thme80

[needl]

El 25 de abril me comí un ajo que me cambió la vida. Tuve que estar en casa con mi mamá y hermano. Todo dio click.

Antes de eso fumaba marihuana a DIARIO

Desde el 25 de abril me he dado 2 balizas.

Y no es porque no tenga weed,

es que ya perdí la dependencia.

Cuando no esté tan harta de pantallas escribiré más sobre esto

[needl]

I am getting the depression

again

I feel it

I hadn’t felt it coming this close in a while

it came just today so maybe im exaggerating a bit because I was exhausted af, and feeling guilty for going out so much when I know I don’t have the time or the money to. Lately, I feel extremely stressed. I never ever admit to my stress. If someone tells me im doing too much usually I reply with jaja no soy una huevonadeke me wa andar estresando but now its like woofer real this is too much. 

Sometimes the stress feels nice specially when its shortlyrewarded, that’s why I enjoyth e jewelry course so much, in just a few hours you have a new piece to add to your clothes , but even that class is stressing tf out of me.

I also liked someone for the short period of 4 days a lo mucho. Idk it kinda hasn’t left (the feeling) but it sucked. I know I will be over it soon (I hope) but like I already got heart broken… or like idk sad about it. I never wanna go through this ugly ass feeling again. worrying about how a specific person thinks of u ughhhh nooo no m ames no.

I think its just the retrograde de mercurio that’s making me have this low ass self steem so literally never hit on anyone ): like I give up when I see a sign disinters which is ALWAYS .

I dont even wanna talk about my mom thing 2 ppl. last year I would want to tell everyone an cry all the time but nw im so tired I dont even wanna explain 2 ppl like ok ya ahi mure yayayaya shunt uuppp

[needl]

Wow si pudiera viajar en el tiempo le daría a Xóchitl del pasado un abrazo. En ese tiempo tenía depresiones que me duraban un día, incluso horas y sentía que se me acababa el mundo. Pero, siempre salí. Siempre he salido. No importa que tan hardcore ha estado la situación siempre salgo adelante. Siempre siempre siempre. Incluso cuando pensé que ya no había vuelta atrás, que ya me había jodido demasiado, salí. Incluso cuando no tenía a nadie, salí. Cuando yo tenía que cargar al equipo mientras a penas me cargaba a mi, salí. Cuando no sabía ni de donde iba a sacar imaginación para hacer 20 bocetos, los hice. Cuando no tenía el mínimo interés en pasar la materia, pasé. You’re amazing, xochitl. De verdad no conozco a nadie como tu, preciosa.

[needl]

I am getting the depression

again

I feel it

I hadn't felt it coming this close in a while

it came just today so maybe im exaggerating a bit because I was exhausted af, and feeling guilty for going out so much when I know I don't have the time or the money to. Lately, I feel extremely stressed. I never ever admit to my stress. If someone tells me im doing too much usually I reply with jaja no soy una huevonadeke me wa andar estresando but now its like woofer real this is too much. 

Sometimes the stress feels nice specially when its shortlyrewarded, that's why I enjoyth e jewelry course so much, in just a few hours you have a new piece to add to your clothes , but even that class is stressing tf out of me.

I also liked someone for the short period of 4 days a lo mucho. Idk it kinda hasn't left (the feeling) but it sucked. I know I will be over it soon (I hope) but like I already got heart broken... or like idk sad about it. I never wanna go through this ugly ass feeling again. worrying about how a specific person thinks of u ughhhh nooo no m ames no.

I think its just the retrograde de mercurio that's making me have this low ass self steem so literally never hit on anyone ): like I give up when I see a sign disinters which is ALWAYS .

I dont even wanna talk about my mom thing 2 ppl. last year I would want to tell everyone an cry all the time but nw im so tired I dont even wanna explain 2 ppl like ok ya ahi mure yayayaya shunt uuppp

[needl]

need to fucking say it

laaaaaaaaaately

as in; in the past couple months I have been having a way harsher criteria for the people I engage physical mm connections ? sea con quien me doy pues, ya no es con quien quiera se me haga

djahsdkasfgsaldsañd I can’t type that I can’t figure that out yet

but the point is that

uiodaszlufa aaaahhhh feel like I have had a low self esteem because lately none of he guys I like actually like me back ???? like thisssss is so weird for me. like in a good while I have been rejected QUITE A FEW FUCKING TIMES and it wasn’t even that often that I decided that I liked someone. so ok out of those few people I happened to be interested in thEY DIDNT LIKE ME as MUCH AS I …… I can’t even im so angry. anyways this somehow yeah it angers me because im stid and conceited and have a big fucking ego.

(just as a parenthesis.. today I had a great self esteem day, I guess it had to do with the fact that I got a few pictures taken lately or because I DROPPED ACID TODAY. )

I got hear broken like twice in a day today. ON ACID. and ok let me start a new post

[needl]

oh yeah I knew I was getting somewhere

...

today I got ready to see a dude I thought I was gonna hook up with just bc we had hooked up before I immediately thought was gonna happen...... ughhhhhhhh and he also had said that he was gonna have his female friend join us........but he didn't even show upppp

and then on his Spotify YES IM MTHAT STALKED he was listening to the “use in case of having sex” playlist

and I got saddddddddddd

I got super angry and jealous and that's so dumbbbbb

and I was like jajajaj que whack how am I sad over this

so I smoked weeeeeeeedwhile sad on acid

and I played down and I was like jajaj que tripiiii juju las sabanas son vestidos

y empece a cerrar mis ojos y sentirme mal

mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal mal malm alma lmalmalma mla mal amla ml

mal

[needl]

Todo está saliendo mejor de lo que sentí que me merecía

Siempre siento que le estoy huevonesndo o que mi trabajo está mediocre o que no tengo las suficientes excusas para estar entregando todo mi trabajo súper tarde. Y si he pasado por una que otra regalada but we out here. No reprobé nada. No descuide a mi mamá. Fui al corona con gente bien amazing. Ya no tengo dinero pero ya cubrí mis gastos. Ya no tengo mis streaks se fumar Mota todo el día por 3 días seguidos. No estoy saliendo con ningún chavo ni ninguna chava que me haga sentir incómoda o simplemente que no me guste. Ya soy como un 70% vegans. Estoy llendo a terapia y a veces llego sin saber que decir , just that things are ok. I am that bad bitch y necesito recordármelo.

[needl]

Anoche soñé con mi ultra crush maximo (el que ya había soñado antes y me encuentro seguido en el rey)

Soñé que había salido a hacer algo y que regresaba todo cansado y un poquito sudado.

Le dije que se acostara en mi pecho para hacerle cariñitos en la nuca.

En mi sueño yo andaba semi desnuda y vi cómo se aplastaron mis boobies cuando puso su cabeza sobre mi. Odio que me acuerdo tan perfectamente que su cuello estaba bronceado y traía una cadena tipo de plata y una camisa sobre su playera.

Le acomode la cadena y le hice piojito por los 3 segundos más bonitos de mi día hasta que mi mamá me despertó pidiéndome que la llevara al baño.

Mi mamá me pregunto que soñé y le dije que no me acordaba.

[needl]

Ya operaron a mi mamá y pues es lo que quise por tanto tiempo pero, damn, ha sido de las top 10 semanas más pesadas de mi vida.

[needl]

I just masturbated bc I know I’m gonna get blue balls tomorrow. I think I’m gonna go for round 2 so I can be a fearless bitch tomorrow in case I don’t feel like going any more.

[needl]

I think I showed Ian how much of a stalker nature I have inside me. He knows I knew his schedule before he knew I existed. So I mean, in a way he should know I stalk his twitter even though I don’t follow him. This is just an excuse for me to have done something completely uncalled for.

I saw his likes.

Idk what I was expecting to see idk why in this instant I thought I should keep idealizing him because he helped me with my homework, because he heard me say a few words, because I genuenly like him and I, for a second, believed he was better than all men maybe even better than me.

I saw he liked some things about anime titties and other sex stuff. I like those kind of things on twitter so I shouldn’t even be upset. I should saw it and I felt so bad again. Me dio ptsd de elninombrable again.

I crave him so much but i don’t wanna feel as uncomfortable as i felt with Diego ever again. I want to feel like my body is amazing and that I’m not just a sexual object. And if I’m the only one that can love my body and self expression as much as I need to feel then I will be the only one to have the privilege of holding.

I wanna snap him out of my head now because I don’t wanna deal with what others think of me. I don’t wanna care about that. Neta nononomononooooooo no quiero no quiero. Ugh hasta quiero ver sus likes otra vez para seguirme lastimando y acordarme de lo que seguramente puede ser capaz (like masturbating to porn right after having sex with me without cumming)

[needl]

I c an see how we are gonna fall apart but I’m enjoying whatever this is.

Last night we went out dancing and I thought mmm this dude is gonna show in T-shirt and jeans I’m not gonna do a big effort, so I wore a mediocre outfit.

I pick him up (he lives like 5 minutes away from my house) and he is wearing the flyest outfit with colorful socks and wet curly hair. My heart was crussssshed. And he kept starring at me and I was like O: but I wanna look at you tooooo!!! And he was so awkward at first but then he danced with me and said I looked amazing dancing. Ese es todo el chisme bye.

[needl]

Salí con un wey que me gustaba del tec jajajaj no puedo creer que esto esté pasando again. Ya se que me voy a aburrir para que le sigo.

[needl]

Ok like I was gonna post this on insta ew no one cares Paola. Pero no se. He was so handsome. I know this won’t acapare in my biggest fucking dreams ever like he is waaaaay out of my league but just seeing him with his earring and the chain of his pants and the round glasses, soft beer, layered shirts , ufffffff solo de acordarme. Ufff. Me motiva para seguir viva. Soooo precioussssss.

[needl]

Cut the leggings with side stripes of flippin neon and acid wash em

[needl]

[needl]

Este ciclo ya se cerró. Ya resucité. For now. The real deal is coming soon.

Ugh me amo ahoritaaaaa

[needl]