my heart left bare

personal venting blog i don't feel like home

[solarless]

[solarless]

[neargrace-blog]

I love you, and it terrifies me.

[solarless]

[inkskinned]

on a scale of one to ten how sad are you.

you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five.  the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.

and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.

you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.  

maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -

“on a scale of one to ten,” he repeats into your silence, and then pauses. “and please be honest about this.”

[neargrace-blog]

You went to NY today. I’ve been doing my best to keep my emotions in check, and honestly everything was going well. Your mention of how you bought new sheets for us. Your message about how you missed me and hoped work was going well, just mere hours into you being in NY. It helped me feel better-- make me have no worries. But it just takes me seconds to see something that happened WEEKS ago and my stomach plummets. I know it has nothing to do with the now, but it just brings up so many of my insecurities. Am I enough? Would you be with me? Could we be happy together? 

I want to ask you what your idea on an official relationship would be when you come back. But the more we hang out and talk, the more terrified I am to ask. I don’t want to lose this comfort I get whenever I talk with you or we’re together. I don’t want to lose.. this. Everything with you. If you say that you don’t want a relationship, it’s going to rip me in half, even though I don’t want it to. And then you’ll know. You’ll know it’s what I wanted, what I was hoping to happen. Things will become tense. If I can’t have an official relationship with you, I’d rather feel the anxiety of keeping things as they are now instead of losing you all together.

I can feel myself falling for you, and it’s terrifying. It’s been so long since I’ve opened myself up like this, let someone see so much of me-- touch so much of me. I feel like I’m going to be sick. 

[neargrace-blog]

My clothes still smell of you— it’s surprising how quickly it made me so comfortable.

[neargrace-blog]

I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s been so long since I actually had feelings for someone locally to me, and to have you be just a 10 minute drive away makes me want to see you nearly always. I can sit with you in comfortable silence. Your kiss was so gentle, but the moment you bit on my lip drove me insane. I’ve wanted attention for so long, and to have it through someone as attractive as you is making me cling on too fast. I don’t want to seem too clingy, and so I try to distance my messages. Think of different things to say without sounding too desperate to see you again. But then you tell me to message you while you’re sleeping.. sending me hearts in your messages. I can’t tell if I’m being stupid or reading too far into things. My feelings are a mess. I feel like you’re an inspiration I need to better my life, that people like you do exist in this world and I could be better. We like so many of the same things.

The kiss on your cheek when you dropped me off at work. The smile when you said you’d be waiting for me to message you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a high before. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Your whimpers into my kisses. Your hands so desperately on my skin, grabbing. Tongues together, breathing ragged, bodies aching for more than just this. You, in my mouth. Flesh, hot. Moans, names thrown in gospel. Twice, that day. A kiss after which I had never experienced. I feel like you turn my mind into poetry.

And also fear. You mentioned sexual interactions like there was no feelings in what we did besides lust or thirst. I say to friends that if that is the case, I will be fine. That this is also something I wanted, and can hold off any emotions of my own from forming. But I lie. I can feel my emotions bubbling to the surface, in memory and in the crawling ache my skin has for oh to grasp onto my arms, to lick against my neck, to pull my lip into your mouth. “You’re so sexy”, you groan as your hands grab readily onto my ass. Your body twitches from the pleasures. I remember every movement, every breath. I cling onto the words you say, and I fee intoxicated.

This is too much for so soon. I’m looking too far into things, but want to dare believe you may like me as well. I’m unsure what to do with myself. But I still can’t help but want. Want so badly for this to be... something more.

[craigslits]

[neargrace-blog]

[neargrace-blog]

My phone got the notification at work today that you rejoined Discord. Seeing your name flash onto my screen sent my stomach spinning. I felt like I was going to be sick and cry at the same time. I still have our goodbyes saved on my phone, I can’t bring myself to delete the messages. I think about you a few times a week-- mostly thinking about how I miss you, or hoping you’re well. It bothers me how many times I went in and out of love with you, how long we’ve known each other, only for it to go away so quickly when you found a relationship. She was right to feel threatened, but for you to be gone is still just a kick in the chest to me. I sent you that friend request for Discord about 12 hours ago now. I still feel sick. You’re not going to respond, and I’m not going to feel better about any of this. I hope at least she’s treating you well. I hope it’s all working out. I hope you’d message me if things did change. I’ve left you messages on Tumblr, but you haven’t been on in months. Fucking shit, I miss you.

[solarless]

[neargrace-blog]

i feel like im wasting my time. on what in particular i’m not so sure, but i feel like i’m just.. withering. my head is constantly going off about how i need to save money, work more, be better, lose weight, then more about money and losing weight. just a constant cycle between those two really- over and over and over and over and over and over and over. it never sticks. i eat something i could go without eating. i spend money on something small because it is small and i shouldn’t be freaking out over 10 dollars but 10 dollars is so much money compared to spending no money on something small. i feel like my anxiety is running my life over. i think of things i want to be doing and should be doing and all i can think of two seconds later is how comfortable my bed might feel. or maybe i might want to play a game. my coping mechanisms are unhealthy and hard to break when it’s all i ever knew to help me. i need to go forward so badly. school, a car, moving. i want to think that once im out of this house things will be better because i’ll be with people that actually will support me and care about how i’m feeling. it’ll be clean and not negative and i can buy posters that make me feel good and put them on the walls. my cat can exit my room without being attacked by a dog or my family. i can have silence or blast my music. i can have a conversation within my own home without having to feel like there’s a barrier or like i need to hold back. but i know that once i leave there’s going to be more bills, more money need to be paid, more worrying about my family even though i feel like all they do is cause me trouble by being here. i need to work on myself so much but my depression and anxiety are just shoving me down. or am i just lazy and all i’m doing is using those as an excuse? what am i doing with my life? i know people think that every day, sometimes every morning or every minute. some of them are older than me and have more responsibilities than i do or went through worse. but none of that is comforting to me. hearing that isn’t comforting, that other people are suffering through this same feeling. all it makes me think is that maybe it won’t get better. maybe i’m always going to feel like this, even when i have a house and i’m settled. maybe i’m always going to think that i can be better. if i lose this amount of weight, if i get this car, if i go back to school, it’ll get better. but will it really? or will i just keep losing the weight, get lose in car payments, not keep up with my grades. what if i don’t ever find someone who will love me, what if i never understand myself, what if i just don’t know who i am anymore? why am i so desperate to live if all i ever want to do is not exist. i don’t want to die. i don’t want to stop living and stop seeing people, or even stop experiencing all of these feelings even though most of the time theyre just horrible. but i don’t understand why. 

[painfulhunger]

[neargrace-blog]

aanndd i got my hopes up

and you were just drunk 

i waited for your message all day for nothing 

but when i message you a second time it’s just small distant responses again

time to try and forget i had feelings for you again

[neargrace-blog]

fucking god i missed you

hearing your voice again was a breath of fresh air

hearing you say you missed me left my heart fluttering

that brief “i love you” sent me soaring

[the-sad-boy]