Tumbl with Liz

NSFW Slightly older submissive woman with highly kinky inclinations. Kik me: naughtymissliz, [email protected], or message me on here.  Sometimes a bit switchy for younger ladies. Always happy to chat!

[naughtymissliz]

Mindful Liz

Well I was thinking more over the weekend and I realised I have to do something about my not entirely wonderful mental state over the last few weeks! It has been a few things. The medical anxiety kicked it all off, then the heatwave that’s gone on for just a bit too long has been a bit too much for me and has also interfered with my sleep, and then finally getting ill. It’s all got on top of me and that’s before we add in the Ms Crush induced anxiety.

So I did some reading into Mindfulness. My summary of what I’ve learnt is that mindfulness aims to make you calmer by having you focus less on things that don’t matter to the present, for example ruminating on the past or worrying about a hypothetical future. Oh I’m doing a lot of that.

When I started to read about it I thought “Great! this will make me more present when I’m with her!”. Then a bit later I realised that I was probably right, but I’m looking at everything the wrong way around. It will make me more present when I’m not with her. I will think of her less because she is rarely important to my present. I have known for a while that this is important but this is the first time I’ve felt like I have a plan to make it happen. In turn, thinking of her less when she’s not around will improve my ability to handle her when she is, because I’ll be a calmer person and hopefully I won’t find her so stressful and put so much importance on every single interaction with her!

So I have begun to use her presence in my mind as a trigger. I don’t think I can or should try to curtail passing thoughts, but when I notice she is lingering I try to focus on my surroundings, on my sensations, on my breathing. I already feel a lot calmer and a lot more optimistic about being able to behave like a normal person again!

A second important aim I’ve come across is to train a heightened awareness of thoughts. Thoughts aren’t something you have conscious control over, and they aren’t things that you need to act upon. I saw thoughts being described like buses. They arrive and they depart, but you don’t have to get on each one. I found this a very illustrative metaphor and I feel like it’s given me a new perspective! I have had a lot of trouble while at work of having negative and insecure thoughts compelling me to do things that were a little bit silly. Chasing after her, trying to grab her attention to affirm that she still likes me, etc. I need to begin to recognise when this happens and see such thoughts as being something unhelpful that has arrived uninvited into my mind, which will leave on its own without me having to do anything.

I have been gradually realising that we can have a good relationship, but I have made it so important to me that if I approach it in the obsessive way my mind wants me to then I’ll never achieve it. So from now on, my relationship with her is not about her, it’s about me.

I am of course still very curious to see if she is sticking to her different hours. I am taking tomorrow off sick and Tuesday I will probably work from home, so that will give us some space which will be helpful for me and for her if she actually is avoiding me. I am going to have to change my hours next week around medical appointments and will probably end up similar to her adjusted hours. I haven’t decided how I’m going to play that yet! And of course, the answer is that I shouldn’t decide yet, because it’s a future worry and by the time I need to solve it, I will have a lot more information and will be able to make a better decision.

[naughtymissliz]

Liz’s weekly review

Well dear followers it has been a dreadful end to a dreadful week, because I have caught a cold of some kind and I feel horrible. Having a fever during a heatwave is not pleasant. But things might be looking up slightly with Ms Crush.

I stuck to my plan over Ms Crush and didn’t talk start any conversations with her. We had a brief kitchen interaction this morning as she came in while I was in there. I was using the sink and had my back to the door, and she loudly and slightly aggressively said “alright!” which was a bit out of character. I said hello. We exchanged a few words about the amount of water in the kettle. That was it. Afterwards I wondered what it all meant - did she say “alright!” because she thought “oh no, Liz again, this is awkward” and put on a brave face and overdid it? Well, probably not, probably it was just the way she chose to announce her presence rather than wait for me to turn around and trip over her, so there’s nothing to understand.

Later on she surprised me by including me in a conversation. Someone else had wandered over and they were talking about the cold he’d had since last week, and she blurted out “Liz has been coughing this morning!”. So I joined in and the three of us had a little chat about that. She even made eye contact when she addressed things to me. Suddenly I’m thinking I’ve got it all wrong. She’s not avoiding me, she’s not uncomfortable with me, she’s just been a bit quiet and I’ve filled in the gaps.

This is important. Immediately before this happened I was seriously thinking of going and pouring my heart out to a colleague who has been quite open with me about having similar problems in not knowing whether people like him or how to interpret their interactions with him. The ironic thing is that he’s lovely and I can’t imagine anyone disliking him, but you try telling him that! That I had such a sudden change of heart when such a small thing happens told me that I really don’t have a clue what’s going on!

She left at four, which she does sometimes to pick up her son. I suspected she might and as I was feeling rough I was toying with the idea of saying “oh what a coincidence, I’m leaving early too because I'm ill and I’ve had enough”. But I decided against it because firstly I’m probably contagious so she does actually have a good reason to avoid me right now, and secondly because I was feeling a bit woozy by this point so I was hardly going to be at my best!

So the jury is still out on whether she’s shifted her hours to avoid me or not.

I’m still very unsure about things. My reason for becoming suddenly so defensive this week is that I suspected she’d changed her hours to avoid me and she got funny with me when I asked her what time she was leaving one day. But it’s far from conclusive. She would only have done this in response to me being a bit difficult with her on one single occasion last week for which I did have a good excuse, and she did seem OK with for the rest of the week. It would be a big overreaction on her part. She has worked those hours before and it might be nothing to do with me so perhaps I’m being over-sensitive by taking it personally. She might have got funny with me because she was worried in light of last week that I would take offence and she didn’t want to navigate that. I can interpret things in any way I like really. She’s definitely cooled on me but it may be that initially she just had something else on her mind and she’s since responded to me backing off her. I just don’t know.

I’m not sure that simply avoiding her indefinitely is a good idea because it’s a matter of whether my emotional endurance can hold up, and now I’m thinking maybe I’m reading things a bit harshly and making a big thing of it in my own mind.

I definitely need to be careful with her and limit expressing much affection towards her, but I’m not sure I should stop being friendly altogether. There is nothing wrong with being a little bit friendly to someone! It’s not like she can report me to HR for trying to talk to her sometimes. I think it is important that I put a lid on these doubts I have and just behave like a normal person with her. If I am weird with her, either by avoiding her or trying to get her to tell me more than I’m really entitled to, she will probably respond by being weird with me.

I also need to consider that time sometimes solves problems and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of patience to let the bigger picture emerge or to let feelings subside a bit. I don’t need to solve every problem right now and I can make more problems by trying to. At the moment part of me hopes that if I’m aloof with her she’ll say “what’s wrong?” and I can force her into a showdown and get some answers, but what would I achieve with that really? If she denied there being any problem then I’m not sure I’d believe her, and she’d be justified in saying “Liz there is nothing wrong and this is the second time you’ve asked me that!” and getting huffy. I’d burn through her patience quite quickly. I have much more to gain by being friendly but careful with her.

Overall though, I’ve decided that my cold will be quite bad, especially in this heatwave, and I will definitely need Monday off and possibly Tuesday as well. I really need a break from being at work and worrying about Ms Crush. I’m looking forward to a nice relaxing 3 or possibly 4 day weekend and I’m not going to think about her until I see her again.

[naughtymissliz]

Liz tries to take back control

Well dear followers I had a personal success today. It’s not a good thing to see me writing three times in three days, but here we are. I decided to assert control today and not let her manipulate me anymore. I told myself before she came in that I would avoid speaking to her unless I had to. It turns out I didn’t have to at all, so we didn’t speak to each other today. I feel better about it.

The next problem is that at some point she may ask me what’s wrong. She might not, but it’s a question I should be prepared for because I don’t want to be passive-aggressive and say “nothing” or “oh I didn’t know you were talking to me” because that is unhelpful to both of us. This is about me and being the best person I can be. If she asks, I want to get her to understand that I’m not being unreasonable and I am purely responding to her behaviour. The best I can come up with now is something like “Well.... I just feel that lately you haven’t wanted to talk to me. A few weeks ago you seemed to really enjoy my company and then you suddenly went cold with me. I don’t know where I am with you.”

[naughtymissliz]

And breathe...

Yesterday was just one of those days. I got quite frustrated about a lot of things. I felt a lot better today and the reason for that is because I chatted to a few other people instead who actually seemed to enjoy talking to me and I suddenly wondered why I was wasting so much effort on her.

We got some kitchen time a bit later. She was fine with me for a while but then I asked what time she was leaving. Instead of just telling me that we wouldn’t leave together, she became evasive and started waffling about being very busy. I’d say I made her uncomfortable by asking, but really I think she made herself uncomfortable by not wanting to simply say she wouldn’t leave with me. It was a conversation killer.

I handled it well, I just said “well if you’re leaving around 4:30, I will be too” then I changed the subject and carried on and didn’t take it personally. I don’t really mind that much, I just want to know whether I’m waiting for you or not! This experience focuses things for me. It’s tempting to get passive aggressive or make the odd unhelpful sarcastic remark that she won’t know whether to take seriously or not, because I am finding it perplexing and frustrating that she has suddenly gone cold on me and it would be an outlet for that frustration. But it’s very unproductive, and in this case, by avoiding that, I came off well and she came off a bit poorly. She got flustered over nothing and I helped her get out of it. I’m sure she realised that. That’s satisfying in itself.

I won’t say I’m sure she’s not avoiding me, but it’s obviously true that she is very busy and I’ve noticed before that she doesn’t seem to handle pressure very well - in fact, most of the pressure she experiences at work is exaggerated by being self-inflicted.

I’ve been thinking about this and I think one of the reasons I find her so difficult lately is that the woman she tries to be at work is not the woman she really is. She pretends to be self-assured, self-confident and outgoing, and when she’s happy she is... but... She’s a woman of many contradictions. She puts herself under pressure because she’s insecure, and then she becomes subdued. Suddenly the confident and friendly woman you knew has vanished. It makes her a bit unpredictable.

[naughtymissliz]

Life goes on

Well I hoped things would change a bit with Ms Crush but they don’t seem to have, really. Last Monday I embarrassed myself and part of the problem was that in the morning I’d tried three different lines of conversation with her and got one word responses to each one. I partly justified my later paranoia by saying she hadn’t been very talkative with me in the morning. She told me it was because she’d had a very busy weekend and was tired, which I think she was.

She came in later today. She came into the kitchen while I was in there, we exchanged pleasantries, then when that didn’t go anywhere I said “I know it’s Monday morning so don’t feel like you have to talk to me”, and she made a very awkward laugh. I didn’t say it to make her uncomfortable, I meant it more as a bit of an icebreaker, but also slightly genuinely! Then someone else came in and I had finished so I left. I think she was tired again judging by her caffeine consumption today.

Because she came in later I assumed she would stay later, so 10 minutes before our usual leaving time I packed up my things and left without asking if she was leaving soon. I wonder how she took that. I didn’t do it to be passive aggressive, I am just self conscious about asking her in front of other people and getting told ‘no’. I am self conscious about how much effort other people think I might be putting in with her. I don’t want people to see me putting in a lot of effort only to be brushed off.

One problem for me is that since I made a mess last Monday she’s been very elusive. I wasn’t in on Tuesday. She did a half day and left very early on Wednesday. She was supposed to leave early on Thursday but ended up leaving almost at normal time (and I caught her up, because I was in a meeting that was just finishing as she left), and she wasn’t in on Friday. Then today she left late. So I did walk part way with her on Thursday but she didn’t expect that to happen, so I can’t say she chose it. Maybe she isn’t avoiding me but you can see how I might get that impression.

She’s always gone hot and cold on me ever since she started. She’d probably deny it and it might even surprise her to know I think so, but I’ve always perceived it and it’s always confused me. I never know where I stand with her because just as I think things are going well she goes cold on me. I think I need to learn to not take it personally and try not to embarrass myself during the frosty periods. But at the moment I’d be quite happy if she moved to the other end of the office. Part of me wants to email my boss and tell him I won't be in for the rest of the week because I'm tired of the emotional stress of her.

Tomorrow is a new day...

[naughtymissliz]

Liz has made a mess

Well dear followers, I made a complete mess of it. I had hoped that she would be warmer to me throughout the day and my concerns would be alleviated but that didn’t happen. We had a kitchen meeting first thing and she was very untalkative. I tried three different lines of conversation and quickly met a dead end on each one. I know she had a busy weekend and she was probably tired but of course I didn’t perceive it like that; I saw it as confirmation that she doesn’t want to talk to me.

Then she left at our ‘normal time’ without asking if I was leaving. I didn’t really know what to do so I hurried after her and then I said “Can I ask you something... do you mind walking with me?”. The look on her face told me I didn’t say it quite as subtly as I had intended. Quite the opposite. I think she felt had accused her of neglecting me. She was a little taken aback and said “Of course I don’t mind, why would I?” and then quickly told me that she thought I was working late to make up some time for tomorrow and didn’t want to say it out loud because she wasn’t sure who else I’d told. A slightly flimsy excuse really as she could have still asked, but I’d given her no indication I was leaving, so... why should she?

I picked the worst time to say it because she thought that she’d grossly offended me by not asking if I was leaving, which makes me seem oversensitive and I don’t want her to think she has to manage my fragile emotions. In reality it was more a culmination of things, but I could have asked the question in a more casual setting, without the accusatory tone, in a “just checking!” sort of way.

I blamed it on anxiety over my ‘procedure’ tomorrow and she seemed understanding. And it’s true, I’m not feeling very happy about it. But I’m extremely displeased with myself. I apologised quite a few times and I feel bad about how it went. I will feel very sheepish when I see her on Wednesday. I hope it won’t cause any problems with the way she sees me. I feel like I should email her tonight and apologise and tell her I enjoy walking with her and I was just concerned she might feel I was imposing myself upon her and it came out horribly wrong, but these things are best said in person - and perhaps without a paper trail!

[naughtymissliz]

Options

Well, I’ve been thinking more and I am very confused. I was overly negative when I wrote before. A few things in my mind weren’t fully correct and things probably aren’t as bad as I perceived. On Friday she was on and off her phone most of the day so I am sure she had other things on her mind. It is correct though that she has suddenly seemed a bit aloof with me the past week, which may or may not be explained by her being distracted by other things. I find her hard to read in the sense that she seems so outwardly confident that I don’t really consider that she worries about things, which is a bit silly because I’ve seen her get quite stressed by things that wouldn’t really bother me.

So, broadly, my options are to continue as if nothing has changed, ask her directly, or be a bit more distant.

The problems with each are obvious, really. If nothing has changed and I become more distant she’ll think I don’t like her and then we confuse each other by neither of us knowing where we stand with the other. If something has changed and I continue in the same way then I’ll cause friction. If I ask her directly I risk making something of nothing, and if she has other things on her mind she’ll probably find it annoying that I’m giving her another problem (i.e. me!).

I am completely at a loss which way to go though. I hope it will become more obvious after I see her and see how she responds to me tomorrow.

[naughtymissliz]

Bumps in the road

Well, I feel that everything is not going quite so well now but I don’t really know why. When I posted last week I said “sometimes she even seems pleased to see me!” and at the time that seemed to be true, but this week I just haven’t felt it at all. She was bad tempered last Thursday, then seemed quiet until Tuesday but I put that down to her being worried about something that was happening on Wednesday that had her out of the office. And I think I was right because on Thursday and Friday this week she seemed chattier...  but not with me. We walked together on Thursday evening and she barely said anything. That was OK because I was talking a lot and she was listening, but afterwards I felt I was talking more at her than to her. On Friday she was chatting away to the person she sits next to before we left, so I thought I would stay quieter and let her talk but the moment we left she didn’t seem to want to.

We only saw each other once in the kitchen on Thursday and Friday and she happened to be fiddling with her phone at the time and she completely ignored me. I did start to wonder if she was avoiding me in there. She would usually go straight into the kitchen to make a drink after lunch and so would I, but today we both got back from lunch at the same time and she didn’t do that. Am I reading too much into this? She used to be bubbly and chatty with me. She used to smile when she saw me. When her train was delayed last week and we saw each other walking in, she beamed and waved enthusiastically when she saw me. The next day we didn’t see each other but she said to me “I did look for you!”. In the space of a week she has gone from visibly enjoying my company to being completely indifferent to my existence!

I don’t understand it. Nothing has changed; I haven’t got overconfident and made any awkward passes at her!

To add to my insecurity she came in and left later on Friday. I did not intend to leave as late as I (we) did, but I got caught in a meeting and then something else came up and then I went and had a two minute chat with someone else that turned into 10 minutes and I only broke it off because I saw her packing up her things! I left 30 minutes later than usual. So I think.... maybe she came in later just to avoid me and she was annoyed I stuck around!

Now I am thinking I should ask her on Monday if she’s happy to keep walking with me instead of just presuming its OK! Or maybe I should throw the ball back into her court and leave 5 minutes earlier and see if she seems offended.

I am not feeling entirely calm at the moment. I have written before about becoming anaemic and next week I have the first of several, well, let’s call them “tests”. I still don’t expect it to be anything serious, but I’m feeling anxious about the process, especially now it feels very close.

[naughtymissliz]

Contentment

Well dear followers, I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been a lot happier in general this past few weeks. I have had lots of time with Ms Crush and she is definitely more comfortable with me than she was. I also notice that she can get a bit snappy with some people when she’s stressed or tired but she is always more patient with me. Sometimes I even think she’s pleased to see me!

I keep trying to do small nice things for her and I’m not doing very well at it really but it seems to be working. She ends up with a few menial tasks like making drinks for the boss and visitors and having to do all the washing up and even some cleaning, which I don’t really approve of (why do we pay cleaners?)... So a few times now I’ve tried to surprise her by making her a drink or doing her washing up. I’ve not really had a huge amount of success with this - for example yesterday I made her a cup of tea when she left her mug in the kitchen but she really wanted a cup of coffee. She was quite stroppy in general yesterday and I could see she was having an internal battle over which emotion would win between being annoyed I’d deprived her of a cup of coffee and being flattered I’d thought of her! She accepted it a little begrudgingly at the time, although she did thank me properly later on and seemed more grateful. I’ll keep trying!

I’ve learnt a few things that made my ears perk up. She lives in a surprisingly rough area in a surprisingly small house. She’s very middle class but the area she lives in is not, so I doubt her partner earns much. She told me that he often works long hours and isn’t around evenings and weekends leaving her to manage her kids, which I think she can find a bit exhausting. Meanwhile I'm here in a bigger house in a nicer area and getting home at reasonable hours... Doesn't she know what she's missing out on?

[naughtymissliz]

Contrast

Well dear followers, let me start by saying that last week was a big improvement. I spent quite a bit of time with Ms Crush but I also lost interest in her a little bit. I still like her but she lost her magic. I felt much better in general. I barely thought about her over the weekend and I didn’t care it was a long weekend, meaning three days without her!

This week has been a bit of the opposite. I’ve found her frustrating. And annoying! Annoying in that if she’d been in at her normal time today we probably would have walked part way in together but instead she drove in and arrived 45 minutes later. Annoying in that she usually does the washing up first thing each morning just as I am going to make a cup of tea and we’d often have a nice chat, but this week she’s been getting in later and not doing it. Annoying in that she seems to be working too hard. The boss isn’t in this week and she’s obviously putting herself under pressure to get a lot done for when he comes back! Don’t stay sat at your desk for almost three hours without moving, it’s not healthy either mentally or physically... But I am also annoyed with myself. When we have ended up in the kitchen together, my brain has felt foggy and I’ve not made the best of it, so she probably feels I’ve cooled on her a bit as I haven’t had a chance to explain the reason I’ve not been very alert, which leads me on to the next thing...

I’ve felt a lot of things but what I have felt the most is unwell. This week has been the first time that I’ve thought that I might need to start taking time off work if I don’t start to feel better. I have a specialist appointment in a few weeks, so we’ll see where that goes. My anaemia had been improving but I lost some more blood last week so it will have gone backwards a bit. I probably did too much over the weekend and tired myself out. I’m not worried about it and I really don’t think it’s anything serious, but when I feel ill I am sure it frays my emotions.

[naughtymissliz]

The Bi-Polar crush

Well, dear followers, this week has been wonderful. We had a lot more time together and she seems quite happy again. I knew she was upset on Friday so I did give her a bit of an unsolicited pep talk anyway after asking if things were going any better. I knew she’d felt defeated and I was trying to explain to her that our boss is fussy and will criticise but he doesn’t mean it personally even though at the time you may feel it personally. When I said “...you might sometimes get it wrong and feel a bit, oh, what’s the word, defeated...” she started laughing as if I’d read her mind.

On Tuesday as she was leaving I asked if she was walking up to the station and left with her. On Wednesday I saw her in the morning and arrived with her. Wednesday afternoon as she was preparing to leave she asked me if I was leaving soon(!) and waited a few minutes for me. So we left together and arrived together - people will start talking!

I know that this might not happen again very often. I know that things might change and opportunities like this might get sparser. But I’m happy I’m making the most of them now to build a stronger relationship.

On Thursday I had a doctor’s appointment and arrived quite late. She knew and had wished me luck with it the evening before without me reminding her! As soon as I came in and sat down she asked how I was. We’ve had lots of kitchen time and the awkward silences we used to get sometimes are mostly replaced by giggles. She joked that another colleague was trying to join our club when he walked in on us three times over two days. However we are both unimpressed by his tea etiquette as he puts the milk and the bag in together before adding water. One day next week I will find an article online saying this is unacceptable and I’ll put it in a ‘tea club newsletter’ email to them both and hopefully make her giggle ... or at least roll her eyes at me!

Oh I started to ramble, but she obviously cares and enjoys my company and I’m very pleased.

But tonight I don’t feel happy at all, because she’s not in tomorrow! I suspected she wouldn’t be but my heart sank when I heard her say it. I felt crushed. I felt despair. It’s so overly dramatic, but I did. I used to have more mixed feelings about her taking holiday or working from home, because it gave me a bit of time off from the stress of her, but now, I don’t feel that at all.

It’s such a confusing thing. Being happy that a friendship is going well and enjoying spending time with that person is perfectly normal. But going from  happy and satisfied to feeling crushed within a matter of minutes when you realise you’re not going to see them the next day... that’s not quite so normal.

Although, writing this out has reminded me that things have gone very well recently and I feel a lot happier again! So I need to keep things in perspective.

[naughtymissliz]

Ups and downs (mine and hers respectively)

Well dear followers, my work crush took an unexpected turn this week as for the first time since she started, we ended up walking up to the station together. Such a big step! We don’t usually leave at the same time, and I don’t usually get the train, but the stars aligned on two different days this week.

She surprised me by pouring her heart out about having difficulties dealing with our boss, finding him intimidating and even telling me she keeps expecting to be fired. She always seems so confident and self assured. This is a completely different side to her!

On the one hand, I’m elated that she trusts me enough to confide in me like this, and I managed to follow it up the next morning with some pre-rehearsed reassurance which seemed to make her happy - not sure if it was what I said, or just that she appreciated seeing that I cared! We were becoming closer anyway, but this really pushed it along.

But I’m also concerned that she’s being too hard on herself and might not stick the job. Personally, I think she has absolutely nothing to worry about - she’ll handle him more easily as she learns her ‘boss skills’ and she’ll find his bark is worse than his bite.

She seemed happier after we talked but she had a set back the following day. After using her initiative and being proactive, she felt she’d been told off for doing the wrong thing. We didn’t really get to talk after that, but she seemed stressed. I’m not sure whether to bring it up this week. I want to reassure her, I want to tell her she’s wonderful and she’ll be fine and as she finds her ‘boss skills’ she’ll find him less intimidating, I want to tell her that if she ever needs to talk I’m always happy to have an impromptu tea break or even pop outside for a bit.

But I don’t want to pry too much and I don’t want to come on too strong. As my interest in her is at least somewhat romantic, I find myself thinking “if she tells her partner what I say to her, will he start getting suspicious? Will he get jealous? Will he tell her to keep a bit more distance from me?”... I have some leeway as he would hardly expect that she would be my type(!) and so not expect romantic interest to come from me, but I can’t push my luck too much. Well, I could try to make him jealous and cause problems, but that’s a bit of a high risk and slightly Machiavellian strategy!

[naughtymissliz]

Ups and downs

Well, after my happy message yesterday, today was not so positive and I feel a bit down. I felt a bit horrible this morning (anaemia related I presume) and I didn’t get any sympathy from Ms Crush! She was preoccupied by some car troubles and she is driving a long way tomorrow so she had to leave at lunch to take it to the garage. Despite this I timed three ‘coincidental’ kitchen visits with her, but it was only on the last one that I really felt like chatting, and she listened, but she obviously had other things on her mind. I know I am doing the wrong thing here. The time I have spent with her recently has been mutually enjoyable and rewarding, and I have been so pleased about that. Why am I trying to add this low quality time that I know neither of us really wants? I felt clingy and insecure. I know the anaemia is colouring my emotions, but that’s not an excuse and I need to stay in control!

To add to the insecurity, we also had the news this afternoon that the office building has been or will be bought by new owners and I don’t know what they intend to do with it. Moving to a new office is potentially disastrous as I almost certainly won’t continue to sit so close to her. As much as I’ve tried to adopt a more healthy attitude, little can change the fact that I’ve worked at a small company for long enough that I’m a bit bored of my job, which leaves me no room to progress further. She is the part of my job I most enjoy. The thought of seeing her makes me happy to get up in a morning! If we see much less of each other then I am not sure how appealing my job will be and I might well decide it’s time to move on. But we’ll see what happens.

[naughtymissliz]

Liz’s Life

Well dear followers it’s been a strange few weeks. I haven’t been feeling well recently and I today learnt that I am a bit anaemic. This explains a lot of things, like where my sex drive has gone!

This seems like it should be depressing but the truth is there’s been quite a silver lining. I felt quite dreadful Monday afternoon and although I didn’t say anything to anyone and nobody else passed any comment, Ms Crush noticed and fussed over me quite a lot the following morning. She kept telling me to tell someone if I feel bad and need help getting home, she seemed genuinely quite concerned! So our relationship has not really gone where I wanted it to, but she notices and she cares, and I found that very heartening. It’s almost worth being ill for! So physically I could be better, but emotionally I am quite content.

[naughtymissliz]

Liz’s plan in review

A review of my plan to back off from overcrowding my crush:

It worked out quite well. On Monday and Tuesday I didn’t go into the kitchen once while she was in there. If she was thinking I follow her in on purpose because I am desperate for her attention then she’d be right, but she should no longer think so. Today (Wednesday) I went in once but it was straight after lunch and I always go in at that time anyway, so I let myself do it. I’ve got her to walk in on me quite a few times, twice each day I think, so I’ve still had a lot of time with her! (and she thinks it’s her fault)

I am still being temperamental. On Monday I felt calm and in control. Tuesday I felt a bit dissatisfied with myself because I didn’t feel very chatty. My fault, not hers. Wednesday first thing I felt frustrated because she was fiddling on her phone when I came in and she ignored me, but then we got chatty later. Wednesday was very good really, but... as I saw her getting ready to leave I really needed the loo... I hoped I would catch her and say goodbye one to one in the corridor as I returned to the office, but actually as I returned I just glimpsed her from behind as she went through door at the other end. I missed her by about 30 seconds and I felt a bit bad about it, which sounds silly.

I don’t think she will be in the office tomorrow, but I’m not fully sure. Some days I find her stressful and as I walk up the stairs in a morning I think “it’d be really nice if she wasn’t in today”. But as I had a good day with her today, I feel a bit down knowing she won’t be in tomorrow! Often I feel like the main reason to go to work is to see her and if she’s not in, I’m not really sure what the point of it is!

Something else I have to confess is that we have an iPhone at work and I’ve been quite enjoying using it to the point of thinking I might buy one for myself. Part of me wasn’t sure how much I really wanted one, though, and how much of it is that Ms Crush also has an iPhone and I thought it would impress her and make me feel part of the club! Well, today, I was talking to her about it and she was much less enthused by her phone than I expected. She doesn’t see much difference between it and her previous Samsung phone. Suddenly I’m much less keen, which answers that question!

[naughtymissliz]

Self restraint

Sorry dear followers but the title does not refer to anything naughty, this is another post about my ongoing work crush.

Overall it has gone a lot better over the last few weeks. She has been very friendly and chatty and I’ve felt quite calm with it. However I have been crowding her a little bit with our not entirely coincidental kitchen schedules and on Friday morning my arrival in the kitchen was greeted with a somewhat sarcastic “oh what a surprise”. Later on I noticed when she next went for a drink she didn’t take her mug, and I wondered if she did it on purpose to throw me off the scent! But 30 seconds after the sarcastic “what a surprise” she was chatting away very happily to me, and she butted into a conversation later on to respond to something I said, so I might be over-analysing it a bit. Maybe she’s noticed but she doesn’t mind and just finds it amusing.

Regardless, it makes me realise I need to back off a little bit. I don’t want to come across as needy. I don’t know if I mind her suspecting how I feel but I don’t want her to work it out by first noticing I seem needy.

So I am going to exert some self restraint Monday and Tuesday and not intentionally end up in the kitchen at the same time as her unless I have an obvious excuse like going in with someone else too. If she believes I’m doing it on purpose this will confuse her! I will still try to time things so she walks in on me (which is easier than it sounds, but not as easy as I wish it was), but she can hardly blame me if she comes in when I’m there!

I have found the whole situation difficult for a number of reasons. Normally to get over someone you would try to stop seeing them but that’s not possible when she sits a few feet away from me 8 hours per day at work. Given that I have to see her, I want the best possible relationship I can have with her, which means being friendly and open. To begin with I found it difficult to know how much effort and attention I should be spending on her. I didn’t want to ignore her and make her think she couldn’t talk to me, but sometimes I go too far the opposite way.

For the next two days I’m really saying that I won’t try to make her pay me any attention. It might happen, but I won’t push it! Previously I would have found this difficult and there would have been a little nagging voice in my head telling me I need to talk to her, but now things between us are much more established, perhaps it will be easier, and perhaps (optimistically!) I will be calmer knowing I have no expectations of myself.

[naughtymissliz]

Crush crush

I have been thinking more about the work crush. I find it confusing because I perceive mixed signals from her, as I said the last time I wrote. Sometimes I am almost sure there is something between us, and other times there’s not even a hint. It seems unlikely that she would be romantically interested in me, for obvious reasons. Part of me wants to say that the reason I have been so inexplicably attracted to her is because we are perfect for each other and if so she should see it too. But I don’t know if I really believe that.

So I think I need to remember three things:

1. She can be friendly without being romantically interested in me

2. She can be romantically interested in me and enjoy some curiosity and excitement from it, without having any serious intention of acting upon it

3. I need to stop thinking about her when I’m not at work!