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The PM has conceded that getting the troops into position will also take some time. "They'll have to walk to get to their posts. I mean have you seen the price of petrol right now?!"

Many officers have already been bitten by specially created radioactive spiders at great cost to the taxpayer. So far there have been seven fatalities, three nasty swellings and one permanent case of gigantism.

Despite the mixed reception for his outfit, Cooper says the experience hasn’t put him off ‘testing the boundaries of men’s red carpet fashion’, and he’s got a very special collaboration with a local fishmonger planned for next month, when, he assures us: ‘A Star is Born will definitely win every single Oscar. No question.’

It's not "just" about delaying Brexit without delaying Brexit, insists May. Government analysts doubt Britain will be in a good enough state to hold Christmas at all after nine months of Brexit, so they've decided to bring it forward. Most high street stores have warmly welcomed the idea of an early Christmas which complements their own plans, started long before anyone can remember, to gradually start Christmas earlier and earlier each year.

This weekend we asked you to nominate UNFUNNY subjects you think it should be (almost) IMPOSSIBLE for our writers to find the funny in. You then voted in your thousands (ok, tens) to set the challenge: HMRC’S January Tax Deadline Never shy when it comes to taking on impossible tasks, Dan Kiss has picked up …

The boat contained six life jackets, personal possessions and a milk carton cut to be used to bail out water. Presumably it was the milk carton that gave the dinghy a tactical edge over a 1700 tonne gunship armed with machine guns and a fifty-strong crew that had been deployed specifically to tackle the ‘migrant crisis’.

The House of Commons’ vote was abruptly postponed last month after it became clear the Prime Minister was staring down the barrel of a heavy defeat. “But it really is definitely definitely going to happen this time. No ifs, buts or maybes, cross my heart and hope to die,” confirmed a Government source with crossed fingers.

GPs, mental health and community care will get the biggest funding increases. Some surgeries may even be able to put the heating on for up to half an hour a day in the middle of winter.

One Tory Brexiteer said support for leaving without a deal was "hardening". Many Brexiteers are themselves hardening at the prospect of leaving without a deal. Indeed, their fantasy of the UK becoming a giant, isolated village green - with no links to ‘outsiders’ and where it’s not just the cricket kits that are pure white - is giving them sensations they haven’t felt in decades.

Many existing apps are enhanced by the phone’s supple form. When the user opens Tinder, the FlexPai will literally bend over backwards to demonstrate positions from the Karma Sutra. Some testers reported the resulting display to be so arousing in its own right that Tinder was no longer ‘required’...whatever that means.

Despite this, Judge Louis Stanton declared that he found ‘substantial similarities between several of the two works' musical elements’. Ed Sheeran strenuously denies the claims, saying he would never copy the Motown legend in any way at all, and that his song ‘Ain’t nothing like the real thing’.

Ryanair also won in 2014. Against tough competition from Malaysia Airlines, who still have no idea what happened to Flight MH370 and all its passengers. It was a close call, with Malaysia Airlines only losing out after Ryanair's lawyers pointed out that the route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing is 414km over the definition of a short-haul flight.

Immediately after industry giant DJI demoed their impressive new search and rescue drone, a Sussex police sergeant stated: ‘At this point we are considering the option that there may never have been a drone at all’.

They must also have the ability to eat a Duchy biscuit without grimacing, or spitting it out - because the Prince is highly sensitive to any criticism of his famously bland yet staggeringly expensive oatcakes.

If you and your partner still live together, getting a divorce often depends on the judge’s interpretation of unreasonable behaviour. Acceptable reasons should include' admitting you gave them socks as a present for twenty consecutive years or more', and 'Not watching ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ together'.

The Queen is said to own all the swans in England but it is clear by her absence that her and Bob never saw eye to eye. Bob was a 'grumpy swan' who 'spurned multiple potential love interests'. Could it be that her majesty counts herself among them?!

"This is a massive sum of money and we want it to have a huge impact on the lives of other people we know and love as well as on our future too," said Mrs Conroy, 52. "But that cow Emily Ferguson next door, who refused to chip in for five new fence panels after Storm Doris blew them down a couple of years ago will be getting precisely fuck all."

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