☺️💗🦋

Cw: 57 kg Ugw: 46kg

[nearlyglossy]

I swear to god I had recovered.

I didn’t get help or anything but I though I had gotten over this illness by myself, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m home alone tonight and my mum was calling me about what’s in the fridge for me to eat for dinner and I don’t know why but the flashback of how if I was home alone I used to not eat dinner just brought everything back.

Now I’m crying in my room thinking about if I should eat or not and I feel like maybe I didn’t recover at all.

[nearlyglossy]

this went from a fast day to a binge day so fucking fast 😭😭

[nearlyglossy]

I hate hate hate this.

It's like I'm stuck in this limbo where I'm not like restricting or anything and I'm at a healthy weight, but I still have all the thoughts. I don't want to get help because like I feel so pathetic cause I'm eating perfectly normally.

Sometimes I feel like I need to get so bad and unhealthy that I have to get help you know

[nearlyglossy]

Im just so tired of feeling like this. I have almost accidentally recovered, I guess. I just tried to stop thinking about it all, and my friend who is also recovering from an ed right now is helping. But it is so tempting to fall back in and if I do fall I really don't know if I can recover again, but I don't even think I would want to recover again. I've had this ed for almost two years now and I just don't know who I am without it, but worse I really don't think I even want to find out.

[nearlyglossy]

does anyone else get this where I get this urge that I have to eat that almost as if it won’t be there tomorrow??

Like I know I can always get these snacks in the future but somewhere on my brain I feel as if I have to eat it now because it might be the last opportunity or something??

[nearlyglossy]

Why do I enjoy being sick so much? Like I crave that feeling of feeling empty and sick...

[nearlyglossy]

I have grown so fucking lazy. I obsess and obsess every waking moment about being skinny yet I will go into the kitchen and eat anything and everything. It’s like I’m not even hungry I just eat and eat. I don’t know why I even do this to myself, I stay awake at night thinking about how I could easily be at my goal weight if I just fucking stop eating, but when it comes down to it I choose food again and again. Please tell me I am not alone in this.

[nearlyglossy]

i want to do a fast so bad rn!! it’s insane i used to be able to do like 35 hour ones and now i can’t go half a day without eating what happened?!?

any tips on how to get back to that??

[nearlyglossy]

my biggest inspo is having an outfit that i will look so good in once i’m skinnyyyy!! like i’m so excited to be able to properly wear crop tops and acc look good in them :)))

[nearlyglossy]

does anyone know of any ana coaches that would be willing to coach me?? :)))

really need one rn!!

[nearlyglossy]

it’s so sad to think i can’t remember a day in the last year i haven’t thought about what i’m eating and how much i want to be skinny

these are my teen years and i feel as if they are being wasted on focusing on my ed 😭😭

anyone else??

[nearlyglossy]

i always wonder what it would be like to just eat and not think at all about what’s your eating

like i think even if i was to recover or something i will never stop having these thoughts while eating 😢😢

[nearlyglossy]

did i buy a skirt today for a 8 year olds

✨ yes✨

does it fit me

✨no✨

will i try it on everyday till it does and trigger my body dysmorphia even more

✨most definitely✨

[nearlyglossy]

i’m so confused cause like on one hand i know i obsess over food and have a frickin ed blog but then i’m like i’m not super skinny and i do eat enough. so i’m like do i even have an eating disorder?! even if i did want to recover i would feel so fucking stupid bc like i can eat and i do so like what am i recovering from?!

i don’t even know if that makes sense :/

anyone else feel like this or get this??

[nearlyglossy]

why can’t i just be fucking happy and normal that’s all i want

[nearlyglossy]

sometimes i think about how fucking stupid it is that the only reason i found thinspo and the ana part of tumblr was from a fucking fan fiction!!!

like i’m almost certain that my ed would not even exist or at least be this bad if i hadn’t found it :(

i don’t know if i am so fucking grateful that i found it or i wish i never read that fan fiction :/

[nearlyglossy]

sometimes i forget that like people can diet and say they want to loose weight normally like that doesn’t always mean they have a ed!!

lmao i’m like not everyone is messed up like me :)