eternally 1:36 am

I started doing this Tumblr just for myself, to keep track of my ideas and also see random stuff to fill me with serotonin. I speak Norwegian, Swedish and English, so that's what my posts are going to be in. Enjoy!

[nemusnail]

every time I start watching my second favorite anime again I always have to watch it until the end. It just can't exist as a series to me, it needs to be a 492 minute long movie. Like it takes five episodes to set up the plot and make you fall in love with the characters and then they slowly crush you over the next 7 episodes and I can't stop because I need it to end well. And also I viscerally relate to the characters so their emotional states are intrinsically tied to mine.

(Unfortunately it's a hard one to recommend because it's mahou shoujo, but also they sprinkle in some unnecessary boob- and ass shots (they are middle school students), and then there's also very prominent suicidal and self-destructive imagery. It's really fun and heartwarming tho. And pretty!

Oh and also very very gay in the way that mahou shoujo animes usually are, which I actually recently watched a really good video essay about why that genre is often Like That.)

[nemusnail]

I'm like completely out of pocket money, and I've also spent 50% of my savings on rent, I really need to get a job lmao

[nemusnail]

fra side til side,

----------------- jeg setter alt i særstilling

stiller spørsmål ved det jeg visste,

----------------- nå som jeg har sett bølgene

bære de skimrende trådene

-------------------------------- mellom oss,

vever fem inn i havet

------------------------ og gjør dem sine egne.

det tok tid

å ta en pust

og du startet på nytt

mange ganger.

til du kan

se detaljene igjen,

og ta dem innover deg

som de er.

jeg elsker at vi prøver.

[nemusnail]

men jeg har jo ikke noe å være stolt over:

jeg skal til å si noe, men stopper da det slår meg

jeg står ikke engang

jeg ser knapt opp, åpner knapt munnen

på stor skala, jeg holder på

i marginene

jeg tenker, tenker, lar det bre seg over meg

jeg er der, i tankene mine

jeg holder vennene jeg ikke kjenner, helt, i hånden

jeg lener meg på deres skuldre, vi tas bilde av, smilende, og deles rundt om i verden

jeg vet ikke hvem jeg er, for jeg har så få som kjenner meg, og jeg kan ikke stoles på,

hvordan skal jeg være stolt av noe som knapt gjør, er, noe?

[nemusnail]

I had like!! fun, interesting dreams today!! they were absolutely not without their problems but on the whole they were just mostly nice:)

[nemusnail]

I dream a lot these days. I know it's because of the antidepressants, but my dreams are "real" in a way they haven't really been before. Before, I always had to fix something, like in the way that you have to if you're in a group project where no one except you is doing anything. But now, it's... It's still that, but more... dangerous? or, it just feels awful, and more grounded in a way. Like I wouldn't say I was having fun before, but the concepts were sort of interesting to me and my main feeling in the dream was a sort of annoyance. But now I mainly feel. bad. Like the dream is making me sick. And they never cross into nightmares in the way that nightmares are usually presented, but it's like the closest my real experiences come to being nightmares without the stereotypical hallmarks (death, injury, jumpscares, etc.).

Honestly, this might be enough to make me quit medicine because I feel so drained in the morning. And I have a hard time forgetting the dreams when i wake up, but they're not disturbing in a way that I can easily talk about to get it out of my system. I think I definitely will talk to my doctor about switching the medicine though, because it doesn't really seem to help that much. Not that I know exactly what to expect.

[nemusnail]

for å slukke en flamme kan du alltids

kvele den, med et glass –

sot vil dannes men glasset kommer ikke til å ta fyr, jeg lover, med mindre

det ikke er helt rent, da.

Telys, storbrann, de tester det samme,

er du klar? er du ferdig?

det starter før du kan tenke på å gå,

så hva skal du gjøre?

Klarer du å la deg brenne?

[nemusnail]

I've been trying to stop writing so much in the present continuum, because it sounds cliche to me now. The problem is??? that it's kind of the point?? of the poem, a lot of the time??? not that it's cliche, but that it's *happening*. And I want to work out different ways to portray that, but I have a really hard time doing that in a way that turns into what I need, and I'm generally writing a poem so in the moment that it's difficult to twist it into something else just because when i read it later, it'll read cliche.

[nemusnail]

de kutter ned trærne og jeg stenger ørene, jeg har andre ting å fokusere på. teen min har rukket å bli kald men jeg kommer ikke på en annen tesmak jeg vil ha. det fryser rundt grensene av meg, hver gang jeg flyttes sendes det dempede varmebølger som fotspor i luften. hver bevegelse begrunnes med en setning og jeg vet du må vente så lenge, beklager. det har skjedd, allting, før. maskene tas opp igjen og det strikkes videre selv om det blir ett hull. hvor lenge kan jeg ignorere at øynene svir? jeg prøver, jeg prøver, bare vent.

[nemusnail]

i have an actual job interview tomorrow. so uh. here's to hoping the social skill gods are with me.

[nemusnail]

I really like that getting Deutsche Bahn'ed is such a well known phenomenon that the screens inside the trains have timestamps for both the "planned arrival" and the "(actual) arrival". yes they are currently different right now for the stop I'm getting off. the world is beautiful

[nemusnail]

I have never been chill about anything in my entire life

[nemusnail]

A lot of the time I feel like I don't deserve what I have. But I'm very very glad my girl (neutral) seems to actually enjoy being with me, and talking to me. I was really, really, really down a few hours ago, I still kind of am, a bit. But my girl is so so wonderful and now I'm just genuinely considering making an actual Actual poem collection. I think I've settled on "small things" (små ting), which might be generic, or Marble tracks in normal people (Klinkekulebaner hos normale mennesker), but that one is. hard to translate.

So I'll try to organize the small things tag to a work-in-progress collection:)

[nemusnail]

familien går opp i sømmene

og alt er min feil.

jeg klarte det ikke, alle de tynne trådene i hendene mine røk. sakte og smertefullt. én etter én.

jeg klarer ikke å fikse det, jeg kan ikke redde dem. De glade stundene veier aldri opp for de vonde.

Om jeg hadde vært en engel

om jeg ikke hadde funnets her fysisk

hadde de klart det?

hadde de blitt tvunget

til å høre på hverandre

som det er nå vet jeg de hadde implodert.

eller,

kanskje jeg er for selvbesatt.

kanskje grunnen til at hele min familie smuldrer foran meg imens jeg stirrer blankt uten stemme i halsen og uthulet kropp,

er at jeg aldri var ment å ha en familie.

kanskje dette er min straff:

en situasjon jeg aldri kan fikse

festet i hver fiber av meg

skruer i armer og ben og hode, kanskje

verdensfreden finnes i min forsvinning,

i at jeg slutter å streve

og lar verden gå sin gang

[nemusnail]

the incense burns in my nose

my head is boiling

the lights are spilling and the altar is everywhere

my hands are stiff, glued together palm to palm

I mutter, mutter, mutter

the ravings of a faithless sinner

peeling the paint off the walls

and my legs braided, the mermaids nightmare

feverishly glistening, disgusting.

Snot runs down my face as I cry, I fight not to focus on it.

It will ruin the purity of it, the absolution.

the likeness of a saint.

Nothing happens

nothing happens

it burns, forgiveness pending

[nemusnail]

god has built temples to the heavens

so god can feel safe on earth

so god can wander through the streets,

so god can connect, and rinse, and clean.

I am not sure

how it feels to be everywhere

I can only imagine it to be one place, scattered

out of focus tivoli of sickness and health,

love and loss

but I think, it might be nice to have a place

meant for you

everywhere, everywhere.

the people are small and sprawling,

flickering terrariums of wishes and weavings

whispering intricate, handcrafted padlocks

onto bridges, on cities, on days

and uncertainty seeps through the cracks of their fingers

almost

drowning

and I don't know if god pities us.

I don't know if we have won or lost, or if there is even a game to win,

but I think

there are those who need god

more than god needs them, and

it is scary to feel

abandoned by someone who lives everywhere.

and for someone abandoned by everyone else,

how hard do you have to fight to believe

that you won't be abandoned

by someone you can't see?

By someone who won't let you stay in their house

after closing?

god might be the only one they have and

I am sad to say, I'm thankful they have anything

at all,

if not yet a temple in which to breathe.

[nemusnail]

denmark is really flat. and I love her for it