number one summer enthusiast , ily summer , fake piano player , ryland grace is my very real boyfriend ૮₍ ´ ꒳ `₎ა atm , kaomoji lover , posting from the hell of my chud bedroom , full of whimsy and hate , neoppplee , sorry but uh i ate that thanf , grace look disgust when eeet , o also no pics are mios , may or may not be @gracepill
ryland grace knew his brother was friends with all sorts of troublemakers and constantly surrounded himself with bad influences. but maybe not all of them were that bad after all—not when he was friends with you.
pairing: ryland grace x f!reader
status: ongoing
tags/warnings: strangers to friends to lovers. university au. coltland twins + older brother gentry au. blended smau. inconsistent posting schedule. hurt/comfort. rocky is a bernese mountain dog. kys/kms jokes. suicidal but as joke but not as a joke. mentions of partying/clubbing. alcohol use. smoking. suggestive at a certain level. lots of cursing. everyone here is ooc lowkey. no beta we die like the sun. warnings may change as the story progresses. mdni.
taglist: open, reply to be added
INTRODUCTIONS: colt has skid marks | group 5 gen chemistry ii
PROLOGUE: fuck you and fuck your apologies
CHAPTER ONE: wtf is a ryland
CHAPTER TWO: pathetic, good for nothing, wet cat loser
summary after watching notting hill, rocky has come up with a conclusion that you and ryland should "mate", since you both are single.
content no smut. fluff. rocky being a matchmaker.
a/n based on this request. i don't take requests at all actually but an anon sent me that and i love the idea so much i just had to write it!! also i got lazy toward the end i'm sorry 🧍🏽♀️also i haven't rewatched notting hill in a hot minute so pls forgive the innacuracy i don't remember anything from the film shshshs. english is not my first language
masterlist | read on ao3
a long time ago in a galaxy far, far awa—
whoops. okay, wrong movie.
actually, it had started with a spilled orange juice in notting hill.
you sat squeezed on the railings between ryland grace and rocky the eridian under the dim glow of the projector screen. the three of you had turned the room into a makeshift cinema for another round of “earth's cultural immersion night” as ryland called it. tonight’s feature: notting hill. ryland's all-time favorite.
but here's the thing: the film had not even been halfway when you realized that ryland was not watching it like a normal person.
to be fair, he had warned you and rocky beforehand that he might get emotional, but you hadn’t expected full-on waterworks.
“wait, wait— this bit,” he whispered urgently, grabbing your arm while pointing at the projector, his temple touching yours. “this is one of the best scenes in cinema.”
“ryland, we're still on the opening credits.”
then, the second julia roberts appeared on screen, he went still. like completely frozen you weren't sure if he was even breathing. then he made a sound. something between a gasp and a sob that tried and failed to stay inside his body.
“oh my god,” he whispered. “that’s her. that’s her.”
you blinked, eyebrows meeting in a knot. “you mean julia roberts?”
he didn’t even look at you. “she’s incredible. do you— do you see her? she’s perfect. julia roberts is objectively—”
by the time ryland moved his eyes from the screen and saw you raising your eyebrows, he stammered. “i— i mean— look, i’m just saying science should study her face.”
you chuckled, more entertained watching ryland's reaction than the film itself. you have always thought of him as the 2001, singin' in the rain type of guy. not notting hill. but you were not complaining.
that was one among many things. the other was when ryland hit pause approximately every six minutes to provide unsolicited facts about the film.
“that’s the real travel bookshop in london.”
pause.
“that line was improvised.”
pause.
“fun fact: hugh grant stammered because—”
pause.
“did you know—”
pause.
“ryland,” you said, nails digging into the outer layer of the popcorn bowl.
“yes?”
“if you pause the film one more time i’m ejecting you into space.”
he actually looked genuinely offended.
by the time julia roberts delivered the iconic line “i'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”, ryland was openly crying. not just quiet sniffles but full, shoulder-shaking, nose-running tears. he kept wiping his face with the back of his hand, muttering “it's just allergies” while you handed him another tissue and rubbed his back.
in the meantime, rocky watched the whole meltdown with polite confusion, he made some noises that you have rendered as thoughtful hums.
the movie ended. credits played. ryland blew his nose one last time and sighed, all watery and content. "best rom-com ever made. nothing can beat it."
rocky was still seemingly staring toward the screen, then toward ryland, then toward you before his voice came through the translator.
“why male human make many mistakes, question?”
“because he’s british,” ryland muttered quickly.
you laughed.
rocky however, had accepted this as a scientific fact.
the lights had come back, fully lit. the ship humming around you. and rocky was in full interrogation mode.
"why grace face leak water during movie, question? is broken, question? or is this the love thing, question?"
ryland laughed wetly. "it's emotion, rock. humans cry when stuff hits hard. happy cry, sad cry, whatever. that ending…. gets me every time."
"rocky amaze," rocky said, though he sounded more puzzled. “rocky have many question. is okay, question?”
“yeah, buddy. sure, what are they?” you answered.
“why human female cry at end, question? she get male. happy ending. no death. why tears, question?”
ryland laughed again, still dabbing at his eyes. “because it’s beautiful, rocky. it’s about love winning against all odds. the vulnerability, the grand gesture—”
“grand gesture inefficient,” rocky interrupted. “human male could state intention clearly at beginning. save many minute of film. also, why all humans speak so fast, question? rocky understand only sixty-three percent of dialogue.”
you bit your lip to keep from laughing. ryland shot you a mock-offended look, but his puffy eyes ruined the effect.
he looked adorable like this, you thought.
rocky wasn’t done. “conclusion: human love is voluntary madness, question?”
“that is honestly one of the best definitions i’ve heard,” you said, nodding to no one in particular.
“thank.” rocky clicked happily. you grinned.
ryland leaned forward, still emotional. “human love is…. it’s…. it’s everything, rocky. it’s wanting to be with someone, protect them, make them laugh, share your life. it’s scary and messy and the best thing in the universe.”
rocky’s claws tapped thoughtfully against his carapace. “rocky understand. similar to eridian bonding. rocky miss adrian. adrian very good mate. strong claws. excellent at solving differential equations under pressure. adrian once fix life support during solar flare with only three limbs. very impressive.”
ryland nodded solemnly, still wiping his nose. “sounds like a keeper.”
“yes,” rocky agreed. “adrian best. rocky and adrian mate for life. very efficient. just chemical compatibility test and immediate lifelong commitment. much better than human method.”
you chuckled. the contrast between the romantic movie and rocky’s brutal take on human relationships was incredible.
“human female chose grace-movie-human because emotional resonance stronger than status hierarchy, statement.” rocky added.
“hugh grant,” ryland corrected.
“yes. grace-movie-human hugh grant.”
“that's not even—”
rocky went on, ignoring him, “humans perform strange mating rituals. walking in park. staring at each other during rain.”
“it’s a romance film, rocky. it exaggerates.” you said.
“incorrect.”
you frowned. “what?"
“i observe same behavior between you and grace.”
silence.
you blinked. ryland froze. you and ryland glanced toward each other, purely instincts, before quickly turning your heads away.
ryland opened his mouth, then closed it again. “what— what are you talking about, bud?"
rocky turned his head fully toward you and ryland. “rocky observe! both you and grace single. no mate. no offspring planned. wasteful. better to have partner for support.”
your throat suddenly went dry. “uh, rocky—”
“logical solution obvious,” rocky continued, completely serious. “you and grace should mate. immediate. grace cry at romantic film, has strong reproductive drive and emotional capacity. you laugh at grace crying, shows good humor compatibility. both breathe same air, tolerate same gravity. perfect match. rocky approve.”
your face went hot. ryland’s mouth opened and closed like a fish.
“rocky, buddy, that’s not how it works—” ryland started, voice cracking with leftover tears and sudden panic.
“why not, question?” rocky asked, genuinely confused. “human film show this. two lonely human. one grand gesture. mating happen. happy ending. rocky can help with grand gesture. rocky very good at engineering. can build large sign. or small explosive for dramatic effect.”
before you could say anything more, rocky lifted one claw.
“rocky have evidence for human love. evidence one: you save last black human drink for grace.”
“you meant coffee—?”
rocky interrupted you by lifting another claw.
“evidence two: grace give you extra dessert ration pretending accidental.”
“i mean— she loves pudding—”
third claw.
“evidence three: you touch each other many unnecessary times.”
your face went warm. ryland choked.
“we do not—”
rocky cut you off yet again. “correction. grace touch shoulder. arm. back. hair always.”
ryland made a strangled sound. “you remember that?”
“i remember everything, statement.”
“it wasn't even—”
rocky kept going.
“evidence four: when you sleep in command module during bad radiation storm, grace watch you breathe for thirty-seven minutes.”
ryland whipped around. “rocky!”
you turned to ryland almost immediately, faster than the speed of light.
“you watched me sleep?!”
his ears turned pink.
“i— i was checking if you were dead!”
your mouth fell open for a minute. “honestly i don't know if that's sweet or borderline edward cullen-type of creepy.”
“who is edward cullen, question?”
"nobody!” you and ryland answered at the same time.
“romantic,” rocky said as another part of his observation.
“that is not romantic!” you and ryland countered back together again.
“very romantic.” rocky said calmly. “why you two not mate, question?”
“rocky,” ryland sighed, head bobbing down while his hand rubbed the back of his neck, trying to find the right word to explain.
“you can’t just…. suggest that, buddy.” he said carefully, voice cracking just a little.
“why not, question?”
“because that’s not how humans—” he stopped, rubbed his face, then muttered, “oh my god, i’m being out-argued by a space spider.”
rocky, completely serious: “i am not spider. i am rocky.”
then rocky made delighted clicking noises. "you two are alone. no mate. you watch movie together. you make grace leak water. you bring grace extra blanket when he complain about cold. you tease grace when he talk too much about science. this is like movie. you should mate."
ryland looked like he wanted to crawl into the air vent. "rocky—"
"is good plan," rocky continued cheerfully. "you do the hug thing often. you say 'good job' to each other even when not necessary. on erid this means mating time soon. very obvious. why wait, question? humans like waiting too much. inefficient."
your face burned. you tried to laugh it off but this time it came out strangled. the little alien was absolutely not going to let this go. you never seen this kind of determination from rocky before, unless it was about the mission.
"rocky, buddy," ryland managed, voice cracking with a mix of horror and laughter, "that's not— i mean, we're friends. crewmates. get it? CREWMATES. CREW. not…. not mates. not romantic mates. "
"friends who leak water together over love movie," rocky countered, sounding proud of his logic. "friends who fix each other mistakes in calculations. friends who stay up late talking about home. this is romantic in movie. why not in real, question? you both single. no mark to hate here."
ryland groaned and buried his face in his hands. "oh god, not the mark thing again."
“who's mark?”you asked.
“nobody!” ryland answered, a little too fast.
“humans in film.” rocky continued. “they do bonding rituals. this is mating behavior, question?”
ryland choked. “what— no— rocky, no, that’s not—”
but rocky was already continuing, tone unchanged.
“male human watches female human. expression changes. heart rate likely increased. behavior similar to when you observe her.”
"oh my god…. oh my god…. oh my god. rocky, i don’t have—”
“incorrect,” rocky interrupted. “you do. you observe her frequently. pupil dilation increases. voice pattern softens. you perform assistance behavior not required for survival.”
you slowly turned your head toward ryland.
he was now the color of a man who had just been scientifically outed for having feelings. he buried his face into his palms. you were willing to bet that his face was just as red as his ears right now. you felt your own heating up as well.
“i do not— i mean— those are just normal— i am a professional!” rylan tried to counter back again. so far you have nothing else to contribute but letting ryland to represent both your sides in this debate.
rocky continued, relentless in his analysis.
“you also share food. sit close. laugh at small noises she makes. this is mating-adjacent behavior.”
"we were trying to ration food—"
“and she reciprocates,” rocky added, now shifting attention to you. “you also exhibit proximity preference toward ryland grace.”
“you do?” ryland suddenly asked, sounded a little too enthusiastic. not at all what you expected.
both of their attention now were on you, and you stammered looking for the right thing to say in order to not make this worse.
“i— i mean—”
“conclusion updated,” rocky interrupted. “you should mate.”
“i haven't even said anything yet!” you countered back.
“rocky have seen enough.”
“rocky,” ryland said weakly. “my guy, please stop doing science at me. i mean us.”
“science is observation.”
“i am being observed incorrectly. i meant we."
rocky continued, undeterred. “also: grace cry when female human appears on screen. this indicate strong attachment response.”
“that was character appreciation!”
“you said ‘she is perfect’ twenty-seven times.”
“that was.… artistic commentary.”
“i mean rocky's right.” you added, shrugging. to be fair, julia roberts was an incredibly charming woman.
“you're making this worse!”
you held up both hands in surrender. “sorry.”
then you made the mistake of looking at him.
he looked back.
and immediately looked away again like he had been caught committing a crime.
“eye contact.” rocky said in a sing-song.
“please stop.”
you glanced at ryland. “he’s not wrong about that one. you do look at me a lot and i don't know why.”
that made him go very still.
the air between you shifted. like something that had always been sitting quietly in the room had finally been named.
ryland swallowed. “yeah,” he said, voice lower. “well. i mean. you’re easy to look at.”
you blinked before letting out a scoff. “huh. wow. okay.”
he immediately panicked. “that came out wrong. not like— scientific observation. not like rocky observation. just— human observation. normal human—”
“ryland.”
he stopped again.
“is this mating behavi—”
“no!” you and ryland said simultaneously.
———————
much later, rocky was curled up in his little ball, lights dimmed for ship-night, his breathing low and rhythmic.
asleep.
you and ryland sat nearby, watching rocky as both of you had promised to him since the first time you met. to be left alone with ryland after what went down in the projector room was as awkward as you had imagined without rocky's usual quips. neither of you had moved for ten minutes, pretending not to replay the entire conversation in your heads.
pretending like your minds were not going back and forth between two "what if he's right" and "what if he's wrong" questions.
what if rocky was right and maybe there was perhaps a little spark there between you and ryland grace? hidden to the two of you but undeniable to the alien?
what if this was just the result of being the only two people from the same species being 11 light years away from home?
perhaps it was the latter. perhaps it was nothing. like who cares if ryland watched you sleep during the radiation storm? you were the pilot, he was the scientist. you two needed one another for this mission, to survive. the coffee/dessert part? just the two of you being polite. the blanket? he was cold. watching movies together? well, who else were you supposed to see them with? and thank goodness rocky wasn't around yet to see you cry against ryland's neck while watching casablanca together. if notting hill was his undoing, yours would be that.
it was probably 10 minutes later when ryland finally muttered a simple “well.”
“well.” you repeated.
and more silence.
“that was…. something. earlier, you know?” he laughed nervously. "crazy."
“did not have a rock alien setting me up on my bingo card this year.” you said.
"i didn't even have "meeting an alien" on my bingo card at all.”
you snorted.
ryland smiled too before looking down. “but do you…. do you think.…”
“think what?”
he rubbed his neck, hesitating. he went quiet for a while before shaking his head. “nothing.”
you watch him momentarily. “ryland.”
he looked up at you, glasses low. his eyes uncertained, more vulnerable than you’d ever seen him.
“did you watch me sleep during the radiation storm?”
a beat.
“a little.”
“a little? for thirty-seven minutes?”
“that number is way too specific.”
you laughed. “maybe rocky exaggerated that part.”
he smiled, then exhaled. “yeah, maybe.”
“but the rest of them are true.” you added.
the ship was quiet again. you looked at him. really looked at him this time. and suddenly he was no longer the awkward, rambling scientist who couldn’t sit through a movie without turning it into a commentary track. not the guy who got emotional over rom-coms and denied it. but the person who had been there through everything. who made you laugh when things got too heavy. who noticed when you were off before you even said anything.
“which part?” he asked, quieter now.
you hesitated, then forced yourself to meet his eyes. “the…. stuff about us. spending time together. looking out for each other. all that.”
he swallowed.
“that’s just…. normal, right?” he said, but there was uncertainty in it now. he didn't even believe what he said.
“is it?” you asked gently. “but it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
he didn’t answer, so you kept going.
“you stay up with me when i can’t sleep,” you said. “even when you’re exhausted. you remember the smallest things about me. stuff i don’t even remember telling you. you—” you stopped yourself, then shook your head a little, smiling faintly. “you always make sure i eat before you do.”
he let out a quiet breath, eyes flicking down.
“you do things too,” he said quickly, almost like he needed to even the scale. “you— you check on me when i get too caught up in work. you bring me those stupid snacks i like even though they’re objectively terrible. you—” he huffed a small, nervous laugh. “you laugh at my jokes. that alone is, like, a huge indicator of something.”
you snorted. “your jokes are funny.”
“they are not funny.”
“they are to me.”
when your eyes meet again, something in his expression shifted. softened. the same way like it had earlier during the movie, but this time it wasn’t directed at a screen.
it was at you.
“….that’s the thing,” he said quietly. “it’s…. different with you.”
your heart skipped.
“different how?” you asked, just as quietly.
he hesitated, like he was choosing his words carefully, or maybe just trying to find them at all.
“i don’t—” he stopped, exhaling. “i don’t feel like i have to be ‘on’ around you. you know? like…. i’m not performing or over-explaining or trying to prove anything. i can just…. be.”
you didn’t realize how much you needed to hear that until he said it.
your voice came out softer than you expected. “you don’t have to prove anything to me.”
“i know,” he said. “that’s…. kind of the point.”
a beat again.
he shifted closer. so close your shoulders touched. your breath hitched, stomach doing that stupid thing again. but neither of you moved away.
“can i ask something stupid?”
you didn't trust yourself to speak so you just nodded.
“if i kissed you right now….” he swallowed. “.…would that ruin everything?”
silence.
your lips parted but not words came out, eyes already flickering to his mouth.
“i guess there’s one way to test that hypothesis.”
he was the one who leaned first, crashing his lips against yours carefully, like one wrong move and everything would be ruined. then he stilled. his lips were softer than you imagine. you felt his hesitations, felt his contemplation, if he should pull away or keep going.
but then he finally moved. slow, testing the waters. you kissed him back, sighing into his mouth a little like you've been waiting months for him to do it. perhaps you had but haven't admitted it to yourself until now.
you felt his hand hover near your face before finally settling to cup your jaw, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to touch you at all, while having his lips on you. like you were the most sacred things in the universe that he wanted to protect.
“excellent.”
“ARGH!!!!”
you flinched at the sudden interruption. ryland automatically jumped from his seat, holding your shoulder and hid behind you.
it was rocky.
and rocky was very much awake.
upright. watching. jazz hands wiggling.
“rocky!” ryland screamed.
“you were not asleep?!” you asked, voice high.
“correct.”
ryland yelped. “were you spying on us?!”
“no.”
pause.
“listening.”
“that IS spying, rocky!" you groaned.
“successful mating initiation.” rocky sounded smug, which should have been impossible for an alien spider.
“oh, jesus.” you hid your face in your palm while ryland slowly sat back down.
“adrian would be pleased.” rocky clicked proudly. “when is the wedding, question?”
"nope! no more questions from you! that’s it. movie nights are cancelled forever,” ryland said, pointing accusingly. “done. over.”
“incorrect,” rocky replied. “more mating films required for further study.”
“stop analyzing us like we're lab experiments!” you said.
“it is a lab experiment,” rocky countered calmly. "rocky will need to see the mating process now.”
“no!”
ryland looked like he was this close from ejecting rocky to outer space. pissed but in an adorable way.
"ryland, ryland. calm down. it's okay." you giggled, hand caressing his chest and kissing his cheek while he was still mock glaring at rocky, just to see something. he went red all over again.
