Amanda had learned from a very young age at how unhappy people could be in relationships and how it felt as if they didn’t deserve to be happy. Her own mother let her father walk all over her and she was taught at a young age that it was an acceptable act of love. And she was sure that she was never meant to find someone to love and that she would be unhappy forever and she had watched Kim walk through that path of being with the bad guys who only used her for her body and what they could gain. Amanda, though, she kept her head down and did what she needed to do to get out of her small town. It wasn’t easy and there were moments where she felt like she was following her mother’s footsteps but she always made sure that she didn’t. And maybe that made her more standoffish when it came to her boyfriends or being with anybody but seeing how her mother and father were, she would rather be alone than be in a relationship that was just bad. And she watched as Nick went through it with Maria and she wanted to just shake him and tell him that he deserved better. That she could give him better than Maria but she didn’t let it be known until she did. The first night that they were together, she had been the one to make a move because she wanted him to know that he deserved more and she told him that from the beginning and every chance that she could when they weren’t fighting like cats and dogs. They had their moments when they should have kept their mouths shut but they were both hot blooded people and their love for one another was apparent even when they were still figuring out what was even going on between the two of them. Amanda could see the similarities between her relationship with Nick and her own mother’s relationship with her father and that was what scared her the most because she had vowed that she would never be like her mother and she fought for too long to let that happen. But in a way she understood it because she loved Nick and you went through hell with the person that you loved but enough was enough and it was the end. And the blonde wished that it wasn’t but she also knew that it was for the best in that moment. They had to work on themselves individually before they could be together again and if they were meant to be then fate would somehow bring them back together and it had, finally. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed as hard as I did so I’m to blame, too. We were messed up back then and as much as it pained me to have to let you go, I think we needed it. I don’t know what would have happened if we stayed together but we both had time to work on ourselves and we’re not the same people that we were six years ago.”
When he asked why she had kept him away, there were no excuses that would be good enough. She had thought that she was doing the right thing by not having to make him choose between his older children and her. Cece and her had talked about it for hours one night and she knew that she had messed up by not giving Nick the choice to make and taking that way from him. She regretted that from the moment it happened and she didn’t know how to make it up to him so she didn’t. And now she didn’t know how they were going to go forward from there. “You didn’t do anything to not deserve her in your life. I thought that I was being selfish if I would have asked you to stay here instead of being with your other children that needed you. I was wrong in that situation and I didn’t know how to go from there so I just didn’t and that was selfish of me. I wish more than anything that I would have let you make your own decision and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for making you miss out on her life. I don’t blame you if you don’t ever forgive me for it but just know that it was nothing that you did or our relationship that kept you away. It was me being well me. “ He kissed her, more intensely this time and she felt the butterflies in the pit of her stomach. The ones that she had gotten used to when they were together but hadn’t felt in such a long time. “I missed you too. More than I could ever tell you. I have never felt this way about someone and even after all of these years, those feelings didn’t go away. I love you, Nick. I’ll always love you.” And it was the truth, NIck was the one for her and even though she had been in relationships after him, they were never anything remotely like what she had with Nick even when she was delusional enough to believe that they were. Shaking her head, “No, not so much anymore. I mean we facetime sometimes but I haven’t seen him in a few years. He’s doing good, though, with my mom. She seems to be doing better parenting now than when I was younger.” She wiped the tears that formed in his eyes as she watched her daughter come over to them and she had to just keep reassuring her that everything was okay. Jessie had become overprotective of her since Billie was born and she was weary of pretty much everybody that came into her life new but Nick thought it was because she didn’t like him and she knew that was far from the truth. “I didn’t keep her away because of you, Nick. Please you have to believe me. It was all because of me,” she reassured him. “I want you here with me and with our daughter. She’s perfect and just like you, too. I don’t ever want to be without you and I want Jessie to know you as her father. I want you.” His whispered I love you’s caused her to smile into his kiss before she let her hand move to around his neck and bringing him closer to her. “You keep kissing me like that and I won’t be able to stop myself from taking you to the bathroom for something quick,” she said, into the kiss. “And before you even ask, no I am not kidding.”
Nick knew about her childhood. He didn’t know all of it because they never got to that point of their relationship where she would spill her guts out to him and he would spill his guts out to her about how damaged they both were, but they knew. The two of them knew about each other’s upbringing and to say that they both had issues was an understatment. Of course there was the doubt of trust and love and happiness, but they knew. They knew all three of those things with just one look. It took one look for them to know how the other felt. It was all within the eyes. When his dark brown eyes locked onto her ocean blue ones, that was it. That was it and Nick was hooked. He knew, he knew how she felt and deep down sometimes Nick liked to think that he knew back then too. Though back then was so different. Back then they were toxic and didn’t know how to handle the fact that they were able to feel so strongly about one another. Back then they didn’t know how to fully be in love with one another. It scared him. It scared the hell out of him. There were so many times when Nick wanted to run but he couldn’t. The minute they parted ways after they’d do their thing, his mind would go right back to her. His mind would wonder what the hell she was doing without him. Sometimes when she wasn’t with him it felt like he couldn’t breath. Sometimes it felt like he was drowning and she was saving him, even if it felt like he was saving her instead. That was just it though. In many ways they saved one another. In many ways they were good to each other and even in their darkest times, Nick and Amanda had a way of loving each other without even saying it. That’s why their fights killed him. When they fought, they fought and it hurt like hell. Nick would always regret the way he treated her at Munch’s apartment, since that was the end of them. If he could turn back the clock and fix that night then he would. Maybe things do happen for a reason though, maybe they needed that time apart to grow and to understand that what they had was real. All Nick ever wanted was for her to be happy. All Nick ever wanted was to love her and protect her. Sometimes when he was in California, sometimes when he couldn’t sleep, Nick’s mind always found himself thinking about Amanda. Sometimes it was his thoughts that kept him up late. Thoughts that made him believe that he failed her. That he was another person who failed her and Nick never wanted to be that person. He wanted to show her what forever could look like even if he had a lot of baggage, even if she had a lot of baggage. He didn’t care. All Nick ever cared about was her and all Nick ever wanted to do was be with her. They needed that time though. They needed that time apart and even if it killed him, even it it drove him insane most nights, Nick realized that the past six years, the two grew. They grew and to say that he was proud of her was an understatment. Nick laughed a little and then looked at her. God she was still so beautiful. He missed her, he missed her and the fact that he was standing right in front of her was still so real to him. Taking a deep breath, Nick looked down at the floor and then back at Amanda. He could get lost in her eyes “I think it’s obvious but Amanda, you were never some notch on my belt. You were something more to me. I cared about you, I loved you but I was to fucked up to say those words to you. Too scared that you’ll run like Maria did, but you didn’t. I pushed you away. That whole fight at Munch’s. I should’ve—” Stopping himself, he let out a frustrated groan and Nick shook his head “I should’ve treated you better that night because if I did, then I could’ve held you in my arms forever. I think you and I needed the time apart thought too."
It bothered him. It bothered him that she kept her pregnancy and their child a secret, and it would take him a while but eventually he’ll get over it. The main thing he wanted to know was why. Why would she when Amanda saw first hand what Cynthia did to him, even if it wasn’t Cynthia’s fault. It nearly killed him, to know that he had a child out there he had no idea about. That wasn’t Nick. He wasn’t that kind of guy. When it came to it, family was everything. His heart skipped a beat when he found out that Maria was pregnant. His heart would’ve skipped a beat in a good way if he was there when Amanda found out she was pregnant. He would’ve been over the moon. It terrified him to admit, but she was the love of his life. She was the women he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. To know that they created something so beautiful together, to know that she’s sitting in that living room it made Nick smile softly to himself. They had a daughter. They had a beautiful daughter who was Amanda’s twin, except she had his eyes. It was going to take a while for him to get used to it. To get used to the fact that they created Jessie. That they created the most perfect thing. He loved her. One look at her and he loved her. He loved this perfect little thing. Their perfect little thing. Nick looked down and watched their daughter laugh and play with her sister Billie when the movie finished. It killed him. It was killing him to know that he missed her first words, her first steps. Her firsts everything. Water formed in his eyes and his voice got all choked up but he listened to Amanda talk. "I love her Amanda.” Nick whispered and then laughed nervously “I know I just met her but she’s mind. She’s ours. We created that. She’s so perfect and that’s because of you. Maybe it was a good thing that I missed six years of her life but God I’ll make up for it. You weren’t being selfish. You were choosing what was best for Jessie and I get that.” Nick said honestly and then looked at Amanda. He looked at her and the man let out a shaky breath “It just kills me that I missed all of her firsts. That’s my favorite part about being a dad. Please tell me you have most of those moments on video or something.” Nick begged but then pushed a piece of hair out of Amanda’s face. He kissed her, he kissed her with everything he had and Nick pressed his forehead against hers again. “It sounds so good to hear you say that.” Nick got all choked up again “Please say it again. Those three words” He whispered again and then looked at her “Cause I love you. I love you too.” Nick said finally and then kissed her one more time “I love you more than anything. I love you so much Manda. Youre the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You and my kids are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Nick said and kissed her deeply one more time. He could get used to this, he could get used to this all over again. Hearing her finally tell him those three words, and hearing himself finally say those three words back, Nick could get used to it. “You know, come to realize it, I’ve never met your mom. Youve met mine but I never met yours. Now Kim though, Kim Ive met.” Nick said in all honesty and it was the truth. Taking a deep breath, he stood there with her and smiled softly “I’m glad that your mom is doing good and I’m glad that you at least get to talk to your nephew."He took a moment and looked at Jessie again. He had another daughter. It was going to take Nick a while to get used too. Though he was happy about it. Of course he was. Happiest he’s ever been. It was true, Amanda made him happy. Amanda was this big beacon of light for him and he needed her. He needed her in his life and now that she was back, God he was never going to let her go. Not again. Not now and not ever. He needed her and wanted her. She was his forever. She was his saving grace. She saved him. As Amanda wiped the tears from his eyes, Nick looked down and watched as Jessie was with Amanda. He hated that he was already screwing up as a father to her. She deserved better. Better than what he was giving her. Nick let out a shaky breath and moved closer to her "Baby, I know.” Nick whispered but then took another breath “I know. It’s not because of you either though, it’s because you wanted to do what was best for Jessie.” Taking another deep breath, Nick ran a hand through his hair “Manda. I love you and I could never hate you. I get why you kept me away but you know, you know for a fact that I would’ve been here in a heartbeat if I knew back then. We created that. You and me. We created that and she’s beautiful Manda. She’s… she’s ours.” Nick whispered and smiled softly. His eyes locked on hers and the man kissed her forehead. Nick smiled big when he heard Amanda calling Jessie his daughter. “I don’t ever want to be without you either Manda. I lost you once and I’m not going to loose you again.” Nick said honestly and kissed her deeper, this time tugging at her lip for a moment. Chills went up and down is body when she pulled him a little closer to her. He continued to kiss her deeply and Nick laughed a little within the kiss “Forget the bathroom. Take me to the bedroom Manda. I need this. I need you. I love you, so much.” Nick whispered and then kissed her once more “Youre the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m not loosing you again. I love you. God I love you.” He looked over at Jessie for a moment and ten back at Manda “That’s our daughter Amanda. We made that.”
kaledo-art
romaincrisis
dededos
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
