I woke up early once again. This time it’s a recurring dream. I’m outside of an event or a building. The first time I go out to grab my things or what have you... I took my time… outside, where I was… Only to come back and find that everything and everyone around me was gone. I was dumbstruck.
I find this device. Almost like that TV remote thing that Adam Sandler had in his movie… i don’t ever recall hitting it, but I do recall possessing something on me, and for whatever reason I’m brought back to the same time.
I do it a second time. My memory comes back, but the events change slightly. I recognize who’s there. I start to recognize who’s gone. Who gets taken. It starts to dawn on me the things I love now gets stripped away from me.
I go through this 1-2 more times. Now I’m panicked. Because I realize the ones I love are on there. All sorts of people are there. Everyone and everything that maybe mattered, were all in the way of this “thing” that came out and swapped them away.
The more and more it happens, the more clear it becomes on what it was… it’s like the rapture, but more like a beam of light from hyperspace. It comes in like a vast ship. Swoops down on this space I seem to not ever be within radius, it hits its mark, and in one big swoosh. I see this light come in and just TAKE all this energy with it and head off right back into the sky, too fast for me to ever catch it or follow it as it enters space never to be seen again.
I turn back into the space they were all in. Sitting, standing, laughing, loving, being the people they always were. The space has been wrecked and deserted, like a tornado ran thru it, but a lot of pieces of furniture and object and whatnot still remain behind. Not complete destruction, but things have been shifted around for sure. Black streaks, almost bloodlike, but not, like smeared oil, run across the floors and halls. I begin to question are these the remains of my people, or the debris from which this beam or wormhole of a thing came in and took everything…
This happens 2-3 more times. But now I’m making a plan. Trying to get to more people. Enjoying my time with my loved ones. Saying what I need to say, only to lull myself into this trap and comfort that I’ve come along for the ride… or that the inevitable isn’t here to stay… of course it is…
The anxiety kicks in every time it restarts. Stronger than, only to fool myself time and time again, and to be left behind in the ashes. The emotions and loss begin to fill up more and more.
The last time, I live thru this entire experience, I know exactly who’s there now. It must be high school me once again, coz this time I run into the love of my life. I play my cards right. I pull all the stops. Everything I wish I could have done if I could be as smooth and as charming as I could ever imagine, I was. She blew me away, I captured her heart, we kissed. I was on the moon! As if it was the first time we met at that damn football game. the setting was a lil different. The events played much differently, but hey, it’s a dream. And this time everyone there that I cared for saw me, near or from a distance, and I could feel the love and support there ever was for me. I felt so much at home. And then… I step out the zone. For whatever reason… there were things I had to grab, just outside the building…
I walk out. Slowly grab my things, look up, to this time feel this slow but loud rumble come in. And light the sunrise on fast forward, this ray of light begins to beam in front of me, while then I turn around, and in panic, I see this wormhole begin to come in, quickly enough to where I’m running towards the building, but I’m too late.
I see it in all its glory do it’s grand sweep in and take everything in its path. And I just so happen to fall rich behind. As it touches down, passes me as if, I’ve missed the bus of a lifetime. And it takes off into the sky like a plane on a runway at liftoff. I chase after it. I’m running. My eyes are flooded with tears. Please don’t take them away from me. I can’t do this again, not anymore. I’m fuckin alone…
It’s gone into the sky, into the stars. It’s dark again, like night.
I walk back into the building to see what remained behind. The emptiest I’ve ever felt. A feeling I’m so familiar with, but something just this concrete felt like the straw that broke the camels back… that device I had, now seemed to have disappeared, and this time it felt like all of this had become finalized. Solidified. This was one of the for the history books, and I was the one to bear the loss, but tell the story for the next… or to myself…
I wallowed and sat in my sorrows… sitting at the tables at which I gathered around my loved ones for the last time… to then turn around once more… and take note that there… were now a few others. Strangers, but no? A couple faces… ones… that are familiar? Recognizable… names that were at the tip of my tongue, even.
Their presence catches me with almost a little feeling of hope. A slight reassurance I’m not alone, but the truth revealed was much darker. These people not only were left behind, they were in the midst of it all. In direct contact with the beam. They were in it! They were all flustered and tired and what have you, like they’ve been in a tornado themselves but were strapped to the seats they were in and weren’t able to be picked up.
It was a brief conversation. Are you okay? Are you hurt? What do you need? What did you see? Where did they go? What did you feel? I’m trying to show compassion but the curiosity got my ass too…
Eventually…. I never got further past this realization or interaction coz this is where I began to wake up…
Like last time, the emotions ran so high, that there was no way I was going to let this dream dissipate slowly in my memory without documenting it. So I got up, used the restroom, and began typing this as we speak.
What was the resolution behind all this? What’s the theme behind this dream that I’m having?
I talked with my wife yesterday about how funny it is now that we’re at a point in our life financially where if we were single, we could go see our friends to support them in their endeavors and show love, but we don’t because we also got kids that drove us to strive for what we got just to survive…. Meaning we ain’t got no babysitter lololol.
I’ve talked a lot about loneliness recently, and the constant feeling that throughout my life I never fit in. Never fit into a social construct or fit the shape just right… Ima lone wolf just nomadding through, the hungry hyena that pays gratitude to each passing day and meal I come across… but will never be fully understood…
I watched Michael Beasley’s interview Friday afternoon with Shannon Sharpe. Never felt so attached to the emotion and ideas a person spilled out from his heart in a long time. I see where the flaws and traumas came, but holy shit it felt like I was right there with him. Every word he spoke hit like an accord. Rang truth, and it hit hard. Again, I’ve been sick, so the productivity I wish I had wasn’t the outcome. It was actually put on hold…
Idk what this dream was about in terms of a message for me.
I gotta be present more…? Is there something I’ve been missing this whole time? If God comes with his salvation, like a thief in the night, and I’m not around to catch it, am I lost forever? Is this to say the path I roam is mine and mine alone? Could I show my love even more? Could I live without it, perhaps if God was what was present in me this whole time? Is loss hitting me too hard? Can I endure this magnitude knowing the memories I’ve had. The futures and dreams I’ve concocted, only for all of it to go away in the blink of an eye, and now… just to pivot?
Idk man. I’m exhausting my pen, but there seems to be something not completely worked out in my brain. I know I’ve got a couple screws loose. But fuck. What am I to do? I guess keep pondering the world as I do…
It’s like the inverse of the dream I had the night before.
Coz this time I end it how I usually end it with me my peoples.
Continue to be you, all the way. I thank you. I appreciate you. And I love you.
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