Life Is Not A One Way Street @new-road-under-construction - Tumblr Blog

I rang the secretary yesterday who said she would print my CT results and give to my consultant who would contact me. I heard nothing yesterday and nothing today. All i can think is that its because it needs to go to MDT on Thursday and so there must be something. Surely if it was clear they would just tell me, what would need discussing??

I have nobody i can speak to about this. I dont want to worry my mom, i dont want to bring my sisters down, my partner thinks im being stupid getting so stressed, my colleagues are sick of hearing about it. I have nobody who understands the sheer terror.

Had my CT scan last week and got my repeat bone scan in 11 days. Its going to be a very nerve wracking 6 weeks until I know any more. I feel sick thinking about it. My sister gave me a save the date for her wedding in 2026 and all i could think was what if im not even here.

My surgeon rang me today with the results of my bone scan. She started the sentence with 'we discussed them in MDT this morning' and my heart sank. There was increased uptake in the ribs where im having pain. They arent sure why and so want a repeat bone scan in 3 months. Which means repeat anxiety in 3 months. There was also a shadow on my head so they are going to do a CT scan. Initially she said it had seemed old but when i asked if it was there on my 2022 scan she said it was not. I am beyond anxious.

Long time no update. I had a bone scan in January to check for mets and its been 4 weeks with no news of results. Until today. I suddenly have an appointment with the breast care nurses in 2 weeks time. Im not due one and nobody has told me anything, it just appeared on the app. The logical part of me says the appointment is with a nurse so it cant be bad news but the other part is saying why face to face at all. Gah i hate this.

Things are really tough. My aunt has a treatment plan which includes a lumpectomy, radiotheraly and chemo. I have some kind of weird survivors guilt-esque feeling for not having needed chemo when she does and feel like she probably resents me and thinks my experience was a breeze. These are difficult feelings to reconcile at the same time as once again having to take a much closer look at my own mortality than id like to.

As if this wasnt enough my grandma is rapidly deteriorating. I saw her last sunday and she was not well, she was taken to hospital on monday and it was a tough couple of days where I became painfully aware of how inexperienced i am with grief. I went to visit her in hospital and a lovely visit turned sour very quickly when she took offence to something i did which wasnt anything wrong but in her dementia mind it was and then she hurled abuse at me for 15 minutes and when I went to hug her when visiting time finished she told me to go away and turned her back on me. I left in tears and had a panic attack on a bench because im terrified that will be our last conversation.

My aunt now has breast cancer. In this time that is already difficult with constant reminders from the awareness month. And because thats now my mom, me and my aunt it means they will probably do more genetic testing which means I could find my survival statistics plummeting. And it brings all the feelings back. And i dont even know what to say to her or how to make it better and its all shit and the world can go fuck itself.

Feels like I haven't updated for a while. I start my new job on Monday. Am currently in a stressing about it mood but it switches to excited and back again. It's just unknown at the moment so my brain is doing its usual 'what if everyone hates me' 'what if im not good enough' 'what if i hate it' and so on. Im sure once I get started and meet everyone I'll be fine!

My surgery follow-ups and oncology follow-ups have all been fine which is always a relief. My gynaecology biopsies also came back as normal so thats just been put down to my poor body not knowing if it should be thinning my womb lining as per zoladex or thickening it as per tamoxifen but nothing to panic about!

Unpopular opinion but im also so glad for the cooler weather lately, summer with hot flushes is just not the one. All in all things are ok and keep fingers crossed that my new job is everything I hope it will be!

Tonight is my last shift at work. Holy cow that all happened quicker than i thought. Only handed in my notice on Friday and turns out I had enough annual leave left to roll my holiday into my notice period so had 3 shifts left and thats that. Then I have a lovely 5 weeks off before I start my new job. With a nice little 4 night city break in the middle, my first time abroad since 2019 (and I went inpatient like 2 weeks after that so it was hardly enjoyable or freeing as I was hungry, exhausted, cold, weak and sad)

Surgery done. I feel awful, more so than the first time. Didnt have to stay overnight so that was a bonus but I barely slept, feel sick, shaky, dizzy, sore, keep losing my voice. Today I need to sleep when i need to, eat little but often and keep on top of pain relief.

Surgery day has arrived. Hopefully the anaesthetic experience will not be as horrible as last time. Ill see you on the other side.

Gynae appointment ✅️

Hysteroscopy wasnt too bad until they took a biopsy which hurt so much, cramps like nothing ive had before. No obvious polyps or fibroids so took a couple of biopsies and just gotta wait for a letter with results in a couple of weeks. More waiting. Yay.

I got the job! Wow, that is a long time coming and very exciting. Now just praying that nothing in tomorrows gynae appointment messes that up!

Interview ✅️

Thats one big stress now out of my control. Ive done what I can. Should hear by the end of the week.

I am unfathomably low. I have spent the day in bed, watching tv, crying at tv, sleeping and getting angry when i cant think of anything i want to do. Its like all my thoughts have fled my head and my motivation and clarity have abandoned me. I have my interview on Monday and im terrified of messing it up and consequently being stuck in my current job. I then have my gynae appointment on Friday and am more terrified than I have let on to anyone in real life. I got my letter through today confirming my surgery date and im remembering just how anxious surgery makes me but this is entirely elective so i feel unjustified in expressing it because i dont need to have it to survive. Its just a hell of a lot of really intense things in the next 2 weeks and id find it hard enough to process one let alone three so ive just like shut down and hibernated. Problem is you cant hibernate when you live with someone and have to go to work and fulfil daily responsibilities without anyone noticing and questioning it. And its horrible to have such brain fog that you cant string together the words to explain it and so just sit with your head in your hands staring at the floor and alienate the people who care enough to ask.

I am sick of the amount of people who smoke for years and use sunbeds every other day and just generally abuse their bodies with zero consequences. What did I fucking do. I took care of myself, I did none of those stupid things and I get the fucking cancer and all the fucking after effects to last a lifetime. Which potentially and terrifyingly may already have caused another fucking cancer. I really bloody hope not because i cannot do it again. But why, i take my meds as prescribed, i never drink, im a healthy weight, i avoid oestrogen of any kind even fucking soya. Why. Why. WHY. Its not fucking fair, why does the world want me dead. I did nothing. I was the fucking victim of the first 16 years of my life and i worked bloody hard to dig myself out and i may as well have not fucking bothered. At least if my anorexia had killed me it would be my fucking choice, on my terms. Not being hunted down by some "creator" hell bent on wiping me from the face of the fucking earth. I DESERVE BETTER. FUCK YOU UNIVERSE.

So im still waiting for my TV ultrasound appointment after speaking to gynae on Monday. I hate this bit. Potentially also need a hysteroscopy but will decide on what the ultrasound shows.

Feeling anxious enough but woke up this morning feeling a bit nauseous and didnt think much of it. Went out for the day cos it was prebooked and i felt well enough at that point to and whilst walking around went all lightheaded and clammy, managed to get outside and just threw up. And since then ive had crippling lower back pain. Now my mind is going a million miles per hour thinking this is something serious. I just want this all to go away.

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Life Is Not A One Way Street