried to think of other numbers. He looked down at his free hand and thought, one, two, three, four and five. He couldn’t take out his thumb, he needed it more than ever. So he looked down at his toes instead, wiggling free on his feeties. He counted them: six, seven, eight, nine, ten…. What came after ten? Matt’s stomach flip-flopped as he drew a blank.
He got up out of the bed, trying to sort out what he needed to do. In his fuzzy head one thought won out. He had to go to class. Yes, he went to school. He was a big school boy. But he needed to change first. He couldn’t go in icky wet shorts and undies like a baby.
Matt opened his closet, expecting to find a school uniform. But there wasn’t one. He frowned around his thumb again. He wanted a big boy uniform! He wanted to stamp his feet, he was so angry. But that was a baby thing to do. He peeled off his icky wet clothes instead. He was good at getting undressed. He wanted to go show someone, show how good he was at taking his clothes off.
Matt charged buck naked out into the kitchen and living area their bedrooms adjoined, his pee-pee jiggling about nice and free. But Josh wasn’t home to see. That was okay, he’d tell him later. Now he had to get dressed.
His clothes were all so boring, but he had no choice. Matt put on a simple t-shirt, some plain undies and board shorts. He packed some books into his school bag and put in on too. He smiled with pride. He felt so big with his bag on, going to school. It was like Elmo in the book Mummy used to read him when he was just little.
He stopped at the door to put his sneakers on. But which one went on which foot? He tried one and it was very uncomfortable, very ouchy. He tried it on the other and it fit. Why hadn’t he realised that? Shoes were confusing. But there was only one left now. That fit his other foot just fine. And out the door he went.
It wasn’t usually a long walk to school, but today was different. There were big trucks driving by on the road and Matt stopped to wave at them all. Then he noticed a beetle on the footpath and he dropped down to his knees to study it, to poke at it. That was funny!
But not everything on the walk was fun. His shoes were very uncomfortable because he’d forgot to put socks on with them. Then he tripped on the untied laces and got a boo-boo on his hand from landing on the footpath. Even though he was a big boy Matt couldn’t help but cry. It really hurt! And there was a little blood and Mummy wasn’t here to kiss it better!
Other grown-ups just walked past him while he cried, avoiding eye-contact. He tried to show one nice looking lady his boo-boo, held his hand up and told her, “Id huwts!” But she just passed him by, walking faster.
Finally he dried his tears and yanked off his stupid shoes, throwing them away into the bushes. He hated the dumb shoes for making his hand ouchy. Then he was back on his way and feeling much more comfy. The footpath was actually nice under his bare feet now and he even started to skip and run a bit, forgetting all about his boo-boo.
But then he reached another obstacle. He needed to cross the street. Matt’s heart-rate ticked upwards and he began to suck on his thumb again to calm himself. He just knew he wasn’t meant to cross the street all by himself. That was dangerous, and naughty.
He stood at the crossing, watching the green man blink on and grown-ups cross both ways. But he didn’t budge. He couldn’t, it was too scary with all the vroom-vroom cars zooming about. He started to tear up and sniffle again. All was lost, he’d never get to school. He was too little after all.
A warm hand touched him lightly on the arm and he looked over to see a concerned looking woman with dark black hair.
“Are you okay dear? Are you lost?” she asked, noting his thumb-sucking, his glassy eyes and bare feet.
He shook his head. “Not wost. Can’t cwoss da woad,” he explained. Why was it so hard? His tongue felt all heavy.
“Why not?” she asked kindly.
“Need a gwown-up to cwoss,” he told her.
She smiled now. “Well, would you like my help?” she offered, reaching out her open hand.
Matt felt instant relief, taking her hand and nodding. When the green man flashed again Matt let the lady guide him across the street with the other big people. On the other side he even remembered to say, “Tank you!”
“No problem sweetie,” she assured him. “But where are you going now? Do you know?”
“Uh-huh! Bambawy Hawll,” he announced.
“Bramburry Hall,” she translated. “And you know the way?”
“Okay, but be careful you don’t hurt your feet. There’s a lot of glass around,” she warned.
Matt nodded seriously. “I will. Shoes was ouchy,” he explained.
She smiled. “I understand, my little brother is the same way, walks barefoot to school every morning. Just watch where you walk.”
Matt nodded and hurried on, careful to follow her advise. He didn’t get any more boo-boos and made it to the lecture only a little bit later than yesterday.
Once there though he wasn’t sure what to do. The professor was writing stuff on the board and Matt didn’t understand any of it. None of the symbols even made sense to him. He pulled out the text book he’d brought, opening it up to a random page like the other students seemed to have done. He got out a pen, gripped in his fist and, feeling bored, began scribbling drawings in the book, swinging his legs back and forth so the carpet brushed his bare soles.
He didn’t even notice when the class ended, he was too busy drawing and once again sucking his thumb.
Matt looked up from his scribbles to see the professor looking down at him with deep concern. Was he in trouble? Matt felt instantly worried, but nodded in answer to the question.
“Are you feeling okay mate?” the older man asked.
Matt sucked harder on his thumb, squirming. “I dwawed dat,” he answered, pointing to the wild scribbles all over the text book page.
The campus health clinic was busy and Matt had been left alone since the professor man brought him here. The lady behind the big desk gave him a lolly and some paper and crayons and he sat on the floor in the corner of the big waiting room scribbling and then playing with some of the toys they had in a big box. There weren’t too many, really they were just there to entertain the little children of some of the older students while they waited. But it was better than nothing.
Finally a hand on Matt’s shoulder got his attention and he looked up to see Josh was there, smiling down at him. “Hey mate, you feeling a bit silly now, eh?” he asked.
Matt blinked in confusion, then held up the toy truck he was playing with. “They got twucks,” he explained simply.
“That’s nice,” Josh replied, smiling. “How about we get you home now?”
That sounded really good. “Uh-huh! I hungwy,” he complained, rubbing his tummy. He’d totally forgotten to eat anything that morning.
“Well, we’ll fix that, don’t you worry,” Josh assured.
They got up and Matt was glad to have Josh take his hand, take charge. It felt so much better to know a grown-up was in charge.
“I’m sorry, but you can’t be leaving with him yet, the doctor hasn’t seen him,” the nurse at the desk warned as they began to leave.
“Oh, so sorry to bother you like this. Matt’s pledging Kappa Alpha Theta and they made him do this stupid stunt. But obviously it’s gone too far and we’ve wasted enough of your time,” Josh explained.
Matt didn’t understand a word of it, and he didn’t like the cross look the nurse got either, so he sucked harder on his thumb and looked at his toes.
“Ugh, fine, get him out of here then. I’ve had all I can take of these stupid hazing rituals.”
Once they’d left the clinic Josh muttered, “That was easier than I expected.”
“What’s hazing?” Matt asked.
“Nothing you need to worry about buddy,” Josh assured. “So what happened to your shoes?”
“Threw ‘em away. They was stupid,” Matt explained.
Josh laughed. “Okay, nothing wrong with a barefoot little boy I guess.”
“I’m a big boy!” Matt insisted.
“Course you are dude, I didn’t mean to call you little,” Josh apologised.
Matt smiled with vindication, letting the man lead him back across campus by the hand.
Back at home Josh went to work preparing some dinner. Matt was glad, he was very hungry. But in the meantime he went to play more in his room. He didn’t have many toys though. Why not? Why so much boring adult stuff? He looked at a photo of him on the wall, of him on holiday in Europe, on his own, all grown up.
And it hit him that he was a grown-up, same as Josh. In fact he was supposed to be smarter than Josh wasn’t he? Yeah, Josh was all hyper and struggled in school. Matt was a smart kid, he got good grades when he actually studied. So why was he walking around barefoot and sucking his thumb and letting Josh be in charge? He was acting dumb!
Matt noticed the pill bottle on the desk. Those were the smart pills. They made him extra super smart. He needed to take more so he could be smart again! He took the bottle and tapped out a handful of pills. How many? He didn’t want to count. That was too tricky. He swallowed them.
“Dinner’s ready Matty!” Josh called, placing a bowl of pasta on the small table.
Matt emerged from the bedroom, looking upset, looking focused and determined. His eyes weren’t glassy anymore, his demeanour was not meek.
“What the hell are those pills doing to me?!” he snapped in perfect diction.
Josh stepped back. “Sorry mate, but I told you to read the warnings.”
“I looked at the side effects list,” Matt snapped.
“You obviously just read the common ones, if you’d read it all you’d have seen that it has very different effects on people who don’t actually have ADHD. Your brain is different and the effects of this medication are somewhat more extreme and long-lasting for you.”
Matt paused, his stomach sinking. “Long-lasting?” he asked.
Josh nodded. “It’s making permanent changes to your brain structure. The higher the dosage, the bigger the changes. I did tell you not to go over 20 mg. I don’t think you listened to me then either did you?”
Josh chuckled. “And I’m the one with the attention deficit. At least I know to listen when someone warns me about dosages of a powerful drug.”
“So how do we reverse it?” Matt demanded.
Josh shook his head. “How much did you just take? It had to be a lot to make you this lucid again.”
Matt looked even more worried. “I honestly don’t know.”
“Well in that case I think what you should do right now is write down any last directions you want to make for your care, and messages to your family.”
“For my care?!” Matt snapped.
Josh nodded. “Yep, you’re going to need round the clock supervision from now on buddy.”
Matt shook his head. “I just need to keep taking the meds, they’re still making me normal while on it.”
“You’re already over the maximum dosage buddy, next time the dose needed to bring you back could kill you. I’m afraid I’ll have to get rid of those pills after you drop back to baby land. Don’t worry though, you won’t even know they’re gone.”
Matt was beyond terrified. He didn’t even feel high or anything, just normal. And the prospect of losing all of that, losing all his education and intelligence, scared him to death. It was such a high price to pay for trying to take a little short cut.
“Shouldn’t we go to the hospital?” he asked.
Josh shook his head. “And tell them what? I didn’t notice you stealing my pills over several days? Sorry but I’m not getting expelled and dragged into court over this.”
“Fuck that, this is my brain at stake!”
“It’s already a bit late for that buddy. You don’t want to transition back to babyhood in a big scary hospital, getting poked and prodded with needles. Better to just let it happen here. I’ll make sure you’re comfy.”
Matt was ready to tell Josh to get screwed, he was going to the hospital on his own. But a wave of dizziness and fatigue hit him all at once. He shook his head, swooning.
“No, it can’t be. I just took them,” he said, slurring his words.
“The positive effects get shorter over a certain dosage, and obviously you’ve crossed that line,” Josh explained.
Matt tried to fight it, he tried with all his might. But he ended up collapsing into Josh’s waiting arms, the last thing he felt as the world faded away was his room-mate patting his head softly, whispering that it would all be okay.
Matty woke up in the morning, lying on the floor of the living room. There was something in his mouth, something rubber. He suckled on it, mmmm, it was soothing. He looked down at the nice soft onesie he was dressed in. He had no memory of being dressed in it, but it sure did feel good. And underneath it was something extra soft and fluffy around his pee-pee and bum. It made silly noises as he squirmed.
“Looks like someone is awake,” Josh cooed, walking into the room and grinning down at Matty. “You like your new outfit buddy? I figured a diaper was a good idea after I saw the state of your bed yesterday.”
Matty didn’t understand a word of what Josh said, but he liked the gentle, happy tone. It made him smile around his binkie. He made happy noises and wriggled on his back.
“Yes you are a happy little baby aren’t you?” Josh cooed. “I don’t think you need to be worrying about smart pills anymore.”
Matty blew a raspberry around his binkie, spittle dribbling down his cheeks, then grabbed at his toes, pulling at them with curiosity.
“That’s right, play with those tootsies Matty. Play toesies like the silly widdle baby boy you are. I’m sure your Mummy and Daddy will find it just adorable when I bring them over to see you in couple days. I think they’ll completely accept that you’ve had an irreversible breakdown when they see what a silly little toe muncher you’ve become, don’t you?”
Josh chided Matty, leaning down and plucking out his big binkie. Matty gaped slack-jawed up at the man who had helped wipe away his brain, then pulled his feet right to his face and jammed several toes in his mouth, slurping loudly away at them and drooling all over while Josh stroked his hair and nodded in approval.
(Edit: Just thought I should add that I don’t mean for the characters’ views of ADHD people to be insulting. I have ADHD myself and based Matt’s views off of my own experience of how some people see it and how some people try to buy prescription drugs off those with a diagnosis.)
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