Naturally Alisia @naturallyalisia - Tumblr Blog

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Falling in love with you was one of the most beautiful mistakes I’ve made. You’re no good. You made that clear. You’re hiding things I’ll never know the answer to. Choosing flat out abandonment over looking me in the face and breaking my heart properly.

I tire pining over you wondering how you could love me and mean that and leave me out in the cold. How you could easily abandon them as well, leaving me to answer questions about you and your being.. your whereabouts when you have acknowledged me since January.

Perhaps, I’ve ended up getting in tangled yet again with someone who has no real regard for for me, avoiding me because I’ve become too much.. avoiding me because being with me was too heavy.

Or perhaps I’ve met my match ? Connected yet distant. Feeling the weight of love while yearning for companionship. Feeling that it’s so heavy you can’t barely hold it up. But instead of struggling with it you retreat, dropping it

Or maybe you’ve found someone that’s worth your time more than me, wanting a clean break without being the bad guy. Truthfully, I’d rather he told me in that moment that there was someone else.. he was so convincing otherwise.. but then again he was an actor, theatre kid.. a liar..

So who knows.. maybe I’m just too blinded by his kindness that I’ve refused to see the truth.

when someone really loves you, and feels connected to you they will know within when you're pulling away. Some may call it anxious attachment but is it really anxious when you end up being right ? What happened to intuition ?

I spent more than I should have for the last two days.. however I needed to get out…

I booked a hotel for 2 nights with a view, with park of the city as my visual playground.. inspiration glinting before my eyes like the city lights at night, glowing fiercely illuminating what I want to have, what I’m meant to have.

I let myself rest, waking up to orange hues and fog intertwining the buildings of the city skyline thick at the top and scattered above the water

Starting the day slow, I took myself out to breakfast at a classic New York diner. Open from 8 AM to 3PM. I got there by lunch which it was moderately packed so I was given a seat at a bar. I ordered a large orange juice, freshly squeezed, 2 eggs scrambled, with home fries, white toast and pork sausage. The orange juice came first, the first sip hit exactly what it should have. In the meantime, I read 2 pages of withering heights and drifted off in thought.. empty thought .. a realization.. my breakfast came and I started eating..

I realized I’m living a lived experience,one that isn’t unusual, normal. Getting divorced… job uncertainty, a break up, rediscovering myself and what I’m going to do next.. and I’m sitting in a diner slowly shoving home fries into my mouth. No one around me knows that I’m drowning even though it’s written all over my face.. the loud silence among a sea of people talking and connecting and I know I’m on the outside of it all. I’m not here but my body is. Plus I missed my doctors appointment with my psychiatrist which didn’t help.

I finish my meal and I feel good, nourished. I tip the waitress with pink hair who was kind and checked in with me if I was okay.

I went to get my nails done. A french gel manicure. I never did it before and it was great. I love it. Though here I zoned out mostly using music as an excuse asking if I could listen instead of talk. I drifted off here and there… stared out the window. They finished my nails.. they gave me a cute hand cream full sized as a gift , I was grateful. I tipped my nail tech. I realize this is a lot of work they could get away with charging more, I tipped more than 25 %. If I could have I’d of done more.

I went to grab some food for later, went to a Japanese market called dainobu and got a chirashi bowl with avocado, onigiri, and grabbed Starbucks even though the pay made my drink hot instead of cold.. I didn’t have the energy to correct it.

Being back, I freshened up, prepared for leaving tomorrow morning though I will wake up earlier so I can put together the last bit of my divorce papers…I ate my meal, and watched the Santa clause 2 and ignored part 3 because it fell off.. I waited for the holiday classics.. now snuggled under my covers with candy and a note book and Rudolph the red nose reindeer playing I write wondering how to take on the next parts of my life.. how to make my dreams come true.. how to make them happen. How to evolve into who I am becoming… the day of rest was needed the night of sleep was needed. Exhaustion has over powered me.

When I can I’ll write about my community they have helped me so much… I’m just too tired right now. But the rest was good..rest shouldn’t be a luxury..mental health care shouldn’t be a luxury but here it is. I can’t afford to take a week in this hotel I could have barely afforded the 2 nights…. But the cost of this vs doing nothing and possibly harming myself or having to go into psych care .. I’d rather pay than pay for he cost of death or being out away.

#original text #original writing #black mental health #black women

And god I hate him..

I hate that he made me feel seen..

I hate that he made me feel so seen that I will never want another man to touch me without feeling being able to do that

My heart and perspective has changed.. I’ve floated and coasted but never felt safe enough to land softly on my feet

When he looked at me, I always felt he truly was..

When I spoke he actually listened, intently.. to the point of discomfort for me..it was the first time someone listened to me without telling me I didn’t know how to explain or talk about anything in a way that made sense.

Bringing to the forefront things that should be normal and the bare minimum.. things I’ve done without willingly.. and he did them

As much as I want to hate him, my heart tries to fight my brain with the love I’ve felt..vs the logic of men being men and always doing something where “it’s always a man”..

My spirit feels abandoned..and shut out. Mutually… yet I know that we can’t be.. this part of the journey I must do alone.. even though I wanted nothing more than for him to hold my hand and be with me as I grow into the amazing woman I’ve aspire the be.. the woman that he reminded me that I wanted to be… it feels like a death..

Separation is normal, break ups happen… but like this ? I didn’t know it was possible..and I know that we won’t ever be together again in that way. We had our moment and we burned out like a star in the night.. this cycle is done.. and it hurts.. it hurts more than anything I’ve experienced.. it’s a settled ache that doesn’t go away..

And knowing that he isn’t going to.. and knowing that he won’t … and actively has made the choice to dedicate time to his life path genuinely as well as to not interfere with mine… makes it unbelievable..

To rather let me go because he knows he won’t show up as should fully ..instead of faking it and dragging it out.. he chose to break my heart.. I almost wish he did so he could hold me a little longer.

As much as the advice in relationships, if he wanted to he would.. why waste my time knowing you would do x ?… at one point he did, at one point he wanted to… but the moment he couldn’t he didn’t wait to tell me even though it was hard..

Maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I’ll begin to be callous with men.. and I won’t write things like this.. dry cry, and be sad.. understanding.. maybe I’ll get there.. bitter and with air quotes of course… bitterness isn’t for n pink reason. I just hope that my heart remains warm enough for when I fall for the right person for me..

#writing #original post #original writing #love #life

so my unexpected lover and I have called it quits..

A love that fizzled away before it could ever truly start..or have a real chance..

Both knowing this was too good to true..but it was true.. it was too good.. but it wouldn't last.

I have felt care in such a way.. I've never felt before.. I'm hurt.. but not as hurt as I am sad.. heartbroken.

I felt love.. I felt seen.. left with a momento to 3 of him.. an umbrella .. a book with a note.. and a dingy zip up sweater.. That's all I have left.. That and journal full of memories and a romantic synopsis on chatgpt because I couldn't believe this truly was happening to me..

It's changed my perspective.. on men.. and what I should accept.. and what I shouldnt.. How well my partner should prioritize me if they want me in their life.. just as much as I would do.. What should be done.. I try to push the thought that I've been too easy.. because it didnt feel that way.. I was being wild and free, and got caught..

only to be released when I could no longer be balanced in the throws of life.. I knew.. I couldn't and wouldn't be okay with the little I would of recieved had I said okay.. He knew it too... and thats what hurts the most..is it wouldnt matter too much.. would of had to be changed, and bent to make us work.. and though mutual.. the fact that he wouldnt let me push myself aside to make it work.. because I would of.. has shown me that real love and actual care.. relationship aside..

.. they would never want you to put yourself last.. for them. And I recall in my marriage.. that they were perfectly fine with me saying my dreams werent important if that meant pushing him and us forward.. and here.. someone who sees that I would do it.. wouldnt let me do it.. ..referring to end the connection knowing he couldn't allow it.. and I wouldn't have felt right about it either tables flips..

truly a real case of alignment. gone amidst..my heart.. aches.. so much.

Thoughts

As I approach a new era of my life.. and having new experiences I see fear and insecurity has begun to make it's presence known by creeping to the forefront.

Just as I've begun to really feel good in myself suddenly I feel myself pushing through paralysis. In many ways this movement is what I've always dreamed of.. key word is "dreamed"..

I've gotten to a point in my life where that's all I thought this would be my life would be nothing but an expected pattern of mediocrity that I've seen around me. I can count on one hand who in my immediate family has "made" something for themselves and who has almost made it, barely scratched the surface or did the work and let life take them astray..

Now it's all in my hands, I've escaped the or rather I've deviated from the pattern. I've reinvested in my education and will continue to do so, I've taken the steps to end a marriage that took from me to the point of losing myself, I've gotten a job in the very heart of the world that I wish to be apart of, I've begun to create more relationships with people and reignite creating emotional connections with friends.. I've even dabbled into the feelings of letting love into my life but not letting it becoming everything in my life to where I drop it all and lose me again.

This is the first point in my life where I have stepped outside of my comfort zone to such a capacity that internally I feel overwhelmed. Everything I've done up to this point and i can say to put it in a nutshell.. "putting myself first" and actually doing it is a first. I have no idea what that looks like.. It makes me realize .. every time I've been called selfish by my ex it wasn't. Everytime I thought I was putting myself first...buying myself things, allowing myself to breathe and rest, being myself ..

Thinking being selfless was, putting everyone else above me.. making sure they were okay, even when I wasn't explicitly asked to, creating and giving the most of me and the best of me until I couldnt anymore..being selfless meant suffering.. it meant pushing myself to breaking point as long as everyone else is fine..

Now, Im in a space where putting myself first is imperative to my livelihood as a woman. Anything and everything, from spending time with friends, spending on myself, giving myself space and room to be a woman, to take care of myself, to nurture the relationships in my life that are good.. to nurture the relationships where the other person sees me as i am, loves me as I am, and accepts me as I am...

No one is trying to change me.. At this stage I am looking to create a life that I can be happy living. Create an environment that is rich and fulfilling in multiple ways. Each year I want to blend that in further and further. Day by day, month by month.. God I am terrified but god I also know that I can go back either.. because in that way I've become rigid and doing so would literally break every single bone in my body.. spiritually.. and I can't afford it.

#original post #original writing

Look at yourself

Moving in a way that’s beyond being comfortable

The anxiety of change sets in because some how the universe has done it again.

Put you in spaces and with people you deemed out of your reach.

Given so much but no idea what to do with them.

How can you get here and still find the gall to believe you’re not good enough?

To be loved, to learn, to develop

Why has this one thing triggered me so much the same thing that brings me joy?

Lately..

Just like that truth and reality begins to seep through the surface.

You find yourself crying at 7 am confused, not sure if it’s trauma leading you and cycles gone.. or if god is finally giving you the sign that this isn’t it.

It’s starting to become hard again

Are they doing it on purpose?

Are they truly sleeping that way because it’s comfortable or is it to avoid being too close to you?

To be valued for your beauty and desired is so so easy… playing a part

But to be seen as beautiful with and without it on, the mask

And still be wanted and to be seen it’s hard to believe that even a person who’s clearly flawed and as human as me..

Could even fathom being in love me

I know I’m not being crazy. I know my feelings are real. I wish I could be matter of fact. To the point.. real.

#original writing #original post