I spent more than I should have for the last two days.. however I needed to get out…
I booked a hotel for 2 nights with a view, with park of the city as my visual playground.. inspiration glinting before my eyes like the city lights at night, glowing fiercely illuminating what I want to have, what I’m meant to have.
I let myself rest, waking up to orange hues and fog intertwining the buildings of the city skyline thick at the top and scattered above the water
Starting the day slow, I took myself out to breakfast at a classic New York diner. Open from 8 AM to 3PM. I got there by lunch which it was moderately packed so I was given a seat at a bar. I ordered a large orange juice, freshly squeezed, 2 eggs scrambled, with home fries, white toast and pork sausage. The orange juice came first, the first sip hit exactly what it should have. In the meantime, I read 2 pages of withering heights and drifted off in thought.. empty thought .. a realization.. my breakfast came and I started eating..
I realized I’m living a lived experience,one that isn’t unusual, normal. Getting divorced… job uncertainty, a break up, rediscovering myself and what I’m going to do next.. and I’m sitting in a diner slowly shoving home fries into my mouth. No one around me knows that I’m drowning even though it’s written all over my face.. the loud silence among a sea of people talking and connecting and I know I’m on the outside of it all. I’m not here but my body is. Plus I missed my doctors appointment with my psychiatrist which didn’t help.
I finish my meal and I feel good, nourished. I tip the waitress with pink hair who was kind and checked in with me if I was okay.
I went to get my nails done. A french gel manicure. I never did it before and it was great. I love it. Though here I zoned out mostly using music as an excuse asking if I could listen instead of talk. I drifted off here and there… stared out the window. They finished my nails.. they gave me a cute hand cream full sized as a gift , I was grateful. I tipped my nail tech. I realize this is a lot of work they could get away with charging more, I tipped more than 25 %. If I could have I’d of done more.
I went to grab some food for later, went to a Japanese market called dainobu and got a chirashi bowl with avocado, onigiri, and grabbed Starbucks even though the pay made my drink hot instead of cold.. I didn’t have the energy to correct it.
Being back, I freshened up, prepared for leaving tomorrow morning though I will wake up earlier so I can put together the last bit of my divorce papers…I ate my meal, and watched the Santa clause 2 and ignored part 3 because it fell off.. I waited for the holiday classics.. now snuggled under my covers with candy and a note book and Rudolph the red nose reindeer playing I write wondering how to take on the next parts of my life.. how to make my dreams come true.. how to make them happen. How to evolve into who I am becoming… the day of rest was needed the night of sleep was needed. Exhaustion has over powered me.
When I can I’ll write about my community they have helped me so much… I’m just too tired right now. But the rest was good..rest shouldn’t be a luxury..mental health care shouldn’t be a luxury but here it is. I can’t afford to take a week in this hotel I could have barely afforded the 2 nights…. But the cost of this vs doing nothing and possibly harming myself or having to go into psych care .. I’d rather pay than pay for he cost of death or being out away.