My Coming out story, from start to finish
I knew I was gay before I knew what gay was. I just knew I liked boys and not girls.This didn’t bother me because I didn’t understand it, I was only like 6-7 after all so why would it. Then I got older and everyone was telling me I should like girls. Not that I told anyone I didn’t but its the old boy meets girl stories you hear as a kid. I remember when I was a teenager, maybe 12-13ish I stole a copy of my Dad’s newspaper the Sun. I spent hours looking at that topless lady trying to understand it.
I then went to secondary school. I felt like crap from here, I would spend the whole lesson trying to understand why I didn’t like that “hot” girl but could spend hours day dreaming about my best friend. I felt wrong, horrible, I thought I had a mental illness and had to hide it from everyone. The closest I got to coming out was asking my Religious Education teacher the age of gay consent, she told me 18 (it was 16). I know it sounds small but that one thing, different ages of consent, confirmed for me that it was different and wrong.
I went though secondary school pretending to be “normal”, I later came out after I left school at 16. I decided to go about it as slowly as possible. I changed how I dressed (from cheap tracksuits to real stuff) my friends all said I was turning into a “emo fag boy”. They also told me they had “lost respect” for me. This just sent me head first into the start of my major depression, (I had been depressed though school but not this bad). I then thought fuck it, I decided to tell them I was Bisexual, they really turned on me then. They stopped talking to me, threaten me with violence and got some rather nasty people to jump me once or twice. (I was getting attacked a lot back then so not sure how many attacks were linked to them.) I got close to a girl I knew from school then, Jess, she saved my life, she is how I got though this next bit.
I had lost all my friends that had meant everything to me and one that I was pretty sure I was in love with. I felt utterly defeated and in all honestly if I had not had Jess there I don’t know what I would have done. I then told my parents, I remember this night like its still happening. My mum picked me up from town about half 9 at night, I was upset with all the shit happening to me and she made me tell her what was wrong. I said it, “I’m Gay, okay?” My heart sank, everything depended on this next response, “how do you know your gay?” “Stop being Silly?” “You know people hate gay people right?” “are you sure its not phase?” She said all these things and more. Everyone made me feel worse, I felt my life, my everything was over, she told Dad, we all had a big fight and I just ran out of the house crying. I told my cousin and Aunty, he met me outside, we went to his mums house and got drunk. He later told me that me being gay had made him cry because he had hated gay people. He pushed that away in the same moment I needed him most and helped me. That means a lot.
After this I had a year or so just having massive fights with my mum, I tried to kill myself once. I started self harming, saw about 3 counselors, was put on antidepressants and so on. None of this really helped. What did help was Jess. This is where she saved my life, nearly everyday I would have a cry to her and she would just listen and offer what advice she could. I learnt to always help people in the same way because of her and she was made me who I am today and I can never thank her enough.
My mum and I sorted things out in the end, because of violence in the streets I decided to move out of my parents home and up to Brighton on the Sussex coast. I am now with my boyfriend Krys, who is the best man ever and I love him so much. I am so much happier now!
Coming out may be a long and hard journey but its worth it!
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