Nagdadalaga.

Pau | 20 and happy 🐼 |

[nenengnene]

Hay

I’m just writing here because yet again I felt insecure. I just don’t know if it’s all fine to feel insecure or I am just thinking too much. 

You know, I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite some time now. almost 4 years of being together and we still click, I love him, he loves me. I’m telling you, we ain’t having problems we can’t surpass. Which is good, right? Because that isn’t the problem.

Well then, my insecurity is from his Mom. Her treatment. Sabi ng bf ko, I’m good with his family naman daw. like, they approve me as his gf, you know what I mean. But my issue is. I don’t feel like it. You know, I am expecting the treatment that his mother was giving to the girlfriend of his brother, Ate Steph. Sa totoo lang, bago palang sila Ate Steph and Kuya JP (brother of my Jowa) dinadala na talaga ni Kuya si Ate sa bahay nila. (Disclaimer: I have nothing against ate Steph, she really is a good person.) Pero ako? first time ko makapunta sa kanila, what? 2 years na ata kaming magjowa. But don’t get me wrong, I have met his parents even before but not in there house. I have nothing to do with that, I should have insisted if I wanted to go there dba? It’s not his fault. Pero alam mo yun? Iba kasi sa pakiramdam yung gusto mo yung partner mo magustuhan ng family mo ehh. And para sakin, isang malaking role mo para mangyari yun, is of course makilala muna personality niya ng parents mo. One good step is yung pagpunta sa bahay ng jowa mo, maka bonding family mo. dba? Actually, I feel like, his mother really likes Ate Steph to be part of their family. Kulang nalang ipakasal na niya yung dalawa. She really love Ate Steph for Kuya JP. I would also want to feel the same, that she does like me bilang jowa ng anak niya. Eto pa, si tita lagi yan nagcocomment, sort of lagi nyang pinapansin si ate Steph and even kuya JJ (bf naman ng ate ni Jowa). 

Bilang pa sa kamay kung ilang beses na ko nakapunta don, pero dba I should have built and gained the same relationship na his mom has with ate Steph and Kuya JJ? Hay. Ako ngayon, pag nagtetext or nagchachat parang ang cold lang ni tita sakin. Nararamdaman ko kasi yung di pantay na treatment, parang may mali for me. Or ako yung may mali? Nakikisama naman ako pag nandun ako sa bahay nila, I do me. You know what I’m saying. I’m being myself. But then I don’t feel like I’m enough para kay tita na matuwa rin siya sakin dahil gf ako ng anak niya. HAY

[nenengnene]

Just realized. He’s not the only one na selfish sa relasyon na ‘to. He’s selfish for struggling/fixing/fighting his fading love for me. And me? I’m selfish for not letting him do what he wants to do, for not giving him the time/space that he needs to fix everything and for wanting to have all of his love just for me.

Grabe, obsessed ata ako. Mali ako for thinking so much tungkol sa kanya. Sobrang douche ko.. My endless crying is somewhat a result of my excessive thinking. I feel bad ngayon about this. Ano ba tong nangyayari sakin. Kinakain na ko ng pag-ibig.

[nenengnene]

This pain is inevitable, but why me?

To the man behind my tears,

Sleeping w a heavy heart, so much pain and anxiety leading to extreme depression. Always thinking, ayoko na mabuhay. This life is way miserable than yesterday. Free me from thinking too much, answer my questions, love me for who I am, need me with ur purest intentions, hold me and my fragile heart, hug me, comfort me and kiss me endlessly, hayy.. this is just too much.  I am gradually being broken. Pls tell me you love me w certainty. Let’s not pretend we’re not hurt.

I am sorry for bluffing my happiness sometimes. Most when I am hurt. I am so sorry for all my shortcomings, these dramas (na I know u don’t want to be involved in), etc. I am sorry, I can’t stop these tears from falling (never really helped me feel any better). I’m sorry for being a pessimist. I am so sorry for being a weak ass and a cry baby.

This might look wretched, but I know you’re struggling the same shit as I do. That’s why I wanna hear you more. Tell me more of your problem/s, if you have any. (I’m pretty sure, you have a lot) I am always here to listen and fix it w u. Let me help you. I always wanted to help make things work, but u opted to do it alone.

I love you so much, my love!

This is too much to ask, but I wanted u to need me, love me and never leave me. Tell me if you’ve read this.

Always,

Pau

[robbstark-archive-deactivated20]

ho ho holy shit it’s almost christmas

[nenengnene]

“Love has to be natural, it doesn’t have to be forced”

As a partner, I have the right to know everything naman di ba? Either positive or negative. But how can someone be selfish enough to fix things alone? Given the fact that he is in a relationship? and Why? ((I’ve been waiting here, always wanted to listen..)) Pero how did it come to this point na parang isa lang pala yung masaya, and the other has been struggling with his feelings without the other one knowing it.

All this time, akala mo both of u are happy. Pero ikaw lang pala. Hindi ko inaasahang hahantong sa ganito. I have so much questions in my mind rn.

Is it possible to have no reason for a fading love?

Is it possible to bring back the love you have before for that person and be happy together again?

What keeps someone hold onto the relationship kung hindi na pala same feelings like before ang nararamdaman nya?

Nanghihinayang lang ba sya sa relasyon kaya niya nilalaban?

Is this a test on how will I be dealing with it if we break up?

How to be just calm & positive and let things happen on its own?

All I do sa ngayon is umintindi at magtiwala na we’ll be okay. Besh, ang sakit eh. Para akong namatayan. Para akong nakipag break. Napakabigat ng loob ko (sa ngayon, pero I know eventually I’ll be fine, it’ll be back, everything will be okay again)..

[nenengnene]

Nandito nanaman ako. Dito lang naman ako tatakbo pag di ko na kaya. Wala naman akong masabihan kasi puta, sino pa ba? Para 'to sa taong insensitive. Una sa lahat, nasasaktan na ko. Oo! Yun lang naman hinaing ko eh. Alam mo, gusto ko lang naman maramdaman na secure ako sa'yo. Na ako lang. na wala akong dapat ika bahala. Na I don't have to feel insecure. Na kailangan mo ko kasi mahal mo ko. At hindi, mahal mo lang ako kasi may kailangan ka. Wag mo naman ako pabayaan mapraning. Isa pa, wag mo naman baliwalain lang mga drama ko. Kahit mukang joke, seryoso nasasaktan ako. Nagpapabebe man kung titignan, pero pls naman. Panghuli, wala man tong kinalaman sa insensitivity mo.. tulungan mo naman akong magtiwala sayo kasi wala eh? Parang may built-in trust issues ako. Always may pangamba. Always checking on u, always. Wala eh? Nasimulan mo ko eh. Yun lang. bye

[mae0x]

not to be dramatic but my whole soul hurts

[asvpfrenchie-deactivated2022112]

My attitude ain’t bad.. my patience just slim and y'all stupid

[nenengnene]

Sometimes you put (not so much) effort para sa taong mahal mo, but then he fails to meet your expectations. How do you handle/deal with it?

[nenengnene]

Kaya siguro di ako mapanatag na ibigay yung buong tiwala ko sayo, kasi ikaw mismo hindi sinasabi lahat.. porket ang tingin mo hindi mahalaga, hindi ka na nagaabala pang sabihin sa akin ha? Nagsabi naman ako, na sabihin mo lahat sakin kahit na alam mong makakasakit sakin. At least, alam ko dba? Yun yung importante. Kung gawin ko sayo yang ginagawa mo, matutuwa ka ba?

[nenengnene]

Alam mo, di ko alam kung anong meron ka eh. Kung bakit sa bawat panahon na magkikita tayo, o makita ka nya, laging parang gusto ka nyang pansinin at lapitan. Pero di nya magawa dahil alam niyang ikagagalit ko. Una sa lahat, pina-iwas ko na sya sayo kasi alam kong gusto mo sya. At baka magustuhan ka din nya dahil matalik kayong magkaibigan dba? Pero di mawala sakin magselos sayo. Dahil sa bawat pagtatagpo, ang tingin niya sa'yo ay iba. Inis na inis ako, sa sarili ko at sayo. Kung bakit ba naman kasi kailangan pang malaman kong di mo pala ko gusto para sa kaibigan mo. At dahil ang gusto mo ay magkaron ng kayo. Hindi ko lang alam, kung hanggang ngayon yan pa ang gusto mo.

[nenengnene]

Sorry kung naaalala lang kita pag may problema o pinagdadaanan ako, pasalamat ka nga naaalala kita eh.

[nenengnene]

One sided openness

Buti nalang two-sided love. I don't know if okay ba 'tong ganito na sobrang open ako sayo. Like, I share a lot of stories about my life (family, friends, even pag tae ko alam mo) to the extent na you know me whole; everything about me, literally. But, just tonight, I realized na you don't really share a lot lalo na pag about sa family mo, friends mo, etc. but yeah I know when u're pooping too. But.. what I wanna say is that, you don't go deep when the conversation comes to ur friends, (most especially) to ur fam. It's like, I'm giving you every detail that happened in my life pero sayo parang may tinatago ka pa sakin.. (Well, feeling ko lang naman yun),, kasi I just want u to know that I also wanna hear cute side stories mo with special people around u (of course excluding me) hayst. Can't explain further.. Haha

[nenengnene]

Cryin' the hell out of me because why not?

[nenengnene]

Ano ba ko sayo? Tangina. Sagutin mo. Nakakainis na eh. Nawawala na yung respeto na meron ka nung una. Binabastos mo na pagkababae ko. Kala mo naman maliit na bagay lang, pero nakakasakit ka sa mga sinasabi mo. My dignity has almost no worth. Galangin mo naman ako, babae ako. Tangina kung maliit na bagay at biro lang para sayo yun, sakin hindi. Bad-joke, nakakailang joke ka na ng ganon. Makiramdam ka namang hayup ka. Hindi ako sinilang sa mundo para ituring na bitchesa. You're making me fall out of love. Pero hindi ko naman kakayanin. Kasi ngayon palang, nasasaktan na ko. Nakakainis.. Ayoko na.. Pinaparamdam mo sakin na hindi ako worth it na maging partner mo. Ang sakit sakit. Ang sakit talaga. Ang hirap kayang umiyak ng walang tunog, ang hirap kaya magligil ng luha, ang hirap kayang huminga.. Ayoko na.. Hanggang dito nalang tong post na to.

[nenengnene]

Lesson for today:

Magpakain ka sa pagmamahal, wag sa pride. Kasi pag pala puro pride nalang pinairal natin, bandang huli, tayo din masasaktan.. Tayo din magsasuffer pag umiral na bigla yung soft side natin. Kasi biglang dadating yung realizations natin in life na, mali ka pala sa pagpapairal nang pride mo lalo pa't nagmamahal ka.. Realizations na umiiral pala yung pagiging immature mo.. Na mas lalo mo palang pinapalaki yung away na nagsimula lang naman sa hangin.. Na nailalayo mo lang pala sarili mo sa kanya kahit pa sobrang mahal na mahal mo sya.. In the end, sa pride mo, ikaw din pala matatalo.. Hindi pala dapat nagmamatigas. Lalo pa pag ikaw nalang palaging iniintindi. Nakakasama eh. Dapat pala itanim natin sa mga utak natin (at sa puso), na hindi habang buhay kaya kang pagtimpian ng minamahal mo. At mulatin mo ang sarili mo na hindi ka dapat umaasa sa "ang lalaki pag mahal ka iintindihin ka kahit gaano pa kabilis magpalit mood mo" o kaya sa "kung mahal nya ko, dapat pagtyagaan nya tong ugali ko" alam mo yun? Di ka nya minahal para i-build kang ganyan. Initiate to adjust yourself sa mga situations. Bye

[nenengnene]

I love you

Alam mo minsan hindi sapat ang I love you para masabi mong mahal mo ang isang tao. Kasi sa panahon ngayon kaya nating sabihin yung i love you kahit di naman natin talaga mahal ung tao. Show then and let them feel. Umeffort ka naman, wag puro salita.