I'm Here, Sadly

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

Here's a snippet of me singing I Say No from Heathers (UK version)

[mesogeios]

“The smell of rain is rich with life.”

— Estela Portillo Trambley, 1975

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

I like this picture. My niece took this picture of me. She is four years old. I look so happy.

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

Ice Cream

Currently eating a sundae. Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce, instant coffee, and cinnamon. My favorite.

Today has been a good day.

I'm pretty sure I just landed my pre-grad dream job! I've wanted to work at a book store since I was 10 & now I have the chance to.

Keep you posted ♡

[letsgotopops-deactivated2020112]

me trying to engage with my mutuals

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

Everything about my page seems super cheerful until you actually read the shit I post. Look past my bright yellow and flowers & see how much I'm hurting.

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

Basically Anyone In My Life

Person: *walks into the library while rest of school is in assembly*

Librarian:

Me: *walks into library right behind him*

Librarian: "What are you doing here, Brooklyn? You're not supposed to be here. Go somewhere else."

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

"I regret my existence, but that's okay."

- Me after any inconvenience

[neverfr1ck3nmind-blog]

I'm Here, Sadly.

Hi.

So, I suck. At life, at being happy, at being a decent human. So I'm gonna start writing shit. I haven't done anything with my writing in the past year. I figured since I'm massively fucked up right now, I'll write.

Depression is up in my face right now & I'd kindly like it to piss off. I feel like people hate me, which isn't anything new. People actually kinda hate me, no matter how much they try to deny it. My therapist says I overthink things and that people don't do things to make me feel like this on purpose. She says I need to work on radical acceptance. "I am awesome. People like me. I do what I need to so I can get to a better place in my life." As if. I can't see myself saying or even thinking these things.

Anxiety is also here. It's causing so many difficulties in the things I love to do. I want to be proud of myself for the things I do. I've been going out of my comfort zone a lot lately. I just finished my highschool production of Elf. I had a decently prominent part. I did it. I felt like I was in a perpetual state of dying while I was in the wings, but when I got on stage, everything seemed fine. Nobody trusts me in performing arts because of my anxiety. They don't believe in me.

My health, physically, is fucked up right now too. My stomach always hurts. I'm always tired. I also am believed to have endometriosis, but we will see about that on December 20th. I had so many tests done to figure out what was happening with my stomach, but nothing was found. Nothing at all. So, here I am. Still hurting after months. My appointment with my gastroenterologist was moved from last week to after the new year. If I do have endometriosis, there is a possibility that it's spreading to my intestines. Fun times.

I'm just honestly tired of feeling like this. I'm too young to be so miserable. I mean, hell, I turn 18 in January.

I'll just continue writing about my everything and how much I hate living so that I don't talk to other people about it because nobody actually cares.