Scream But No Sound

Depressive teen's blog. Just a rant space really

[needtoscreamandshout]

tomorrow it will be a month since my uncle died. and yet I feel like it’s been months on end that we’ve been without him. 

[needtoscreamandshout]

Tired of being the ugly fuck, friends with all the attractive girls

Every time we go out i just feel so shit because i am always in the shadow of my beautiful friends

[needtoscreamandshout]

Need a win

My self-confidence has just been falling through the floor and it’s adversely affecting my studies and I keep being told that I just need confidence but I just can’t find it. I feel like the only way I can honestly regain confidence is to get a win in something, but everything I try I seem to fail and it only ends up feeding my self-deprecating thoughts and further destroy any remaining shred of confidence. I’m starting to feel hopeless...

[needtoscreamandshout]

Results from a moot I did on Wednesday came in. I came 60th of 106 people. And a fair few of them were people who had never mooted before. and I feel like royal shit. There’s only several hundreds of pupillage spots out there. and I can’t even get to the top half of my own university. and there’s 12. im just fucked. 

[needtoscreamandshout]

I’ve started Bar School, getting ever closer to my dream of becoming a barrister, and I feel nauseous from the work load.

Not a great start...

[needtoscreamandshout]

Someone: sex is a thing everybody wants and does!

Me: wow I really relate to this

Me:

Me, whispering: are they buying it

[needtoscreamandshout]

Dating Dilemma

Can’t believe this is actually happening but I like 2 different guys, going on a date with one of them in a couple weeks, the other is a guy i’ve known for years (he’s my best friend’s brother) but in recent months things have gotten really flirty between us and I think I like the 2nd guy more but Idk what’s happening with him, and yet I don’t know how interested in the 1st guy I am. Like if it came down to it, i’d probably pick the 2nd guy, but I don’t know if anything would ever happen with him so I don’t want to necessarily cut things with the 1st guy in case there’s nothing there with the 2nd.  

[needtoscreamandshout]

Finished uni, moved in back at home

Only been home 3 days and I hate it. This is going to be tough. *sighs* 

[needtoscreamandshout]

Moth infestation

I am just so mad, because a moth infestation has occured in my uni house over the Easter holidays. I reported it as soon as I got back (24/4/17), I was told that somebody would come and look at it “today or tomorrow”, so on the 26th I called again asking why nobody has been, they said they’d send somebody early this week to take a look. Today I received an email that it was “reported” today and that it would be resolved within 5 working days (by 10/5/17).

Frankly i’m disgusted. I have already had to live n this moth den for a week, and now i’m going to have to wait another week. And they’ve categorised it a a priority 2 risk to comfort or convenience. Fucking hell I turned round one moment and found one floating in my bowl of soup, this isn’t an inconvenience, it is a risk to health and hygiene! Therefore it should be a priority 1 which they should take 24 hours to resolve. EVEN if I were to accept it’s a priority 2, I reported it on the 24th, therefore 5 working days (because of the bank holiday) would end tomorrow. Not have it done by the 10th. 

[needtoscreamandshout]

Diss-stress

When your dissertation is stressing you out. 

This is me now

[needtoscreamandshout]

Give me strength to deal with rampant sexism

My father is driving me mental, currently ranting and raving that women have MORE rights than men do in the UK and that women are sneaky and sly and use their femininity to get away with not working and that they should be paid less because they work less. 

[needtoscreamandshout]

Coping?

I sort of am. I conclude that March has been the worst month of this academic year to date. I hope it stays that way. Because I can’t deal with another one of those. There was the break up, 15 application rejections (including 2 very important scholarships), and sooo much work stress (dissertation, exam prep, my job, etc). Please can the next months be easier than March has been. 

[needtoscreamandshout]

Yep, we’ve broken up

Long story short, he didn’t love me and he felt that 7 months in he should and he felt guilty and thought it was best to end it. It’s terribly painful. 

[yurobani]

And yet.

[888sensei]

[needtoscreamandshout]

Break up... sort of?

My boyfriend called me today, crying, and said he couldn’t handle the long distance aspect of our relationship, that when we’re together everything is wonderful but it’s just too hard in between, and skyping just isn’t the same as actually being together. 

I was in complete shock, this is the first he’s ever mentioned, and he’s gone nuclear about it. We’ve never even had a problem in our relationship before or any arguments or anything like that. I’ve asked that we skype on Wednesday to unpack the problem, because what we have seems at least worth that before totally throwing it away. He said he’s more than happy to explain his feelings more, so we’re calling. 

I have a game plan of talking about the ways in which we can make the long distance work. I pray that he can come into the conversation with an open mind and the strength to work at this, rather than just attack it with a sledgehammer. Because this is ridiculous. 

I pray that love will win out and that we can fix this. But i’m so scared that it won’t. 

[needtoscreamandshout]

Things are just a bit shit and stressy. But they’re like minor things so I don’t feel like I can really complain, yet it sours my day and I just ugh don’t know