Nathan Grant

Sometimes I feel like I'm melting, I'm just so tired. And other times I feel like I'm frozen, I'm just so overwhelmed. But mostly I feel like just an empty human body.

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

[maffewz]

There was a difference between Matthew commenting on Nathan’s fussy habits and Nathan listing every little thing Matthew had done and putting it on blast. It didn’t help that Matthew hadn’t realized there were so many things he did that were annoying to Nathan in the first place. There wasn’t supposed to be a break of communication between them, especially since the last couple of months had gone relatively smoothly to what they’d had to deal with before. 

Matthew’s facial expression might’ve shifted in response, an offended twitch to his eye or a slight sinking of the right side of his mouth, but he otherwise made himself appear unaffected. “Fuck you,” he muttered, folding his arms across his chest again. He, at the very least, wasn’t going to go through all the damn irritating things Nathan had gotten up to. “If you hate everything I do, then why don’t you just leave then? No one’s demanding you stick around. Certainly not for my sake. I’m well enough to survive on my own, thank you.” 

[natey--boy]

Nathan looked up at Matthew, ignoring his textbook for the time being. He wasn’t reading it anyway. His whole body seemed to start shaking, and his arms couldn’t decide what the best way to hold on to his trashcan was. He had never felt so anxious or fidgety; it was like his body couldn’t make sense of it’s surroundings when his brain was so focused on his eminent meltdown. 

His bottom lip wobbled. “Fine,” Nathan agreed, shoving some of his things into a backpack. Most of it was just homework stuff, but he also grabbed his wallet, keys, phone, laptop, and chargers. He had a feeling he wouldn’t want to come back to the room any time soon. Nathan felt tears slip down his face as he left the room, and felt like an idiot for letting his emotions show through so easily. He was furious, yes, but mostly just overwhelmed. He wasn’t in a position where he could be fighting with anyone right now, he needed to have a comfortable environment, but Matthew hadn’t offered that to him, and now he was a wreck. Nate grabbed his jacket and slung his book bag over his shoulder. “If you’re so happy to be on your own, then have a nice afternoon alone,” Nathan said before stepping out into the hallway. 

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

[maffewz]

“I asked nicely!” This wasn’t meant to transition into an argument, but it was looking more and more like there was no stopping it from doing exactly that. “How is that me not taking it easy on you? I’ve literally only just said that I didn’t need you worrying about me so much. It’s not like I told you to fuck off, or anything.” Which maybe he wanted to. Now. Because being around Nathan wasn’t just easy anymore. It was always tense, either because he wasn’t sure what was going on in Nathan’s head and he sure as hell never said, or because Matthew hadn’t been able to get himself to speak up about Nathan’s fussing until now. 

His head shook, arms dropping from his chest so he could crack a couple knuckles. Matthew made a point of keeping his gaze set straight ahead on the television screen. “I hate when you do that,” he muttered, lips slightly pursed in dismay. He had half the mind to tell Nathan to leave the room right now. “Like, I fuck up enough, certainly I have in the past, but I did nothing wrong just now and yet you’re still trying to put the blame on me.” 

[natey--boy]

“You didn’t ask nicely, you were grumpy, and now you’re shouting, and I hate when you do that,” Nathan replied, copying the words Matthew used on him. He was so frustrated, especially by the way Matthew was shaking his head at him. It was like his boyfriend wanted to be as insulting as possible as he spoke to Nathan. This whole argument could have been avoided if Matthew had just been nice when he spoke to him instead of a raging jackass. 

(Okay, well, maybe Matthew actually hadn’t really done anything wrong, but Nathan was having a really tough week. He was emotional when Matthew was being nothing but kind to him, so to hear anything else put Nathan right over the edge.)

Nate crinkled his nose, thumbing the edge of one of the pages to his textbook. “And I hate when you criticize me when I’m already upset, and I hate how you only pay attention to me when I’m doing something for you, and I hate that you make me want to throw up all the time, and like... you’re not always a cakewalk either, Matthew, but I never complain, and you complain all of the time.” 

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

[maffewz]

“That’s not even what I meant,” he sputtered helplessly. It wasn’t like he was suffocated by Nathan being around, because Matthew was probably always going to want to be at his side no matter how often during the day it was. All the fussing and nitpicking was what got under his skin. Having to be fed little things like Oreos or carrots, or having his clothes changed even though Matthew was now more than capable of doing it himself. It made him feel inferior even though he knew he wasn’t. 

His arms folded across his chest tightly. “I’m just saying that, like. You don’t have to do as much as you did before. I don’t need you to ask me if I’m alright every five seconds, or throw on another jumper for me ‘cause if I’m cold, then I’ll just grab one myself. It’s not like I’m just laying here, unable to do anything for myself like I was before. I just need you to stop babying me.” 

[natey--boy]

Nathan scrubbed his hands over his face. He would have preferred if Matthew had just wanted some time alone rather than hear he had been babying his boyfriend again. He hated when Matthew accused him of babying him. It was the worst feeling in the whole wide world, to know he was terrible at the one job he thought he was good at. He didn’t know why he always managed to fuck up with Matthew like this. 

“Well, I dunno... I dunno, why don’t you ever just tell me that kind of thing, I can’t... I can’t magically know everything, I can’t...” Nathan squirmed more as he flipped open his textbook, staring down at the pages as tears made his vision blurry. He was literally three seconds from vomiting all over his desk. He wished Matthew hadn’t asked him to do his homework. Nate grabbed a trashcan and hugged it to his chest as he felt his stomach clench. “It’s like you expect so much of me, Matthew, why can’t you just go easy on me for once?” he asked, sounding incredibly accusatory. He had a habit of blaming Matthew for everything in moments like these, as if Matt didn’t do his absolute best to take care of him.

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

[maffewz]

“I don’t, though.” Matthew did his best to remain calm. Getting snappy wasn’t going to help either of them, and certainly wouldn’t help the situation. Plus, Nathan was really only saying that he was being there for Matthew like he’d wanted time and time again. Needed, the last couple of months. It was just that day to day practices that once felt impossible for Matthew were easier now. “At least, like. I don’t need as much help as I did before.” 

Matthew’s eyebrows pulled together a little, frustrated. “And I would’ve figured that, like, you’d get that. Since, y’know, you were the one that got me into physical therapy and what not in the first place. That’s what it’s meant to do, y’know. Help me. I can’t depend on you for everything forever.” 

[natey--boy]

“Right, but like... suffocating? Cause, geez, Matthew, that’s just... That’s just mean,” Nathan complained, trying to speak up for himself. He had been a door mat lately, just letting every negative little thing hit him full on like a freight train. But he knew he had to stand up for himself at least a little bit. It wasn’t okay for Matthew to hurt his feelings. If Nathan let him get away with it, then that would be like admitting he was someone Matt could use and abuse without consequence. 

And maybe he didn’t have to worry about Matthew hurting him or even intentionally hurting his feelings, but Mrs. Morrison had been clear about how important it was for Nathan to speak up about how he was feeling. And right now he was feeling anxious and attacked. “You don’t even have any right to call me that, when you’re like... constantly here. It’s my room, too, and you’re always around, so like... it’s not my fault. If you don’t want to see me then you can leave,” he said.

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

[maffewz]

Sometimes it felt like it was hard to talk to Nathan, because lately, half the time Matthew had to smooth over his tone a couple times before he could say what he wanted so it wouldn’t come off too demanding. He didn’t want Nathan to fall back into that routine of doing what everyone else around him wanted. It had already taken ages for Nathan to start putting himself before others, and to have that fall apart beneath him was only going to make everything else harder. 

Matt tried to convince himself that Nathan getting out his homework had more to do with the desire to pass his classes than because Matthew told him to do it. “Just ..” he tried for a second, then promptly gave up. His eyes flitted over to the television. Lamely, Matthew murmured, “Dunno. You’re getting kind of suffocating again.” 

[natey--boy]

“Suffocating,” Nathan repeated, eyes wide. He scratched at his chest, feeling like his heart was pounding out of his ribcage. He could throw up. He felt like he had been throwing up for days, but he could do it again right here and now. Nathan wasn’t very good at handling criticism. He tried so hard to be absolutely perfect for Matthew at all times, so to hear him say that he wasn’t... It was overwhelming. 

“Suffocating,” he said in disbelief. “Well... well what even am I supposed to do about that? Because... Because I don’t even know how I can go about changing that. I can’t... I don’t think I can go to school right now, and you need help, and I can’t really.... I can’t really... Suffocating?” he asked, overwhelmed.

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

[maffewz]

“No, I don’t .. can you just, like. Sit still?” Watching Nathan fidget only made Matthew want to fidget, and he didn’t need that nor want it. He was finally getting a handle on everything in his life and the last thing he wanted was whatever infectious anxiety his boyfriend had seemed to catch. It was hard being around Nathan lately without feeling like he was being constantly fussed over. Even more so than the last time this became a problem .. which was honestly saying something. 

Matthew knew he probably should have been kinder because Nathan couldn’t help how he went about trying to subdue his nerves, and he was allowed to have particularly bad days. But this felt like a bad week, never-ending as the day turned into night and then day again. It was a constant cycle of Nathan asking what he needed or what he wanted, and it only made sense that Matthew’s patience had finally worn thin. 

At the very least, he did try to smooth out the tone of his voice when he added, “I just .. you getting like that is making me feel nervous. So just. Stop and, like. Do some homework, or something, y’know?” 

[natey--boy]

Nathan would usually do whatever Matthew asked immediately, but he couldn’t stop moving. Not on command, not at all. He was a wreck lately. A simple request from Matthew wasn’t enough to calm him down. Honestly, it probably only made it worse. He cleared his throat awkwardly, fidgeting more in his chair. 

“Um... Getting like what?” he asked, reaching for his backpack and getting out his homework even as he waited for his boyfriend to respond. Maybe he couldn’t stop moving, but he could at least do his homework. If that was what Matthew wanted him doing, then that’s what he would do, even if the implication of that made him uncomfortable. He probably shouldn’t live his life off of other people’s commands, but apparently, he still wasn’t ready to make his own decisions.

[natey--boy]

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

Nathan scratched a bit at his wrist. His skin was pink from his most recent shower, and it itched it was so raw. He felt like he was going crazy. Whatever progress Nathan had made before was all but completely missing now. He was back to extra long teeth brushing and extra long showers along with a host of other issues. 

Like his over-the-top need to please. 

He was bending over backwards to keep his boyfriend happy, even if he knew that Matthew probably didn’t need or want all he was doing for him. Nathan kept going crazy, trying to take care of his every need. It was annoying, Nate knew, because Matthew was supposed to be finally doing things for himself, but he couldn’t help it. It was easier to focus on Matthew, and he was terrified that if he stopped watching over him, then he would end up getting mad at him. 

“Do you need anything? Want me to get you a snack? I could make you a sandwich, or cut up an apple, or slice up an orange... Or whatever you want. What can I do for you?” Nathan asked, a flustered mess, even though nothing was wrong. 

His anxiety had clearly taken a massive toll on him. Nate spent what felt like ever minute shaking, and not just due to his medication. He was so overwhelmed, and all he wanted to do was pay attention to Matthew rather than think about all of his worries. Of course, Matthew worried him as well, but at least he felt like he had some control when he was looking after him.

[natey--boy]

A Little Too Pampered

[maffewz]

Even though he was reaching the point where Nathan taking care of him was feeling suffocating again, Matthew didn’t have it in him to ask for space. It wasn’t like he ever wanted it either. If it were up to him, there wouldn’t be a second bed in their room at all because it was hardly ever used, lest they were fighting. He knew that it was normal to need to make the first move sometimes; it was unfair to think that Nathan was going to fix everything every time, even if it was something minute like this .. but Matthew still wasn’t sure what was even wrong. He scooted over to erase the space between them and scooped up one of Nathan’s hands onto his lap. 

[natey--boy]

Nathan huffed out a sigh of relief as Matt took his hand. Okay, maybe he hadn’t messed up as much as he thought he had earlier. He had figured squeezing on so tightly had made Matthew not want to touch him or hold hands anymore, but apparently his boyfriend was still okay with being near to him. He chewed on his lip, fidgeting with Matthew’s blanket again with his free hand as he watched the movie. His heart was still beating loudly in his ears, even if he hadn’t done anything wrong, and wished he could throw himself into some kind of work -like taking care of Matthew or exercising- just to get his mind off of it. “You’re okay, right? You don’t need anything?” he asked about twenty minutes into the movie. He couldn’t fuss over the covers anymore, they were absolutely perfect.

[natey--boy]

A Little Too Pampered

[maffewz]

Swallowing back his sigh, Matthew nodded. “Good, yeah.” He wasn’t sure what he’d said that made Nathan move away, and although Matthew was doing his best not to think his boyfriend as delicate, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He didn’t need the same kind of care that he had earlier on and it was becoming more obvious that there wasn’t really a way to say that without hurting Nathan’s feelings. He shifted beneath his blanket and turned a little so he could look over at Nathan. “Come back?” he offered weakly, outstretching a halfhearted hand. 

[natey--boy]

“Mhm, okay,” Nate agreed, although he wasn’t quite sure what Matthew wanted him for. Nathan really wanted to be close and cuddled beside Matthew, but he didn’t know why Matt would want the same thing. He was so stupid, and ugly, and annoying. Nathan didn’t matter, and lately he had been confused whenever Matthew acted like he did. Still, he rushed to Matthew’s side because he did want to be close to him even if he had been a bit awkward lately. He sat next to Matthew, a gap between their bodies, hoping his boyfriend might take the initiative to close it so Nathan wouldn’t have to. 

[natey--boy]

A Little Too Pampered

[maffewz]

“Okay.” It wasn’t like he could force it out of Nathan, even if he wanted to. It was partially Matthew’s fault anyway; he wasn’t capable of reading Nathan like it was the other way around, and there were very few instances where he could tell right off the bat what his boyfriend needed without being gestured towards it. Matthew continually put a lot of faith in Nathan, though, with the assumption that he would be told if anything worrying was brewing. 

He glanced down at the blanket. “Thanks,” Matthew mumbled, eyes going a little wide when his hand was snatched up. He set the pack of oreos to the side and placed his other hand on top of Nathan’s. “That’s .. you’re kinda holding on a bit tight, love.” He wiggled his hand a little. “Actually, can we put the telly on? And, like. I don’t know. A movie, maybe, instead of just some tv show.” 

[natey--boy]

"Sorry," Nathan replied, pulling completely away from Matthew. He chewed on his bottom lip, his anxiety spiking as Matthew reprimanded him. Along with his need to work for Matthew, he also had a deep need to please. Whenever he felt stressed about getting raped, he was worried to upset anyone.

"A movie would be good," Nathan agreed, throwing himself towards all of his DVDs. He picked out one of Matthew's claymation movies -this time Nightmare Before Christmas- and stuck it in the player. He crawled into his own bed, leaving Matthew in his own. "This is okay, right?" he asked referring to the movie as the opening credits rolled.

[natey--boy]

A Little Too Pampered

[maffewz]

It was definitely weirder than usual. Matthew felt a bit like he was an animal at the zoo with the way Nathan was watching him so intently, but he tried his best not to fidget because of it. It was a hard transition, learning to pull away a bit now that Matthew could do a lot of things on his own. 

“I’m good, yeah,” Matthew reassured. “And you don’t have to worry about that, you’ve done more than enough for me.” He really had, and the idea of Nathan not doing enough was a silly one. He was the driving factor behind everything Matthew did and it was a tad bit worrisome that he was still so focused on him, rather than all that he had going on with himself. Tentatively, Matthew asked, “But you’re good?” 

[natey--boy]

“I don’t... I don’t think I want to talk about me right now,” Nathan answered. He wasn’t very good at it, and he didn’t have anything important to say. Matthew new how crippling his anxiety could be; Matt knew how Nathan must be feeling. It didn’t really need discussing. Talking about it would just freak Nathan out even more, and he didn’t think he could handle that. 

He grabbed a blanket off the foot of the bed and carefully, precisely, almost neurotically laid it out on top of Matthew. A blanket had never been spread out more perfectly. Nathan followed up by reaching out to take Matthew’s hand, not noticing he was holding it so hard his knuckles turned white. 

[natey--boy]

A Little Too Pampered

[maffewz]

The fact that Nathan still seemed adamant in taking care of him every way was frustrating, but not enough for Matthew to say anything about it. He wanted to be able to do what he could on his own after spending so many months reliant on Nathan to do something as simple as getting into the shower, but Matthew also knew that this pleased Nathan somehow and if it kept his boyfriend from having another breakdown, Matthew would suck it up. 

Plus, the littler things like getting another sweatshirt pulled over his head or being offered a cooked meal wasn’t as terribly aggravating as some other things were. Matthew was fully capable of sitting up now and transferring to his wheelchair didn’t end up being as impossible as he had initially believed. 

“No,” he answered first, then ultimately rethought his answer. “Well, like. I could do with some Oreos, but you don’t have to feed me.” Matthew’s voice was soft, a small attempt at remaining delicate towards whatever fussing Nathan needed in order to feel content. It was something he was a little bit used to anyway. From the very beginning, Nathan had always been taking care of Matt. 

[natey--boy]

Nathan nodded eagerly, happy to get Matthew absolutely anything he needed or asked for. He grabbed the three pack of Oreos, opened it for Matthew, and passed it to him. He sat on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, heart pounding against his chest, as he watch Matthew eat his cookies. He knew he was hovering, but he hadn’t had free time in so long, he didn’t really know what to do with it. He wasn’t bored so much as overwhelmed. There were so many things he could do, like play his guitar or knit, but everything felt difficult when he was this anxious. 

“Are you warm enough? Are you snuggly? Are you sure you don’t need anything else? I feel like... I feel like I haven’t done enough,” he said, which was probably more because he slept in for once, and he didn’t go to class, and he didn’t go to swim or lacrosse, and he didn’t do anything with friends. There was an emptiness to his day, and he couldn’t figure out how to fill it. He just knew that he needed to so he could stop near hyperventilating about whatever minuscule thing crossed his mind to make him start worrying.

[natey--boy]

A Little Too Pampered

“Hey, it’s a little nippy out, let’s get you snuggled up,” Nate said, helping Matthew to sit up in bed, even if his boyfriend had been doing that on his own lately. Nathan helped Matthew get into a sweatshirt, the routinized practice helping to dull his heartbeat. It had gotten a little chilly in the room, and Nathan figured it would be best if Matt had on another layer.  

Nate was not a person who was very good at taking a break, even though that was what he was trying to do now. Every time he thought about seeing his friends again, he wanted to break down in tears he was so humiliated. Everything felt like too much: school, sports, friends... Nathan couldn’t find it within himself to leave the room. 

But he still wanted to get things done, and he still needed a distraction. So he put all of his energy into Matthew which, to be fair, was what he had to do for a long time. It was hard to break the habit easily, and Matthew had yet to complain about all the TLC Nathan had been bestowing on him lately. He kissed Matt’s nose and helped him to lie back down, seeing no reason in making Matthew sit up just to have him exhausted later on (even if Nate knew that Matt’s core strength was much better than it used to be). 

“You’re so cute,” Nathan promised. “I’ve missed you lately. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want lunch? I could totally feed you lunch if you want, I have peas, and macaroni and cheese, and some Oreos for you, if you want.”

[natey--boy]

Phone Calls with Mom

[maffewz]

“No, no.” Matthew’s arms easily slid around Nathan now, body leaning forward so he could rest his head on his shoulder again. It was always hard for Matthew whenever Nathan got in slumps because he wanted so desperately for his boyfriend to be well again, half the time he ended up saying or doing the wrong thing because of it. “I’m too comfortable, so you’re not allowed to move. Not that hungry anyway.” 

[natey--boy]

“Okay,” Nathan agreed, rubbing Matthew’s back soothingly. He had a feeling that if he could recline just the right amount and rub Matthew’s back for just long enough, he could get his boyfriend to fall back asleep. He let his knuckles trace up and down his boyfriend’s back. “We’ll just stay in bed for a little, don’t you worry,” he said quietly, guiding Matt’s head to rest on his shoulder with his free hand. He let his boyfriend burry his eyes into the crook of his neck to block out the early morning light. Within ten minutes Matt was fast asleep, and Nathan was happy to be trapped underneath him. Maybe Matthew was getting better, but he still needed some taking care of, and Nathan was happy to do it.

[natey--boy]

Phone Calls with Mom

[maffewz]

Matthew nodded. He was doing good. He didn’t need as much help maneuvering around in his wheelchair now, unless there was a bit of distance between point a and point b. Even then, though, he was still wary about having anyone other than Nathan push him around. And getting up, eating, seeing Dr. Hunt .. it all came a bit naturally now, like Matthew was almost excited for it after spending so many weeks cooped up in their bed. “We both are,” he felt the need to remind. Even though Nathan was having a rough time now, Matthew wanted to make sure he at least acknowledged how much better he’d managed to become and how getting back to that place wasn’t impossible, even if it might’ve felt as much now. Despite the little smile on his face, the hand on his bum had Matthew grumbling into the kiss and shifted to sit up some. “We should eat something instead, maybe,” he offered, leaning down to peck Nathan’s lips again. “I’m craving carrots.”

[natey--boy]

“It’s seven in the morning, you’re crazy,” Nathan replied, sitting up in bed and taking Matthew with him. He wasn’t particularly hungry. He hadn’t been feeling great about himself lately, and he’d definitely been feeling nauseous, so he wasn’t up to eating anything. Especially not carrots. Orange throw up was probably the grossest throw up. “But I can get you carrots if you want, babe. You just rest, it’s early for you. Tell me what you want, and I’ll get it,” Nathan promised. 

[natey--boy]

Phone Calls with Mom

[maffewz]

“Okay,” Matthew mumbled slowly. Realistically, he knew that there was going to have to be a time when he and Nathan couldn’t spend as much time together as they did now. He was lucky enough that Mr. and Mrs. Grant were alright with having him around the house, or else Matthew would have yet another summer to grow wary of because of time apart from Nathan. Come the following school year, though, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to be at his boyfriend’s side as often. Depending on where he went, he might even only be able to come around on the weekends, or something, and that was beyond unsettling. It held enough weight to sometimes get Matthew thinking if he really needed to go to college at all. But that wasn’t something he would ever get around to telling Nathan, or his parents, or .. well. Anyone, really. It was irrational. One of his arms squeezed through the minimal space between Nathan’s back and the mattress.“I’m getting there, I think. The busy schedule helps.” 

[natey--boy]

“You are, you’re doing really good,” Nathan promised. “I think you spoke about it well with your mom, saying how you still have a ways to go, but... but babe, I think most of the work is almost done, you know? I’m sure the hardest part was just talking to me, huh? Because that seemed like a huge hurdle that you managed to get through. And then getting out of bed was so hard for you, and eating has been hard for you, and.... I’m just really proud of how far you’ve come. Like, I still worry, and I still wanna be careful, but you’re doing great,” he promised. Nate squeezed around Matt’s middle and then let go so he could lift Matthew’s chin up and kiss him fully on the mouth. One hand reached down to give his boyfriend’s flat, little bum a squeeze. “You’re so cute.”

[natey--boy]

Phone Calls with Mom

[maffewz]

Had this all happened a month ago, Matthew probably would have been a bit more upset that Nathan had gone behind his back and planned some impromptu phone call with his mom, and he might’ve even rejected the phone being held out for him this morning. However, he was in a better place now and although it probably should have worried him how well Nathan still was at keeping things from him, it didn’t. “I love you.” Matthew left a little kiss to Nathan’s shoulder. “Thanks.” 

[natey--boy]

“No problem,” Nathan promised. “I just... I want you to be happy, you know? I don’t want it to be so hard for you to get up and do things. And I want you to have people in your life who help to make you feel good. Like... people other than me, you know?” Nathan explained, wringing his hands together a bit. As far as Matt had come, he really did have a ways to go. Nate didn’t know how he would ever make it if he went to college next year. It wasn’t that he didn’t have faith in his boyfriend, it was just that... Well, Matt was fragile right now. And that was okay, he couldn’t help it; Nathan still loved him endlessly. “I do love holding you, and snuggling you, and kissing you, and talking to you, and spending time with you, and a million other things. I just want you happy when I’m not here.” Nate flushed, realizing how that sounded. “And by ‘not here,’ I mean, like... at class or something.”