final goodbye
I've probably gone over what I've wanted to say for years now and I'm almost completely positive that no matter what I put down on this piece of paper, it won't be good enough. Just how I'm not good enough. Try to say I'm wrong, it doesn't matter. There's a good chance that if you're reading this then I'm already gone. It's fine, really, I wanted this. I've wanted this for such a long time that it's literally been killing me. No pun intended.
So, I guess I should at least explain what's going on in my messed up brain even though I'm sure many of you couldn't give a fuck, but here I go. My parents, well, they were the first people I ever came out to. Thinking that they loved me as much as they did that they would accept me no matter who I was, right? Wrong. My mom, sure she was accepting and sure she still admitted to loving me and you would think that would be enough. Nothing is ever enough. My dad started beating me and god, I can't even remember a time when I wasn't covered in bruises. My acting classes must've really paid off though, my mom didn't suspect a thing. In more ways than one, I was hurt yet no matter how desperately I wanted to run away and hide and find comfort in someone, in anyone, I kept it all to myself. No one knew and this went on for years. Once my mom had found out and my parents got a divorce, I thought I was free. I thought, "Hey, now that I don't have someone kicking the shit out of my everyday, everything can go back to normal." So, I tried being myself again, tried being the person I used to be but apparently, I have forgotten who that person was. The boy who was the star soccer player, the boy with the excellent grades who also sang wonderfully. He was gone. And now all that's left is me. A broken down, lonely boy who's terrified of his own shadow only because he let someone bring him down. And once that someone brought me down, everyone started putting my down, including myself. Have I thought about killing myself before? Yes. Have I even tried to attempt it? Yes. More times than I'd like to recall. But now I finally get that chance. For once I thought I'd let myself go, for once I thought I could open myself up to somebody but of course, no good deed goes unpunished. My heart has been broken beyond repair and there are far too many scars that can be healed. I give up. I have given up a long, long time ago.Â
And now, I guess this is it. I honestly don't know what else to put in here but I want to thank the ones who have actually put an effort into helping me and I don't want anyone of you to think that your efforts had gone to waste. I'm just sorry that I wasn't strong enough for trying to better myself and in most ways, this is my own fault. There's this one boy in particular though, who deserves more than what I've given him. He deserves everything and I wish I was only good enough to make him happy. And I only hope that with this letter, he'll be happy now that I'm not dragging him down. I made a mistake. Far too many than I would like to remember but there is one thing I don't regret. That thing is falling in love. I never thought I was capable of loving someone for I could barely manage to love myself and I struggled with the thought that he would ever feel remotely the same way I did. Now I only hope he can find that love and happiness I so desperately wanted to give him. I had to swallow my pride so many times just because he asked me to let him in. He was the only one whom I ever opened up for even if it was just him seeing my scars. Sure, plenty of kids at my school or others I have encountered have seen my scars but none of them had reacted so strongly as he did. He wanted to make me better, he wanted to make me aware that I am more than just my skin. I was just stupid enough to not believe him and let the shit in my head get to me. But I want to thank him and I only wish I could have gotten a chance to speak to him, or to at least see him one last time before I go. But I guess the night we spent together would have to be enough. I just hope that he smiles when he reads this, if he ever reads this. He needs to know that he is loved even if it was just me.Â
I wish I could tell you more about my sappy and pathetic life but I hate to admit, I can't feel my fingers anymore. I probably should have promised not to make this as graphic as I'm making it seem. I feel sick, though. They're just not settling right in my stomach. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I wouldn't know, I haven't tried this way before. Wow, this letter is longer than I expected and totally not what I wanted to say but I guess it's too late now. Just remember that even though I didn't make it, doesn't mean you can't. I hit a lot of obstacles in the road, many that I could have avoided easily but...it's too late. I wish I could've redone my life but, who knows where I would be if I did? Anyway, it's been good while it lasted. Hope you all have a beautiful life.
Stay grand,
Nathaniel Sheary
