@nevrcursd - Tumblr Blog

all the reasons i stayed and fought for the chance to be happy again are becoming worthless. i look into the mirror in shame and plain disappointment. i betrayed myself for momentary and fleeting bliss. hatred and regret has harbored a home in the heart that once eased at the sight of you. now, a loud, familiar, pounding heart reaches my throat and threatens to spill out. a heart that was once brave enough to be held, no matter how humiliating, no matter how painful. all that's left is your distorted face, empty hands, cold embraces, and the lies you carelessly spat at me with no afterthought. fearless and aware of the damage that was to be appointed to me. i was denied the exclusivity to knowing you truly, inside and out. i was deemed unworthy by you; i never saw you as such. i've always been on the outside of inside jokes -- i know you know the feeling. so why, why, why, why did you do that to me?

#my uploads #sunset canyon by foxwarren

starfru3t

sentimentalbeing2001

Sometimes Sunday evenings welcome an unexpected sadness

spagal

jetix

2024-08-08

stalgivc

i wasn't wrong about much when i was 14.

i still loathe everyone, i seek the strange in mundane things, i love handwritten letters and doodling on corner pages, i still believe i'm destined for greater things; i still believe it will get better.

i'm constantly wishing i could go back in time and be kinder to myself. growing up, as each year goes by, i feel as though i'm losing myself and growing into whoever i'm supposed to be simultaneously. each year, i'm reminded of what once was and never will be again.

when i was 14, i would fantasize about my death, specifically from my own doing. i believed my death had to derive from my own will and my own hands. i'm 23 now and, unexpectedly, my uncle died last year. three days before my mother's birthday. five days before christmas.

i never thought about death so much, so frequently, so casually.

i've developed an actual fear of death now. how it comes so suddenly and unexpectedly. like a glass cup slipping from your hands. i think i fantasizing of taking my own life for so long was because of my desire for control over my own self. growing up and coming to terms with being a real person was such a difficult process for me to endure when i was 14. i was itching for an escape; a relief. i was so blinded by an otherwise beautiful reality right in front of me. being 14 and being able to experience this world through this being's eyes.

i won't be able to share a morning with my uncle ever again.

i won't be able to see my mother's eyes shimmer with joy at the sight of her brother.

i won't ever be alive to process the feeling of death and documenting it on my laptop keyboard.

#my uploads #death