Today I wanted to die. I thought about it a lot. I want the pain to stop and going into the darkness feels warm and inviting. I have been filling the hole with pills, the hole thatās left where I used to have intimacy with you. I buy drugs to numb myself. To make me feel good because I hate myself. I disgust you, I went from a wife to a junkie who canāt be trusted. I went from a mom to a waste of skin who is regarded as the same as your ex with a son you never wanted. No one asked why I am using, you just see the money disappearing. I broke the most sacred vow, trust....and now I can see the disgust when you look at me, I can hear it in your voice. I really wanted to end my life today, I thought about how I could do it, when i could do it....and it seems so easy, easier than living with this pain, easier than the thought of quitting the pills. I thought about how much better everyoneās life would be if mine ended. Instead I started cutting myself....I want to punish myself because I am a pathetic junkie and it feels good to hurt....so for now I am putting off killing myself.....for tonight anyway. If I do kill myself I will have to do it away from home as I donāt want my older/youngest son to be the one to find me. Maybe just take all the pills at once and go to sleep in my car...someone will eventually find me. I could try slitting my wrists again, do it right this time....but for sure I donāt want my sons to find me...maybe on a Friday EDO or on the weekend that way someone is here to take care of my youngest one. Overdosing seems easy enough just slipping into the darkness....like a warm bath....no pain....just deep warm darkness.
