I’ve been struggling with regulating some of my emotions lately. Or so I think. Idk.
There’s been a lot of things going on lately. Even with the past holiday weekend, it’s like I didn’t have a moment at all to process any of this shit.
I want to be able to sink into all the love from family and friends that was felt around this weekend. To a friend whom I hold dear to my heart, whom I don’t deserve, his loving and beautiful wife, and my dearest niece (I’m sorry I couldn’t be in 2 places at one time… I’ll make it up to you!) and her young husband. BOY I gotta long ass talk with you brudda. All the blessings and one big hand slap to the back to get you fired up!
I want to wrap my head around the loss of a loved one that me and my wife are experiencing now too. I’m in denial still. It’s not suppose to go this way. To give life, only to have it taketh away from us, in the manner that it does. And the fact that I can only feel anger for as cruel of a world this is. The world is a blessing filled with curses. Heh… I see why every man in my family has punched a hole in a wall at my house. I may need to add that tradition in my household. Might be time to buy that heavy bag once again.
I want to give my children the attention that they deserve and to celebrate all the little things they’ve been going thru lately on the day to day. I’ve never been so happy and irritated in my life. Lolol. Yall makin me turn into my Dad so quickly and I hate it and love it at the same time. It’s more of a rolls eyes typa thing at this point lol.
I want to give my wife the undivided attention she deserves, to make sure she’s heard, and that we’re still reading from the same page in our book. Sometimes, I think we’re reading the same things, just different edition.
And on a lesser note, I just want some time to be alone. And I don’t even mean to go do the things I wanna do, not that. I just… really wanna get out and sit some where.
I want to sit myself on the sand at 3am, and watch the ocean waves crash onto the beach, to see the stars hidden behind the flutter of clouds, a moon so bright, yet, swallowed up in the distance into the oceans abyss.
I want to clear my mind. This highway of thought is jumbled up in a mess, like a multi lane car crash. Only so little can get by while the rest of what life has thrown at me, including the kitchen sink, has been left unresolved.
On the outside, I think I look calm. Collected. But on the inside, if so God help me. Coz I really don’t know what the fuck to do.
This doesn’t feel like something I can just put my head down and say, “One step at a time”.
But fuck, maybe it is… just a taller mountain than I’m used to… is all…
I don’t fuckin know anymore. (Like I ever did)
prguitarman
romaincrisis
turnnoffyourmind
ellievsbear
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