my raw, unfiltered diary with Jesus @newwanderedhome - Tumblr Blog

✧ my travel wishlist with Jesus ✧

(a dream in progress — a prayer in motion)

dear Jesus,

I know I just started this new chapter. a job, responsibilities, being “grown.” but deep down, there’s a fire in me. a whisper saying

go find Me.

not just in churches, but in mountaintops, islands, silence, and long walks with no GPS just faith.

so here it is:

my little holy dream journal pinned to the universe as a prayer You already knew.

⸻

1. gergeti trinity church, georgia

tiny church. giant mountains. cold air. open sky. I want to sit there and feel heaven lean close. maybe cry. maybe laugh. just be.

⸻

2. mount sinai, egypt

sunrise hike. sand in my shoes. a Moses moment. me asking You things You already know, and You answering the questions I never asked.

⸻

3. taizé, france

quiet songs. candlelight. souls singing in languages I don’t know, but somehow still feel. I want to lose track of time and find a little more of You.

⸻

4. patmos island, greece

revelation ground. cliffs and caves and echoes of eternity. maybe You’ll speak to me in whispers like You did to John. maybe You already are.

⸻

5. iona, scotland

wild waves. misty mornings. where monks walked and hearts healed. I want to sit on the rocks and talk to You like You’re right there. because You are.

⸻

6. cappadocia, turkey

underground faith. cave churches carved by courage. I want to feel what it means to love You when it costs everything.

⸻

7. the sea of galilee, israel

where You walked. where You calmed chaos. where breakfast with You meant everything. I want to step into that story. and let it change mine.

⸻

right now, maybe I don’t even know how. but You are Provider. and if this is Your dream too, You’ll make a way. I believe that.

this isn’t a flex. this isn’t for Instagram. this is my heart laid out like a map, folded, messy, but honest. I’m not just saving money. I’m saving faith. and holding onto this dream like a passport stamped with hope.

Jesus,

You lead. I’ll follow even if the first stop is just my room, my knees, and this prayer.

✧ pinned: my holy wishlist, my future prayer walk, my reminder to dream with God ✧

— tam

The Inventory

I didn't expect this. I don't have children. I'm not trying to have children. But the other day I stood in the grocery store staring at strawberries and realized :

I was wondering whether she would eat them whole or slice them carefully, avoiding the white centers. Whether she would stand on a chair to reach the counter.

She doesn't exist, I don't know if she ever will and yet I am already protecting her, already wondering.

I catch myself imagining her at the beach, sunburned across the shoulders, filling her pockets with shells she will forget in the car. I imagine her at sixteen, calling from a gas station parking lot, saying nothing at first, just breathing, and me knowing to wait. I imagine her learning that love can leave without warning, that people withdraw, that the world is harder than she thought, and I imagine wanting to be the home she returns to. Not because she has failed elsewhere because home should be the place where failure is permitted, where she never has to earn her way back in.

I don't know where these thoughts come from. Nobody taught me this. I was taught that love was conditional, that protection came with a price, that belonging had to be performed for. I spent years carrying weight that wasn't mine, earning my place, proving my worth through usefulness. I learned early that rest was not available to me, that grace was a word other people used, that being chosen was something that happened to other children.

And yet here I am, knowing exactly what I want to say to a child who does not exist,

You can always come home.

You are loved exactly as you are.

You do not have to earn this.

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to be useful.

You just have to be here.

I keep finding myself thinking about ordinary things. Whether she eats the crust first or saves the soft center of bread for last, whether she collects stones in jars, labeled with dates, or travels light through the world, wether she will need someone to sit with her during thunderstorms or prefer to watch alone from the window. These details feel urgent, as if preparing for them matters, as if loving her well requires imagining her completely.

I am bewildered by my own heart. I didn't know there was this much love inside me. I spent so long wondering whether I would ever receive the love I needed that I never stopped to consider how much I might be capable of giving. A year ago I was a question mark, curling inward, waiting to be answered. Now I find myself standing in doorways wondering who else I might hold the door for.

I think about her when I see a child crying in a parking lot, ignored by adults too busy to bend down. I want to prepare a place for her. Not a room with curtains, but a way of being. I want to learn how to offer rest without demanding productivity in return. How to say you are loved without the silent appendage if.

And here is what catches me off guard, what I am only beginning to let myself feel:

if I can love her this way, if I can want her safety and her belonging with this much tenderness, then perhaps I have been loved like this all along. Perhaps there is a presence that has been standing in doorways for me, holding them open, preparing a way of being that I could step into when I was ready. Perhaps the sentences I know by heart, the ones nobody taught me, were written there first.

I don't know which thought is making my throat tight. The love I feel for a daughter who does not exist or the possibility that God has felt this way about me all along. That I have been held with exactly this tenderness, that I could always come home, even when I didn't believe home existed, that I was loved exactly as I was, even when I was certain I had to earn it.

I don't know if she will be real. I don't know if I will ever be someone's mother but I know that loving her has shown me something I couldn't see before. Not just that my heart survived intact but that it grew larger than I thought possible. That I became someone who knows how to hold a door open. And that perhaps, in learning to hold it for her, I am finally walking through it myself.

#Spotify

Opened my Tumblr for the first time in a while, isn't it funny how memories change?

Some photos used to hurt to look at, now they just feel like old friends. I don’t miss the past enough to go back but I do miss some of the souls that made it feel like home.

Jesus, can I finally have a home where I’m safe?

Hey Jesus,

I’ve been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I even dreamed about her two nights in a row. And honestly I miss her so much.

She wasn’t just my grandma she was my person. When everything fell apart with my parents, she was the one who picked up the pieces. She raised me, loved me, taught me how to be gentle, how to care for people, even when the world felt harsh.

And when she passed away, everything inside me felt like it broke. I’ve felt lost without her ever since. It’s like a part of my foundation disappeared, and sometimes, I’m still trying to find my way without her.

Me and her now had a different faith. And that’s been hard to hold. Sometimes I wonder if she’d be disappointed, or if she’d even understand why I came to You. But You know how much I loved her. And I think You know how much she loved me too.

So I just want to bring all of that to You my grief, my love, my confusion. I don’t have the right words or perfect answers. I just miss her. And I need You to hold that for me. If there’s any way she can know…

please let her feel how thankful I am. Let her feel my love still, always. And thank You for giving her to me. She really was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. Help me carry her love in the way I live, in how I treat people, in the softness she planted in me.

#Spotify

Jesus I’m giving it to You, my heart.

Even the parts that are still healing.

Even the parts that still wish I could curl up in someone’s arms.

If You’re telling me to wait then I’ll wait.

Not just sitting still but learning, healing, becoming.

I’ll wait with open hands, not clenched fists.

I’ll wait with hope, even when it feels heavy.

I’ll wait not because I’m strong,

but because I trust You more than I trust my own timeline.

If You have someone for me,

let him be someone who’s been with You first.

Someone who knows how to hold a heart like mine soft, brave, full of fire.

Someone I can laugh with, pray with, and grow beside.

But if not now or not ever

then fill my life with purpose.

Let Your love meet every ache.

Let Your presence be what steadies me.

Let waiting become worship.

And please don’t let me grow bitter. Don’t let the wrong ones harden the heart You made soft.

Let me keep hoping but mostly, keep holding onto You.

Now, I’m not afraid of losing anymore.

Not people. Not plans. Not the things I used to beg God to keep in my life.

Because I’ve tasted something deeper than anything this world could offer. His presence.

And as long as I have Him, I lack nothing🕊️🤍

#Spotify

Choosing Jesus changed everything for me and it came with a cost.

I didn’t just find healing and restoration. I lost people. A lot of them. Even my own family.

But I would still choose Him again. A thousand times over.

I used to give all I had to my mom and brother even when I had nothing left for myself. But now I know: Jesus calls me to love others, yes but not to abandon myself. He taught me to see my own worth.

I used to live for people’s approval. I was a chronic people-pleaser, always afraid of being too much or not enough. But now? I’m free. I don’t fear being alone anymore. I don’t fear rejection. I’m no longer afraid of being alone. I’m no longer scared of being misunderstood or left behind. Because the One who matters most already chose me. He already proved His love on the cross.

So even when people leave when they walk away, when they misunderstand me, when they’re uncomfortable with the light I carry I will still praise God.

I used to shut down when I got hurt. I used to close my heart like it was the only way to survive. But now? I’m not afraid of pain. I’m not afraid of being hurt again. Because I have Jesus. And He is worth everything I’ve lost. My heart is open. My life is His. And I’m not turning back.

I watched a sermon tonight and it wrecked me in the best way😭

What do you do when God says "I want my promise back, not because I don't intend to fulfill it, but because I will fulfill it when I want to fulfill it. And how I want to fulfill it and I need you to trust me"

Now if you don't have deep trust with God in this moment, you will need details. You'll start trying to control everything, you'll start trying to manipulate things. Thats is why some of us are so stressed right now. Because there is a dream that you thought God gave you. And maybe he did, but there are details that dream that are not being met on your deadline. You can't call Him "God" and give Him a deadline. The boss set the deadline.

What do you do when God says "hold on to the promise, let go of the plan"

The person who is holding on so tightly to their idea of life is MEEEEE! I understand why God will sometimes call us to bring him something we thought he promised so he can clarify what he actually promised. So he can do what he said he would. Not what I thought he would do, not what I wanted him to do, not on my deadline but on his destined schedule for the purpose for which he intends my life to be a small little pieces.

In these past months I always hear the voice "LET GO" 😭😭😭

I don’t know if these words will ever reach you.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I want you to know, I loved you. Deeply. Truly. Maybe I didn’t always show it the right way, maybe I let my fear or confusion speak louder than my love, but it was there. It still is. Not the kind that clings or begs, but the kind that honors you, that wants you to be happy.

I don’t wish to interrupt your life or step into your future. I only wish for you to be happy. Genuinely, wildly happy. I hope your days are filled with laughter, love, and someone who sees the magic in you every single day. I hope life after me is gentler, fuller, and more joyful because you deserve that and more.

I want you forward, smiling, glowing, and safe. I hope whoever walks beside you next loves you even better than I ever could. That you laugh more. That you feel lighter. That life after me turns out to be even more beautiful than life with me.

If there’s one relief I can hold onto now, it’s knowing you’re happy. That thought that vision is the one thing that eases the ache in me.

And if by chance you ever remember me, I hope you remember that I tried, even if I failed. That I cared, even when I was clumsy with it. And that I’m sorry, from the bottom of my soul.

Please be happy. You don’t owe me anything, but if you are truly then somehow, that’s enough for me.

Take care of that beautiful heart of yours 🐳

This hit me like a brick wall when I realized :

Addressing your mental health while healing from spiritually shifting and a break up while improving your physical condition while healing from family patterns while fixing your sleep schedule while developing self-care routines while trying to stay close to God while achieving personal ambitions while breaking generational cycles feels impossibly. mind-numbingly exhausting.

But at the end when you actually think about it. It's more liberating. Yes it drains you but fills you at the same time cause you are working on becoming a better person. So you go thru the pain to lose the person you were.

I would destroy myself to build myself :)

Hormones really pull the most dramatic stunts on us. One day you’re crying like it’s the end of the world, and the next you’re like, “Bro… get a grip! what the hell was that???"🤣

Honestly, shoutout to Jesus for dealing with me like I’m not a full-blown emotional tornado once a month. That’s real love 😭💅

As bad as you want to address it. Sometimes it's best to let God defend you.

He saw it too 🙂

The Four Watches of the Night (A Biblical Reflection)

ever since I encountered Jesus something changed.

Now I feel something I never experienced before. I go to bed earlier, and almost every night, I wake up between 2 and 3AM. At first, I thought maybe it’s just because I’m sleeping earlier. But something about it felt spiritual.

Then I came across something beautiful:

In the Bible, especially in ancient Jewish and Roman culture, the night was divided into “watches” periods of time where people stayed alert, either for protection or to wait for something.

The Four Watches of the Night (Roman System)

1. First Watch: 6 PM – 9 PM

2. Second Watch: 9 PM – 12 AM

3. Third Watch: 12 AM – 3 AM

4. Fourth Watch: 3 AM – 6 AM

Each of these “watches” has spiritual meaning. But the Third Watch (12–3AM) is often known for:

Deep spiritual activity warfare, intercession, angelic encounters

A time when God speaks, often waking His people to pray or listen

A quiet, still hour when the noise of the world fades and heaven feels near

It made sense to me. One night, I woke up at 2AM and cried out to God for a breakthrough. I was tired. Desperate. Weary.

Not every night do I wake and pray. Sometimes I’m too tired. But I’ve learned that God is not demanding me to perform He’s inviting me to be with Him, even if all I can do is whisper, “I’m here.”

This change in my sleeping rhythm isn’t just physical. It’s spiritual realignment. A tender way God has been reshaping my life, drawing me closer to Him in the most quiet, hidden hours.

“Blessed is the one who watches and keeps his garments ready.”

— Revelation 16:15

I Don't Feel Like Replying Anymore

Lately, I’ve stopped replying so quickly not out of rudeness not because I’m cold. But because something inside me is shifting. Quietly, profoundly. There’s a quiet in me now that I don’t want to interrupt.

There were a few conversations some light connections, brief exchanges. But even those started to feel… hollow. Not wrong, just not what my soul craves anymore. I’m not ghosting anyone. I’m just listening to a voice deeper than my phone’s notification sound.

I think I’m going through a spiritual realignment.

My heart is being tuned to a different frequency. The noise of the world isn’t as sweet as it used to be. What pulls me now is silence. Intimacy with God the gentle weight of His presence. It’s not rejection. It’s just detachment. A detachment I’ve come to love.

There’s peace in not needing to respond immediately there’s freedom in not needing to be on all the time. I’ve found a strange comfort in the silence. In the stillness. In the solitude I now share with God.

And here’s what surprises me the most:

Somehow, I like my detachment. I like this solitude. It doesn’t feel lonely. It feels clean. Whole. Intentional. Safe.

This feels like emotional detox like my spirit is decluttering. Not just from people, but from performance. From urgency. From the pressure to constantly respond and be available to everyone but myself.

I think I’m learning to abide. To linger. To sit with God not just as a habit, but as a home. There’s something in this stillness that fills me more than any string of messages ever could.

Maybe God is calling me inward. Maybe He’s saying, “Come away with Me, just for a while.” Not forever. Just long enough to remind me who I am when I’m not trying to impress, attract, or be understood by anyone else.

So if I don’t reply, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I care too much about what’s happening within me. I’m not avoiding people I’m returning to myself. And more than that, I’m returning to God. And in this quiet, I feel more whole than I have in a long time.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

my raw, unfiltered diary with Jesus