Love for Marley

In search of a space where people can come to heal

[nataliestoneblog]

Tuesday marked the two year anniversary of Marley’s accident. I suppose fortunately for me Tuesday is my busiest day of the week, I'm in Auckland with six yoga classes pretty much back to back. The day went quickly with lots of heartfelt messages, cards and even gifts and I spent the evening in a meditation group surrounded by beautiful, warm and loving people. Yes I broke down a couple of times during the day when reading messages etc but for me the day was ok. A lot of love was sent our way and I definitely felt it so thank you. For me the really tough days are Christmas, his birthday and Mothers Day. I think the anniversary is probably the toughest time for Bill though. We did not make Ella aware of it this year as its not really a day to celebrate as such and thought it best that I went to work like I normally do. She knew though, the next day when I came back and picked her up from school her teacher said ‘Ella has not been her usual bubbly self, I asked her several times if she was ok or if she felt unwell and needed to go home, she said she felt OK but I was a little concerned, definitely not 100% maybe she's coming down with something?’..

We have decided to try and become a lot more self sufficient so Bill had actually planned to turn the old pig pen into a chicken coup. My next little project (what's she up to now I hear you say) is to rescue battery hens. Chickens have a rest from laying each year but egg farmers don't want to feed them when they are not laying so they get killed. We have the space for them and can help to stop this happening so I will be rescuing them, nursing them back to health with reiki, they will have all the space they desire and will be fed only from our land and organic food scraps. Then we will sell the reiki filled, nutrient dense organic eggs that have not been contaminated with all the crap that's in bought chicken feed to help fund our other projects. More on why pasture fed chicken eggs are sooo much better for you than anything else another time. So yes Bill had planned to take a break from the house and do the coup when our lovely neighbour turned up with three trailer loads of lime for our driveway. We had asked for some from their quarry as our drive was turning to mud and not coincidentally as there is no such thing as a coincidence I'm afraid to say it is planned that way, the lime turned up and needed to be laid as rain was on the way. So Bill spent Tuesday doing a driveway. This time last year Bill was helping a friend with a building job, it was an inside job with no mention of a driveway and then low and behold the owner of the house decides he wants a driveway, the task got passed over to Bill and there he was working away in the rain and mud like he was the year before making a driveway. I think this is Marley somehow trying to help Bill deal with what happened, sounds strange I know but like I said it's not a coincidence.

It was a sad day but it's a day like all the others really, they are sad but we strive forward. One things for sure I definitely felt better than what I did this time two years ago. Why did I feel ok and why do I feel ok most days well because I still feel Marley very close to me, yes he's not here in the physical but he is here, the important part, his soul, his spirit.

It's a sad time of year not just for us but for some of our dear friends also and now unfortunately after this year even more will share this time where yet another year passes since the loss of a loved one. A few weeks ago a friend of mine lost her 18 year old daughter. I remember the day like it was yesterday that Claire told me she was pregnant. Unfortunately when Tamika was born she had three holes in her heart along with countless other medical conditions, 18 years later after many, many operations her heart could not continue any more and the poor darling died on the operating table minutes before going under anaesthetic for yet another operation that she needed after contracting an infection in her heart. A couple of days later another friend died of cancer leaving three beautiful young girls behind and yesterday in the area where I live there was a car crash and two teenagers and their Mum died whilst other members of the family were in the car with them. It happens unfortunately all the time, loved ones are taken to soon and every time I hear this news it breaks my heart to know how those left behind are feeling. So although we are still a long time away from completing our house it's time to push forward with the retreat. We have the most important part, the land and what we can offer is so very needed. A combination of these tragedies has given me a huge kick up the arse and very soon we are going to start fundraising. We will have a working bee in the summer and get at least one type of accommodation up and running so the next time we hear sad news we can do more than just ‘know’ how another family are feeling. Watch this space guys we are going to need your help very soon so that we can help others.

[nataliestoneblog]

Living with the land

We took over ownership or as I like to think became the legal guardians of the land in September. Bill spent three months up here by himself trying to make it a bit more liveable for us and Ella and I moved up the day after Boxing Day. I probably should have wrote a blog during our first three months as I have either forgotten what it was like or am so used to it now that how we are living seems normal but let's just say it has not always been that easy. The property is incredible but boy it was and still is in need of a lot of love. The cottage that we will one day live in is 160 years old and probably one of the oldest in New Zealand. Most people would have pulled it down and started a fresh but we love old buildings and it has so much history plus we are on a very small budget and are therefore restoring it. We have done several crazy projects in the past where our family and friends have looked at us and thought we were nuts but this one tops them all. We do like a challenge though and as with the others it will definitely be worth it.

We lived in a tent for the first three months and Bill was in there for even longer. At first the cottage in my eyes was unliveable and I would only enter in gumboots. In the beginning I would rather sit outside nearly getting blown away to drink my cup of tea than sit inside but now the majority of the time I will be in there in bare feet so things are definitely improving. When Bill first arrived he turned on the taps and out came brown, stinky, sludgy water. What a luxury it was when we finally had clean hot water! Even now the bathroom is pretty disgusting and recently when we were at the beach for my birthday Ella ended up with seaweed throughout her hair. Luckily there was a shower at the beach (outside and cold water) but Ella spent ages in there saying ‘this shower is so nice, it's so much nicer than our one at home, I want to stay in it forever!’ and I could see her point bless her. There was even a time when we we're digging holes in the garden to go to the toilet..

Bill spent the summer converting the double garage into a space for us to live whilst we rebuild the rest of the house and I spent the summer clearing the land around the cottage trying to make it as tidy a possible to help with our outdoor living arrangements!. My Mum and Nan were avid gardeners but it was definitely something that I thought was not in my genes. The most work I had ever done in a garden was hang the washing out but it needed doing so I got stuck in. It saddens me to see how this land has been treated previously, the amount of rubbish that I have pulled out of the ground is astounding. Everywhere was waist high with thistles and weeds when we first arrived but with a lot of hard work and many fires I have slowly cleared the immediate area and we now have something that kind of resembles a garden. What Bill has done with the garage is incredible. We have kept the original beams which were covered in about 8 inches or birds poo and painstakingly cleaned them and sanded them back. We have also kept the concrete floor, cracks and all and after many, many hours and quite a few tears (all mine of course because it didn't turn out the first time how I wanted it to) we have created a floor that you probably would not find anywhere else. Everything else has been rebuilt and we have lovingly restored and re-used the original kauri timber where possible. Time consuming to say the least but it no longer looks like a garage that's for sure and it will be super warm in the winter because I was the one that put the insulation in! Thank fully we are now out of the tent (which went on one of the fires as it went mouldy and started to rip due to the amount if time it had been up) and we are now living in the garage which we call the cottage. One of the rooms is a lounge and the other a bedroom and once the main cottage is finished they will be joined together and we will have a pretty nice ‘house’.

It's amazing to be living in the ‘cottage’ and it felt pretty good putting the tent on the fire because I was oooover it but living the way we did over the summer sure put things into perspective. At times we had no water, toilet, power, internet or phone. We were stripped of everything, miles from anywhere and literally living with the land. We woke up when the sun did and went to bed when the sun did and lived each day based on what the weather was like. Being outside and working on the land was hard for me but it also felt so good, good for my soul. The whole experience was like a form of meditation, having nothing but one another and nature and wow what a lot is actually happening in nature when you stop and look at it. We are definitely in the right place. Although there has been a lot of sweat, some tears (all mine, like once every couple of weeks when it all gets to much and I think what the hell are we doing this is insane!)…and a bit of blood. The land is magical and so very healing. The amount of wildlife here is incredible, the trees, the water, the sensational sunsets and the stars on a clear night (holy moly).

The retreat is a fair few years away unfortunately. She's a big job, much bigger than we expected but it's all part of it. Patience was definitely something I needed to work on and slowly I think I'm getting there. Bill has been out of action for several weeks with possibly a fair amount more to come due to his back and other parts of his body telling him to stop and recover. Thank fully he realises now that it's as much emotionally that he needs to recover from what happened with Marley as it is physically. Everything is as it should be now and there is a very bright future ahead. This place will heal thousands at the right time and for now I remain patient and always truly grateful.

[nataliestoneblog]

Silent Retreat

Two weeks ago I went on a three day silent retreat. They suggested we keep our stories to ourselves to keep the energy sacred and I honour that totally but I also felt it necessary to share mine. I was truly amazed at the power of meditation and if it helped me then it can help others and as with all that I do on my journey if I can help one person then it's all worthwhile. As some of you are aware my husband recently completed a ten day silent retreat at Vipassana. I was not willing to leave Ella for that long but had been told by Deb on three different occasions that she saw me in silence/on my own/praying/meditating/at Vipassana so I started researching to do one for a shorter period of time. I found one in the Coromandel which also included yoga and pranayama (a type of yogic breathing). This sounded perfect for me as I love yoga, really wanted to try pranayama and you are only supposed to do it under guidance and had very little experience of meditating so certainly did not fancy doing it for ten hours a day at Vipassana. So I booked myself in and was really excited about it. The week leading up to it I started freaking out about leaving Ella. The week before I had done my kids yoga teacher training which had been a three day course but I had been coming home at night although very late. She knew I was doing the silent retreat but thought I would also be coming home at night. The day before when I was packing she asked me why and when I told her it was for the retreat she realised I was staying there also at night. She was really upset which made me even more anxious and I very nearly cancelled. Bill managed to persuade her she would be ok and that they were going to have loads of fun and and she kind of came round to the idea so it was back on. I drove the three hour journey in tears most of the way. It's in a beautiful setting pretty much on the beach. As I am driving down the dirt track a 4x4 came the other way and asked me where I was going, I told him and he asked me if I was aware of the tsunami on the way. I thought he was joking but he was not and said we may be evacuated in the night! For some reason I have a, dare I say it a 'fear' of tsunami's, I'm not sure why but I 'do'. So I arrived asked about it and they all seemed pretty chilled so I tried not to think about it again. We had a few hours of getting to know one another and then the opening circle. During the opening circle I discovered that pretty much everyone else in the group were hard out meditators with a daily practice, one guy meditated for at least three hours a day and had done so for the past forty years! Oh no, I thought they were going to be all like me, I thought the hardcore people went to Vipassana! Before this retreat I had meditated a handful of times, not even that really. I did a mindfulness course which consisted of lovely guided meditations where you imagine yourself on beautiful sandy beaches with crystal clear blue water and you were encouraged to lie down throughout it but it only lasted a few weeks and was nothing to prepare me for what was coming. During the opening circle we were informed about how the next three days were going to run and what we may experience and that some of it may be unpleasant. I left feeling pretty scared to be honest and very apprehensive of the next few days. We went to bed shortly after as had a very early start the next day. Then I totally lost it. I did not sleep for most of the night and was struggling to breath. I was having panic attacks, being away from Ella, worrying about the frickin tsunami and the thoughts about what may happen and what may be brought out during the meditation was all to much for me to bear. I was trying to do reiki on myself - nothing, I was trying to do deep breathing - nothing, I was trying to visualise things and use other techniques that I know - nadda! Eventually I must have drifted off but was awoken not that much later. I got up and the day always started with yoga and then pranayama. Then we had breakfast, all of the food was amazing, all vegetarian perfect and someone else was doing the cooking for a change! Before the meditation started I had a little free time so I went down to the beach and breathed. That was all I wanted to do the night before in my bed, breathe, breathe, breathe the sea air so I did, I felt good and I was ready for it. I can do this I thought, no sweat, this is me, I am supposed to be here! The morning meditation consists of sitting for three hours. Every fifty minutes you get up and walk around very slowly in walking meditation then you sit down again. I had got Bill to make me a meditation stool as I knew that the sitting was very physically painful and you were not allowed to lie down and I had taken a bolster (yoga 'cushion') and lots of blankets. For the first fifty minutes you imagine the breathe going up the left nostril to your third eye (pineal gland, space in between your eyebrows), out down the right nostril, up the right nostril to the third eye, down out the left nostril then up both nostrils to the third eye and down both nostrils. This is one round. You are to focus on this breath movement for fifty minutes. In the opening circle the night before it was mentioned that if you could do this three times then that was excellent as its so hard to do this for that long without thoughts coming in. I started the practice but very soon afterwards I again started feeling very anxious and was struggling to breath. I had to leave the practice and try and think of anything else to calm myself down and to stop hyperventilating and feeling claustrophobic. After fifty minutes (which felt like forever) we went outside for the walking meditation. I managed to sort myself out and prepare myself for the next stage. Again we were seated and the second practice started, this time imagining the breath going up to the third eye and down again, going up to the third eye and down again. Thankfully I was able to breathe this time and actually do the practice for short periods, then the physical pain started, OMG. By the time the third session was over I was in agony, so much stress and tension in my shoulders and neck it was incredible. You then have lunch, do karma yoga (doing a selfless act such as gardening) and then more yoga, pranayama and yippee more meditation! It was slightly different in the afternoon focusing on the heart centre and with that brought a lot of physical pain around my chest, so much so that again, you've guessed it I could not breath. After that I was over it. What on earth was I doing here and what is the point of meditation!!!!! I thought it was supposed to make you feel good, this is horrible!! Yoga makes me feel amazing, reiki makes me feel amazing, I don't need to do this, I have other things that I do! I'm away from my girl for this! These were just some of the thoughts going through my head. After dinner though was a Satsung a chance to ask questions if we needed to the Swami and also Kirtan which is chanting and helps to release emotions. I definitely felt lighter after the Kirtan and was very happy to get into bed and have a good nights sleep. The next day was much better, I had mostly good experiences in the meditation practice and was actually 'meditating' at times which was amazing. I was still in a lot of pain but at times I could breathe golden light into the pain and it would disappear. Crazy I know. It was pretty hard to get to this stage though and would not always last for long. The final day was better again and so was the meditating. I still did not really get it though. It takes so much time and your in so much pain to get this little glimmer, I would much rather be doing other things to feel 'good'. I did not really get it until I left the retreat and in the days to come afterwards. I raised my question to Bill who does meditate a lot and I told him of my painful experiences with my physical body and said I would much rather be doing reiki or yoga. Why spend all of this time for a small amount of ecstasy?.. His answer was one that impressed me and he said imagine a person that is carrying a lot of extra body weight so much so that it hurts them to bend down or walk upstairs. They go on a boot camp to loose some weight, its so intense that it's very unpleasant for them and physically painful. Well you have been carrying around emotional weight on your heart from your Dad not being around, loosing your Mum as a teenager, a string of horrible boyfriends and then loosing Marley. Then your in an intense situation where you are working at releasing it whether you like it or not and its going to be painful. He was so true and I have noticed a difference. I now have a daily practice and I totally understand and appreciate how worthwhile meditation is. I feel still inside and don't react to situations as I may have done previously. I know some of you must be reading this thinking it sounded awful and you would never consider it and it was at times but it was oh so worth it. I value meditation and what it can bring to a person so highly now. It's something that anyone can do at home and what it can help you with is incredible. I have left writing this blog for a few weeks to see if my inner calmness would continue and if I still felt the same about meditating and I do and I recommend it to you all. You don't have to go on the retreat but if you can it would be very worthwhile but if this blog just opens you up to meditating at home then trust me it will bring so many benefits with it into your life. There is a huge amount of information around about meditation and classes. It's so worthwhile people, I will never be without it now.

[nataliestoneblog]

We have finally found it!

So yesterday was an amazing day for two incredible reasons. Not only did I become a Reiki Teacher but we also became the proud new owners or should I say guardians of some very special land. Yes we have finally found our retreat space. After over a year of literally travelling around the World looking for that special place we have found it. Words cant really explain how happy I am that we will soon have a place to call home again and be able to start truly helping others. Opening up this retreat is most definitely what I am here to do in this lifetime even though several times this year it seemed almost impossible to find what we were looking for and the thought of giving up certainly crossed my mind. I was told very recently whilst balling my eyes out that I have not been through all of this shit in my life to give up and live in a house working 9-5. It was what I needed to keep looking that extra bit longer and thank goodness we did. I can't imagine doing anything else than what we are about to do but it's definitely been testing. We have looked at soooo many properties and travelled a ridiculous amount of miles and kilometres through lots of different countries. I have been consumed by real estate websites and now feel like throwing my iPad in the bin! It's still sinking in and I am so very grateful. So where is it I hear you ask. We have been guided to find 70 beautiful acres on the Kaipara Harbour about an hour North of Auckland. It is simply stunning with two lakes, acres and acres of pine trees and native forest and has its own private beach and island! She is in need of a lot of love and time dedicated to bring her back to her former glory but as some of you know we like a challenge! The possibilities are endless though and the land will be life changing for many people I'm sure. It's what we have been searching for, sacred land that will heal through nature. We made an offer on the spot and it was signed and sealed days later. It will be a while before Ella and I move in. The house is very old and needs a lot of restoration but is beautiful. Bill will do it up and I'm hoping we will be there by Christmas. Then there is the little job of tending to the 70 acres and building the retreat but it will most definitely be worth it. Just like the lotus flower so to will this magical land be reborn and rise from its muddy waters to bloom.

[nataliestoneblog]

A year on...

Well it's over a year, nearly 13 months actually and I have wanted to write earlier but somehow the time has just ticked on. A year, wow, really? Still feels like yesterday. However...when I look back at how I have changed in the last year it's hard to imagine that so many things could have happened in such a short space of time. As some of you may have seen from the pictures we went away for the anniversary. I actually felt ok leading up to it and was really looking at it as another day. Those that follow my facebook page especially will know that I am dealing with what happened to Marley in a very spiritual way. Although he is not here in the physical at present I still have a relationship with him on a daily basis and he is very much still a part of our family. I thought Mothers Day was going to be my biggest hurdle of the year but boy was I wrong. A combination of drinking alcohol (which I don't do at all now), a year since Marley passed and a few other things sent me pretty much spiralling out of control on June 7th and the week following. A year of holding it all together I suppose and it needed releasing. I cried and cried so much that I was emotional drained and yes I now know that it's not just a saying, along with a broken heart, they can really happen! I spent the following week pretty much asleep and missed an entire week of yoga. For me now that's pretty rare and I never sleep in the day. So that delayed this entry for the first week and when I finally got my self together it was time to put the amazing gift that I have recently been given to good use. Amazing Reiki - wow. I cannot believe the experiences people are having and the comments they give after they have a Reiki treatment with me. I'm going to get told off for this but I don't think of myself as a 'healer'. I didn't decide to learn Reiki so I could call myself that or even to heal people I just wanted to help people and initially just myself and my family. I may have mentioned this before but I think it was the first or second time I saw Deb she told me I was going to be a Reiki Teacher! I laughed and said 'I cant do what you do!' and she laughed and said 'that's what I said when I was told the same thing'. I honestly left feeling she's missed the mark on that one, there's no way I can do that. Here I am a year later a Reiki Master and the next and final stage is to become a Teacher and I actually can't wait to do it. The reason being is that I don't necessarily want to teach adults although I will if they wish but what I really want to do is teach children. Reiki is such a wonderful tool to have that can literally heal or help to heal every known emotional, physical, mental or spiritual 'condition'. How wonderful for our children to heal themselves or friends when they fall over and hurt themselves or when they are feeling unwell instead of taking medicine. You could not ask for a better gift! So hopefully soon I will become a Teacher and with the help of my friend we are going to set up 'Rainbow Reiki' and start spreading the Reiki love. My ultimate goal is for it to be part of the curriculum - imagine that! That and meditation oh and yoga of course, World Peace would totally be achievable then! So along with being given the opportunity to help some amazing people recently, all with different stories we also thought we had found our retreat space. As soon as we arrived I started crying. It is an amazing space located in one of the most spiritual places in New Zealand but pretty isolated and we have decided it's not the best place for Ella to grow up. So the search continues and we hope that it's just around the corner. So as you can see time has been ticking on and I'm writing this a month later. That's the thing though, time does tick on and there is definitely nothing we can do about that. I remember after my Mum died someone told me 'time is a great healer'. To be honest 'time' was the only healer that I had after loosing my Mum and although at the time of hearing it I thought yeh right, whatever, but it actually was. This time with Marley it's different though. Not necessarily because I'm older but thankfully and thankfully to Marley I see things the way they truly are now. Since Marley died my whole life has changed. Yes my everyday life but my whole life, my views and opinions, my perceptions and I have changed. He has woken me up to what is actually happening. I know for some of my followers the articles I post on facebook may seem strange and to some of my long term friends it probably seems as if I have lost my mind. For those that do know me and see me I hope you will vouch for me and can see that I am not so stricken by grief that I am not thinking clearly. Of course I miss my baby boy more than what is imaginable for most but I am grateful and thank him on a daily basis for all that he is teaching, helping and guiding me with and helping and guiding others. If it was possible I would do anything to change what happened but I know it was supposed to happen and for the greater good and although as we knew him he was just a little boy, now he is something so great and is helping miracles to happen every day. He is helping Bill and I in the work that we want to do and through him I know we will help thousands of people. I am just a an everyday person. I don't have any 'special powers' but when Marley died I woke up to who I really am, what I am supposed to be doing and why I am here. I will talk more about the work I will be doing and what I hope to teach people another time as I have been prattling on for ages but in all honesty I'm astounded at what has happened over the last year and what I have experienced and learned and the knowledge I now have. I barely knew what a crystal was and now I have hmm a lot and use them to heal people. I'm a Reiki Master and am helping heal people with Cancer, something I could never have imagined even possible when my Mum died from it and I have discovered my reason for being. I owe all of this to Marley and for the time being he is where he needs to be and we are where we need to be but we are all working towards the same goals. On the days when I feel I can't go on anymore he gives me my strength and I'm grateful, grateful, grateful for everything and my growth and this past year. Ok this has just come to me. It was suggested to me some time ago that I start working with bereaved people. Not as a counsellor or a psychotherapist but as someone that understands through life experience. This is what I will be doing once we have our Retreat but as it is taking longer than hoped to find a space it was suggested I start helping people through skype or face to face if local. Up until two seconds ago for some reason I could imagine myself being able to do it at the retreat but not in another capacity. For some reason I thought I would not be able to handle it emotionally but that just changed (thank you Marley!). It was suggested I charged an amount per hour but initially I think I will do it also on a donation basis and proceeds going towards the fundraising for the Retreat. So if you have lost someone or know of someone in need of help please pass my details on. Initially [email protected] will be the best way to contact me. I have a lot of insight to share xxxx

[nataliestoneblog]

Mothers Day for Mum’s who have lost a child or for those that have lost a Mum.

Well I never thought I would be writing a blog entry about this and I certainly would not have imagined being in both camps. Tomorrow for those of us in New Zealand, Australia, United States and Canada its Mothers Day. A date in the calendar that has been commercially turned into a special day for spoiling Mums.

It's been a tough week for me this week, as soon as I realised it was Mothers Day on Sunday I had that sinking feeling. Ideally I would spend all day in the temple but Ella’s so excited. I've shed a fair amount of tears this week which I'm grateful to say is unusal for me but the thought of ‘Mothers Day’ has been harder for me to deal with than even Marley's Birthday or Christmas. I suppose it's because since loosing my Mum at the age of 13 it's always been a very difficult day and being a Mum is all I ever wanted to be. As soon as I was pregnant with Ella it became one of the best days of the year, but this ones going to be tough again.

Tomorrow, for those Countries that celebrate it, there will be many people that wont feel like celebrating. No matter what age you are when you loose your Mum, Mothers Day will never be the same again. If you have lost a child either through miscarriage or at any age it will always be difficult, very, very difficult. Although our Mums and our children are not physically here with us tomorrow we still have Mums and we are still Mums. They are not here to physically hold but it doesn't mean the relationship has ended, they will always be there. So tomorrow if you need to cry, cry but if you can, try and do something nice to celebrate the day in a small way. They will be with us, like always and they really don't like it when we are sad. So be thankful for the time you had and remember your not alone.

Love and light to all of you special people, I'll be thinking of you xxxxxx

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