What's On My Mind

  All I do is complain  

[rosewater1997]

things i like

being alone

doing things on my own

keeping things to myself

being by myself

no one knowing anything about me

[neyugneilyak]

3/3/21

Hi Tumblr,

So good news. I received 2 interviews invitations. I already bombed one so lI just have one more chance left. The interview will be on next Tuesday and I will have a mock interview tomorrow. I am so nervous, even for the mock interview. I know what to say, but what comes out of my mouth is not very “pleasant” I guess I have to practice more. Wish me luck!

[neyugneilyak]

01/21/21

Hi Tumblr,

So urg, pretty sure I will not get an invitation to Rush’s interview now.Feeling so devastated that I will have to reapply again. I don’t even know how many schools I have left...

[neyugneilyak]

01/06/21

Hello Tumblr,

So there are only 6 programs left that I have not heard from a.k.a I still have a chance. But really, more like only 2 programs left. I feel so devastated, depressed and stressed. I know I may have to reapply but I keep holding on to the hope that some schools will give me a chance. 

The thought of having to tell people I got rejected to all of the schools I applied to feel so embarrassing. Some people around me already doubting my ability to success...now they will laugh at me even more.

I just want to take some time off, escape this place and forgot about this application process for awhile.

And I feel like even if I have an interview...I’m not sure if I will be able to do well. I’m not very articulate, even typing my thoughts like this, I have to go back and forth to change it. Then go back and fix it again. I would be stutter during my interview for sure. 

I don’t know what I need right now

- a PA school acceptance

- an apartment and new life in another city

- or a therapist

...

Yeah,  a PA school acceptance would make me feel so much better now. Even just an invitation to interview. 

[neyugneilyak]

01/05/21

Hi Tumblr,

It’s your girl again! 2020 was shitty and I really have no hope for 2021 unless I get accepted to PA school this cycle. But let’s be honest, my chance is super slimmy slim jim :) 

- Someone I know passed away from Covid yesterday. I don’t even remember the last time I saw him. Really make me think how you never know when would be the last time you see someone. Cherish people around you!

- I guess 2020 maybe shitty but my family and I were fortunate enough because we survived Covid.

- I am not going to apply to local PA schools next cycle anymore. I want to move away from here.

- I feel like this will help my mental health and I will grow into a better, more mature person.

- The thought of having to tell people that I got rejected from all of the schools I applied to without getting any interviews feel so embracing. “Yes, hi, I’m stupid so no school wants me.”

- I’m emotional but I’m getting sleepy so I’m going to sleep now. lol

- Really hope that I will wake up to good news tomorrow. Seriously, wish people who already got accepted to PA schools decline their interview invite already!!!

[yescene]

[neyugneilyak]

5/19/20

Hello Tumblr,

I’ve been crying for the whole day. I just feel so damn disappointed. 

- I’m stressed

- Dr. T asked if I want him to write something negative in my LOR so I can “stand out”

- idk how to feel about this

- really, like why? Does he think I’m not good enough?

- idk if I should tell him about feeling uncomfortable about having a negative quality on my LOR or just shut the eff up and let’s he write whatever he want.

- I’m afraid the more I talk to him about LOR, he will be mad and just write a really bad one :)

- why no one read my PS? omg, just by reading my PS, you can see how dedicate and compassion I am, or just at least have an idea to write one for me

- my manager wants me to write my LOR instead

- I don’t feel comfortable doing that, but at this point, I will do it..I guess?

- maybe if she didn’t spend all her time reading fake news, she would have time to write my LOR

- she doesn’t even bother to review my porfolio

- I feel like me applying to PA school is a joke to them

- i know this is not life or death situation, but this is my life!!! my career depends on this LOR. 

- I know LORs are not the only thing admission com see but they still play a huge factor, especially for someone with low stats like me.

- I feel so hopeless

- I feel so frustrated

- I have to take CASPer exam tomorrow and I just…

- I don’t know what to do

- I hope I don’t break down and cry during the exam LOL

- Dr. T said I look depressed/sad/stressed these days

- Well, if you and manager have bothered to write me my LOR, I wouldn’t be so stressed!

- Dear future me, please send me some hope.

- I will be able to do this, right?

- I hope in a few years, I can come back to this Tumblr and laugh

- Because I already become a PA at that time

- Because right now, I’m so miserable.

- I hope Tumblr will still be here at that time so I could go back and smile :)

-……….

- Okay, I will go back to study now.  

[neyugneilyak]

1/4/2021

- Got rejected from like 15 schools? out of 20? that I applied

- I know I have a low GPA and GRE but there are other people who GPA even lower than me.

- I thought maybe because my PS was bad but I reread it and it was pretty good to me.

- So now I’m thinking that all the rejections maybe because of my LORs.

- I may have to reapply again and now I don’t even know who I will ask for my LOR this cycle.

- LORs are stupid. Wish I can apply to a graduate program that doesn’t require LORs. 

[neyugneilyak]

2021 Goals

I’m probably not going to achieve these goals anyway but I think it is fun to do these type of stuffs

1. Get accepted to PA school

2. Improve my GPA

3. Improve my GRE score

4. More outgoing

5. Read at least 20 books

idk I’ll come back to add more

[neyugneilyak]

12/31/20

Last day of 2020, whoa.

So 2020 definitely was not my year.

I did not get into PA school

I got covid

everything was a mess.

hopefully 2021 will be better

[neyugneilyak]

11/13/20

- My pre-birthday day was fun until my dad fucking ruined it.

- Seriously, I am fucking 26, not fucking 16

- Last year, I made a wish on my birthday with the hope that by the time of my birthday this year, I would’ve received good news from PA school.

- Sadly, all I received so far are rejections. 

- I really really really want to go to a school that is far away from home.

- I fucking hate it here

- Gosh, I don’t even know where the fuck my life is going to be next year.

- I fucking hate how my life is going nowhere, actually...it is getting worse compares to last year.

- I was trying hard to not have a fucking mental breakdown like I did every year around my birthday but I fucking fail.

- Gosh, I fucking hate it here.

[neyugneilyak]

10/12/20

Hi Tumblr,

Not sure if I have updated you about this but I got Covid a month ago, haha :( September was probably the worst month in 2020.

Anyway, I am recover now. However, my brain is still on quarantine mode.

I’m just so stressed and depressed as always, so many things on my head...so here we go again..

- In about 6 more months, the new PA cycle will start

- I have received 5 rejections so far, 15 more to go... I think?

- I’m tired

- I’m drained

- Having covid was a good excuse for me to take some time off from work, so I guess having covid was a good thing? (ok no, not good! lol wtf)

- i’m in love with macarons

- probably going to buy some ingredients and try to stress bake this weekend

- i moved into a new house, so yay!

- i just feel whatever

- so numb

[asillyandrandomname]

[neyugneilyak]

Aug 26, 2020

Hi Tumblr,

Feeling so hopeless. So far, I’ve received 3 rejections. I still have like...17 to go? LOL I’m pretty sure I will be rejected from a least 10 more schools since those schools already interviewing and accepting students, some schools are out of my reach,too.

I still feel sad about what Dr. T said to me last week. How I should join a lab and work instead of being a PA because I am not “outgoing, and friendly like Kaitlyn.” 

He told me I can try, but it will be really hard and competitive for me to try to win compared to people like Kaitlyn..

seriously.......

I hate it when people compared me to others

I already feel discourage and sadden by the fact that I will be rejected this cycle, to have him, someone I look up to said something like that really kill my confidence.

Cherry on top, a few hours later, I checked my email and got my 3rd rejection letter.

I do not even want to rant or pour out my miserable feelings to him, hoping he will make me feel better and motivate me anymore. 

I am all alone

By myself

Cheering myself up

Motivating myself

School starts on Monday and I still haven’t study or bother to do anything, yet.

I have no motivation

*sigh*

Bye Tumblr.

P/S: Now I have a feeling Dr. T did not write me a *glowing* LOR. I can see he wrote down 

“Kaylie is not an outgoing person, and clearly has no communication skills. I think she will struggling a lot in PA school. Therefore, I do not strongly recommend her, why don’t you accepting her co-worker who I always compared her to instead?

Sincerely,

Dr. T “

Ok, the last sentence was a joke but damn, I’m sure he thought about that.

Did I mention he let my coworker read her LOR and not me? Of course he would sprinkle some negative shit about me. If you read my previous posts, you would know I complained how he came to me and asked if I want him to write negative stuffs in there.

I work like a fucking slave Dr. T. My interpretation might not be good like someone or I’m too shy to be on TV but I am fucking trying okay? Why don’t you fucking talk to the patient by yourself then?

*sigh*

I don’t like to cuss, but I feel so much better, so yeahh. fuck fuck fack irrgijgs98934384 !!!!

:) Okay, I am gonna go to work on my MBKU app now.

P/S: speaking of MBKU, this girl used to volunteer at the clinic around the same time when I started to work got accepted from MBKU last cycle. We started at the same time and now she is in PA school while I don’t know what the fuck will happen to me. I’m happy for her though. Maybe she found people that wrote her a good LORs and didn’t include negative stuffs in there :)

[neyugneilyak]

07/22/20

Got my second rejection today…From my #1 choice,too.

I feel hurt. I feel like someone has stabbed a knife through my heart.

Honestly, I did not expect to be accept either but still…being rejected this early just…..

*sigh*

[neyugneilyak]

And once again... I am by myself. With no one to talk to, and no one care about my problem.

[neyugneilyak]

07/22/20

Got my second rejection today...From my #1 choice,too.

I feel hurt. I feel like someone has stabbed a knife through my heart.

Honestly, I did not expect to be accept either but still...being rejected this early just.....

*sigh*

[neyugneilyak]

06/22/20

Hi Tumblr,

I just got my first rejection today! Sad but I’m not really surprised! I feel quiet happy, I don’t know why...maybe it has not hit me, yet. I’m sure I will come back and crying to you in a few days :) 

[neyugneilyak]

06/11/20

Hi Tumblr,

I just moved to live at my sister’s house and I just wanted to say I miss my old house so much. I have lived there for the past 10 years and that house hold so many memories for me. I did not have a proper way to say goodbye to my house, especially my room either :( I’m a very sentimental person so I am always treasure things that hold memories. I will miss my house a lot. Luckily, my brother took a bunch of pictures of the house once last time, so now I have some memories to look back. I hope the new family will be able to build their new memories just like I did.

P/S: having PMS right now is not helping with my emotion LOL. I am crying while typing this. I’m glad my niece does not sleep here tonight haha.