Just so you know…
I did it…
But shit still worked out you know? So yea. Fuck it lol. We ball.

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Just so you know…
I did it…
But shit still worked out you know? So yea. Fuck it lol. We ball.
Don’t u do it. Don’t you dare fuckin do it bro. You know you’re good for it.
Adios. 🫡❤️🙏
Life is just a constant reminder of how bittersweet it is.
We’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay…
All good things.
You know the rest.
who am i kidding? im so out of my element, im raindancing.
I’ve been struggling with regulating some of my emotions lately. Or so I think. Idk.
There’s been a lot of things going on lately. Even with the past holiday weekend, it’s like I didn’t have a moment at all to process any of this shit.
I want to be able to sink into all the love from family and friends that was felt around this weekend. To a friend whom I hold dear to my heart, whom I don’t deserve, his loving and beautiful wife, and my dearest niece (I’m sorry I couldn’t be in 2 places at one time… I’ll make it up to you!) and her young husband. BOY I gotta long ass talk with you brudda. All the blessings and one big hand slap to the back to get you fired up!
I want to wrap my head around the loss of a loved one that me and my wife are experiencing now too. I’m in denial still. It’s not suppose to go this way. To give life, only to have it taketh away from us, in the manner that it does. And the fact that I can only feel anger for as cruel of a world this is. The world is a blessing filled with curses. Heh… I see why every man in my family has punched a hole in a wall at my house. I may need to add that tradition in my household. Might be time to buy that heavy bag once again.
I want to give my children the attention that they deserve and to celebrate all the little things they’ve been going thru lately on the day to day. I’ve never been so happy and irritated in my life. Lolol. Yall makin me turn into my Dad so quickly and I hate it and love it at the same time. It’s more of a rolls eyes typa thing at this point lol.
I want to give my wife the undivided attention she deserves, to make sure she’s heard, and that we’re still reading from the same page in our book. Sometimes, I think we’re reading the same things, just different edition.
And on a lesser note, I just want some time to be alone. And I don’t even mean to go do the things I wanna do, not that. I just… really wanna get out and sit some where.
I want to sit myself on the sand at 3am, and watch the ocean waves crash onto the beach, to see the stars hidden behind the flutter of clouds, a moon so bright, yet, swallowed up in the distance into the oceans abyss.
I want to clear my mind. This highway of thought is jumbled up in a mess, like a multi lane car crash. Only so little can get by while the rest of what life has thrown at me, including the kitchen sink, has been left unresolved.
On the outside, I think I look calm. Collected. But on the inside, if so God help me. Coz I really don’t know what the fuck to do.
This doesn’t feel like something I can just put my head down and say, “One step at a time”.
But fuck, maybe it is… just a taller mountain than I’m used to… is all…
I don’t fuckin know anymore. (Like I ever did)
So fuck it.
We walk.
pourin my heart out into words... to pour them words into my heart later.
I woke up early once again. This time it’s a recurring dream. I’m outside of an event or a building. The first time I go out to grab my things or what have you... I took my time… outside, where I was… Only to come back and find that everything and everyone around me was gone. I was dumbstruck.
I find this device. Almost like that TV remote thing that Adam Sandler had in his movie… i don’t ever recall hitting it, but I do recall possessing something on me, and for whatever reason I’m brought back to the same time.
I do it a second time. My memory comes back, but the events change slightly. I recognize who’s there. I start to recognize who’s gone. Who gets taken. It starts to dawn on me the things I love now gets stripped away from me.
I go through this 1-2 more times. Now I’m panicked. Because I realize the ones I love are on there. All sorts of people are there. Everyone and everything that maybe mattered, were all in the way of this “thing” that came out and swapped them away.
The more and more it happens, the more clear it becomes on what it was… it’s like the rapture, but more like a beam of light from hyperspace. It comes in like a vast ship. Swoops down on this space I seem to not ever be within radius, it hits its mark, and in one big swoosh. I see this light come in and just TAKE all this energy with it and head off right back into the sky, too fast for me to ever catch it or follow it as it enters space never to be seen again.
I turn back into the space they were all in. Sitting, standing, laughing, loving, being the people they always were. The space has been wrecked and deserted, like a tornado ran thru it, but a lot of pieces of furniture and object and whatnot still remain behind. Not complete destruction, but things have been shifted around for sure. Black streaks, almost bloodlike, but not, like smeared oil, run across the floors and halls. I begin to question are these the remains of my people, or the debris from which this beam or wormhole of a thing came in and took everything…
This happens 2-3 more times. But now I’m making a plan. Trying to get to more people. Enjoying my time with my loved ones. Saying what I need to say, only to lull myself into this trap and comfort that I’ve come along for the ride… or that the inevitable isn’t here to stay… of course it is…
The anxiety kicks in every time it restarts. Stronger than, only to fool myself time and time again, and to be left behind in the ashes. The emotions and loss begin to fill up more and more.
The last time, I live thru this entire experience, I know exactly who’s there now. It must be high school me once again, coz this time I run into the love of my life. I play my cards right. I pull all the stops. Everything I wish I could have done if I could be as smooth and as charming as I could ever imagine, I was. She blew me away, I captured her heart, we kissed. I was on the moon! As if it was the first time we met at that damn football game. the setting was a lil different. The events played much differently, but hey, it’s a dream. And this time everyone there that I cared for saw me, near or from a distance, and I could feel the love and support there ever was for me. I felt so much at home. And then… I step out the zone. For whatever reason… there were things I had to grab, just outside the building…
I walk out. Slowly grab my things, look up, to this time feel this slow but loud rumble come in. And light the sunrise on fast forward, this ray of light begins to beam in front of me, while then I turn around, and in panic, I see this wormhole begin to come in, quickly enough to where I’m running towards the building, but I’m too late.
I see it in all its glory do it’s grand sweep in and take everything in its path. And I just so happen to fall rich behind. As it touches down, passes me as if, I’ve missed the bus of a lifetime. And it takes off into the sky like a plane on a runway at liftoff. I chase after it. I’m running. My eyes are flooded with tears. Please don’t take them away from me. I can’t do this again, not anymore. I’m fuckin alone…
It’s gone into the sky, into the stars. It’s dark again, like night.
I walk back into the building to see what remained behind. The emptiest I’ve ever felt. A feeling I’m so familiar with, but something just this concrete felt like the straw that broke the camels back… that device I had, now seemed to have disappeared, and this time it felt like all of this had become finalized. Solidified. This was one of the for the history books, and I was the one to bear the loss, but tell the story for the next… or to myself…
I wallowed and sat in my sorrows… sitting at the tables at which I gathered around my loved ones for the last time… to then turn around once more… and take note that there… were now a few others. Strangers, but no? A couple faces… ones… that are familiar? Recognizable… names that were at the tip of my tongue, even.
Their presence catches me with almost a little feeling of hope. A slight reassurance I’m not alone, but the truth revealed was much darker. These people not only were left behind, they were in the midst of it all. In direct contact with the beam. They were in it! They were all flustered and tired and what have you, like they’ve been in a tornado themselves but were strapped to the seats they were in and weren’t able to be picked up.
It was a brief conversation. Are you okay? Are you hurt? What do you need? What did you see? Where did they go? What did you feel? I’m trying to show compassion but the curiosity got my ass too…
Eventually…. I never got further past this realization or interaction coz this is where I began to wake up…
Like last time, the emotions ran so high, that there was no way I was going to let this dream dissipate slowly in my memory without documenting it. So I got up, used the restroom, and began typing this as we speak.
What was the resolution behind all this? What’s the theme behind this dream that I’m having?
I talked with my wife yesterday about how funny it is now that we’re at a point in our life financially where if we were single, we could go see our friends to support them in their endeavors and show love, but we don’t because we also got kids that drove us to strive for what we got just to survive…. Meaning we ain’t got no babysitter lololol.
I’ve talked a lot about loneliness recently, and the constant feeling that throughout my life I never fit in. Never fit into a social construct or fit the shape just right… Ima lone wolf just nomadding through, the hungry hyena that pays gratitude to each passing day and meal I come across… but will never be fully understood…
I watched Michael Beasley’s interview Friday afternoon with Shannon Sharpe. Never felt so attached to the emotion and ideas a person spilled out from his heart in a long time. I see where the flaws and traumas came, but holy shit it felt like I was right there with him. Every word he spoke hit like an accord. Rang truth, and it hit hard. Again, I’ve been sick, so the productivity I wish I had wasn’t the outcome. It was actually put on hold…
Idk what this dream was about in terms of a message for me.
I gotta be present more…? Is there something I’ve been missing this whole time? If God comes with his salvation, like a thief in the night, and I’m not around to catch it, am I lost forever? Is this to say the path I roam is mine and mine alone? Could I show my love even more? Could I live without it, perhaps if God was what was present in me this whole time? Is loss hitting me too hard? Can I endure this magnitude knowing the memories I’ve had. The futures and dreams I’ve concocted, only for all of it to go away in the blink of an eye, and now… just to pivot?
Idk man. I’m exhausting my pen, but there seems to be something not completely worked out in my brain. I know I’ve got a couple screws loose. But fuck. What am I to do? I guess keep pondering the world as I do…
It’s like the inverse of the dream I had the night before.
Coz this time I end it how I usually end it with me my peoples.
Continue to be you, all the way. I thank you. I appreciate you. And I love you.
Amen (to that one)
Woke up to write about a shitty ass dream I started having.
It reminded me of my burnout in high school… with everything. Burnout in my passions. With life, in general.
Here’s my takeaway from all this shit.
NO ONE, can be madder about your failures in the shit that you loved to do than YOU. This was YOURS. This was your love. Your passion. Your thing. Why the fuck can’t people understand that the thing that I loved the most my entire life means so much to me that when I fail to perform, I can’t get a lil support to help me get past that and I gotta prioritize you as a friend like you come before anything? Are you out of your fuckin mind?
I wanted to leave everything behind back then. I wanted to leave that damn school. I wanted to leave this damn city and start anew. I wanted to run my ass away from this shit coz all I ever got was pressure and burnout coz the pressure for me to perform the way I needed to for 12 years in a row got to me and then the moment I admit my truth that I wanted to drop it all I get hit with, “I’m not a true friend”
Well then BITCH YES, that’s exactly what it is. Coz no one understood me either! So I can sit here and tell it the exact fuckin same way to everyone else’s face. Y’all weren’t really my friends. I wasn’t asking nobody to understand me to such a granular detail and understand the ins and outs of my passions. I just wanted some fuckin support. Some care. Some compassion for the things I had to deal with, coz I was really going thru it, even if it wasn’t fully understood.
But NAH. I open up, and I get nothin. I get a bunch of blank faces. They say don’t yuck other people’s yums. Well for fuck sake, the indifference yall have for my path is so low priority, that that’s exactly how it felt. I fuckin YUCK. Not a hug, not a you’ll get thru it. Just a “that sucks. WELL ANYWAYSS”
Now get the fuck off my dream and out my life. I’ve made it this far in my life; I’ve got thru one way or another. Even if the road I originally was on is long gone, I paved my own new way with those that loved me.
And guess what… none of yall bitch ass fuck offs are here today anyway. Look how that turned out.
Fuckin fucks.
Current Status: been recovering from this crazy illness… work week kicked my ass. But hey, i haven’t remembered having so much emotion come thru a dream that i had to write something down before I fully wake up and forget it like the shit never happened.
So I woke up in my feels today.
I miss my mom.
A lot.
Hit me like a shit of bricks.
*head nod*
Move forward.
These last few weeks have been very interesting to me.
Really grateful for the new friends I’ve made. The communities I’ve joined as of late. There’s a sense of belonging and care and respect I’ve felt from my peers that I haven’t felt in a long time. There’s a blissful feeling knowing my love and interests and my art or content is being shared with those of mutual interests, other creators who are just like me. Diving into something they fell in love with in their own way and appreciating what we all bring to the table. A very healthy and thriving ecosystem I’ve found myself in…
And yet… there are those moments that just… don’t… sit quite right? Which I have to admit, life isn’t perfect, right? It’s bullshit to ever think life is figured out and that we’re never needing to work thru problems, but regardless, sometimes I feel I gotta take a step back, be cautious of my presence around others, as it’s not always well accepted for what it is. Dialing it back so they say.
I’ve made so many genuinely good, just great friends with other individuals recently (both on and offline) and it’s been such a blast interacting, nerding out about our lives, ourselves, family, our hobbies, our jobs even.
But I feel I still need to be more cautious. Sometimes it comes to me as though there’s a group or presence begging me to leave. Get out of here. No one asked for this shit.
I’m pretty sleepy, but I just wanna remind myself that we’ve made alot of progress! It’s okay self. We’ve navigated these waters before. You’re a nomad. Your emotions travel with you, but we learn to adapt. Or at least try our best. I can’t let the few people that don’t get me fuck up everything else I’ve cared for.
And I think I’ll see yall again tomorrow. =]. Good night!
I’ve got a lot of growing up to do, kid. Love the way you know. Show gratitude and respect even if it’s not reciprocated.
Yo real talk.
Fuck whoever let the Clark Kent Lana ship of Smallville on CW die dawg.
LMFAO. That whole story was fucked after that. Shit sucks. Lol.
Sooo... I just wrote and recorded a song
I sent the stems over literally just now. Surprised myself coz it's a 3 minute song. So pretty straightforward, but, like i originally was planning on just getting started with it. Thinking verse hook verse or somethin. or HVH whichever... I wrote bars all the way through again... Pretty quickly too. like. An hour or two at the most?
It's been really cool just finding a flow state.
But that's not the interesting part.
The thing is... i tapped into something i never really dived into much. It's newer information technically that I learned about... maybe a year ago?
And it's not like it's ever bothered me or got me in deep thought but...
Hmmm...
---
So before we had our 3rd a few weeks ago, we had a lil surprise for us back in late 2024 into '25. I'll just leave it at that.
And... when we got the (bad) news... I kept that bottled up, to myself... and then... also... knowing what was happening around me with other loved ones... even then if i wanted to find someone to talk to, it just wasn't the right time... Other people around us needed our support as well. So we held onto that. I think it was the right call.
But man for me... it hurt alot seeing not myself, but my other half just have to get through that shit. It did instill just a lil bit of "man fuck this world this shit is stupid" you know? It felt like... even as her bedrock, it wasn't... enough. And i felt insecure about that.
To add more vague details to this story, I had a conversation with my Dad once. And... I learned some things, that helped me cope, but moreso in a logical way of "oh i see... so our family has had experience with this. i can get thru this".
And
Not to say that was a bad thing. It just... me getting into this flow state tonight opened up a can of worms that... I think i'm going to get thru this one, and process this one for awhile...
All goes to say, the person I am, the spirit in me... Perhaps my vessel can be shared in a way that a loved one (one that i "never" met per se) could get a chance to "live" and "have his say" too. #nocrazyshit
just like... what if? what if the "Cres-" we know today, was the older one. What would he have been like? Would I still be here? I guess I have to share my gratitude with you. Maybe in a way it gave me the opportunity to be who i am, you get what i mean?
But for selfish reasons, (2) outcomes. One much bleaker than the next.
(the bleak version) - If you WERE here... Would you have done me any differently (i'm sure you would've). and... maybe, you woulda done better than i ever could've. I'll respect it.
(the dream version) - How I would've loved the idea... that... what if you were here now... with us? I promise, I woulda tried to be the best brother i could be for you man. The same way I respect our BIG Bro. This shit woulda been fun man. What I hope and pray for my kids, Man... it would've been incredible!
Give mama my Love! Thank you.
-C
11,000?
Shit, had all the fuckin time in the world back then in college.
11,000 posts? Fam.
LMFAO.
SHIT.
My new favorite past time…
Is listening to comfort RPs and turning them into semi toxic dialogue 🤣😂
Why is it...
Anytime I've entered into a flowstate of writing. Like. Wrote a whole song in one go. Start to finish. 1 hour. Hook, Verse, Hook. 2 minutes. plus or minus. We there.
Why the verse always end in a crash out? Hahaha.
My life ain't that dark but man there be some shit I just gotta get out you naw mean?
*Shrug* #itiswhatitis
Here’s a thought.
I think I may have struck a nerve somehow with a particular individual. Idk man. I got feelings too. Sometimes more complicated than I beg to admit. Maybe even more so than most. But hey, I wish you the world. No one deserves hate for no reason you know what I mean? You’s a loved one.
I pray it ain’t a thing. And life keeps going.
Just an update.
My son Kame was born recently. Monday, 3/2/2026, at 3:51AM. 6lbs 12oz.
Thank you God for another healthy baby boy. I’m happy to take some time off work to be with family and our baby and to just, reset a lil bit.
Been working on a lil more music and learned a thing or two about the mixing process (which I loved learning). New tools under the belt so to speak.
Got thru my 3rd VA RP script about a month back now? And looking to get another one going sometime soon.
There’s one in particular that I wanna write for myself. More so in response to another script that I loved hearing lately. Shit was dope. Very interactable and responsive for my brain, emotionally engaging. Idk how long it’d take to write, probly not long at all since I have a basis to go off of, but it’d be longer than the first two I’ve written.
And again… the music is always there for me anyway. I got this hook I recorded last night and spent the last 24 hours tweaking it tryna get the sound right in the mix down. Went thru 4 iterations, but I think I got it to a point where I reached a breakthrough in the process. Funny enough, it was ChatGPT that taught me some new bus techniques. Dialed in my compression tastes (double compression, multi band dynamics, transient design shit, etc.)
Um… I lost my whole friends list on steam for some reason. That was a real bummer. Fuckin sucked. Ima miss seeing that list from memory lane.
I think that’s about it. My wife is healthy the kids too. I can’t complain man (although the did give me the stomach bug a few days ago that shit was annoying lol).
My mind is in wander rn. Not much to dig deep into. I hope your life is well. Love.