Isnât it weird how things change?
A year and a half ago I wrote my last post professing my ongoing love for my ex. Now i look back on it and think why did I love him so much? I deserved much better. Do I still love him? Definitely not.
In the last year and a half, I met someone... someone that I considered as one of my bestfriends. One guy, I thought Iâd have there for me. Someone I wouldâve gone to crying with all my problems now. What went wrong? Well we never set boundaries. What started as friends with benefits become somewhat more. I became confused and he never provided clarity. We both saw people throughout our friendship which I guess made things more complicated. Why? Because every guy I saw never gave me the same level of comfort that he did. Every guy I saw, I compared to with him and I never could comprehend why I kept getting drawn back into him. My head and my heart were telling me two different things.
What was the hardest though? Being cut off because he couldnât take it.. learning he was with someone the whole time. I was lied to. Why try to maintain a friendship if you have underlying factors against it? Was any part of the friendship real? I donât know.
Yes I did some wrong on my part. When he cut me off, I ended up matching with his brother on tinder and we started talking. I tried to confront the brother and he just said he was his cousin I knew and not his brother. I continued and so did he even though deep down I knew it was probably his brother. We did get along well nevertheless and I always did have some kind of attraction to him.
He called me confronting me with this fact and sound hurt but he made the decision to cut me off. We werenât anything. We were friends who had fun. I caught feelings and he didnât and couldnât acknowledge it. I deserved to move on. What I didnât deserve was to learn our friendship was built on some open relationship with some girl calling shots. What I didnât deserve was my best friend telling me he had tried to hit on her. I took his word and it came to bite me in the ass because I learnt of his true actions myself on the day he cut me.
When he cut me off, the first 2 days were hard but if iâm honest it was nothing like my break up. I forgot about him after with ease which not only surprised my friends but also me because I guess I didnât really have feelings for him. He was a best friend and I was confused. I guess i just enjoyed being with him but not in a romantic way. I said from day one I couldnât see a future with him but I let the little things get in the way. It was lust and I enjoyed the feeling of having someone there.
Post break - everything was good, life was good..until he decided to message me a month later. I cut him based on his actions. Why come back? He made the decision to cut me first and I accepted it. Now I just think back what sick game are you both at. Lying to me saying nobody knew about me.. well thatâs not what the messages I received revealed. Itâs not what my icloud showed with my call logs.. he was the only one who knew my password from netflix and had I known he was in some open relationship previously he would have not gotten it because it obviously someone close to him has done something. Itâs on me though and Iâm glad iâve changed my number now as a result.
A part of me wishes he had stayed away. If time travel was a thing, I would have never met him. I wouldnât have allowed him to stay in my life for such a long time.
Unfortunately it canât be changed and oddly enough I donât know why but I still have a soft spot for him. Crazy right? Itâs not like my ex whom I now wish to never see again, but I guess heâs just someone I never received clarity on. I now know i never fell for him and the feelings were lust... and I just miss the company but its weird because I still donât hate him for what he did. I wish him the best and iâm glad heâs been in an open relationship but I just wish he were honest from the start.
Reflecting back on the memories, I regret nothing. He was someone I had hoped to keep in my life but the world works in mysterious ways. I know I had him in my life for a reason but I havenât yet worked out what that reason is..I donât think heâs a bad person  and I donât hate him but I do think he has made a lot of mistakes and has personal issues that need to be dealt with. Whether or not down the track weâll cross paths again, I donât know. What my reaction will be, I donât know.
Even post-break, Iâve had multiple men come into my life yet only with one have I found that same feeling of comfort that I did with him. This guy had just had 2 months earlier had his engagement broken off (yes - i know.. why nat?) but oddly enough we were open and spoke about everything and anything.. he even showed me the ring he bought for his ex-fiance. It wasnât weird, we clicked. We both know it isnât going anywhere and I guess we just appreciate the comfort we find in each other. Maybe itâs understanding the heartbreak I got from my ex and his current situation. I donât know. Life is weird.
2020 so far hasnât been great for me at all and Iâm hating it but Iâll have to push through and find myself again....
