Negation of the Negation @negationofthenegation - Tumblr Blog

I'm tired because I have a new range of things I'm working on and I'm honestly getting really sick of people in my life telling me I'm doing too much.

It's normal and good to work hard and be tired. What else is there to live for?

I'm not so old that I need to like conserve all my energy because I might die of exhaustion.

And it's honestly all people who don't do much who are critical of me. Like please consider shutting the fuck up before you judge someone for being busy and expressing that judgment to them.

If it's 2026 and you are still staying at home all the damn time and being on the internet for more hours than you are doing things that help other people- you are the one who is fucking up.

Apparently I wrote in here last summer and I do not remember that at all.

My brain is melting.

I know I must be okay because sometimes on days off, I will refuse to look at my own plan for myself for the day and just go off relaxing, cooking, writing, listing to music, and just going for a walk, doing whatever.

Like there is some part of me in there that will just automatically be like NOPE! NO TO DO LIST TODAY! YOU GOTTA LET THE SOFT ANIMAL OF YOUR BODY LOVE WHAT IT LOVES TODAY!

lesvegas

A few years ago while trying to find ways to commit suicide as painlessly as possible, I came across a PDF of Dr. Paul Quinnett's The Forever Decision. Thinking it might go into actual methods of suicide (I read an article once that actually did that and was trying to find it again) I started to read it, and I think I only got about two pages in before I was crying too much to actually see the words.

I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.

All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."

But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.

It's intentionally legal to copy and redistribute this book to keep it as accessible as possible, and it's very easy to find, but here's a link for it anyways.

I just remembered that in the past, I had oriented my entire life around the goal of making things as simple as possible.

And now I'm addicted to being busy.

I'm literally looking at my planner trying to fit in when I can relax and I just need to like always been relaxing.

I can feel my mother's stress growing in my body. The missbeating of my heart. The burning in my throat, the fluid in my lungs.

And this shit needs to stop here.

Now.

Before I hit 40.

Maybe I'm in burnout.

It's just weird how it's different from before.

Now I sit at my desk wanting to greedily gobble up some work tasks but I'm telling myself to relax and rest and I just... can't? I'm furiously writing and researching and I can't just like relax?

I went for a long walk and now I'm going to go back up to my desk and then I'll be customer servicing for a bit but I'm like... shaking and I feel like I'm going to puke. I don't get it

How Could I by Lila Blue

How could I, how could I, how could I

Have wasted all that, all that I have spent

When I have, when I have, when I have

Been living on a life that′s been lent

Their names coat the bathtub

Their echoes fill the drawers

I don't think there is much left for me to love anymore

How could I, how could I, how could I

You tell me

How I tell you such beautiful stories

And I want to rip apart your grin

But instead I just curl up my knuckles and wait

I′ll never have a child, no I'll never have a child

I don't trust any chin that′s been, that′s been born innocent

But if I were to, if I were to hold their hand

I'm not so sure I′d find a difference in our skin

But I am hit and burn and carve and slap and scrape

How could they know, they wouldn't know how pain can make a cave

In you

You tell me

How gentle I can be

How do I say my softness is just rage contained?

So I just smile and I thank you for the compliment

Can′t you hear them singing?

They've left this world and left behind this ringing

I block my ears, they bind my eyes

And tell me that they′re never leaving

What can I do to make you all go away?

They say you are in us as much they are in me

Bloodline, blood let, oh let me let this go and they say no

They say no

I sit you down, untie my tongue

And tell you how it feels

To be just an echo

In a cave that will never heal

You hold in your two hands

What you don't know how to say

It's alright, I didn′t expect an answer anyways

But then you

Take me to your silence

And for a moment things seem to slow

But I know

Your eyes will never meet the hollows in mine

I just watched an episode of season 2 of the rehearsal where Nathan learned how to fly a plane and he's really bad at it and a slow learner but eventually he trains to fly a 737 and flies a bunch of actors on a flight and no one dies and then he goes on to fly more 737s that need to be flown to places to and the whole time he was thinking about having anxiety and autism and that he wasn't allowed to disclose those things or else he wouldn't be able to get licensed and that somehow doing it meant "there was nothing wrong with him" and I'm sitting on the couch crying. Like this show is supposed to be a comedy but none of this is funny to me it's just so fucking real.

When that girl sang that evanescence song and Nathan deleted the message from his doctor about coming in for his diagnosis, that was so real

Fuck.

The description of this blog says 30 years old.

I guess I was 3O when I moved to SC.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 40 yet. Even though I feel like it.

I feel more like I'm 50 to tell you the truth.

I'm not sure how I'm going to move into this new phase of my life. I need to be more relaxed and accepting. I need to stop adding more tasks into my life to create work for myself.

I'm just very afraid to be I the empty room.

The empty room is where I have to look at all the ways I hate myself and my life and I get overwhelmed and want to die.

It feels like I have to step into the water to figure out how to not drown and im just like... this is stupid. I can avoid the water so there's no risk.

One time I was on this website and a complete stranger said I didn't do the aesthetic right after I spend hours sewing a dress and I was so mad. The only difference between my photo and a model photo of the same style was my boobs.

Literally no wonder I was having panic attacks about my appearance back then.

I'm going through a goblin phase again.

I need to come up with a bunch of pen names to make zines under because the last zine I wrote was like.... too personal to have my name on it.

Hmm.

I'm going through a goblin phase again.

I need to come up with a bunch of pen names to make zines under because the last zine I wrote was like.... too personal to have my name on it.

Hmm.

New file is up: https://cathedralzero.neocities.org/file0009.html

trashboat

i go absolutely ape shit buck wild when people ask me if i want to run errands with them like Let’s Fucking Go. and my mind absolutely maxes out of dopamine when they ask if i wanna stop for coffee. and if someone took me to the park id go bonkers in funcking yonkers

trashboat

i got so high last night that i started ghostwriting for a golden retriever apparently

joshpeck

i just saw graffiti and all it said was ‘bagels!’….i’m really happy somebody is passionate enough about bagels to spray paint it on a wall

negationofthenegation

@star-of-arborea <.<

casanova-lives

negationofthenegation

This v good meme is by Cam Tearer and you can find their other memes here -> https://www.instagram.com/p/BhHfOPElbmG/

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