Notes of a Vampyr

Name's Neo. Basically a Cyber-Journal-Scrapbook. This is my unfiltered honesty. I live without fear. I live without lies. I just need an output for everything in my crazy loner loser head. 

[neo-apollo]

To be completely transparent I’m tired of popping pills and smoking copious amounts of grass to deal with my life. - I’m unhappy and I need to make a real actual change.

[neo-apollo]

I've been popular and unpopular, successful and unsuccessful, loved and loathed and I know how meaningless it all is. Therefore, I feel free to take whatever risks I want.

Madonna

[neo-apollo]

I’m planning on making some shit happen in my life.

[neo-apollo]

Bonjour,

After the castration of tumblr I've chosen to make it home to some things. 

At first I was appalled when I heard the news that ‘adult oriented’ material would be essentially illegal in the tumblr community. It’s like the GOP has done so much to take away freedoms that I consider to be a right. This felt like another blow. - It’s not like I used or propagated sexually explicit photos but to take away the possibility seemed ultimately the most obscene. . .

So, why come back?

Well I wanted a simple place to express myself. This has served as that for me. I don’t know what others have sprung to. Maybe the younger generation is on some new shit I am not privy to. But, tumblr was my home. When I was at my lowest and had nothing 2011 I found acceptance here. . . 

[neo-apollo]

New Gaga and Tori in same day.

This works.

[neo-apollo]

08.26.16

Today’s wakeup was a frustrating event. I had a horrible dream about an ex of mine Allie. She has, since our falling out of touch, given birth and I think gotten married I don’t pay that much attention. I’m really not broken up about it. She was a mad, foolish girl who created problems for herself and the people around her. But in the dream I apparently was the father of her child and her mother was crying to me by the lake behind my house and I was telling her I wanted a paternity test. It was very strange I was suddenly in front of Allie and I’m guessing her current beau and I was denying pretty much everything. Then I ran to change my clothes for whatever reason and every time I tried to put anything on I ripped the clothing like I was too big for it. And the room was the old room I shared with Ingrid not Allie. Then for whatever reason my gameboy that I keep in my bag I carry to work was smoking and was on fire. When I woke up I smiled and audibly said thank god! It was a mad mad dream. It actually really scared me. I don’t dream when I smoke grass. It just soothes my anxieties. But I haven’t had any for days I ended up taking another Percocet last night then when I couldn’t sleep I took a quarter of another pill. I sang and sang poorly I should add until I got tired. I can remember at like three in the morning I started doing dishes but it’s all kind of hazy. I can’t really tell why. The second time or maybe the third time it’s all so cloudy, I woke up it was ten forty and I hopped up felt so sick and ran out the door I got a double cappuccino at Starbucks it was raining so bad on and off my entire way too work. Still no cows but I hoped they wouldn’t be out today with the sporadic yet torrential rainfall It was so strange. I didn’t even get my usual spot at work because my car started making noise like it needed the power steering fluid all of a sudden. So I just parked in the first spot I could find. I got so bothered during driving that I actually turned off the radio. I just have felt so nauseous all day. I need to stop with the pills. No good could possibly come of it. On my first break I got another cappuccino. My nerves began to wear very thin the more and more stupid annoying calls I received. April doesn’t work on Friday or Saturday so there is very little solace in days like this. I can’t believe I have to do this all over again tomorrow.

[neo-apollo]

08.25.16 - II

Work was dreadfully uneventful. All the seats by April were already taken so I had to sit elsewhere. I ended up getting pretty bothered and started getting almost anxious taking call after call. Over and over on the same old circuit. My nerves sometimes begin to wear down my patience. April and I had been chatting all day on the lync chat on the computers. Everyday it’s like we just keep finding more things that we have in common. I was talking about when I get married I’d want to an Elvis impersonator to officiate. Then I corrected myself with “or a Bloody Kurt Cobain” and she was typing the exact same thing. We both didn’t know why we went straight to Kurt but we did. I get that smile. That smile you get when you’re chatting with someone and they say something so adorable you can’t help but feel yourself flutter almost inside yourself. Not ‘the stomach flip’ thats something entirely different. But a feeling that’s just as undeniable. By the time my lunch started a spot opened up beside her and she asked me if i’d move my seat. I did of course. And then my day went so quickly. Everything is better when she’s around. I feel better.

Maybe I’m lonelier than I realize. I think for me the loneliness has been like the dark. You adjust to it and eventually you can see and function in it. You keep moving so all the parts still work and it all keeps making sense. Then you get these moments in the light. Like when you’re next to someone who makes you feel alive. She’s like that light. I feel great when I’m around her. Then when I’m not I realize that I’ve just been silently seething in the dark. April makes me want to be a better person. I just love making her laugh and seeing her smile. I don’t feel that way about anyone else and haven’t since Ingrid. I was telling her today how I was planning a vacation and I’ve always wanted to go to Egypt or Morocco. She admitted to me that she was obsessed with Egyptian artifacts when she was younger, as was I. Everyone I know usually always makes fun of me for that obsession I was always drawn to it. I know it’s nothing. But I can’t ignore that it feels like something. I feel something between us. I won’t act on it. I never would. The fear of losing her over something I’ve created completely in my own head is too frightening to bear.

[neo-apollo]

08.25.16 - I

This morning I felt a little sick. I got up to run to the restroom and maybe I got up just too fast. Then again it could also have been the percocet I took last night. I smoked my last joint the night of the twenty third. I realized that I’ve been trying to just escape from anything. Even with the percocet I almost didn’t take it. I held it in my hand staring at that little white pill then looking at myself in the mirror. I said aloud to myself “Well you’ve taken more, you’ve always survived” and popped it in my mouth. I figured it would help me relax and enjoy my shower - and it did. I so desperately needed to sleep and that surely helped with that. The dog ended up coming into the shower too. He’s funny like that. Anytime he gets wet he must think he’s super fast or something because he runs around the house like crazy and I chased him with the bath towel to dry him off so we ran and played for almost an hour. You’d never know by how he’s acting lately that he almost died last month, or that the cancer is coursing through his veins. I try not to think about it. Sooner than later he’ll be gone like everyone else. 

Coffee, marble rye, and Nina Simone. Todays morning colored in hues of freedom and big questions. - I was surprised this morning when I opened the door and saw Marshall sitting like a lump in the chair in the living room. He’d chosen to work from home today so my favorite time of day was stolen from me.

Going through complete avoidance I did find a way to enjoy my morning. Got dressed and did my hair so I don’t look homeless today. The last few days I think I’ve been just rolling out of bed feeling just exhausted. I got enough sleep finally being well rested is a feeling that has eluded me for much too long. I left the house right on time and made my way to work. I did have to stop and put power steering fluid in the car but I’ve gotten used to the inconvenience at this point. A song I haven’t heard in such a long time came on the radio as I was taking the 303. ‘My Life’ the No Doubt song used to be one of my absolute favorites. I used to rush home and turn on that music video countdown and I would get so excited over that video the killing off the band. I loved dark humor. Very tongue in cheek. My sister and I used to run down to the basement of my grandparents’ house and dance around to that banshee sound. That and the 'I Believe in a Thing Called Love’ tune which now is just synonymous with Ingrid but - I digress. The cows were gone again. I hope they come back. I do love seeing them.

[neo-apollo]

08.23.16 - IV

On my way out of the parking garage the car I front of me stops and begins to talk to some portly slob wasting time of the people around them with complete disregard. I didn’t get angry like I have in the past. I moved on. Accepted they are senseless beasts so it allows me to let it go and move on. On my way to and from work I usually see the Moo Moo cows it’s my favorite part of my day. The illustration of a simple uncomplicated life. It’s something I yearn for :simplicity. It’s ironic because my life is only complicated entirely by myself but I feel it’s unavoidable. I fantasize about a time hopefully in the near future living completely alone in a two bedroom in complete solitude. Never to speak to anyone ever again. It sounds peaceful. Dramatic but peaceful and completely sustainable. But the cows where gone like they where that morning. When I got home I began my ritual cooking and then eating fajitas on Tuesday nights. Lily was washing the baby and I was tripping over everyone in the kitchen because everyone is always in my way. Finally when I was able to eat it takes me forever to just get everything ready and I had no ice. Marshall finally tried to fix the ice machine properly and so I didn’t get to have my ice cold beverage with my dinner. I like simple pleasures I feel like I don’t ask for much. I don’t need much to be happy but ice is something that soothes my nerves I use it in every part of my day. Wash my face with it in the morning. Crushed ice throughout the day then when I go to bed I fill a towel with ice because I overheat so easily during the night. While I was eating my absolutely delicious dinner Lily made a big deal about feeding the dogs. She sighs and gets out of breath making a fuss about having to do anything. She probably gets so exhausted because she’s overweight and if she wasn’t so lazy I think she’d be a lot happier but she would never deduce that conclusion. I look at them harshly maybe too harshly they aren’t the brightest bunch but they do always mean well. I put on Amadeus while I was cooking and eating I’ve always loved that movie. In a lot of ways I could see myself in the portrayal of Mozart. Glib, pompous, tortured by histories of failed ambitions.

[neo-apollo]

08.23.16 - III

While I was getting my computer ready April walked by asked me why I was at work so early. I stared at her blankly asking what she meant. Then I realized it was the twenty-third, the first day of my new schedule. I was thirty minutes early. She then asked if i would sit by her i figured i had the time to move so why not?. April and I are friends, good friends. I don’t have many people I hold closely. She’s someone I once, about a year ago, fell horribly and hopelessly head over heels for. Not many people understand how i think or really even care. She does. It’s rare when you meet those people who actually make you want to be better. I’ve been dealing with the misguided feelings just fine. She’s not interested in me that way and I for one can’t blame her. Her and I simply wouldn’t make sense. That doesn’t make me desire her any less but helps me accept it and move on. 

After getting setting up all those stupid programs that run at a glacier pace that make my job absolutely infuriating, I offered to go grab coffee for us before my shift started. She went to grab her card I told her not to worry about about it just to text me her order. I said I didn’t want to make the coffee shop girl do two transactions. It was a stupid lie but you do stupid things when you like someone. I ran down the stairs but then before I ran out the door to the other building where the coffee cart is I realized I forgot my badge. So, I went back up using the elevator which I don’t ever like using. I feel when you work in a building with like four floors there is no need for a blasted elevator. I grabbed my badge dashed to the coffee cart and there in front of the cash register a sign saying that it is closed from 11.30-1. Another annoyance to add to the day. 

The day ended up going pretty smoothly. I like making her laugh. The calls where slow so we had time in between to talk. I whined about my housemates and fawned over my dog. She went on about her boyfriend and other details of her rather simple life. I only had about thirty minutes after she left to take calls alone. I of course got stuck about ten or so minutes after my shift ended on a call. It always happens to me but I didn’t particularly mind. Even without lunch I was in a great mood. 

[neo-apollo]

08.23.16 - II

Waking again to a lingering pain almost hiding now. It reminds me of those meerkats at the zoo just every so often popping up inflicting damage but you can feel the vibrations underneath the surface all along. Staggering out from my cocoon I turn on the television and turn down the air and start my routine. I have about two hours until I must leave. Coffee and dry toast watch a bit of bad television and get moving. This is the time of the day I like the most. Everyone is gone and everything is silent. I am forced to go out back with McBoot because we saw a toad the other day. For whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to kill it. I know what dangers it brings and it was in my abilities the night before to take care of the threat but as I stared at the gross slimy creature with these puffed out bags on the side of its face I saw terror and I couldn’t extinguish it’s disgusting existence. Something has changed inside me maybe it’s for the better maybe not I find it really hard to even tell anymore. I grabbed my headphones and made my way to work. I don't usually drive with headphones in but listening to 'the hours' soundtrack I felt extremely safe in my cone of calm. Once I got to work I found the parking spot I like was available. So I sauntered from the fourth floor of the parking garage to my desk at work moving cohesive complete and utterly languid each movement felt deliberate and very much in the moment being completely present and actually more aware without my hearing.

[neo-apollo]

08.23.16 - I

I woke to the light shining through my window a pounding headache behind both eyes. Palpable blood thirsty leaches sucking the life from my eye-pits. The dog McBoot whining because he could hear my housemates stirring in the other rooms. They slam everything. Contemptuous dim witted beings of complete disregard. They don’t mean to be a bother but most certainly are. I could feel my mattress when I woke. I must’ve passed out before putting my sheets on the bed. What a horrible feeling it’s probably why I slept so poorly. Simply gotten too high and subsequently too lazy to do anything and just passed out watching some melodramatic doctor show. The pain pulsates through my brain like I can feel the heartbeat of the leaches causing my loath. But per-usual the moment I open my eyes I have to urinate. Each day this weekend has ended up the same. I over smoke not to think or even feel whatever pain I’m running away from I can’t even remember anymore. It’s been so long. Which in turn causes me to pass out mid whatever I’m doing and sleep dreadfully. So I rise with the dog prancing around me thinking its feeding time. I look at my phone it says 6.08. Christ I’m tired of this life. I stumble in my agony to the restroom where I can see the light shining through the seam of the door - it’s being used. They have their own but for whatever reason they choose mine. I stop myself from banging on the door for them to leave. I feel angry now so fed up with being around others. It’s odd how loneliness captures you. On one hand I’m hopelessly lonely and each day leaving my house hoping someone will come up and ease my pain with some kind words; on the other hand I can’t stand hearing or even looking at anyone because the day to day annoyances make me crave absolute isolation. So I go to the kitchen, test the ice machine, still no ice. I roll my eyes to myself with a serge of pain hitting me that makes me feel bad for being such a negative wet blanket all the time. Marshall one of my housemates acted like he fixed it last night but I knew he didn’t he fails at everything he tries to fix. And he was the one I was sure who was in my way to the restroom. So I popped a few Ibuprofen and drank a glass of water. I considered going outside and pissing on a bush but it felt uncivilized so I just went back put on an eye mask to block the sun then removed all my other clothes repositioned my fan sitting on the dogs cage to blow directly on me. I tried to rest until Marshall would come to let my dog outside at which time I would then go to the restroom which i did. And fell back asleep with the same stupid chip on my shoulder that I’ve been carrying around for much too long.

[isoe]

Visit Original Link

[neo-apollo]

Tori’s spice girls tour. The whole project was just so amazing people like to criticize it but i think that only adds to the appeal for me. 

Rediscovering this record actually became a fun experience thanks to her billions of supplementary images. Also it came out right at the initial big rush of videos on youtube was a real thing in 2007 at least it was for me. So the amount of bootleg videos and lots and lots of fan photos. These are some of my favorites. I’ve always been a collector of images .

[rivermanblues-blog]

Visit Original Link

[themusicismymasterr]

Visit Original Link

[neo-apollo]

The radio is trying to kill me. - This and Midnight I think my heart has been filleted …

[neo-apollo]

August : Osage County x 2014

It hits so hard because it’s true. This fit just so well today. It’s all about leaving those demons outside. - And another with Sam Shepard who is one of the absolute coolest actors he’s got that something. If I believed in Idols (Which I don’t) he’d be one.