I am nothing @natevideo - Tumblr Blog

I bet she thinks I didn't want to come,

I bet she thinks I didn't want to see her,

I bet she thinks I am an asshole,

I wanted to see her,

I packed my bag on Monday,

I was supposed to leave Friday,

I got her a present,

I found out I couldn't stay anywhere,

I was heart broken,

I just miss her so much,

I only have her left.

I'm good at hiding pain,

Some say I'm not,

Those people are close,

They may be close to me,

But I'm alone,

I try so hard to better myself,

I don't get anywhere,

I don't have friends other than a select few,

They don't talk to me much anymore anyway.

I have one person I talk to everyday,

I love her with all my heart,

I find her the most precious thing in my life,

Yet I still fuck that up daily.

I don't feel like I do anything right,

I dont like feeling so alone,

No one asks how I'm doing,

No one asks me about my life,

Maybe I don't really have one.

Just a wave,

Breaking breifly,

Wanting to reach the shore,

The shore never comes any closer,

Longing for the shore,

Never being connected,

Just watching the shore,

Never able to meet it,

Not like the other waves.

I have been working so much that I couldn't think about much of anything but sleep recently. Now that I have a day off my mind is freed. My lust unleashed. And my imagination flows. It's been intense. Maybe I need a release. Who knows but this is how my thoughts have been going.

I want to slowly start making out, moving my hand slowly down her back gripping her ass tightly. My other hand slowly running down her front gracefully moving down her curves. Eventually stopping to gently touch her. She switched to biting my shoulder. Not being able to stand it anymore I rip off her clothes and start in on her chest. She starts in grabbing my dick, stroking it. Slowly moving down her body kissing every inch that I could, I start eating her out. She in turns switches positions to give head, taking my dick deeper and further into her mouth with each thrust of her head. This proceeds until we both cum. She then continues to use her mouth to clean my dick before standing up where I start to kiss her neck ever so gently, becoming ever more ravenous by the second. Picking her up from off the ground placing her against the wall and beginning to trust into her over and over, while she gently bites my neck. Clawing at my back almost as if trying to grip on to me. Wanting to go deeper I throw her to the bed spreading her legs out and taking one over my shoulder, beginning to trust harder than before. Taking it upon herself she switched the positions to ride on top hard and fast, moaning the whole time. Just when she seemed to get almost used to that position I start thrusting from below in addition to her movements. She starts clawing at my chest. I flip her around and grab the back of her hair whilst I continue to hear moan in pleasure. As I'm about to cum I tell her and she begins sucking my dick hard, deep and fast. So much so I come all over her.

I want love, I have had enough beer. Im writing this because it's for me and me alone. I want to write this down. I want to go outside and be like a dog for a day. No worries or cares just play and pee on things. What was my point again.

My existence is something I think about too much. I don't see the point of my existence. When I look around there is no one. That's how my life is. Alone.

I don't even know what I did this time. I just talked and was there for them. I stopped asking to hangout. I stopped saying I love you even if it wasn't romantic for me. I stopped expecting to talk to them everyday. I just wanted this one friend. I wanted to keep this one friend. My best friend. Someone I could talk to about my day and I could hear about theirs. Someone I never had to see but I could just talk to. I know its sad. I know its pathetic. But I didn't care I just wanted to keep them in my life. I don't have anyone.

On the surface everyone thinks I play games, read books and watch shows and even got a job because they are all things I wanted. I do to some degree. The real thing is its an escape from myself. My mind needs a break from itself. Games let me live another life or another story. Books let me envision a whole different from my own. Shows are like static they distract my mind from everything else. My job it keeps me around people, it keeps me social.

Every so often I ask people what do they honestly think about me. Today I did that. From multiple people I heard that I'm too nice. I'm too there for people. I'm too forgiving. That I take on too many people's problems. I didn't realize these we were issues. I didn't realize that any of these would be wrong.

I wish I got another shot at it. I would change everything about me and my life if I could get one more chance. If I need to become a whole new person it would be worth it. I just need to know if I do I will get another chance.

Sometimes the only thing that can ease the pain is jumping right into it. I just make sure there's a way out.

You know, I actually know I will never be good enough for anyone. It won't matter how hard I try but in the end no one will want to be around me. I guess I will be insane then. By definition insanity is trying the same method over and over expecting a different result. I'll be insane, I'll keep trying even though I know no one will ever want to do anything with me.

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Had a nice night with someone tonight. I don’t really think I’ll go out with them again mainly because I just didnt think we clicked but it wasnt bad. I don’t know. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with the night or really any awkward moments but I didn’t feel like either of us were totally into each other it was more like hanging out. If anything it felt like we were just friends from the begining. But I did like hearing from her that I was the nicest guy she has been out with in a long time and no one has treated her to dinner and a movie before. I felt like that was a big compliment. My last time going out with someone was really fun and I know on my end I was into her. We had a pretty causal dinner and just talked. Followed by seeing a new movie. Which we both critizied the movie heavily afterwards, and just laughed. That felt like a real connection but tonight it wasn't like that. At least I didn't feel that.

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I am nothing