NealTRD

I'm just trying to survive

[thebest-memes]

Oh Ron.

[nealtrdwindings]

This is an official challenge to my day, to hit me again. This time hard enough to knock me out.

-Caleb Windings-

[nealtrdwindings]

Entry 3- looks mean everything (apparently)

So, I meet this pretty girl, fantastic personality, sings amazingly (not a must have but is a nice) and I think could possibly be a very nice person to pursue a relationship with. Too good to be true? Uhhhh yeah! Of course. Cute and talented girl and an overweight red-headed kid with problems too big for a sweet girl. The fact that I went after her was laughable but I did and I failed hardcore. So what do you do when you meet this girl, you get to know her! So after a couple of weeks texting her, setting your alarm for 6:45 even though you don't have to we awake until 9, so you can send her a text wishing her a good day and telling her that she is beautiful so that maybe some of the hurtful things that people say in the day, don't get to her as much. You know, stuff like that, I may be a head case but I'm a head case with a sweet heart. I decide to take a leap, ask her out on a date. Whhhhaaaaa? For real? I know it's crazy right? I guess so but she says yeah! Things are going great, until out of the blue, she stops texting me for no apparent reason. I'm left wondering is it something I said? I did? Was my hair not good enough in my snapchats? I don't know, I was pretty hurt. I didn't know what to do, so I just let it go. About a week later I see tweets from her about not having a boyfriend and no one likes her enough to have a relationship with her, but I just shut them out. Fast forward a couple of months and I get to see her for a week, because her school is doing a performance and I have the honor of running lights for the show, I was excited about getting the chance to be around her and talking to her more. This ended up going pretty well because I was able to talk to her and we began texting again, I take the leap I ask her if she wants to go out on a date again, once again she accepts, keeping my hopes up, I'm excited, this date is a week and half away and my stomach is in butterflies. Laaaaame, right?! It's my story, my feelings, I don't really care what anyone thinks. She says I'll have to talk to her dad, which is cool because I planned to do that anyway. I had the date planned out, I was super excited about this date, I continued to talk to and text her through the week, but started noticing the responses getting shorter and slower, I didn't think anything of it. Everyone gets busy, that's just how it goes. And then after the last show, she texts me and it hits me like a ton of bricks, when she texts me and explains she isn't looking for a relationship right now. Which I totally understand and can respect, there's no reason to jump into something that you aren't ready for. Which leads up to tonight. You probably already guessed but more tweets from her not complaining about not having a boyfriend, when I'm right here being perfect boyfriend material and such. What's wrong with me? Am I not smart enough or handsome enough? I don't see it, I was trying to be the best I could be, and I get spat on! Why can't I even get a chance?! I don't feel like I deserve that but I guess I'm wrong, because if a cuter guy would giver her attention, she'd be his in a heartbeat. I guess things will get better?! I don't know but I'm tired of not being good Enough for people who I'd drop anything for! I'll always have a soft spot for her, though. I can't get her out of my head, because I can only think of what it would've been like to be with such sweet girl!! Maybe she will come around and I'm so hopeless I'd be with her in a second. Until then here I am. Alone again (naturally). -NealTRD-

[nealtrdwindings]

Sometimes my faith in humanity is restored when I realize I have friends like Nathan Lange.

-Caleb Windings-

[nealtrdwindings]

Entry 2-sleep

Ha! Lately it doesn't really happen. The mind turns the hardest when it's finally quiet. When you need to sleep but you can only imagine what you can be doing productive while you're just laying there. Dreading the alarm! Will I wake up in time? Anxiety is a killer, but that's an idea for a separate post. Sleep, an idea that comes so easy to some, it's as easy as laying your head down. For me it's a time to reflect on on the choices I've made during the day and realize how it will turn around and smack me in the face later. Possibly the next day? Who knows? Sometimes you dread waking up because you don't know what's going to happen the next day. Is the crazy ex going to text? Is the cute girl I've been talking to actually going to text me back or has she just been leading me on again. A guy can dream right? No, he can't because dreaming requires a deep enough sleep. I feel like a zombie, yeah I make it through the day but let's be honest "I make it through the day" most of the time I'm wishing the day would end, I wish my life away but I'm still hopeful in finding a purpose and that life won't always be this dull, heaven forbid that optimism go away. I feel so tired and drained but, when I lay down to sleep or even take a nap, the attempt is useless. I'm too restless and anxious to sleep. It's beginning to effect my body in a harsh way. I begin to ache about thirty minutes into my day, but I have put on a good face so no one can tell what is going on. Laughing, smiling, telling jokes, you know, all of the social norms. I can act. What's wrong with that? Until next time. -NealTRD-

[nealtrdwindings]

Entry 1

I’m new to this, it’s kind of hard, if I’m being honest. I needed a place where I can place my problems but I won’t have the retarded responses of “relatives” I never see or “friends” who wouldn’t really understand what’s going on because they don’t know of the serious sides of me, even just typing that made me feel corny, but they won’t see it, it won’t matter. This is almost a journal more than anything. With my parents in the position they are in, there is little that I can do to express what I feel, because my parents have become some sort symbol to the community as a model and while people look to them for advice , a lot of people look for them to fall, and me dealing with my problems is no reason for them to be looked down on, I’m just trying to figure out who or what I am. Which I’ve been looking into lately, but I feel like the more I write, the more easy it is to analyze and fix. It’s hard to live in a world economically stimulated by a booming electronic and mechanical age, and not look at something broken, and attempt to fix it. So here I will try to fix me. let the games begin. -NealTRD-

[nealtrdwindings]

Everybody makes mistakes, I just make them well.

Neal TRD