Noah Kahan
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d e v o n
$LAYYYTER
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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Phantogram Three
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Love Begins
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@neverleaveyourselfexposed
You are my endgame
Hot breathe on my neck,
I love you left ringing in my ears.
Never did I imagine this would mine
For the rest of my years.
Your body warms the very essence
Of who I am and who I hope to.
Entangled close, igniting every fiber
Inside found by my tattered walls.
Bringing them to a scorching fall.
Sometimes it’s the unexpected,
At least for me it was
That brought me back to life.
With a one-in-a-lifetime type of romance.
I cannot wait to be your wife
Passenger Princess
Let’s take a drive.
Up the mountainside, we can watch as the rocks rattle the way off the side.
Tumbling and crashing down. Until they reach the bottom where they collide.
Let’s take a drive.
One where you tell me about your life and all the things you’ve experienced.
The places you’d go to forget the world and the places where you felt the happiest
Come on, let’s take a drive.
I’ll explain the stories behind the constellation of burns on my wrists,
And take you to the places where I felt the most safe.
Come on let’s take a drive, one where we set an unknown destination into the gps and get lost along the way.
Hand in hand, ending the day in a place that will forever become our “Some place only we know”.
Please, take me for a ride
Thunderous Inspiration
Our eyes meet,
Tethered electricity.
Lightning storms bringing in a downpour of butterflies.
Sexually tense hugs, and the gentle
Unintentional graze of your touch.
Maybe one-sided, unrequited.
But the thought of you looms,
Lingering endlessly into my dreams.
My dreams.
Where you run your hand down my spine
Working your way up the front of my shirt,
running your enormous vascular hand up my skirt.
Those hands, steady as a surgeons.
While I quiver, shaking, unsteady
but fully ready to submit.
A mountainous man, ready for adventure.
Leaving my every dream in a satisfying blaze of fire,
Then lightning strikes and the sunsets over the mid-west
You’ve become something not unfamiliar to me,
You are a thunderous amount of inspiration
What would you tell me
What would you tell me if I told you I was a little depressed.
Undervalued and out of rest.
That my heart and head are heavier than the scars I wear on my wrist.
That sometimes life doesn't feel at all worth the risk.
Today is dark, and days before have been darker.
But I'm ready to mark forever off my calendar with a permanent marker.
Let me in or don't, it won't make a difference.
Because today, isn't like any other day and I won't bother to tell you
I'm a little depressed
This is my voice, hear me now, for suppression causes deep seeded long term issues.
Honesty post. If you aren’t buckled in for a long read feel free to skip over this post, but I think it’s time I share some things that have shaped my life. For those of you who know me know that I struggled with having a relationship with my father. I found myself trapped in a body that my step-mother deemed unworthy. She looked at it for all its flaws, telling my sister and myself that we were “fat” and “pigs” even though we were elite gymnasts with extremely low body fat percentages. So along with my father being absent for the good majority of my life. Him and his wife were heavy alcoholics. My younger sister and I were practically under the care of my older step-sister whenever we were at their house. Missing volleyball games, forgetting to call on birthdays and Christmas’, guilting and lying to my siblings about things that my mother was doing or had said. They were the definition of part time absentee parents, and they fueled a body image issue into every fiber of my being. This lead to not only residual feelings of never being good enough it also built up a distrust that people would never come into my life in a permanent nature. I thought I found my savings grace when my mom met my step-dad. However, after being a father figure in my life for almost 12 years. My mom and him got a divorce. This was extremely confusing at first, but I was supportive of my moms decision for her pursuit of happiness. A few months after the divorce, I found out that they didn’t get a divorce due to a pursuit of happiness. Rather they got a divorce because my step-father had taken my laptop on day to install updates. However, my laptop in his hands was not safe. The truth came out and I learned that he was a sex addict. With my computer in his hands he had taken provocative pictures I had taken for my boyfriend at the time and put them on a flash drive for his personal use. One night he asked my mom to get his flash drive that he had left at work, and in doing so she found the images he had taken. This not only caused me to feel like all innocence I had ever possessed had been taken from me it also caused me to quickly realize that people are not always who they appear to be.
I remember one day in the car my mother turned to me and asked me if I had ever been taken advantage of, touched inappropriately, or harassed by an older man. I didn’t know at that time she was referring to my step father, but this question caused me to tear up and cry. Several of my brothers friends would make inappropriate comments and would try to cop a feel when they could. But there was one friend who was particularly bad. I was 7 years old and he was 15, he was staying the night at our house. He convinced me to go into my brothers room with him. Everyone was asleep in the living room, and it was there that my I felt the first fleeting moment of my innocence. He got me into my brothers bed where he proceeded with every inappropriate action he could think of. I woke up in the chair in my brothers room. My step dad came in in the morning. He woke me up and yelled at me for “sleeping” in my brothers room with his friend. He proceeded to tell me how inappropriate it was, but he never stopped to ask me what happened that night. He never told my mom about what had happened and the actions of this young man never got any kind of repercussions. I tried to tell my “friends” but they all mocked me telling me that I was making it up for attention. No one would listen or help me get my voice heard. When my mom turned to me with this question this was the flashback and incident that came to my mind. Instantly, tears took control over my eyes. Tears began to roll down my face, she instantly was concerned. When I told her about the story her instant reaction was relief. This was because she had learned it wasn’t my step dad but in that moment my voice again was belittled. She was relieved and never made any acknowledgement of the story that I had just told her.
I’ve never had my voice heard and this has caused these problems to become deep seeded. This has caused me to be untrusting and detached from getting as emotionally close to someone as I can. I’m turning here because somethings just need to be put out into the world in order for the healing process to begin.
Welcome to my journey of healing, and realizing that all these actions were not my fault. It is also a way for me to get my voice heard. I understand that this post maybe a bit of an overshare. However like I said my voice, like so many others, deserves to be heard. Society needs to learn that all voices, no matter how young, need to be listened to.
Expose yourself.
Never
Baring my heart to you.
Although I think you’ll ignore it.
Because the ghost of you really became you ghosting me.
Loving whole heartily is a game for fools.
After you I’m not loving at all.
The next guy will he luckily if I ever begin the fall.
He will be left standing there wishing that I had never spoke his names because in the end
I am left wishing I was a ghost hiding from it all.
Someone invisible, just another fly on the wall.
Goodbye reality and welcome to fall 🍁
Concerning your post about thoughts of killing yourself frequently. In my experience, people who love you will never think less of you for it. I have the same thoughts, I hate it, but I do. I have since halfway through college. It took me a long time to say anything to my family - A long long time. But once I did, people who I told were so extremely supportive. But it didn't take the thoughts away. They're back. Always reach out, there are a lot more people who love you than you know.
Thank you! I wish you weren’t Anon, but I am here if you ever need something ❤️
I know there is no vacancy in your heart, but do you think it would be alright if I stayed
What do you do when your bored and alone with no one to talk to? Rummage through all the empty baggage in your head? Make bets and reasons as to why everyone tortures you with silence . Maybe just put the bottle to your head and hope that loosens things up. Because a congested mind leads to a misguided heart. And I’m done being strung down the wrong path. Because when it comes down to it, I’m never going to be enough.
Let's maybe try
Things never leave my heart And I sit here thinking once again maybe things will be slow to start But here we are, alone in the dark and your skin Is so soft pressed against mine And we long to feel like we are one So we leave ourselves vulnerable Desperate to feel something but pain I want you to know I would take your heart in And inhibit you to feel again
Insight into my mind
Beautiful people do ugly things. Smart people do ugly things. Ignorant people do ugly things. Unintelligent people do ugly things. Bottom line: people do ugly things. But some of the best things grew from something unattractive or disturbing. So take that mistreat and ugliness and nurture it into something brilliantly magnificent.
I’m done guessing what’s happening in your head, Let’s just say any thought of me and you is better off dead
I wanted to be the girl you were dazed over. The girl who enhanced curiosity and creativity. Instead I get the pity in your eyes, And I inhibit suicidal thoughts and self damage. I destroy everything that I love, And I let everything that lusts after me to murder me.
Jessica The Rag Doll
Let me just put this simply, the one thing I regret in this world is giving anyone my trust. I trusted my brothers best friend and he robbed me of every ounce of my innocence. I trusted my dad and he left my heart unsheltered and left my life without any sort of explanation. I trusted my mom but she was to busy working to realize my head was filling with tantalizing dark thoughts. I finally trusted my step dad and he saw me as a graphic image to use as he rubbed one out. I trusted my first love and he beat any ounce of trust out of me. Trust is something that I gave to those who were never suppose to let me down, but instead they filled any act of giving trust with undeniable doubt. You were no different, broken promises and empty words fill the air as you prove to me that trust is a myth. Trust is nothing that I will ever get to enjoy, because everyone in this world just wants to treat my like a toy.
I hold your handing walking to the edge,
Ignorant to the fact,
that it was the very hand going to push me over it
Save Me
If you don’t want me, Gently let me go. Set my heart free Because this you know My heart falls fast And my mind stays closed. Never breaking down walls keeping you an arms length away Hoping that maybe this is the day You will finally say what I’m dying to hear you say.
