Dear Dad,
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I miss you so much that sometimes I cannot even breathe. It’s been almost 2 months. Honestly, it feels like a lot longer than that. It feels like years, decades, like I never had you at all. I have never dealt with death before. I’ve never had somebody that I love disappear entirely. I have to convince myself every second of every day that your death is real and that you aren’t ever going to come back. We are never going to talk again. We are never going to go to dinner, to the movies, spend holidays together ever again. My heart is so broken. I thought that I had experienced heart break before, but I never have experienced something so painful as this. I do not know if my heart will ever mend. I miss everything about you. Your death consumes me. I think about you constantly and when I don’t, I hate myself. I hate myself every time that I am not sad over you. I hate myself every time I think about how I ignored some of your texts/calls or acted like I was smarter than you. The truth is, Dad, is that I think you were so smart that it was hard for others to keep up with your mind sometimes. The truth is that I took you for granted, I never took the time to realize or even appreciate just how little time that you had left. You were (are) my hero, Dad, and I never once thought that I was going to lose you. I watched you decline and I always thought that you would get better. I can’t take not having you in my life. Everyone says that it doesn’t matter how old you are when you lose your dad because it’s going to suck no matter what. As I see some truth in that, I always know that it DOES matter. I am 21. I have lived, if I’m lucky, approximately 1/4 of my life. ONE fourth of my life was spent with my dad.. I have to go another whole 3/4 without you. How? How how how how how.
I’m angry at you, Dad. And I’m sorry for saying that. You went through so much for the sake of Jon and I that I have no right whatsoever to be angry with you. But why couldn’t you just go to the doctor? Why couldn’t we have found this sooner? Why did you have to die?
I feel like nobody truly understand what I am going through. And how could they? Even if they have lost a parent, or even their dad, they have no idea. Likewise goes from me to them. They didn’t have the exact same relationship with their loved one as I did with mine. Different people experience things differently, and I feel completely alone. Society forgets that you are grieving. Society forgets that you are suffering. I don’t forget, though. I live through this every single day. Nobody wants to hear about my dead dad anymore or listen to me cry. It makes people uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable. I am alone.
I love you, Dad. I miss you every day.
