the river's a hoarder

bianca / 21 / shutting off my brain to spite my heart

[stuckinapril]

are u ever sick w longing. and i don't just mean romantic longing. i mean longing for a place you barely get to see, longing for friends you no longer have, longing for feelings you might have left behind in your childhood, longing for creativity, longing for a rich and more expansive life, longing for less inhibition. longing for more passion. longing for ur life to be so incandescent w something it thaws all the frost in ur bones. are u ever so consumed w it it rends ur heart in two. do u understand me

[stuckinapril]

this is not just "look out the window and sigh" longing. i'm talking you're at the grocery store and you're suddenly hit w a wave of grief bc you don't have it. you don't have whatever it is you ache so badly to have. you go about your everyday life and yet it throbs under your skin moment by moment, almost as though it has a life of its own. that's the kind of longing i mean.

[podencos]

just… learn to change the oil in your car, know how to darn a hole in your favorite sweater, take no for an answer sometimes, accept when you don’t know something, think critically, discern when to stand up for yourself and when to back down, possess integrity, hold yourself gracefully, be comfortable w eating alone and even more comfortable w being put in awkward positions, develop rituals and habits, observe as much as but hopefully more than you judge, talk freely but listen actively, if you offer unsolicited advice be willing to also receive it, apologize for interrupting I don’t care if you grew up culturally doing that it’s respectful to maintain awareness of the world you weren’t raised in, shop w a grocery list rather than by the seat of your pants, pick your friends up from and drop them off at the airport, have hobbies that hone your craft, speaking of honing your craft: take your creativity seriously by continuously challenging and sharpening it, this one can be endlessly trying but working to cultivate a healthy relationship w what troubles you rather than resorting to castigating yourself upon approaching that which is unfamiliar, never show up empty handed to someone’s home for the first time, and help them clean up at the end of the evening, but leave as soon as you start wanting to go home so you don’t tinge the otherwise enjoyable time you had w irritation, date yourself, do the dishes before bed, also make your bed every morning, and clean parts of your home everyday, always seek knowledge beyond traditional education, move your body as much as it allows so you may sustain some sort of secure relationship w it as you age, judge the capacity as much as you do the intent, have a curiosity-driven mindset, know that you and the world you live in are mutable, value different perspectives but remain steadfast in your principals and beliefs, write by hand as much as you type, take initiative without prompting, seek help when and where necessary, learn to be financially literate, have friends who are significantly older than you (some of my dearest friends are in their 50s and 70s), learn from failures and setbacks by acknowledging and growing beyond your limitations, be the friend you wish(ed) you had by building and maintaining meaningful connections, embrace opportunities for personal and professional growth, recognize both the importance of compromise and when to choose discord over maintaining the peace, express gratitude regularly

[inkskinned]

i think a lot about exactly 1 thing from the roman empire: the concept of bread and circus. the idea was that if your population was fed and entertained, they wouldn't revolt. you are asking us to give up our one small life, is the thing - for under 15 dollars an hour.

what would that buy, even. i am trading weekends and late nights and my back health. i am trading slow mornings and long walks and cortisol levels. i am trading sleep and silence and peace. for ... this. for what barely-covers-rent.

life really is more expensive right now. you aren't making that up. i make almost 3 times what i did 5 years ago, and despite an incredibly equal series of bills - i am still struggling. the most expensive line item i added was to own a dog. the money is just evaporating.

we were okay with it because it's a cost-benefit analysis. i could handle the customer harassment and standing all day and the manager's constantly changing temperament - i was coming home to hope, and my life planned in a blue envelope. three hours would buy me my dog's food for a month. i can give up three hours for him, for his shiny coat and wide, happy mouth. three days could be a new mattress, if i was thrifty. if i really scrimped and saved, we could maybe afford a trip into the city.

recently i cried in the car about the price of groceries.

business majors will be mad at me, but my most inflammatory opinion is that people should never be valued at the same place as products. your staff should not be a series of numbers in an excel sheet that you can just "replace" whenever you need something at that moment. your staff should be people, end of sentence.

it feels like someone somewhere is playing a very bad video game. like my life is a toy. like someone opened an app on their phone and hired me in diner dash ultra. they don't need to pay me well or treat me alright - they can always just show me the door. there is always someone more desperate, always someone more willing.

but i go to work and know i could save for years and not afford housing. i am never going to own my own home, most likely. i have no idea how to afford her ring, much less the wedding. my dog doesn't have his own yard. everything i love is on subscription. if i lose my job, i have no "nest egg" to catch my falling.

this thin life - they want me to give up summer for it. to open my mouth and throat and swallow the horrible hours and counted keystrokes. they want me to give up mountains and any non-federal holiday. to give up snow days. to give up talking to my mom whenever i want. to give up visiting the ocean and hearing the waves.

bread and circus worked for a while, actually. it was a the kind of plan that would probably now be denounced by republicans as socialist commie liberal pronoun bullshit.

but sometimes i wonder if we should point them to the part of the history book that says: it worked until it didn't.

[dreamscaper]

acne studios multipocket bag

[bakwaaas]

one day I woke up and realised all the waiting and yearning was actually me living my life and it’s happening right now and it’s still good even if it’s not perfect and there is no moment when all your dreams get fulfilled and everything makes sense. like… this is it. this is life. you’ll waste away your youth waiting for some imagined future if you don’t love life for what it is now and make the most of it

[kitschens]

Comic by @shhhitsfine

[heavensghost]

[softhe4rted]

Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

[peachyyykat]

kaveh akbar, 'calling a wolf a wolf' // doc luben, 'love letters or suicide notes' // @/nutnoce, tumblr // 'my body's made of crushed little stars', mitski // @/ojibwa, tumblr // 'spring', mary oliver

[wovi]

when georges bataille wrote, “no greater desire exists than a wounded person’s need for another wound” & when gillian flynn wrote, “a child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort” & when ocean vuong wrote, “sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you’ve been ruined” & when lisa m. basile wrote, “did you inherit a sickness? did you blame god? do you believe in god? do you believe in yourself? are you still on fire? did you ever put out the fire?” & when stephen a. guirgis wrote, “why didn't you make me good enough so that you could’ve loved me?”

[wovi]

*

ada limón, lucky wreck

[neoyorzapoteca]

Ottessa Moshfegh, Eileen

[metamorphesque]

musings on the sun

christina perneta, noor hindi, vincent van gogh, jeanette winterson, zinaida vysota docenko, anne sexton, olga kos, khalil gibran

[firstfullmoon]

hanif abdurraqib via his instagram stories

[firstfullmoon]

“I’m thinking of you. And it rises like a tide in me. I love you, with all the depth of being. I await you with determination and certainty, sure that we can be happy, determined to help you with all my might and to give you confidence.”

—

Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, August 14, 1948 [#29]

(via acknowledgetheabsurd)

[a-ramblinrose]

― Louise Glück, from ‘Mitosis’        Poems 1962-2012

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

[firstfullmoon]

Hanif Abdurraqib, in “Why this poet sees grief as its own kind of spiritual practice”

[themakeupbrush]

Beatrice Luigi Gomez, Rabiya Mateo, and Celeste Cortesi for BYS Cosmetics x Disney

[lluviagf]

https://www.instagram.com/p/CHYEuUuAZNT/?igshid=1e92y940ugiuc

[fuckstoevsky]

Do I Wanna Know? - Arctic Monkeys // Lilac Wine - Holly Warburton // Dreaming - Cream // Dreamboy - Clairo // Girl Reclining - Elmer Bischoff // Les Amants du Pont-Neuf - Leos Carax // Harmony in Yellow - Henri Matisse // Souvenier - Boygenius // Anyone Who Had a Heart - Dionne Warwick // Untitled, 1961 - Theophilus Brown