Nelberry

FNP student

[nelberry]

Dear Diary,

A long time ago, I dreamed of wearing suits and having a nice, comfy job. Well now, I’ve gotten it. Yet, I feel so out of place. I feel disappointed. I feel like I cannot measure up to the greatness everyone always sees in me. I cannot measure up to their praises. I spent all afternoon and all night moping about it. 

Enough said, it is time to move forward again. Tomorrow will be a brand new day. I plan on carrying on until the very end of my master’s program. I need to keep my dreams and hopes alive. One day, I am aiming to have my own home health company, become a family nurse practitioner, be fit, travel the world, own a nice house, buy a home for my parents, and to continue wearing suits. One step at a time. Just you wait. And just I wait.

[nelberry]

I can’t even bare to text you, knowing that initially intended to sleep with other men later on if I agreed on it. Disgusting pig.

[nelberry]

Crashing down.

I don’t know where to vent this anymore because I don’t want anyone I know to worry about me. So, I’ll just write it here. 

I can’t take it anymore. These past few weeks, these past few months, I’ve felt this immense pressure, this immense stress weighing down on me, from school, from work, from my insecurities. I don’t want to tell my family how much turmoil I am in. It only causes them pain and suffering. And so many around me are also mentally incapacitated. I do not think they could handle my truth. 

I love life so much, but I can’t help but think how much easier it would be if I am gone, if I just disappear, if I just die. All this suffering would go away. All this anxiety, all this depression, all this darkness would go away.

Yet, I am scared. I don’t want to fucking go. 

Perhaps I will keep hanging on, keep giving myself that shimmer of hope, that bit of encouragement, step-by-step, assignment-by-assignment, day-by-day of work, insecurity-by-insecurity. It’s a process. It’s a journey. I simply need to be strong enough to see it all the way through. Because I know that promise land is fucking waiting for me. It is.

[nelberry]

Back

Kind of missed this, honestly.

[nelberry]

I was so scared to talk to you. Now I’ve said hello, your move.

[msandorf-deactivated20200309]

[nelberry]

Each time you speak to me, my heart aches because I know I can never be with you.

[nelberry]

[nelberry]

There’s a first for everything.