Rambling
It is nearly morning. I cannot fall asleep. I am overthinking.
These are the three things that pushed me to re-open my Tumblr account (after a prolonged time of inactivity) and come up with this nonsense.
So yeah. Do not expect anything insightful, coherent, or anything positive from this blog entry. Just scroll down the feed until you can no longer see this thing.
Let me get this over with.
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Three years.
I cannot believe that after three long years, I would finally be graduating college... assuming that I would receive a passing mark for each and every subject that I took this term. See, as of writing, our final grades are being processed; thus leaving us students in a mixed state of anxiety, paranoia, and all that crap.
For one, me and a few friends are stressing over our grades from a certain subject given how the odds seem to be going against us. Judging by the comments that he had given us just about a few hours earlier, our professor for this subject was not delighted by the final requirement that we have submitted to him (Yeah.. we are definitely neither the brightest nor the most diligent from the bunch). As a result, if our professor does feel like our work was the embodiment of bullshit, then we just might fail and thus have our graduation be postponed for another year. Woop-dee-fucking-doo.
Believe me when I say that I really want to remain positive on this entire situation. I really do. I mean, if we were able to pass every course before, then perhaps this instance would not be any different. We have come this close into graduation (roughly just a month away from it, to be precise). We could not have fucked up at the last moment... right?
But.. shit happens. Realistically speaking, remaining positive would not help us in this kind of situation. I mean, if the person had already made up his mind, then being positive would only lead us into the wrong direction, right? After all, a strand of hope would not save us once shit begins to hit the fan.
Three years.
It has been three years since I first entered college. I think I was the (typical) freshman who had plenty of ideas and ambitions. Coming straight out of a Catholic high school then (which gave me a handful of bullshit experiences, if I may add), I entered college with a clean slate. Nobody knew what I was capable of. Nobody knew what makes me tick. The only person that knew me was simply me. I had the chance to reinvent myself.
And holy shit, looking back, I must say that I surely did what I wanted to do then: reinvent myself... albeit for the worse, I believe.
Before, I was a fucking cutthroat student. I would not rest until I was not confident that my produced output would secure at least a 90%. I would make sure that my creation would kick everyone else’s ass. Now, my cutthroat edge has become dull (oh for fuck sake even this imagery sucks). Instead of aiming for the highest points, I settled for the passing scores. Instead of being the best, I became just another person in the background. My competitive/dominant nature has morphed into nothing but just a dab of survival instinct.
Before, I was relatively likeable (ok hold your fucking laughter for one second and let me explain. As I was saying..). I remember being able to make friends easier. Some way, somehow, people would even bother to approach me then and (at the very least) communicate. If not, I would be able to be gutsy for a while and manage to make a few acquaintances. Take it as something like an awkward-but-nice trait. Now... jesus fucking christ. I have become a walking people repellent. That awkward-but-nice thing has turned into awkward-and-brash, aka the worst combination. I could no longer develop the guts to approach anyone new. Hell, people would no longer approach me as well (a bit of a stretch, There would still be a few, but still. I feel like they’re forced or just have nothing better to do).
Oh, and speaking of guts... dear god, how I gained lots of it. Literally. I could not even fit into some of my clothes anymore for fuck’s sake.
(I normally would not mind changes. But shit. I am going deep at this hour.) After giving it much thought, I realized how I really lost... it. I am nothing but a shell of my former self.
And what makes it even worse (for me) is that no matter how hard I try to restore the previous version of me, I just keep on failing. Fail fail fail. No wonder I post the risk of failing the class that I have mentioned earlier.
Yadda yadda yadda. Lack of creativity, Yadda yadda yadda. Drama. Yadda yadda yadda. Forgot what I wanted to add. Blah blah blah.
(See what I mean?)
End.
