“To be fair, even if it was me, I wouldn’t hold it against you. I deserve it”, Min shrugged, clearly no offense taken as he followed Nate outside, grateful for the brief silence that allowed him to gather his thoughts. “I mean, that’s actually sort of a nice segue… I wanted to talk to you about the past. Um, there’s no, like, fun way to talk about it. No half-assed way to bring this shit up either, but I’ve been in a really weird place, lately. I don’t mean to make this a pity party because frankly, I don’t deserve one, but everything I’ve ever known is just crumbling down and it’s so fucking dumb, but I feel like a newborn or some shit. It’s like I’m back to step one on most things.” Jaemin’s hesitance was as clear as day, a sigh slipping from his lips as he stuck his hands in his pockets. He tried to stop swaying left and right, maybe to even look Nate in the eye, as he deserved if he was to be subjected to his presence, but in vain. Something churned in his stomach; warm, uncomfortable. His brows furrowed together. “…I’ve been in therapy for a few months, and one of my most recent… well, I guess, accomplishments, has been just… being a decent human being? Not that I’m… decent in any way, but what I meant by that is that I realized that who people love, who people are or who they just want to be doesn’t fucking matter. To me personally but also to anyone but themselves. That this shit is never a choice, because I don’t think anyone on Earth would willingly choose to be persecuted for being who they are. And I hope my past actions haven’t plagued your life the way they’ve plagued mine recently. N- Not- Not that a few months of harboring guilt equates to years of constant bullying, because it doesn’t. But now that I see things more… clearly, I just… I was really hoping to see you and get the chance to tell you how… h- how truly sorry I am. For being a dickhead. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about you. I can’t shake away the guilt… I don’t think apologizing would fix it, but at least then I’d know I’ve done what I can… So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the things I’ve said and done to you, especially at a time when you were still transitioning, if I’m not mistaken? That must’ve been… so fucking scary, and I’ll never be able to take that back or make it right, but I’m hoping an apology’s a good place to start. And I… I mean, I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, either. I just needed you to know I was sorry and that it is haunting me; all those people defending you were dead on about that. About lots of things, come to think of it…” He trailed off, gaze blanking out in the distance. A silence fell upon them both, which he then shook off with a nod, eyes darting back to Nate. “Sorry, that was a lot.”
What came out of Jaemin’s mouth was... unexpected, to say the least. “Can’t say I saw that coming... Fuck, I don’t even know what to say to that... God, it’s been... it’s been almost four years since I graduated high school. That shit still fucking haunts me.” That last part definitely wasn’t going to make Jaemin feel any better, but it was something Nate had been harboring for years, and it was something he had discussed with his own therapist. ‘What would you say to your high school bullies if I had them sitting down in this room?’ was a question he’d been asked a lot. Now instead of saying it to a 40-something white woman named Jackie who would never hurt a fly, the person before him was actually one of his high school bullies, and he was terrified. Even though he was stronger now, physically and mentally, he was still scared to go back to that place when he could barely defend himself.
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