I’ve taken an interest in nonviolent conflict resolution.
Weapons are drawn frighteningly often in otherwise civil day-to-day life. Many people are expected to be prepared to fight just as a matter of being safe to go out and socialize (incredible). Likewise, anyone who can’t fight is perhaps viewed, however charitably, as one of the people that “need to be protected”, and so perhaps relied upon less in times of need, even though they may have much to offer.
I established from a young age the courage to fight when I need to. The stress and fear of doing so, while persistent, is ultimately an old friend. I fear for my life (like when Norn Girl’s brother pointed a gun in my face and made me cry) but am always prepared to do whatever I need to, whether to make it through a situation or if concerned for the well-being of others (for instance, I was willing to take all kinds of action when said brother turned around and hit his sister).
But how often is fighting really needed? To save the lives of our loved ones from forces that can’t be reasoned with, I should think. Yet, so often people use it to “make a point”. Others besides me have noticed and shared the complaint.
Lyla has such friends. One, whose name I remember as Dhainnoc, headbutted me in the face for calling him a nickname he didn’t like. I would describe the nickname as affectionate but undignified. (It was Lyla’s invention. I had no particular reason to make affectionate nicknames for him, except that all people need love). He more or less let me know it was coming and so I was able to avoid most of the pain and injury of the experience, but I succeeded, in a manner, in looking like he clocked me, tripping over the furniture and so on. Lyla fussed over me. I smiled at her, told her: “Looks like he got me pretty good,” and returned to the conversation.
On one hand, it was a clever way to diffuse the violence without anyone actually getting hurt.
On the other hand, did it reward Dhainnoc for choosing such needless violence in his socializations with people?
To that hand, so what if it did? There may be nothing I can do, particularly before I’m someone he likes and before my input matters to him. Some might suggest that had I chosen the path of er, conventional virility and tried to hurt him for trying to hurt me, I might have “taught him a lesson”. But I do not enjoy the taste of speaking of teaching anyone “lessons” with such ichor.
Besides, what would it truly accomplish even if I was that person? He boasted constantly about how he never lost fights. Since this bespeaks a deep insecurity, it’s unlikely to be true (which calling him out on would do no service), but I don’t see why he couldn’t at least be competent. Even if I, in my humble military training that’s really more survival training, managed to best him in something as foolish as a bar brawl, what use would it be? His bruised ego would become more vengeful than ever. My violence would only prompt him to become better and more extreme at violence--not show him that violence was wrong. Of course, I would defend friends from him if he endangered their safety. But I don’t believe he would. His malaise burden is the desperate need to appear scary. As long as he feels that he is, I don’t believe he has any motivation to actually hurt anybody.
Perhaps as an artifact of the cultures I have experienced, with girls present, I suppose the inquiry crossed my mind if my pacifistic diffusion of the situation would make me appear like one of the “helpless ones”. Would people begin to picture me as a shy little boy who couldn’t help himself, and certainly couldn’t help others in times of danger and stress? Have people made the same mistake in how they treat Suuka, or Bunny? Have I?
But to that, isn’t resorting to violence to dispel those notions exactly the habit I’m worrying for Dhainnoc’s mental well-being about?
Besides, “girls”--a terribly guilty colloquialism that really means sensitive, sweethearted people (again, Suuka) and does not apply to all girls--are not looking for the effusion of violence brought about by “boys” (some of whom are women) striving to prove how manly they are according to what they see as their elders’ expectations. Many “girls”, like, perhaps, myself, would rather see people working together to build a safe, harmonious community--something that the constant threats and actions of violence in the name of such unfair masculinity expressly sacrifices.
I suppose the art I’m attempting to employ is a subtle one. I hope people will find me carefully diffusing situations of violence, like the one Dhainnoc faced me with, to be courageous and graceful. I hope that people see the strength in it, not the helplessness, and do not see me as someone they need to shelter from their troubles when they are in danger--rather someone who’s all the more dependable for it.
But since someone must inevitably make the very assumption about me that I dread, how will I handle the consequences of it when they come?
